Cruel and unusual, my ass!! (1078 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.95 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Zandy1123 (View user info) at 2004-12-08 11:14:52 EST
One of my favorite times of the day is that period between getting into bed and actually falling asleep. All is quiet and dark - sensory stimulus is at a minimum...it's the perfect environment for masturba...wait...I mean...it's the perfect environment for quiet contemplation of all that is life. Riiiight...
So last night, as I was laying in bed, and my mind started wandering. First, I thought about Skittles and how badly I wanted to taste the rainbow. But I was tired and lazy and opted not to get out of bed to quench my thirst for high fructose corn syrup. Next, I thought about Maggie, my cat, who was all up in my grille, purring and drooling all over me...it was so hot. Then I started thinking about bigger cats - lions and tigers...
"That's some BIG pussy!" I thought.
"That's some big and potentially mean and harmful pussy!"
I started thinking about Siegfried and Roy...and how Roy got mangled by his beloved pussy.
For a moment, I put myself in Roy's gay, little loafers and imagined what it must be like to get attacked by a lion, tiger, puma, cheetah, jaguar etc. Holy shit! It's pretty terrifying to think about - can you imagine what it would be like to get bitten in the arm or throat or junk...gah!!! I have a feeling that these cats have no qualms whatsoever with tooth-stabbing you in the crotch.
Shit, I could think of a million aweful, painful things that I'd prefer to endure over a lion/tiger attack. Put a cigarette out in my eye - pull my fingernails out with pliers - wax my entire body...just don't put me in a ring with a hungry lion!!
I then had a brilliant idea: bring back the age-old policy of punishment by animal-attack.
Fuck the death penalty! The death penalty is too easy...it's just a little pin-prick, then you're done. Our death penalty is really nothing to fear. Take your run-of-the-mill murderer, for example. Do you think that murderer is really afraid to die? Or how about a member of an inner-city gang...they're certainly not afraid of dying. So what's to deter them from killing and wreaking whatever havoc they want? The death penalty? Shit...they'd be lucky to go out so peacefully and painlessly.
Now, take that same gang member and threaten them with five minutes in a cage with a 500lb hungry lion...
Exactly.
That shit will damn sure scare your ass straight!!
I'm thinking all kinds of violent crimes could be met with this kind of approach. Varying levels of violent crimes could be punished with varying amounts of time in "the cage." You could even vary the animal for different levels of punishment.
For example:
Second degree manslaughter / assault with a deadly weapon = 5 minutes in "the cage" with a half-dozen angry porcupines
Third degree murder / first degree manslaughter = 2 minutes in "the cage" with a lion
Second degree murder = 5 minutes in "the cage" with a grizzly bear or lion (let the murderer choose)
First degree murder = 10 minutes in "the cage" with a grizzly bear or a lion (again, give the offender a choice)
Multiple counts of first degree murder = 200 hours in "the cage" with Richard Simmons...followed by 20 minutes in "the cage" with Richard Simmons AND a grizzly bear
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"Oh how cruel...and unusual!" you say? Ok...I'll give you the unusual part. But cruel? Fuck that. If you kill someone...or if you try to kill someone...you deserve a cruel punishment. Otherwise, what is there to deter you from committing such a crime?
Jail? Free food, free bed, plenty of anal sex...doesn't sound so bad!
Death by lethal injection? Shit...I could use a nap. If I don't wake up, I don't really know any better.
Attack by grizzly bear and Richard Simmons? Uhhh...I think I'll postpone my murderous rampage and just watch some TV tonight.
On a similar note, this cheetah should tear Jack Hanna's face off.
User Reviews
Submitted by toothfish___ (user info) at 2004-12-14 09:50:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2004-12-13 16:36:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I like the way you think Ms. Jeaneeeaneanaeeeaeneee
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-13 13:17:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Child molesters should be put in a cage naked with a horny male gorilla.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-12-10 15:28:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have some good ideas.
But....................
I hate you, 'cos you have a scooby.
So -2 for life.
-Davros
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-12-10 15:15:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant!
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2004-12-10 14:57:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-12-08 17:10:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
There's something odd about that Cheetah.
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yeah there is....he's about to rip Jack Hanna's face off!
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-12-08 17:10:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There's something odd about that Cheetah.
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2004-12-08 16:27:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-12-08 16:23:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it just me, or is that cheetah's head disproportionately large?
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Yeah...I wasn't gonna say anything, but that cheetah looks downright retarded!! hahaha...I think it's just because his head is drooping down below his shoulders. But still...it looks weird.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-12-08 16:23:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it just me, or is that cheetah's head disproportionately large?
Submitted by SundanceKid (user info) at 2004-12-08 16:13:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have +2'd this without your help.
Good Stuff
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-12-08 15:37:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
stick it to the man!
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2004-12-08 12:04:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Skittles gum, eh???
That idea's just crazy enough to work!!
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-12-08 11:49:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i like it!
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-12-08 11:46:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Peter turns to Biker Dude #1.
Peter Griffin: "Hey, aren't you Richard Simmons?"
Biker Dude #1: "Hey!"
Biker Dude #1 whacks Peter with a pool cue. Peter recovers, then turns to Biker Dude #2.
Peter Griffin: "Hey, aren't you Richard Simmons's best friend, Richard Simmons?"
Biker Dude #2 shoots Peter.
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-12-08 11:45:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
child molesters get to have 10 minutes of having their wank used as a chew toy by baby lions and cheetahs.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-12-08 11:44:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
straight up
Submitted by MaximusPadus (user info) at 2004-12-08 11:38:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoops, forgot this.
Submitted by MaximusPadus (user info) at 2004-12-08 11:38:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Goddammit Jack! What the fuck did I tell you about letting the cheetah on the leather couch!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-12-08 11:28:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have to try the Skittles Gum. It looks and tastes exactly like, well Skittles.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-12-08 11:28:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So, if I stab someone, I only get the first one? I'll take my chances with the porcupines! If I stab 3 people, do I get 3 runs with 6 porcupines, or 1 with 18? I like your system and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-12-08 11:26:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For life godammit.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-12-08 11:26:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
monster trucks
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-12-08 11:26:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-12-08 11:26:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
2's
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2004-12-08 11:23:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ryu - I expect to see a birthday-related post tomorrow. Then a follow-up on friday with pictures of the previous days' debauchery.
happy birthday, duder!
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2004-12-08 11:22:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Only if we can televise it.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-12-08 11:22:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2004-12-08 11:22:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
absolutely - let's throw sex-offenders in the mix too!
I'm happy to entertain ideas for punishments for any kind of crime - other than non-violent crimes.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-12-08 11:21:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Zandy, my boy--I like your thinking.
On a totally unrelated note, tomorrow's my 23rd birthday. Woohoo!!
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-12-08 11:19:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Child molestation/porn?