I am currently semi-beheaded (808 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.75 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by my toe hurts (View user info) at 2004-12-12 23:09:26 EST
To what point and purpose am I writing this article? I don't know, shutup.
And with this worthy introduction I begin my tale.
Yesterday I was riding my bike. This might not seem odd in itself, but that's because it's not. I was riding on a footpath downhill, not for any personal safety concern, but because it's faster on concrete. This, perhaps, was my downfall, because I stacked. In fact, I stacked into a "change lane" sign. Basically, it was my neck versus the sign, and the sign came out on top.
The thing about necks is that they bleed. They bleed a lot. For those of you who have ever seen the worthy movie (or perhaps not so worthy, but it featured some guy getting eaten by his own acne, or something, which brings it up a few notches in my book) "The Exorcist: The Beginning", you'll have a fairly accurate account of what happens when one's throat gets cut. Well, mebbe i'm dramatising a bit, but you get the idea.
Anyway, I staggered around for a bit, doorknocking. The first guy didn't open up, so I just bled all over his gate, all up his path, and left suggestive handprints in my own blood all over his door, which taught him a lesson when he opened up ten minutes later. Poor guy looked kinda worried...
The second house was more friendly, and some random kindly souls drove me to hospital while I held my neck in with a towel. Owing to the current state of the health system (fucking Liberals)I had to wait for nearly two hours to get looked at. The waiting room contained some little kid with a bee sting, some poor elderly gentleman quietly dying in the corner, and a young woman waiting for her boyfriend (with broken wrist). Owing to the shock, I had not thus far paid any particular attention to the fact I was covered in blood, so I wandered off to the toilet to clean myself up. It was then I looked in the mirror and saw that the cut was over three inches wide and about an inch deep, and a flap of meat and little tubes and fat and so forth was hanging out. I walked out of the toilet quite cheerfully, and proclaimed "well, my chin was too big anyway" before sitting down to suck some ice. It's possible that the ice had been provided for my neck, but I was thirsty and decided I needed to prioritise.
Eventually I got it looked at. Fourteen stitches on the outside and five on the inside. The doctor doing it was tired, with bloodshot eyes, and kept making jokes with the nurse about how there were no needles in this hospital, only rusty pens...
After all this was done, still happily aneasthetised, I wandered off to rent some videos. The sight of some random kid wandering around looking at videos covered head to toe in blood (I was sposed to clean myself up in hospital, but screw that, I was too busy playing with the pulse monitor thingie) freaked some people out, which is of course a good thing. Didn't freak them out enough to give me a discount though.
Am now at home growing back blood. The cut is not far under the line of my chin. A couple of inches to the left or right and it would have taken out an artery, an inch down it would have taken out my windpipe, and an inch up it would have scarred my beautiful, beautiful face... or something. So what thoughts go through the head of someone who's just missed death by inches?
Fuck me, my head hurts, I want videos, and I'm gonna miss out on the after-formal party tonight. No reflections upon mortality, no life-changing revelations, just damn annoyance at a good week ruined. And I don't know who the fuckers are who manufacture road signs, but good old Australian workmanship ensures they stay nice and sharp. Shit, I'm raving.
There may have been some type of end-note, a moral, a singularly witty and incisive comment upon the fucking Liberal party, but no, it's not to be, because I am off to make some scrambled eggs, so I can eat them with a teaspooon, and drink some more children's painkiller syrup, not because it does anything but because it tastes like wild berries. Hmmm. Wild berries.
Damn, children these days are pussies. Back in my day (nearly seventeen years ago) our medicines tasted like the wrong end of a fucking road-killed raccoon, and probably were. Fuck you all.
User Reviews
Submitted by only_slightly_bitter (user info) at 2004-12-14 05:39:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm pretty sure I didn't mention anything about agonising pain, since I was in shock, remember?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-13 15:15:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not bad.
I would suggest using spacing/paragraphs.
People here don't like to read one big blob of words.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2004-12-13 14:29:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"Given the current state of the health system"
Maybe if dumbasses like you quit running into sign like fucking idiots, it would be better. Yeah, and this is a fucking fake story. If you were bleeding profusely and in some kind of unbearable pain, you would've went to the front of the line. You can walk around and talk, so wait in line like a man, you pussy. Bullshit story. Idiots like you complain about the health system and have no idea how it works.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-12-13 13:16:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny.
No, seriously.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-12-13 07:25:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If that is the case FTA, I still don't understand the finer points of the Austrailian health care system, or how the damn right-wing liberals (that felt odd) screwed it up. Enlighten me.
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2004-12-13 05:44:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Should make it clear that in Australia, the Liberal party is right-wing.
The "lefties", the ALP, are getting more and more ineffective, and have lost the last 4 federal elections.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-12-13 01:55:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
excellent title, post not bad.
don't worry though, my ratings don't count as i am the Uber Bad Boy.
or at least i used to be.
Submitted by only_slightly_bitter (user info) at 2004-12-13 00:07:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I tried, oh how I tried. Btw, apologies for all the swearing, the aneasthetic has worn off. And I never got any videos, anyway, they wouldn't let me rent any without a membership card, or something.
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2004-12-12 23:53:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked it.
Would've given you higher if there was a picture of you renting a video covered in blood.
Submitted by David.Federman (user info) at 2004-12-12 23:38:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-12-12 23:37:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty good first post.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-12-12 23:30:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
... BWAAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-12-12 23:30:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
... BWAAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-12-12 23:30:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
... BWAAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-12-12 23:30:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The doctor doing it was tired, with bloodshot eyes, and kept making jokes with the nurse about how there were no needles in this hospital, only rusty pens... "
BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! + Fuckin' 8!
Submitted by only_slightly_bitter (user info) at 2004-12-12 23:29:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Forgot to mention, the doctor kept dropping the forceps on me. Fucking Libs.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-12 23:16:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-12 23:16:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Didn't read it.
Submitted by MoneyG (user info) at 2004-12-12 23:16:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow, they actually made you wait behind a kid with a bee sting? Was he allergic maybe? If not, you definatly should have kicked his ass, his mother's ass, the nurses's ass, and the doctor's ass, for being so damned stupid.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-12 23:13:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Spacing.
Otherwise, I didn't puke reading this...
Just dry-heaved a bit.