The Gospel According to Jack – The Pranks of the Apostles 13:1-50 (717 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.13 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2004-12-08 17:36:15 EST
13:1 "I will anoint your feet with precious oils."
13:2 Mary had said that. 13:3 Jesus knew all the old prophecies, knew that he had to follow the game plan if he was going to be accepted as the son of God and the King of the Jews and a direct descendant of David and all that shit, so when Mary made the offer, he accepted.
13:4 "Okay," he said.
13:5 Jesus went to the door of her home. 13:6 A few of the boys were standing nearby, grinning and giving him 'bye-bye' waves and thumbs-up.
13:7 "I doubt he knows what's in store for him," Thomas whispered.
13:8 "Shut up," Judas hissed.
13:9 Jesus followed Mary into her home, and she closed the door. 13:10 She had some incense burning, some really heady shit, and only a few candles were lit. 13:11 He stubbed his toe on a wooden chest.
13:12 "Fuck," Jesus said, hopping on one foot.
13:13 "My ministrations are preordained," Mary said.
13:14 Whatever, Jesus thought. She came out with a lot of weird crap, but by Jehovah, when she stood outdoors in a strong breeze and the wind molded her clothes to her body, you could tell she had the kind of figure that drove men wild.
13:15 Mary told him to lie on the bed, and he did. 13:16 She sat on a footstool, and took off his sandals. 13:17 She took a cloth and warm water and washed his feet.
13:18 Jesus was surprised. It felt good. He crossed his hands under his head and stared at the ceiling.
13:19 Mary pushed the hem of his robe up. He heard her pouring something out of a jug and into a bowl. It smelled of spices.
13:20 She started rubbed his feet.
13:21 "Whoa," Jesus said.
13:22 "Does this pleasure you, my Lord?"
13:23 "Yeah," Jesus replied with a sigh. "Sure."
13:24 Mary finished oiling his feet, and he was about to get up when she said, "The anointing is not yet complete."
13:25 Jesus thought he heard someone snicker on the other side of the door.
13:26 Mary pushed his robe up to his waist.
13:27 Jesus felt cool air on his genitals and said, "Hey, what—"
13:28 Warm hands slick with a heavy oil redolent of cinnamon and cloves suddenly engulfed him, one hand cupping his testicles, one massaging his penis.
13:29 "God DAMN!" Jesus said.
13:30 He looked at Mary and saw her smiling, a nasty sort of smile, a smile that was a precursor to an act requiring forgiveness. 13:31 He was as hard as a rock in seconds. The oil was slick, and the spices made his flesh tingle.
13:32 Mary used both hands on his shaft now, adding more oil, and quickening her pace. 13:33 Jesus breathing became heavy, his body trembling.
13:34 "Yeah baby," Jesus said. 13:35 He was almost breathless. 13:36 "Stroke that thing."
13:37 All was silent save for Jesus' rush of breath and the shlickita-shlickita sounds of Mary's small hands on his manhood.
13:38 Jesus erupted. 13:39 His semen shot straight up into the air, streamers glowing white in the gloom.
13:40 "Whooo!" Mary cried. "What a load, my Lord!"
13:41 Without having a chance to catch his breath, lying there covered in his seed, Jesus was jolted to his feet by a booming voice.
13:42 "WHAT HAST THOU DONE HERE, MY SON? WHY HAST THOU SINNED SO?"
13:43 "Ummm..." Jesus said, this twitching penis still drooling.
13:44 "YOU SHALL KNOW MY WRATH! I SHALL CAST DOWN UPON YOU PUNISH... PUNISHMENTS... PUH..."
13:45 The booming voice dissolved into raucous laughter. 13:46 The door was thrown wide, and beyond were the Apostles screaming with laughter, tears running down their cheeks.
13:47 Mary gave Jesus a wicked smile and threw him a wink.
13:48 Judas was holding a clay jug over his mouth. 13:49 The thundering voice said, "GOT YOU, MY SON!"
13:50 "You fuckers," Jesus said.
User Reviews
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-02-27 19:00:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by FilledwithHate (user info) at 2008-02-27 19:00:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MrPresident (user info) at 2004-12-08 17:40:34 (#)
Ranking: -2
Jesus wouldn't say stuff like that, or even in that language. It's unnatural dialogue
--------------------
Whatever, stick-in-ass guy.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-27 18:22:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This shouldn't have been funny, but it was.
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-02-27 17:51:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
REAL fun.
E.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-11-14 13:32:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MrPresident (user info) at 2004-12-08 17:40:34 (#)
Ranking: -2
Jesus wouldn't say stuff like that, or even in that language. It's unnatural dialogue.
---
hahahhaHAHAHA
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-08-03 11:25:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Supreme Overlord damage control...
Submitted by Supreme_Overlord (user info) at 2005-07-21 22:16:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
shite
Submitted by pantsarestupid (user info) at 2005-03-29 14:52:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know how I missed this...
But JESUS it was good.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-12-29 15:51:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-12-17 21:19:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.ubersite.com/m/54626
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-08 21:13:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2LIVE!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-08 20:58:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, I just love blasphemy.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-12-08 20:49:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
OK in a Christopher Moore sort of way. I liked his better.
Submitted by SAECULUM.AUREUM (user info) at 2004-12-08 20:32:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2
Submitted by SAECULUM.AUREUM (user info) at 2004-12-08 20:32:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
13:25 Jesus thought he heard someone snicker on the other side of the door.
---------------------------------------
-2 -2
-2
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-12-08 19:50:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Kind of funny in a Hustler sort of way.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-12-08 19:11:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pretty funny
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2004-12-08 18:57:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done see you in hell lol.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-12-08 18:13:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-12-08 17:40:30 (#)
Ranking: -2
blasphemy
--
Forgive me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by MrPresident (user info) at 2004-12-08 17:40:34 (#)
Ranking: -2
Jesus wouldn't say stuff like that, or even in that language. It's unnatural dialogue.
--
Really? Thanks for clearing that up.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-12-08 18:05:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Got blasphemy?
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-12-08 17:59:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My mom gives me scented oil handjobs every Tuesday morning.
Submitted by horse87 (user info) at 2004-12-08 17:49:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You're going to hell for that one.
(Meet me at the bar on the inner edge of the first circle and I'll buy you a beer..)
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2004-12-08 17:46:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-12-08 17:40:30 (#)
Ranking: -2
blasphemy
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-12-08 17:41:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Uh, disturbing hence the 1. We all know Jesus likes his balls cupped so you're just preaching to the choir man.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-12-08 17:41:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This kicks..
SOOOOOO much ass.
Submitted by MrPresident (user info) at 2004-12-08 17:40:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Jesus wouldn't say stuff like that, or even in that language. It's unnatural dialogue.
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-12-08 17:40:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
blasphemy
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-12-08 17:40:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment