I'm right, so read it all. (548 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: -0.71 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mike <mike.elias17.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-12-14 14:29:33 EST
Things that Fucking Suck
by Mike
I'm cutting the shit and starting where I want to start, and where anybody should start: Shit that pisses Mike Elias off. That's it, I'm going OUTLINE on yo ass.
I. Stylistic conformity-known to those of average intelligence as "fads."
1. For girls, it's the v-neck tops over white shirts that push up their racks...
a. ...as if theyre difficult to notice. Girls, learn this: WE'RE MALE, WE SEE 'EM. Jesus Christ--you're like 4 year olds pushing a pretty picture in front of daddy's face four inches away. Then you complain guys never look you in the eye. Anyone else see the unfairness here? Girls, If we walked around with our schlongs hanging out would you look US in the eye? If you answered 'yes,' youre thinking of the wrong eye (<--10 points to the sickshits who get that one).
I approve of tight jeans.
2. For guys, it's the polo shirts (bonus points if it's a shirt that could be deemed a "gay" color) with the collars flipped all the way up like Elvis. If there's anyone around here who should have his collar up, it's me. That's not the point. Who cares?
II. Corporate Ass-Rapists-Music. Clothes. Food. Movies. TV shows. Hell, TV CHANNELS. Cars. Video games. Sports. Slogans. All of the above have been, at some point, loaded into a bullshit-a-pult and launched at your innocent face.
1. Music-I dont know anything about the new bands (aka yellowcard, whatever) so I won't talk about them. I already hear you all saying, "but I LIKE Christina Aguilera. but I LIKE N'Sync. but I LIKE Eminem. but I LIKE ___insert bubblegum artist here___." Bubblegum. You pop it in your mouth and chew it--soften it up a bit--then mmmm....MINUTES of wonderful flavor and fun. Then toss it away and get a new piece to last another few minutes. If you don't see the glowering analogy I'm making here, you should. All of the above mentioned artists' first hits lasted a while...then they were forgotten and the next one arose. Anybody here remember The Beatles? I bet there are plenty of Beatles fans out there in my audience...hi!! Guess what? The Beatles have been around for what...40 years now? And they still kick ass. Ask yourself this: Do you want to be a parent in your 40s and 50s with a spouse, couple offspring, and a nice home, remembering how you used to listen to POOF MOMMA? A C note says they dont even PLAY that shit in ten years. It's for our generation, aimed to make as much money as possible, then die out. Nobody cares about VALUABLE music that will live forever, they just want your god damn money.
2. Toys-My good friend Smurfs summed this up pretty damn well: "'And the girls nowadays dressing like two dollar Vietnamese whores... I'm sure Barbie's outfits that you can barely fit her gigantic tits into had nothing to do with that. And this stupid ass 'Lil Brat toy phenom? Oh yes, let us encourage inner-city youths to perpetuate their uncouth, crass, disfranchised, unintelligent, slacker image. Heaven forbid we gave them a positive role model rather that a doll whose pants are around her ankles and while her twelve year old nipples are poking through her tight polyester shirt. Yeah, I'm sure that kid isn't going to end up sucking dick for crack on the set of some rappers video."
3. Clothes-Abercrombie. Hollister. Hilfiger. American Eagle. Billabong. Sean John. All of the above have pissed me off at one time or another....no wait--all at the same time. I'mma tell you what these corporations never tell you, but give you every day:
Are you familiar with the term ANAL RAPE?
Here's the deal: A cool person is seen by his friends wearing Hollister. Friends #1-#500 say, "Ooh, he's so cool. I bet he gets alotta bitches! I want to be cool too. Therefore, if he's wearing Hollister, I'll wear Hollister too." This, my loyal readers, is how easily America is swept with an appetite for a tasteless food. But you already knew that. Now that you're all wearing these shirts (which are just shirts, by the way) you are a walking advertisement. Now for the ones that REALLY piss me off: the "shop" clothes. "Abercrombie Surf Shop." You know the type. Regular t-shirts, sold for the embarassing price of twenty to sixty dollars. Ready for the funny part? Ok, here it comes: Have you ever been to the Abercrombie Surf Shop? Have your friends been there? Do you know where it is?
Hokay. So. Fuck the outline for a minute--I gotta ask you something: Do you dress the way you do to express yourself, aka your 'individuality'?
If even one person who doesnt kick ass* answers yes, youre in trouble.
Enough of that.
4. Food-maddox.xmission.com -->xtreme marketing bullshit. case closed.
5. Movies- I'm skipping this for now, cause I feel like it. I'll just give you a hint and say that it follows the "music" bullshit theme. I also acknowledge that Hollywood still turns out some pretty good shit now and then, and I dont discredit kickass movies in any way.
6. TV Shows-Reality TV. Survivor was cool....the first time. American Idol was cool....the first time. Fear Factor was cool...well, no it wasnt. Water task + putting gross shit in your mouth + height task = 50 grand. weee! Anyway, cmon folks, meet me halfway here. If you don't see why "Temptation Island" is bad for society (not to mention, uh, SUCKS--especially cause I'm not on it), I ain't gonna explain it...and you've surely got bigger issues to handle first.
7. Cars-Ford started it--everyone else caught on. The Ford Expedition was the first of its era. Ford manufacturers decided to plop their biggest pickup truck shell (converted to SUV form) onto a Ford Explorer frame. Then they decided to charge over $30,000 for this shiny, new, fatass scrap heap. The Expedition is truly the Cartman of cars. Anyway, imagine the shock Ford got when this became their most popular brand....uh....ever. Laughing all the way to the bank, they devised an even larger monstrocity, The Ford Excursion. As all of you know, the Ford Excursion is definitely the biggest, toughest, most badass, don't-fuck-with-me-or-I'll-flatten-you-with-my-oversized-grill SUV on the planet. For this reason, it is now America's #1 cure for PENIS ENVY. Yeah, you heard me right. Penis envy. Every time you see a guy in a huge car, laugh and point, cause you're hung better than he is, even if you're a chick. American corporations are now feeding off the penis envy tit, sucking it dryer than ever. Escalade, Mountaineer, Ram, Durango...and my new favorite, the Dodge Magnum. Hey, what's a better way to capitalize on penis envy than to name your car after the CONDOM that guys with BIG PENISES use? Genius.
8. (Sports) Video games-A few days ago, I saw something very disturbing. My 10 year old brother was playing a video game called MLB Slugfest, and I noticed that he could punch and beat up other ballplayers. This is baseball!! Baseball!! One of the last sports we have that isn't built around "If I can beat you up, I have a bigger dick than you." MORE PENIS ENVY! YAY! Football: Nothing but action, cause we Americans can't stand suspense. Big guys crashing into each other as hard as they can. The objective is to knock the other guy out. Fucking pussies. Here's news for you, Slugfest: BASEBALL isnt FOOTBALL. What happened to America's Favorite Pastime? I'll tell you what happened: Corporations capitalizing on PENIS ENVY.
Ok children, what have we learned today?
-They just want your money....do you REALLY want what they're giving you?
-The quickest way to a man's heart is by telling him he's hung like a salem witch.
User Reviews
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2004-12-15 07:18:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"The Beatles have been around for what...40 years now?"
~*~*~*~*~*~
um... dude, in case you hadn't noticed half of them are dead.
Unless you meant their music is still around.
But then, so is Beethovens - so I guess you'd say he's been around for YEARS so he must be good too.
Incidently I love the Beatles & Beethoven but had to point out that you write rather badly.
And please don't say on "yo ass" again.
Its horrible.
Submitted by FreshPrince (user info) at 2004-12-14 19:41:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
dude...
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-12-14 19:33:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Things that Fucking Suck
by Ashlee
1. This post.
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2004-12-14 19:26:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i agree with everything,
but you forgot the fat chicks who wear tight clothes....
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-12-14 19:03:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
you sound like an asshole in this.
you need to proof read.
your other shit was less shitty
Submitted by SantaClaus (user info) at 2004-12-14 15:46:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HO HO HO! I won't be stopping at your home out of fear of your postal attack on my reindeer.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2004-12-14 15:23:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
meh
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-12-14 15:20:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Original.
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2004-12-14 15:19:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Unless I've overlooked it, you also forgot to mention people wearing shitty cologne just because it's trendy. They think if it costs over 20 bucks, it's sophisticated. For some reason most cologne these days smells like rotting watermelon. Which is not helped by the fact that people like to bathe in it.
If you want a classy cologne for yourself or as a gift, Caswell Massey has been around since the 1700's. They don't make anything that stinks. Anything.
F.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-14 14:39:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
There's a lot of angry, whiny people on Uber today. I hereby christen this day Whiny Bitch Tuesday.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-12-14 14:38:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I must envy your penis, because I thought this sucked dick.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-12-14 14:38:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
blah blah blah bleg, blablah.
auto -2 for a list of shit you don't like, just like everyone else on Über.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-14 14:37:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm suprised. this was actually good. usually rants like this get an auto -2.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-12-14 14:30:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
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