Toddler standup (584 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DemoLocke (View user info) at 2004-12-11 03:42:59 EST
Anyone in the house still shit their diapers?
(waits for cheers)
Man, I remember my potty training. It was ruthless. Sink the boats, sink the boats. I swear those things were unsinkable. Just to be sure, I went ahead and tried some of my mom's casserole one night. That should do the trick, I thought.
I gave those boats my worst, and still they would not sink! They handled the casserole a lot better than I did!
I'm off diapers now, though. Have been for 6 weeks...
(waits for applause)
No, no, don't applaud. It was kind of something that had to happen eventually. Ever try pickin' up chicks with a loaded diaper? Good luck, right?
Girls... They always want to play house. And I'm fine with that, house is cool. But have you ever been playing along when she starts complaining for you to get a job? I say sure, walk out, wait a few minutes, walk back in. She says, 'that wasn't work.' It's like, What do you expect? I don't see any food in that pot you're stirring, bitch.
House doesn't compare to feeding ducks, though.
So you're at the pond, right, and you're thinking, I could really go for some of this bread! And go figure, you never wanted bread before in your life.
Your mom said no, your dad said no, but you'd do anything for just the smallest piece. It will ruin your dinner, they say.
But the minute they look away...
(waits for laugher)
I say dinner was ruined by default when my mom decided to cook it!
And that's the thing, too. You'll get a timeout! A timeout! So dinner comes along and now all of sudden you have to eat, or it's another 5 minutes in your room. Where are the ducks now, when it's casserole on the table?
Thanks, you've been a great audience.
User Reviews
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2004-12-11 13:58:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, that was great.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-12-11 13:49:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-12-11 07:07:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good concept, but not that well done, and I didn't understand a lot of it.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2004-12-11 04:46:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
everyone is drunk tonight
i wish i was back in college.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-12-11 04:39:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cause im wasted
Submitted by Ed_0150 (user info) at 2004-12-11 04:19:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Cool idea
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2004-12-11 04:14:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
this was definately a cool idea, though.
makes me want to come up with shit.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2004-12-11 04:12:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you try to get kids to shit/piss on boats?
what happened to a rolled up newspaper and rubbing their faces in any messes?
Submitted by Demolocke (user info) at 2004-12-11 04:00:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wish I could blame this one on alcohol.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-12-11 03:51:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Pray there's a sniper in the crowd.