Ghetto Cafe Mocha and Burning Eyeballs (1933 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.5 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by WiLL ZoNE (View user info) at 2004-12-08 11:52:35 EST
I get 2 fifteen minute breaks a day as well as an hour lunch break. I have each of my breaks meticulously planned out. Today's tale of torrid entanglements revolves around that first fifteen minute break; 10:00 AM to 10:15 AM.
When all goes right this is how Break #1 works out for me: Go outside, smoke a cigarette. Put on my tie using the chrome light fixtures as my mirror. Head back into the building and head on up to the 27th floor and get myself some coffee. Return to work. 15 minutes. Perfect.
My cigarette smoking and tie putting-on-ing worked just fine. Still had 7 minutes of magic time left. I passed the security checkpoint in the building and headed to the closest elevator. My thumb jabbed the button for the 27th floor with pinpoint accuracy. We were on our way...we being me and my thumb.
My company has something like 17 floors in this building. Each floor has a break room housing the typical break room fare. Small fridge, coffee machine, coffee supplies, kitchen sink, and cups. The coffee is shitty. The paper cups are small and a smidgeon thicker than a sheet Bounty. If you take too long drinking the liquid in the supplied paper cup, the cup will absorb the remaining liquid and eventually shred apart and create what moms call a "mess."
So, I'm preparing my Cup o' Joe when mine eyes behold a new addition to the 27th floor break room. My fragile heart skipped a beat...Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate. Mmm, Mmm delicious. I contemplated making myself a cup of hot chocolate, but I really need that rush of faux-energy from caffeine that only a cup of coffee can deliver. But again, hot chocolate is sooo good.
My eyes dart around the room and take in my surroundings and supplies and I formulate a plan. Using the right and left sides of my brain, or as I like to call them, the Emeril and MacGyver sides of my brain I decide to combine the coffee and hot chocolate to make a ghetto-rific Cafe Mocha.
I insert the coffee packet into the machine and watch it brew. I check the clock. 5 minutes before I have to return to the hell lovingly called my reception desk. The coffee is done bubbling and the ensuing crunch of the packet somewhere inside the contraption alerts me that my shitty coffee is ready. I put my absorbent cup on the counter and break out the hot chocolate packet.
What should be a simple "rip and dump" operation, turned out to be a painful and blinding netherworld of painfulness and blinding. I tore off the top of the packet of hot cocoa mix and unleashed a brown cloud of burning powder into the air. I, well namely my eyes, were the ground zero to this brown cloud of pain.
FUN FACT: Did you know that when Hot Cocoa powder enters the wet part of one's eye it triggers the vocal chords to scream a sound similar to that of a Moose getting its throat slashed by a filet knife?
FUN FACT (redux): Did you know that people, namely Partners at a law firm, are attracted to the sound of a moose getting its throat slashed by a filet knife? And did you also know that upon seeing a "Will Zone" crying chocolate tears in a back corner break room, said partners will just slowly sip their coffee, stare and shrug before walking away nonchalantly without offering any assistance?
FUN FACT: Did you know that sulfuric acid is the main ingredient in Swiss Miss Hot Cocoa mix?
My friends my eyes burned. Tears poured down my face. I was in pain. If I was able to see I would bet that if I looked in a mirror I would see brown, powdery lumps where my eyes once were. If my eyes are the window to my soul, then someone call 911 because my soul seems to be trapped in a tasty sand-storm.
They say that when you lose one of your senses, your other senses are heightened...this sadly is not the case. A lowly secretary came to my aid and when she asked if I needed any help I believe instead of speaking to her civilly, I was a screaming, cussing mad man.
Inside my mind I was asked her
"Oh, bless your heart kind woman, would you be so kind as to lead my hand to some sort of water source as am I blinded by powder, much like I'd be blinded by your beauty."
But I think it came out more like:
"Arggghh! Fucking water, fucking now, you fucking wench!"
My secretarial savior left the room quicker than an erection during a Golden Girls marathon. My hands searched the room like Helen Keller in a...in a...well, anywhere. I finally found the tap and started flushing out my eye. But don't worry, in my blind flailing I did manage to knock over my hot cup of coffee all over my hand which caused a nice slow-burn.
I cleaned up, and carefully prepared another Ghetto Café Mocha. I gave myself a quick once over in the mirror as I had no time left in my break. I went back towards the elevator my hand burning, my face wet, and my eyes beet-red.
To be honest, when I took that first sip of fresh Ghetto Café Mocha it was all worth it...it was just as shitty as I imagined.
Oh Uber, as an added bonus I just realized that Ghetto Cafe Mocha causes putrid gas to exit my butthole. People behind me today will love me.
Will
My eyes were on fire...the one thing worse than that would be to be in attendance and to be seen at a KISS concert.
User Reviews
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-12-18 06:16:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was solid +1 material.
Then this happened "My secretarial savior left the room quicker than an erection during a Golden Girls marathon." which was worth +2 alone.
-Dave
Submitted by Academy (user info) at 2004-12-17 20:36:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/54622 Official responce<>
Submitted by Ananse (user info) at 2004-12-14 11:19:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Crying chocolate tears"...classic.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-12-09 17:36:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-12-09 10:39:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by RaggedyAndy (user info) at 2004-12-09 00:25:32 (#)
Ranking: -2
Fun Fact: Helen Keller could write a better post smashing the keyboard with her forehead, you plagiarizing, arrogant waste of a fuck."
Please, noob, what have i plagerized?
-Will
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2004-12-09 08:43:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-08 12:51:44 (#)
Ranking: 1
Real pain is Kool-Aid...
It burns, it stings, AND youir tears stain your face...
-----------------------------------------------------
I must concur, a week ago, I opened a pack of kool-aid to make my monthly super-concentrated-sugar-water (three packs of kool-aid in one litre) and I put my nose to the packet to smell the new flavour I had never tasted before. But I inhaled too deeply, and my nose stung a little. So my first reaction was to exhale. I exhaled much too fast. The kool-aid was everywhere. And it was one of those changing colours kool-aid, it was blue in the packet but when it touched the liquid in my eyes it became red.
Submitted by lessthanfour (user info) at 2004-12-09 00:34:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amusing.
Submitted by RaggedyAndy (user info) at 2004-12-09 00:25:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Fun Fact: Helen Keller could write a better post smashing the keyboard with her forehead, you plagiarizing, arrogant waste of a fuck.
Submitted by OldManTeething (user info) at 2004-12-08 16:07:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"My eyes were on fire...the one thing worse than that would be to be in attendance and to be seen at a KISS concert."
I've sprayed startch in my eyes once, and it burned like a bitch. Never, never, was my pain so elegantly summed up. Thank you, Will.
Submitted by Luckylacquer (user info) at 2004-12-08 15:51:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Using the right and left sides of my brain, or as I like to call them, the Emeril and MacGyver sides of my brain.
Never before has it been so perfectly and yet simply explained. Yes, yes, YES! Sorry about your pain, dude. We have a coffee machine that makes pretty much "dark water". Sometimes you can have murky dirty water (cafe mocha) or light dirty water (french vanilla). I brought in my own coffee pot.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-12-08 15:33:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The goggles do nothing!!!!
Submitted by CaptainAmik (user info) at 2004-12-08 13:58:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THAT WAS AWESOME, other peoples pain makes my day much happier.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-12-08 13:39:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I decided to go make one of those, here at the office, before rating your post. You're right, it's terrible.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-08 12:51:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Real pain is Kool-Aid...
It burns, it stings, AND youir tears stain your face...
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-12-08 12:51:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
this post would be best read whilst juggling in Leicester Square on a unicycle.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-12-08 12:25:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They Call Me...
DOCTOR LOVE
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2004-12-08 12:17:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I also enjoy the Ghetto Cafe Mocha, but it is not a thing to be rushed. I once knocked over a whole coffee maker opening a packet of sugar.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-08 12:08:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty good, but was a bit clunky in some parts to read.
Maybe it was just me still rubbing off the effects of sleep.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-12-08 12:08:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for this...
"Using the right and left sides of my brain, or as I like to call them, the Emeril and MacGyver sides of my brain"
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-12-08 12:02:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
everybody knows to be careful when opening packs or packets of powder - flareups always ensue.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2004-12-08 12:00:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-08 11:56:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ghetto Mocha! I do that sometimes.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-12-08 11:58:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am so gonna show up mostly nekkid to your work again but when you are in... um, i mean someday, when you are in... yeah. havn't yet... but I will... Oh yes... I will.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-08 11:56:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ghetto Mocha! I do that sometimes. I always make sure to wear my safety goggles though.