Making Fluid Dynamics Useful: Cumshot 101 for Hidden101 (NSFW) (13318 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.9 on 63 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by _Q_ (View user info) at 2004-12-14 15:57:13 EST
Hello class, and welcome to Professor Q's tutorial on improving your sexual techniques.
Today's lesson will cover the art of the cumshot, or as I lovingly refer to it as, "Moses letting down his guard". The subject material is being presented on behalf of one of my most diligent students, Hidden101. His question, as submitted, is found below:
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Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-14 14:14:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
sometimes my semen flows out instead of shoots out. and even if it does shoot out, the distant is small. are there any ways i could do to improve my ejaculation force? i want my sperms to be shot out in great force and long distant. can you help me. i really want that to happen...thanks.
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Thank you for the excellet question, Hidden! This is a subject that I have researched extensively and, thankfully, can offer much insight into. I am sure that our fellow readers will be thanking you as well for bringing up this oft taboo subject. You see, it is a sad fact that many men share the same desire as you, but do not have the courage to ask. You are a brave soul indeed, and if you follow this lesson closely, you'll be going from a pathetic porridge pour to a Peter North-esque Performance in no time.
First, a little background. The cumshot is a manouver that is used for one thing and one thing alone: a spectacularly simple, yet magnificant display of the male spirit. A well timed cumshot remains as being one of the classiest acts a man can perform in ANY situation. It can impress a variety of audiences from a stadium full of people, to the sorority girls performing a fellate-a-thon as a fundrasier for the local charity, to the few old souls down at the senior's home at story time, or when meeting an important political dignitary such as the Queen or God.
"Need to add a little salt to the missus' clam chowder? Just a spoonful of cumshot helps the medicine go down." - Miss Manners, 1956. See, even high society agrees with me.
On top of being a social display of chivalry and polite behaviour, the Cumshot can also be very practical as well. You can get the cookies off the high shelf without straining to reach, paint the ceiling, or safely train the cat to not scratch the furniture. I even had a friend who was awarded a medal of honour by thwarting a bank robbery attempt by hurling a load into the unsuspecting eye of the would-be felon. What say you to that!?
The cumshot has become more popular in recent years as the media as grown more liberal in it's portrayl of bedroom acts in pornography, coupled with a greater public access to this material via the internet. Many men find themselves in awe and jealousy of the male actors who can unload a quart worth of man juice on a bevvy of heavily drugged women from exceedingly impressive distances. (NSFW LINK! http://www.brunogirls.com/DAIS/DAIS3.mpg NSFW LINK!) And as the old saying goes "monkey see, monkey splooge", for upon witnessing this act for the first time, every man wishes he could match or out-do this impressive display of manhood.
Lucky for you I have a tried and true system that will:
1) Increase the force behind EVERY cumshot
2) MAXIMIZE the payload
3) SIGNIFICANTLY Improve the taste of your nectar (like you really care, but it does lead to more nookie of the oral variety)
4) RAISE your confidence and self-esteem!
Follow these easy steps and you WILL NOT fail to be seen as the man you always knew you could be.
STEP 1 - Conditioning
---------------------
In order for any athlete to be able to put forth their best, they have to TRAIN. The following exercises will prepare you for the big leagues.
1.1 - Mechanics of the cumshot
The cumshot can be thought of as a simple open loop fluid delivery system where your balls are the reservoir, the prostate is the pump, and the erection is the pipe. An analysis using basic principles of fluid mechanics shows that in order to give a greater velocity at the pipe exit, you must somehow increase the potential energy (or 'fluid head') of the fluid within the system. The easiest way to do this is to get a bigger pump, therefore you must FOCUS on the prostate.
I refuse to acknowledge the irony of the use of the term 'fluid head' in this analysis, nor will I tolerate any snickering in my class!
1.2 - The joys of the prostate
Have you ever been taking a really satisfying piss only to have to stop the flow for some ungodly reason? Well the happy little camper that acts as the shutoff valve is known as the prostate gland. My mother taught me as a young child to exercise this muscle regularly to prevent prostate cancer through stopping and starting my pee a few times everytime I went to the bathroom. Not only will I NEVER die of prostate cancer because of this, I also have a freakishly large and powerful prostate that delivers loads that register on the richter scale. THANKS MUM!
It is a known FACT that 93% of men find the act of stopping the flow of urine during the act of urination to be uncomfortable at best, unbearable at the extreme. But guess what buddy? This is the fastest way to begin to be the master of your prostate!
For the first week of training, employ the stop 'n' go piss technique. You're erady to move on when you can drink a pot of coffee at 8 am, hold it in until AFTER lunch, stop mid-piss and finish it off after dinner without discomfort.
1.3 - KIEGEL! Is NOT a Jerry Lewis Exclamation
A kiegel exercise is one that is used mostly by women to tighten their saggy vag. Fortunately for men, our vages never get saggy. BUT kiegels can still be used by men!
If you have mastered the previous step, this should be no problem. Since you have grown accustom to squeezing your prostate to stop piss, you should be able to consciously control the muscle even during Non-piss situations. A kiegel exercise for a man is the simple contraction, hold, release (and repeat) of the prostate muscle.
The beauty is that you can do this ANYWHERE, ANYTIME. Bored in the meeting? Kiegel. Daydreaming on the bus? Kiegel. Surfing on Uber? Kiegel.
Work your way up to being able to hold a kiegel for 30 seconds or more at a time. This will provide you with a dynamite liftoff! You might as well get TNT tattooed on the side of your wang.
1.4 - You only really need to be able to do one
If you've ever heard of the band Tenacious D, you are familiar with the technique of the cock push-up. It is the zen-like feat of being able to lift and bear your weight, push-up style using only the power of your boner.
This is an extremely dangerous and advanced technique and should only be attempted by those who have been x-rayed by a licensed tecnhician or doctor, and have been verified as having the prostate the size of a grapefruit or larger. Otherwise, you will snap your pen15 in two.
1.5 - WARNING
Exercising your prostate is important in the quest of the holy grail of cumshots. However, it can be a dangerous thing if not used properly. It is a well known fact that a man with a strong enough prostate can actually have an orgasm without shooting his load simply by squeezing the muscle as hard as he can for the entire duration of the orgasm.
Yes, this leads to multiple orgasms, but it also means that the beauty of a cumshot that was waiting has been put back on the shelf. Doing this too many times may result in the need to have your cumshot surgically removed by a team of expert nurses. This is an expensive procedure, as the only known team of such nurses are triplets and live in Sweden.. and they charge a pretty kroner for the service.
It is best to build up the strength of the prostate, but keep it relaxed as your release the light of god from your crotch. This will allow the prostate to work it's natural magic as a biological pump (rivalling the power of the heart at peak operation), and will deliver the most impressive sumshot possible.
Now thats how I spell RELIEF!
1.6 - You catch more flies with honey
Improving the taste of ejac is easy. Steer clear from artifical sugars and red meat. They make your sperm chunky and bitter. DO eat lots of leafy greens and fruits. The body breaks down the carbohydrates and fructose sugars and puts them right in the ol' flesh balloon for all to enjoy.
Makes a perfect midnight snack, serves seven. Shake before serving, best served warm, refrigerate after opening.
STEP 2 - THE MOVES
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2.1 - Knowing the orgasm
To improve your cumshot you must know your orgasm intimately. You need to know what it feels like building up, and you need to be aware of what gets you there. The first step to improving your cumshot is orgasm control.
Next time you are practicing for the game, build up to the point of orgasm and rest for a minute. Note the amount of time it took for you to build up to that point in the first place. Repeat until the time between rest and peak has reached 5% of the original build up time. This is kind of like watching contractions of a woman in labour.
Applying this technique actually increases the pressure in your system by allowing more fluid to be built up for release as well as a gradual increase in tension in the muscles of the area. This combines to make an optimum scenario for a big time performance.
2.2 - Optimal pecker position
When the time to orgasm is nearing, ensure your penis is in the most vertical position possible. This allows for a slightly greater pressure difference for your prostate to overcome (depending on your cock length and semen density), thus slightly energizing the fluid even more. Upon release, put your penis in a horizontal position to take advantage of the extra energy developed!
2.3 - Pinching the Pipe
For a given mass flow rate, decreasing the diameter of the flow area will increase the velocity of the fluid in the pipe. Therefore, when releasing, grip your penis just below the head ever so slightly to add an extra punch to your little soldiers. This move is akin to putting your thumb over the exit throat of the garden hose to shoot the water farther.
2.4 - Abstinence makes the balls grow larger
Employ this schedule when you are aware of an event that will call for a large cumshot. Takes up to two weeks to prepare.
Regularly engange in sexual activity for a week to the point where your loads are embarassingly low.. almost blanks. Ensure the frequency of the activity is high, but not to the point of causing wear on your equipment.
Next, ABSTAIN from sexual activity of all kinds for 3 - 5 days before the event. Your sperm factories will still be working overtime to make up for the large deficeit you've developed in the reserves the previous week, and will not reach an equilibrium rate until some time after. This will cause your reserves to be SUPER CHARGED and ready for action.
STEP 3 - ENJOY
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Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is more majestic than watching the look of awe and admiration on the faces of the people adoring your new found powers. Little did they know that it was so easy.
It's okay... go ahead and enjoy it.
Your secret is safe with me.
That is all for today class. Now go enjoy your homework!
~Q~
User Reviews
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-04-02 22:35:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by treecat (user info) at 2007-10-24 10:35:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She did not know the why, just the fun. Now we shared the how. Thanks her girl friends are intrigued. I'm sure their hubbies or significant others are in for a treat.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-12-17 16:05:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ejacu-riffic!
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-12-17 15:49:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Memory Lane people.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-10-21 00:34:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JMS (user info) at 2005-10-21 00:23:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-08-20 23:42:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is still awesome.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-04-27 11:42:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, this is some funny shit
Submitted by daveybwoy (user info) at 2005-02-07 09:15:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by magnus (user info) at 2004-12-18 13:48:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking Genius! Thanks, I'll get right on my new regimen.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/54662
Submitted by GlitchCowman (user info) at 2004-12-18 11:45:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...I always wanted to know.
Submitted by wasabi (user info) at 2004-12-17 03:17:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by moneyshot (user info) at 2004-12-15 22:40:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Meh.... I knew this already.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-15 22:09:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have two prostates.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-12-15 21:59:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm your biggest fan.
Submitted by MeatJerky (user info) at 2004-12-15 14:26:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulatoins, you just passed WillZone for Greatest Post Ever.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-12-15 12:05:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-15 02:16:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahahahahahaha
it's a coincidence, trust me.
great, i knew someone was going to google this and think it was me.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-12-15 02:00:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually think I'd come across that page before because it sounded really familiar to me...
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-12-15 01:59:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Weak Ejaculation (23 Male)
Dear Sandy,
my ejaculation seems weak...i mean, sometimes my semen flows out instead of shoots out. and even if it does shoot out, the distant is small. are there any ways i could do to improve my ejaculation force? i want my sperms to be shot out in great force and long distant. can you help me. i really want that to happen...thanks.
Dear Weak Ejaculation,
Typically the force of your ejaculation is dependent upon the amount of arousal and the frequency of ejaculation. If you masturbate all the time, you are not allowing the build up of semen in the body, so all you will get is a "flowing." Is there some kind of contest I am unaware of that one enters to "shoot" the farthest?
Sandy
__________________________
23 years old, eh?
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-15 01:59:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quasiplasmohedron- YOU RUINED IT! YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO GOOGLE IT!
that's some funny shit, huh? i was trying to find a random line to replace the "re 16 y/olds" line before it got worn out.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-15 01:57:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
how's your prostate holdin' up at your age, Mike? are you still able to "go the distance"?
ok, i admit it. that quote came from a webpage about prostate health. i was reading about prostate health and i'm only 23 years old. i'm just trying to protect my assets, that's all.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-12-15 01:55:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-14 16:25:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
don't ask where that question came from, but i saw it and couldn't stop laughing, so i decided to spam a couple posts with it.
i can usually go a good six feet with my semen blast. i've always been blessed.
______________________________________
http://sandy123.com/client11/apr21.htm
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-12-15 01:47:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-14 16:25:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
don't ask where that question came from, but i saw it and couldn't stop laughing, so i decided to spam a couple posts with it.
i can usually go a good six feet with my semen blast. i've always been blessed.
I've always said that "Six Foot Spooge" is a great name for a band.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-12-15 01:35:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
electro just went to whack one out.
Submitted by Sandman (user info) at 2004-12-15 01:27:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And the process begins. Thank you.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-12-14 23:48:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where the hell did you exactly find this information from?
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-12-14 23:47:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+154
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-12-14 23:01:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What the hell's with being so goddamn in depth?
I think you've just becume the world's expert on ejaculatory sciences.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-12-14 23:00:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit Q, I didn't read this until now because I was afraid to actually see your cock painting the wall.
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2004-12-14 22:48:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+3!
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2004-12-14 22:04:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad I have a job and was able to forget all of that engineering nonsense....
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-12-14 20:54:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i was hoping for more fluid dynamics, but it was still good. way to be an engineer.
i took many engineering classes in college, namely fluid dynamics and heat transfer.
too bad they didn't have a class combinging the two - fluid transfer.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-14 20:50:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh lawdy...
Has anyone <ejaculated> yet?
Cause if not...
Hold on...
C'mon...
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...
DAmnit.........................
<ej>
WHAT THE HELL?
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-14 20:39:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"All the better for being put together and posted around an hour and a half after Hidden's original reply."
i agree. i'm impressed. amazing.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-12-14 20:21:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by big_wigger (user info) at 2004-12-14 20:13:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm keigelling right now!
Submitted by big_wigger (user info) at 2004-12-14 20:13:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm keigelling right now!
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2004-12-14 19:30:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliance, in a big bundle of awesome, wrapped up in greatness.
You sir, are a Legend.
All the better for being put together and posted around an hour and a half after Hidden's original reply.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-14 18:24:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What will the next lesson be? I eagerly await new information.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-14 17:55:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"i want my sperms to be shot out in great force and long distant. can you help me."
ahahahaha
i'm still laughing at that.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-12-14 17:46:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
kickass
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-12-14 17:45:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
extensive
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-12-14 17:34:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best class I've ever taken!
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2004-12-14 17:23:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/39616
Cumshots = Adidas
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-12-14 17:03:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
didn't RTFP, but i've spent the last 4 years doing fluid dynamics. wheeeeeeeeeee
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-14 16:57:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
touche.
Submitted by rhi (user info) at 2004-12-14 16:51:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for actually knowing all of this stuff
+1 for this line alone:
I refuse to acknowledge the irony of the use of the term 'fluid head' in this analysis, nor will I tolerate any snickering in my class!
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2004-12-14 16:40:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ok, the video with the girl almost blinded by the...ejac. that's priceless.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-12-14 16:33:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The most useful thing I've ever learned...
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2004-12-14 16:25:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-12-14 16:13:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
good refresher course...
im working out... AT MY DESK! THANKS Q!
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-14 16:25:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
don't ask where that question came from, but i saw it and couldn't stop laughing, so i decided to spam a couple posts with it.
i can usually go a good six feet with my semen blast. i've always been blessed.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-12-14 16:19:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-12-14 16:14:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm extremely disappointed you didn't mention momentum transfer. Rather than do all that work, all that really need be done is narrow your dickhole to the size of a pinhole. A halving of area will result in a doubling of momentum and a velocity increase equal to 1/density of hidden's cum. I'm certain Hidden will be able to reach his mouth now.
-----
Thank you for your interest student! It is clear that you have an advanced knowledge in the area of fluid dynamics. However, a brief discussion on this subject was mentioned in section 2.3 "pinching the pipe". I decided to forego the technical aspects of why it works and just give the public the goods.
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2004-12-14 16:19:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Never before reading this did I realize the importance of a lengthy money shot to men. Surely your post will open many eyes that have henceforth been glued shut.
Seriously, it was gross but interesting.
F.
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2004-12-14 16:14:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-12-14 16:14:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm extremely disappointed you didn't mention momentum transfer. Rather than do all that work, all that really need be done is narrow your dickhole to the size of a pinhole. A halving of area will result in a doubling of momentum and a velocity increase equal to 1/density of hidden's cum. I'm certain Hidden will be able to reach his mouth now.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-12-14 16:13:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good refresher course...
im working out... AT MY DESK! THANKS Q!
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-12-14 16:09:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great tutorial, mostly stuff I knew already but a few new tricks here and there. I rely mostly on the drought technique followed by a nice flow restrictor on the money-shot when I'm blowing in a chick's face.
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2004-12-14 16:08:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to rate this again because I just finished re-reading it.
This is a must-read for every man.
I'm seriously going to print this out and give it people when I start dating. Required reading, very well done.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-12-14 16:07:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
woah.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-12-14 16:07:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
in a word: brilliant.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-12-14 16:04:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent advice.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-12-14 16:02:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmm... you'll just have to demonstrate for me next time you're in town. Better yet, bring some prostitutes so that I may practice.
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2004-12-14 15:59:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, yes, I will be trying this:
-------------
1.2 - The joys of the prostate
Have you ever been taking a really satisfying piss only to have to stop the flow for some ungodly reason? Well the happy little camper that acts as the shutoff valve is known as the prostate gland. My mother taught me as a young child to exercise this muscle regularly to prevent prostate cancer through stopping and starting my pee a few times everytime I went to the bathroom. Not only will I NEVER die of prostate cancer because of this, I also have a freakishly large and powerful prostate that delivers loads that register on the richter scale. THANKS MUM!
It is a known FACT that 93% of men find the act of stopping the flow of urine during the act of urination to be uncomfortable at best, unbearable at the extreme. But guess what buddy? This is the fastest way to begin to be the master of your prostate!
For the first week of training, employ the stop 'n' go piss technique. You're erady to move on when you can drink a pot of coffee at 8 am, hold it in until AFTER lunch, stop mid-piss and finish it off after dinner without discomfort.