Papsmears, or, the Mono Epidemic (980 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.18 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by girlintheworld (View user info) at 2004-12-09 17:27:34 EST
I went to the Health Center yesterday to get a papsmear done. I'm 20, normally you get these done when you turn 18, so by this time, I probably have cancer and AIDS not to mention syphillis and clamidia. The reason why I had to go was to get birth control pills--yes people, what can I say... I want to have sex and lots of it *choke* (oooh bad joke there that wasn't intended) (even though you can't get pregnant from oral sex and therefore don't need birth control for it... where was I? Oh yes.) So anyway, I want birth control pills, cause uh, if I do have sex I want to be protected and condoms aren't foolproof. (Well, you say, neither are birth control pills, you dumbass. I know that so STOP INTERRUPTING MY STORY!!!!)
So the health center, in my eyes, is not the most upstanding medical facility around. Most of the time, no matter what, you have mono. "I have a headache." "Are you sexually active?" "No." "Oh, you must have mono." "My stomach hur--" "Mono. Be gone with you!"
I expected though, that womanly procedures would be slightly different than your "everyday common cold" procedures. Nope, I was wrong.
It started out with the usual questions.
"Have you ever had a papsmear before?"
"No"
"Are you sexually active?"
"Yes"
"Do you have a partner now?"
"Yes"
"Male or female?"
"Male"
"And how long have you been with him?"
"3 months"
"And what method of contraception do you use when you have sex?"
"We haven't had sex."
"How often do you have sex?"
"We don't."
"But you said you were sexually active."
"I said that because I have had sex before."
"Oh. How long ago was that?"
"A year."
"So you have had intercourse before?"
"Yes."
"Ok, get fully undressed and she'll be in here soon."
Ok, so then there's this gown thing. I've been instructed to tie this up in front, problem is that the strings aren't even. One is located by my thigh, the other is located by my stomach. So, in the essence of some dignity I have a crooked tied gown on.
The lady comes in and starts talking to me about breast exams and how I should learn to do them myself.
"Go in circles like this."
K lady, what the fuck. We're not kneading dough here.
Then we get to the pelvic exam.
Now, normally, I'm not stupid. I know that in this part, a contraption called a ducky is used. I think this is because gynecologists want to give a nod to Hitleresque experiments, or, guys just want to get a closer look at where the clitoris is located. "We want to check if you have cancer." YEAH RIGHT BUDDY. TELL ME ANOTHER ONE.
"So you're a virgin?"
"No."
"So you've had intercourse before."
...... "Yes....."
During this conversation, she sticks this thing in me that is most certainly NOT a ducky. To make matters worse, she TWISTS it.
"I... have... to get... the right .... angle..."
"So you're NOT a virgin?"
"NO!!!"
In. Out. In. Out. Yes, I remember what sex feels like.
"You might bleed a little bit."
A little bit?
Then she forgets something and leaves this thing in me.
"Um, helllooooo?"
Finally, she's done, I get my pills and I leave, feeling like I've been fucked for days. And for once, I didn't have mono.
User Reviews
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2005-06-30 19:57:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
...So what?
I have a better story. I bought a gallon jug of water last week. Yesterday I bought a bottle of water. The water in each container was almost gone last night, so I poured the bottled water into what remained of the gallon and drank it straight from the jug! The End.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-06-30 19:26:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What IS this shit? I leave a fairly funny review, and nobody follows up on it. DISAPPOINTMENT....
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-04-13 02:02:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah. My doctor did that to me once. Only it was my ass, and he had both hands on my shoulders, and he was grunting and using a lot of obscene language and sweating profusely. WTF?!?
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2004-12-26 23:48:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for a great post.
+ another 1 for a great picture-ending.
Nicely done.
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2004-12-09 23:28:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-12-09 23:12:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wheres Koolmang when you need him
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-09 23:09:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Who else is singing the penis song from monty python's the meaning of life right now?
Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis,
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy,
It's divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world's biggest prick.
So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas,
Hooray for your one eyed trouser snake,
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
Your Percy or your cock,
You can wrap it up in ribbons,
You can slip it in your sock,
But don't take it out in public
Or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won't come back.
Submitted by MrPresident (user info) at 2004-12-09 19:27:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Pear maps? WHAT?
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-12-09 19:03:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Youch.
Submitted by miss_behvn (user info) at 2004-12-09 18:36:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh baby, its just the beginning. I have had many, many , many pap smears and there are so many more to come. It doesnt get better.
FYI pap smears do not test for std's. It is not part of the annual check up thing.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2004-12-09 18:11:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story. i feel for females and dang pap smears, wouldnt be nice having a complete stranger fiddle around with your genitals. although on the other hand!
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-12-09 17:35:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that sucks.
well told.
Submitted by Alairon (user info) at 2004-12-09 17:34:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha, nice story - as a guy (yes people, im a guy...) all i can do is nod smile and try not to laugh... (its not working)