Adventures of a dead man: I'm a porn star! (956 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 2 on 4 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Zombie Reagan (View user info) at 2004-12-10 18:54:27 EST
So I've been dead for a few months now, and all the old inhibitions are really fading away.
I spent a few hours bumming around my last victims house (blonde/nice rack/small cerebellum) and got hooked on this "internets" the young un's have been raving about. Particularly impressive was the vast array of erotica. Perusing http://www.hardcoreslutsanalreamedbyconservativestudmuffins.com I thought:
"I gotta get me some of that."
As a denizen of the graveyard, I've met many interesting people - faggots, vampires, queers, catholic schoolgirls, flaming homos. So it was easy to make contact with the seamy underworld of the porn industry. Within hours I was in the studios of legendary pornmeister Dick Donkey - sodomist, Baptist, Republican. We bonded like brothers.
So this was the deal. I would indulge in a little sofa action with a strangely silent, but very feminine porn star by the name of "Harpy." It's been a while since I was in front of the cameras, so I was a little nervous.
"OK. 3...2...1...rolling...that's it Ronnie. Give it to her. Hard. Fuck her over like you did this glorious country, Mr. President."
- "Whoa, whoa. Hold up. What did you call me?"
"Uh...Ronnie. Mr. President. Sir."
- "Holy shit! I was the President? You think you'd remember something like that...though it would explain all those free jellybeans...and why that fag Bush hated my guts. You not just messing with me?"
"No. And I'm not paying you to talk about the past. I'm paying you to bang this comatose bitch. The roofies'll wear off soon, we'll have to dump her somewhere before that happens. So hit that shit. Now!"
I tried, like the trooper I am. But I just couldn't keep it up. And Dick knew it.
"Damn, you're worthless. I spent more time writing the script than you did hard!"
- "Well, I am 92. And dead."
"Quit bitching. Larry, you know what to do."
I failed to measure up. I failed to rise to my porn star name. I failed Dick, and he made me pay for it. I was subjected to the ultimate indignity.
They made me wear a strap-on dildo.
Afterwards, I ate their brains. Bastards.
Hers too. Bitch.
User Reviews
Submitted by arcane (user info) at 2004-12-11 15:38:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA funny! The presidents will roam the earth, feeding on the flesh of the living for all time! Its funny because we have stories about old egyptian kings comming back to attack us. Do you think in the year 3000 there will be a movie about some guy who opens the tomb of bill clinton and unleashes the mummies curse?
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2004-12-11 10:06:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Zombie_Reagan (user info) at 2004-12-11 07:11:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
One review? One fucking review in twelve hours?
I looked it up, and I was the President. For eight years.
Fuck you all.
Submitted by Chronicles_of_College_Guy (user info) at 2004-12-10 18:58:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Read some of my stuff. I think we could get alone well.
Cool post, man.