Camwhore: Recognize This Gal? (1924 hits)
Category: GraphicsRating: 2 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by funkchomper (View user info) at 2004-12-11 19:39:34 EST
I leave Jamaica on Tuesday. As a result, I have decided to soak up as much sun as I can before returning to the Frozen North, or as I refer to it, Florida. After picking up my towel (http://funkserve.no-ip.com/images/gaytowel.jpg ) I started down the steps of my apartment. Upon reaching the ground, I started to orient myself in the direction of the beach when I was interrupted by a sharp pain in my Achilles' tendon. Looking down, I beheld a crab gripping my heel.
"Yes, you. I'm talking to you," quoth he in a surprising baritone voice.
"Um... ow?" I returned.
"You have trod upon my domain for the last time, human. Every day I am forced to seek shelter when your gigantic feet make their presence felt all over my dirt farm, and I will take it no longer!"
"Are you saying this is your land? My family has been here since the 1700's!"
"Check the deed, human. You're great, great, great, great, etc grandfather was only able to afford this prime piece of real estate with the aid of a large loan from Crustacionǻ the great. As a result he promised all the land we would need, for ever and ever, which in your measurements equates to 2 ¼ square feet. WHICH YOU ARE STANDING ON RIGHT NOW. Prepare to die."
With these words, he leapt at me, expanding as he did until his thorax, or abdomen, or ... main body part was as large as my torso. His enormous right claw swung in a terrifying arc, but thinking quickly I jammed one of my flip flops into the joint, effectively locking it open. After this our battle blurred into a seemingly endless series of jabs, slashes, tickles, bites, cracks, grunts, and trash talk.
The next thing I remember was waking up on the ground next to the stairs of my apartment. The great crab was bathing my face with a warm washcloth.
"You fought well, human. You have gained the respect of my people, and now I may tell you my name. I am the great Eskimo actor Jennifer Love Hewitt, and I have posed nude many times as a result of heavy drinking. However, no one has seen these pictures yet. I would be extremely embarrassed should anyone find them and decided the obvious solution was to change my form and become the new leader of the Jamaican Crab Militia. I have come at just the right time, as my new people were on the brink of starvation, but my knowledge of farming has saved them. None of this will make sense to you yet, but one day it will."
Jennifer looked at me with her soft, knowing eyes, and I couldn't help but believe her.
"Consider this land yours, Jennifer. I will just have to hop over whenever I leave my apartment, but that's no big deal. I am truly sorry for any harm I may have caused."
Jennifer gave a somber nod and smiled, and we sealed this pact with a photo:
User Reviews
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2006-02-16 23:48:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
1362.
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2005-10-07 17:35:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why do i write poop?
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-12-29 11:30:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, almost a thousand hits on this one, apparently people like to see me in friendly poses with crustaceans.
OK, a thousand isn't a lot to some of you, but it is to me. sniff.
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-12-14 22:57:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh Jennifer, I miss you so.
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-12-13 14:12:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-13 13:05:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Y'all sure do make a cute couple.
_______________
Thank you. It's just as well she perished, I was falling for her fast and my family is a little specie-ist.. specist.. spe- you know what I'm trying to say.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-13 13:05:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Y'all sure do make a cute couple.
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-12-13 12:53:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I just stepped on a crab this very morning. It wasn't Jennifer, for as I stated before, she is dead. *sigh*
Submitted by Martyn_Steiner (user info) at 2004-12-12 16:48:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My mother was a Canadian.
It's a lie, but a good lie.
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-12-12 10:01:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jennifer Love Hewitt is dead. :(
I found her body this morning, crushed by a taxi-cab's tire mere inches from the shelter of her crab-hole. Mourn with me.
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-12-11 22:43:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
MrP, you can play the Oliver Twist to my pot of gruel any day. Now go to bed hungry.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-11 22:11:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
MrP, you are still a fucking idiot.
Go the fuck away.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-12-11 21:52:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
surrealistically funny.
Submitted by MrPresident (user info) at 2004-12-11 21:47:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Please Sir may I have some more?
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2004-12-11 21:37:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Eskimo actor Jennifer Love Hewitt.
Thats a 2 right there.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-12-11 20:40:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good.
Submitted by Slypher (user info) at 2004-12-11 20:34:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Family Guy references always get a plus fucking two.
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-12-11 20:30:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I have always tried to imitate Macguyver, mostly because I liked his hair.
I still can't believe I made such a stupid Typo.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-11 20:12:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"but thinking quickly I jammed one of my flip flops into the joint, effectively locking it open."
Flip-flocps are MacGuyver's favorite tool!
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2004-12-11 20:08:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heart warming.
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-12-11 19:40:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
STUPID STUPID funkchomper! You're != your. GRRRR.