One of those days (1909 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.97 on 45 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-12-09 20:51:03 EST
THINGS I HAVE LEARNED TODAY:
-When the car makes a strange noise, don't pretend it's a child. Don't assume it'll go away if you ignore it. When everyone you know says "Circe (although if they're calling you Circe you may have more problems than your car can be held accountable for) your car sounds really, really bad," don't smile and turn the radio up. And really, really don't do it for three weeks.
-Brake pedals are not supposed to sink all the way to the floor without slowing the car down. What a shocker, huh?
-Mechanics have two distinct looks they give to women. The first is the "Awww, look at the brainless little thing. Women shouldn't be allowed to drive cars. Nice tits, though" look. The second is the one where they look at you as though you're a walking, talking credit card and you can HEAR the cash register in their minds 'cha-ching'ing frantically.
-I prefer the first one.
-The 1997 Toyota Tarago is a rear wheel drive. This means that if the tailshaft falls out, the car won't go.
-Thirty eight degrees Celcius is exactly the right temperature to drain every last drop of moisture in your body out through your pores while you walk back from where the car shat itself after you drove it downtown even though it made that noise that sounds like a kitchen falling down three flights of stairs and landing on a brass band.
-Tow truck drivers have a strange sense of humor. "Haha, did ya hear the police scanner? Yeah, there's a powerboat outta control down near the bridge. Kids in the water screamin'. Ya gotta love the tourist season, right? Right? Am I right or what?"
-I can love my car even when it's sitting there, not moving, being about as much use to me as an (insert random male oriented sex toy here.)
-There is something in me, some genetic flaw passed down by my mother, that makes me look at mechanics and whimper "It's making, like, I don't know, this crashing popping sound when I slow down. I thought it was a flat tire, but it isn't. I put oil in it yesterday, so it can't be that. And... I don't know. Like a crashing pop. You know what I mean?" while blinking rapidly and biting my lip. I'm going to have that part of my brain cut out, or electrocuted. I can repair a washing machine, goddammit, but I turn into this vapid fluttery twit when faced with a pair of grease stained overalls and breath that could kill small children. Hate, hate, hate.
-Leaving one's housekeys in one's car when said car is parked in the locked garage downtown is a stupid fucking thing to do.
-There is no day, no matter how shitty, no matter how fucked, no matter how migraine inducing and nerve-fraying, that the sound of a small child saying 'uh-oh.. all gone' combined with the simultaneous flushing of a toilet and the realisation that your purse is missing from the bench cannot make worse. (It's convoluted, but it makes sense. Really.)
-There is no day that a cup of coffee and a sly cigarette outside in the cool of a summer evening while you bask in the knowledge that all the kids are gonna leave you alone for twelve hours can't make better.
User Reviews
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-19 03:46:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid four pages of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-10-11 20:32:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by towed88 (user info) at 2005-10-11 19:45:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"after you drove it downtown even though it made that noise that sounds like a kitchen falling down three flights of stairs and landing on a brass band."
This is pure beauty by the way...
Being the lazy bastard I have become I know when my conveyance of choice is protesting but I can usally identify if its a vital piece or not. Not vital, not a problem. For example, I have this wonderful click click click click click click click click going on in the front when I roll down the street the faster I roll the faster the click. Its been doignt hsi for at least a year so I've made the decision that it ain't vital cuz it ain't broken yet. So I drive with the windows up so I don't hear it.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-09-27 10:22:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow... I had missed this earlier....
Submitted by pantsarestupid (user info) at 2005-03-29 13:30:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"but I turn into this vapid fluttery twit when faced with a pair of grease stained overalls and breath that could kill small children."
I feel your pain.
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2005-03-29 13:17:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
my parents bought a 1990 Ferrari Testarossa yesterdya with 18K miles. how sweet is that shit?
Submitted by Supercords (user info) at 2005-03-29 12:56:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-06 19:45:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're too fucking funny.
Submitted by wasabi (user info) at 2004-12-17 03:44:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-12-14 09:41:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my god you make me piss in my pants
Submitted by toothfish___ (user info) at 2004-12-14 08:52:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Too bad, but look on the bright side your day could actually have been worse.
You could for instance, have been forced of the road and hit a lamppost setting you back 47K and three weeks without wheels.
Hypothetically speaking of course.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-12-13 10:13:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh what a feeling...Toy-o-ta!
(jumps up)
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-12-12 07:30:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a ghost car!
Submitted by Demolocke (user info) at 2004-12-11 22:47:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-12-11 15:39:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I took my car back to the mechanic so they could REALLY fix the oil leak in the master cylinder they failed to fix last time, only this time I stuck two cantaloupe melons down my shirt first.
You're right about the looks you get.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-10 19:38:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Loki - Cookies! Yes, please... even though there's a voice in my head telling me not to trust any cookies sent by Loki. And especially don't give them to the kids.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-12-10 16:26:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Traffic Cones it is.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-12-10 14:23:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why you were named Female author of the year.
Excellent.
-Davros
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-12-10 13:37:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We have six count them SIX big ass tins of cookies that various venders have cursed us with. Would it make you feel better if I sent you some?
There is also a box of oranges or 'juggling balls' in the break room, but some of them are a tad bit bruised now or I'd send you some of those too.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-10 13:27:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awwww
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-12-10 12:19:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-10 12:10:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Snark - can we make them traffic cones instead? Something about red plastic makes me all...
You know.
Strange.
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2004-12-10 11:58:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sly cigarette?
BUT YOU'RE AUSTRALIAN: THE BASTARD CHILDREN OF BRITAIN.
I will accept no phrase in palce of "crafty fag" because it sounds so ridiculous and English-like.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-10 11:47:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-12-10 11:29:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're car is dead.
Pack up the kids and come to Canada. I carved out a really nice spot in my glacier for you to live in.
We'll spend long hours doing kinky things to each other with snow cones.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-12-10 09:14:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
gasp....breathe
AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
On another note, is that the faint chalk outline of your last victim I see on your driveway?
Submitted by i_walk_alone (user info) at 2004-12-10 09:10:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
took my car in yesterday to get worked on . . . hopefully it'll run when I get it back
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-12-10 06:26:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My car is the bane of my existance.
That could be because I keep driving it into things.
Ah well.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-12-10 06:14:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd fuck you if you had a car or not.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-12-10 05:59:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh man i feel your pain.
taking my car in for repairs is as horrifying as getting a root canal with no novacaine.
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-12-10 04:54:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
plus two ebwirn your circr nd youre hot and im drunk and yeah. you rule WOOOO
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-12-10 04:37:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know when people tell you "someday you'll look back on this and laugh"?
That never seems to come true for me; only now I realize it's because I lack the ability to go home and write something amazingly funny about whatever torturous ordeal I've just gone through.
Or, put another way: Heh heh heh. You said "tailshaft".
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2004-12-10 03:13:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
great post...
shame about the car though...
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-10 01:40:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bigmike - Yeah. Yeah, it is. Where my car should be, right now, waiting for me... *sigh*
You can have my children, Mike.
What do you think; crate or cage for shipping?
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-12-09 23:55:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's your driveway isn't it.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
If I didn't already have children of my own, I'd want to have yours.
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2004-12-09 23:08:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Rocktsrgn (user info) at 2004-12-09 22:14:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking mechanics. Had to deal with them today when they tried to charge me an extra $100 fucking dollars for tires.
Pricks.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-12-09 22:12:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cars < Jetpacks.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-12-09 22:07:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lessthanfour (user info) at 2004-12-09 22:02:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*points; laughs*
Hope things get better soon.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-12-09 21:23:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Female mechanics are always leering at me prominent balls...
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-09 21:19:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is most definitely NOT what you promised me for your next post. But I soppose that you had an excuse.
Don't let it happen again.
Submitted by Bickerstaff (user info) at 2004-12-09 21:08:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2004-12-09 21:06:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit i peed myself reading this. Circe you owe me a new pair of underpants.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2004-12-09 20:59:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mechanics have two distinct looks they give to women.
- - - - - -
I see those looks way too oft and I don't even have tits.