Adventures In Asia, Pt. 1 (807 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.79 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Slypher (View user info) at 2004-12-08 22:59:27 EST
This past summer I recently visited my Dad in his new place of residence. Kathmandu, Nepal. We went on the obligatory trips to Calcutta and Delhi to visit family. Fun times had by all. MY grandmother's like an Indian leprechaun. Every time I see her she's got another gold trinket to present to me. This year it was an authentic English Guinea. Last year, curiously, it was a pair of earrings. And no, it wasn't due to the fact that I thought the Hindustani word for "food" was actually the Hindustani word for "genitalia". Wait, what?
Anyways, when we got back to Kathmandu, I discovered something very pleasing to me.
Three words.
No Drinking Age.
Need I say more?
Well, actually, I do, since this post is like 10 lines long.
So, what do you think a person of my countenance would do with unlimited alcohol? Pretty much the same thing 99% of Uber would do.
Get pissed.
To all you non Euro-fags out there, that means to drink so much you start to believe you could totally score with the hot Swedish chick whose sitting at the bar alone and at least a foot taller than you.
But that's another story for another day.
Back to the matter at hand.
I had a couple of cousins in Kathmandu with me, both of which were a couple of years older and wiser than me. They didn't get QUITE as drunk as I did, but were still pretty sloshed. As we were driving home, I noticed how empty the streets were. When I questioned Prasan about this, he explained that it was almost like a military lockdown every night. Anybody walking the streets was fair game for the many military patrols stationed around the city. (Notice the foreshadowing?) All of a sudden, as is common after a night of drinking, I had the uncontrollable urge to piss. I immediately made Prasan pull the car over and let me get out to pee on the side of the road.
Me, being the myopic bastard I am, have next to NO night vision. I stumbled towards what I thought was the curb, only to discover it was actually a sharp ditch that ended in a very tall concrete wall. This should have been my first clue to maybe survey my surroundings a bit more, but alas, fermented potatoes don't really help the thought process of otherwise rational people. I proceeded to unzip, place one hand on the wall, the other on my happyhappyjoyjoy and let loose.
Lights, camera, ACTION!
"HAJINALA KANICH NQA MAY TOSTA! TOSTA! TOSTA!"
"What the fuck?"
"OH SHIT! GET BACK IN THE CAR!"
I happened to look up and saw what probably would have made me piss my pants had I not already been pissing in the first place. Four armed guards with semi-auto machine guns trained on something below them. That something happened to be my drunken ass. Suddenly, in a moment of excruciating soberness, it clicked.
This was the fucking Royal Palace wall. I was pissing on the Royal Palace.
See, the area surrounding the Royal Palace was the richest part of town. And my Dad, being quite well off, lived very close to the East Entrance into the palace.
You can probably piece it together from there.
Needless to say, I ran. I ran until my lungs burned and my veins pumped battery acid. Well, no actually, I ran until I jammed my exposed crotch area into the side view mirror of the running car my terrified cousins were sitting in. This spooked Prasan, the fucking traitor, and he immediately jammed on the accelerator. So there I am, standing with my now small penis flapping in the breeze wondering what the fuck I do now, when I finally see the car's brake lights switch on. Remember, now, that during this whole escapade, the spotlights were still trained on me, and although I couldn't see them anymore, the machine guns probably were too.
I start to run and catch up with the car, imagining in my mind that this is gonna end up on Kathmandu's version of "Cops". I get to the passenger side and wrench open the door. Again, this spooks Prasan, because he's a god damn chicken head, and he starts to take off again.
At this point, I had two options. Either step back and look forward to the male version of "Brokedown Palace", or take my chances and grab onto the seatbelt. I, of course, looking out for the safety of my ass, opted for the second choice. I grab onto both belts, hanging on for dear life. Prasan looks right at me, grabs my collar, and then pulls my shirt over my head.
Now I'm blind, with the top of my already abused sack getting scraped on the zipper of my jeans, hanging out of the passenger side of a moving car. In Kathmandu. K-K-Kathmanduuuuuu.
Needless to say, I made it home safely, albeit, not without a few urine stains on my brand new jeans.
Point of the story is, my cousin is a pussy.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-06-16 17:36:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-12-10 05:33:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-12-09 23:17:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Another "I pissed on something while drunk" post.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-12-09 11:18:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well done and may i say, kathmandu how nice.
thou art redeemed although i don'teth remembereth saying thateth
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-12-09 10:28:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you bang an asian princess?
WELL?!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-09 10:17:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, I laughed. WHY ARE THERE NO PICTURES???!?!??!??!?
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-12-09 01:21:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beat your cousin's ass.
Frequently.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-12-09 01:03:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahhahah....
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-12-09 00:24:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-12-08 23:56:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay, you got my +2. Excellent post.
But don't linkwhore to me.
If I want to read a post, I will find it on uber.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-12-08 23:30:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PyroBeast (user info) at 2004-12-08 23:27:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Seralena (user info) at 2004-12-08 23:24:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SLYPHER HAS A SMALL PENIS!
But we love him anyway.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-12-08 23:13:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, that's back to back excellent stories. I'm impressed.
Submitted by Slypher (user info) at 2004-12-08 23:13:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, I am American. Half Indian, but raised mostly in America.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-12-08 23:13:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for linkwhoring over aim, I'll read it when I'm done with my essay.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-12-08 23:08:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I take it you're American, cos only Americans would get so excited about there being no drinking age (Read: the rest of the world is allowed to get into bars before we start drawing our pensions).
Anyway, do you guys call thr Indian subcontinent Asia too? I thought that was just a British thing.
Anyway, good antics. Antics usually get plustoo.