I Have Seen the Light and I am Now a Christian (1710 hits)
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Submitted by Vermin (View user info) at 2004-12-12 17:03:21 EST
Up until just recently I have been an atheist. The Christian religion just seemed so laughably pathetic and it amazed me at how otherwise intelligent people could believe in such childish nonsense. Jesus this and God that. What puny and ridiculous beliefs. Even a semi-literate child can see that it is all made up stories, just like Zeus, Thor and Allah. (Just so I do not exclude any religious people out there who are non-Christians, let me just say your beliefs are stupid and ignorant as well.)
It always seemed to me that there are two kinds of believers:
1) People born into a Christian family. They are indoctrinated from birth to believe in this crap, so while they are otherwise normal and rational people, they have this huge blind spot for the dogma of their formative years.
2) Broken people who cling to faith to fill a void in their lives. Drug addicts, cripples, criminals, all these people praying in the hope that maybe the next life will be better and fairer then this one. That someone, somewhere cares about their worthless lives.
Of course both groups are wrong and their prayers are heard by no one.
Or so I thought until recently. Now there is a third kind of believer. Myself.
You see, I decided to read the Bible from cover to cover just for the hell of it, and let me tell you something: the bible kicks serious fucking ass. The word of God allows me to live my life the way I have always wanted to. My dreams are now taking flight in a way I never thought possible and I'm using the power of the Bible to release my full potential.
First of all, I read this bible verse (one of my personal favorites):
***If a man lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; tier blood shall be upon them. (Leviticus 20:13)***
So all this time my gay bashing has been righteous in the eyes of the Lord. I like to beat up gays because they sicken me and it's fun, but in fact I was doing God's will. Holy shit I am a good god damn Christian.
Then I read this verse:
***Withhold not chastisement from a boy; if you beat him with a rod he will not die. Beat him with the rod, and you will save him from the nether world. (Proverbs 23:13-14)***
Well glory hallelujah! I've been beating my son in drunken rages for years now. I have always felt a little guilty about that when I sober up, however I now realize that I am actually doing my son a favor when I savagely attack him with a steel rod. I'm saving him from the nether world. Tonight I'm going to bash him real good.
The good news is that if my son ever stands up to me and hits me back, I can just read him this bible verse:
***Whoever strikes his father or mother shall be put to death. (Exodus 21:15)***
And then proceed to gut him like a fish. Beautiful. They thought of everything.
So then I read this:
***A man or a woman who acts as a medium or fortuneteller shall be put to death by stoning; they have no one but themselves to blame for their death. (Leviticus 20:27)***
I went down to the local palm reader's hut and stoned that bitch dead.
I finally came across this doozy:
***The LORD then gave these further instructions to Moses: 'Tell the people of Israel to keep my Sabbath day, for the Sabbath is a sign of the covenant between me and you forever. It helps you to remember that I am the LORD, who makes you holy. Yes, keep the Sabbath day, for it is holy. Anyone who desecrates it must die; anyone who works on that day will be cut off from the community. Work six days only, but the seventh day must be a day of total rest. I repeat: Because the LORD considers it a holy day, anyone who works on the Sabbath must be put to death.' (Exodus 31:12-15)***
I am just oiling up my AK-47 right now just before I head to the mall. There are a whole lot of sinners who need to be put to death this holiday season. I think God will forgive my raging hard-on as I pump round after round into the skulls of the screaming teenagers and mothers working in the stores After all, I am just doing God's good work you know.
Fuck do I sure do love the Bible. For me, the Bible is kind of like one of those Anthony Robbins self-help books that release the power within. It has allowed me to live the life of depravity I always wanted, and feel good about it in the process. Glory hallelujah!
User Reviews
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-02-11 16:50:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
***A man or a woman who acts as a medium or fortuneteller shall be put to death by stoning; they have no one but themselves to blame for their death. (Leviticus 20:27)***
I went down to the local palm reader's hut and stoned that bitch dead.
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oh the visual images... HILARIOUS!
Submitted by nicololoid (user info) at 2005-01-31 05:46:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you nailed it dude!
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-01-20 01:31:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FelizJbirth (user info) at 2005-01-20 01:27:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's true, people like to pick on "fundamentalist" Christians, but at least they're not lying to themselves about what they're worshipping, as stupid as it may be. If you think the bible is "meant to be interpreted", then you're not a Christian, period. The fact that people so desperately cling to this just further proves that the bible is, in fact, a work of fiction.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-12-13 09:55:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hooray for heaven! Boo hell, boo!
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-13 02:58:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Catholics aren't really Christians, either. they must be stoned as well.
http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0071/0071_01.asp
Submitted by Vermin (user info) at 2004-12-13 02:13:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
For any of you unenligtened heathens and false Christians who that that the OT no longer applies, here are a couple versus:
"Do not think that I have come to abolish the law or the prophets. I have come not to abolish but to fulfill. Amen, I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest part or the smallest part of a letter will pass from the law, until all things have taken place."
(Matthew 5:17)
and
"For truly, I say to you, till heaven and earth pass away, not an iota, not a dot, will pass the law until all is accomplished. Whoever then relaxes one of the least of these commandments and teaches men so, shall be called least in the kingdom of heaven; but he who does them and teaches them shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven."
(Matthew 5:18-19)
So if you are not with me in killing people who chose to work on Sundays, you are not true Christians. Sorry.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-12 22:24:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
dave grohl is god.
that had nothing to do with this post.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-12-12 22:19:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YES!!!!!!!
Submitted by Sofa_Ace (user info) at 2004-12-12 21:52:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lojope, why are you replying to this? don't you know it was written by a man? How dare you speak.
Timothy 2:11-13
Let a woman learn in silence, in all subjection. And I do not allow a woman to teach nor to exercise authority over a man, but to be in silence. For Adam was formed first, then Eve.
And that's in the new testament too.
By the way, I did this post first. http://www.ubersite.com/m/53805
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-12-12 21:38:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastico
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-12 21:10:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because the Old testament is some funny fucked up shit.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-12-12 20:59:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was funny. I could get into a whole thingy about how the old testament rules don't apply anymore, but this isn't the place. This post was funny. End of story.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-12 20:30:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this has been all over the web, including emails i've received, and has been used a few times on Ubersite- http://www.ubersite.com/m/19284
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-12-12 20:24:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can you find the verse that justifies killing Iraqis and such?
I sure would like to feel like we're entitled to do it.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-12-12 19:56:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good shit. Much better than Lojope's Christianity thing. I've got nothing against her, but I've been bored out of my skull reading most of her posts.
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2004-12-12 19:20:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Evil_Morg (user info) at 2004-12-12 19:06:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thankfully, I've done my shopping for this year.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-12-12 18:42:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by MrPresident (user info) at 2004-12-12 18:31:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-12 18:02:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-12-12 17:59:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
So if you aren't caught, it's OK in the eyes of the Lord?
How about following it up with murder for sin, or some bullshit like that. Pretty sure that's how it goes in places like Saudi Arabia. The rapee gets banished or beheaded, and the rapist gets a pat on the back, or a medal. You think men set up that system?
Submitted by Vermin (user info) at 2004-12-12 17:52:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
For rape there are a few penaltys:
If a man is caught in the act of raping a young woman who is not engaged, he must pay fifty pieces of silver to her father. Then he must marry the young woman because he violated her, and he will never be allowed to divorce her.
Deuteronomy 22:28-29
So to rape a broad you better have 50 pieces of silver ready and be prepared to settle down with her. Make sure she's a looker first.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-12-12 17:44:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
But can the Bible justify rape?
That's the 64 thousand dollar question.
Submitted by Vermin (user info) at 2004-12-12 17:42:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You can find a bible verse to justify stoning just about anyone. It fucking rules! All you non-believers out their are truly missing out. I fucking love being a Christian.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2004-12-12 17:39:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-12 17:24:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2004-12-12 17:21:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
-1 People born and raised in Christian families are not 'wrong', so long as they lead good lives and love god and all that jazz; everything is fine.
+1 Either way, I'm a born and raised and confirmed Catholic, so i'm above your scrawny-'seeing the light'-arse on the stairway to heaven :)
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what? what was that you said? you want to be stoned to death?
let's stone the fuck out of this bitch, Vermin. surely it is God's will.
stoned for getting along with others? dont be silly.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-12 17:28:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-12-12 17:23:33 (#)
Ranking: 0
auto -2 for religion, but +2 because it was funny.
0, beeyotch.
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yet another sinner who must die.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-12 17:24:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2004-12-12 17:21:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
-1 People born and raised in Christian families are not 'wrong', so long as they lead good lives and love god and all that jazz; everything is fine.
+1 Either way, I'm a born and raised and confirmed Catholic, so i'm above your scrawny-'seeing the light'-arse on the stairway to heaven :)
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what? what was that you said? you want to be stoned to death?
let's stone the fuck out of this bitch, Vermin. surely it is God's will.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-12-12 17:23:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
auto -2 for religion, but +2 because it was funny.
0, beeyotch.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2004-12-12 17:21:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
-1 People born and raised in Christian families are not 'wrong', so long as they lead good lives and love god and all that jazz; everything is fine.
+1 Either way, I'm a born and raised and confirmed Catholic, so i'm above your scrawny-'seeing the light'-arse on the stairway to heaven :)
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-12-12 17:17:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this, even though it conflicts with some of my opinions.
For your next project read the Koran (qu'oran) or however the fuck you spell it, and try to find the bits where it says killing "infidels" is Allah's will.
I tried and failed.
Like the bible, it is all a matter of interpretation.
Liked what you did here though.
-Dave
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-12-12 17:10:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
***A man or a woman who acts as a medium or fortuneteller shall be put to death by stoning; they have no one but themselves to blame for their death. (Leviticus 20:27)***
I went down to the local palm reader's hut and stoned that bitch dead.
sounds like a waste of good pot to me
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-12-12 17:09:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by Shiznat (user info) at 2004-12-12 17:04:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Much better than that shit that Lojope took on Uber's chest.