The Christian Coalition Visits a Gay Bar (915 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.52 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <murphydog5.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-12-14 18:34:30 EST
"My name's Tyler," I said, "and I'm from the Christian Coalition, mmkay?" I was talking to a lesbian and a gay man at Embers, a dumpy gay bar in downtown Portland. I was also drinking a Hefewiesan. I looked down at my beer and said, "oh this... this is just so I can, you know, blend in with you people."
"You people?" the lesbian asked, her eyebrow beautifully crooked upwards. "What do you mean?"
"Well, okay, listen," I was patient and truly concerned last night. This really happened. When I said the word 'gay' in the next sentence I sort of whispered it and looked around like it was a naughty word. I said, "you know what I mean, I mean you GAY people. But it doesn't matter in God's eyes. He loves you."
"You're fucking crazy or lying," said the gay man. I have a habit of fucking with people after too many drinks. I had to play it off like I was crazy to keep it going. I'm pretty good at fucking with people. I drank more beer to "blend in" haha. This was going to get good!
The gay man looked at the lesbian with this like 'what the fuck' kind of look. He said to me, "I think you're fucking crazy!" And then he left. The lesbian stuck around. Hehe. She said:
"Wait, I want to hear this. So you're from the Christian Coalition, huh? What's up?" She put her hands up like bring it on but still pretty subtle. I caught a fish. I said:
"Before you get angry, I want to let you know that I respect you as a human being. It's the decision that you've made that brings me here to do, well, God's work."
"What decision?" At this point her partner joined her at the table. Noticing that she was visibly upset she asked oh honey what's wrong. The one I was talking to said, "oh nothing, he's from the Christian Coalition." Her partner said oh, what's up, looking at me. I said:
"I don't want any trouble tonight," I folded my hands looking all holy and everything, "but God sent me here to talk to you people."
"What people," the other one asked. I sighed and drank. I said:
"Well, the gay ones." They listened. "You."
"And..." the first lesbian asked.
"Well, I'm not exactly trying to CONVERT you or anything. I'm just doing God's work. I think you've made a certain, well, decision, and uh... it's just wrong in the eyes of the Lord that's all." The girlfriend said:
"Get the fuck out of here! Do you know where you are!?" I calmly said yes. I said:
"Well, please calm down."
"The CHRISTIAN COALITION!?"
"Yes."
"Get out!"
Now the first one said, "hang on honey, I want to hear what he has to say." She gave that defiant like challenge me sort of look. I drank more and laughed inside. I said:
"Okay now first of all I want both of you to know that I'm not here for a fight. I just want to share The Word and you can take it however you want." I was totally there for a fight. They said nothing as I looked from one to the other. The first one had this like okay, okay kind of look... all ready to listen and fight back. The second cunt wasn't having any of this but she said nothing, apparently waiting for number one to intellectually crush me. No chance! "Now I don't know if either of you have accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, but... well," I chuckled a little bit, "I'm guessing not at this point, so—" number one interrupted. She was high on booze and extra dramatic and fighty. She said:
"Wait a minute, I'm a CHRISTIAN!" I took another drink and said:
"Oh you're a Christian? Well, have you read the..."
"Yes."
"Specifically Leviticus? I know it says man and you're a woman but I think the message is..."
"YES! I've read the fucking bible!"
"The, uh..."
"FUCKING BIBLE. It doesn't say anything about cussing except in the Lord's name or whatever."
"Using the Lord's name in vein, yes yes."
"WHATEVER!"
The second chick piped up, "honey LET'S GO!"
"Okay now hold on," I said. They were both ready to stand up. "Before you leave I just want to say one last thing." They listened. "Pack extra strong suntan lotion."
They said it at the same time: "Huh?"
"Because it's pretty hot in hell." They left abruptly. Later in the evening I caught up with them and explained that I was just having fun; that I was just a bored homo with too much to drink. I even offered to buy them a round for putting up with me. They declined. They said that they didn't like these games. Well I do!
My night was complete, muhahahaha.
Murphy
User Reviews
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2005-02-24 16:02:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-12-16 00:21:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
way to go, monarch
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-12-15 09:00:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What Zoidburg said.
Oh, and there are statements against coarse language beyond simply using the Lord's name in vain. And that sucks, for me anyway.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2004-12-15 04:42:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Biggeda biggeda biggeda BORING
if your are going to gay bash at least be funny.
this, no good
Banga
Submitted by PoloboiGC (user info) at 2004-12-15 04:41:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I looked down at my beer and said, "oh this... this is just so I can, you know, blend in with you people."
"You people?" the lesbian asked, her eyebrow beautifully crooked upwards. "What do you mean?"
Fucking hilarous.. That was the funniest shit ever.. +2 around the bar!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-12-15 04:05:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-14 22:58:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Also I've been meaning to incorporate that little whisper people use when talking about minorities into a post for some time. I'll never beat the way you presented it.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-14 22:56:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Oh, good god.
(No pun intended)
Fucking with people is an art, and you sir are as abstract as it gets.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-12-14 21:54:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why did you tell them?
You should have chased them with a bat in the parking lot. Never ever ever end a good joke.
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2004-12-14 21:16:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious. Have you ever seen "but, I'm a Cheerleader"? I don't know why, but this reminds me of that movie. SO ridiculous, it's funny. However, eh....many do not share my humor.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-12-14 20:56:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have picked a guy up in front of them.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-14 20:32:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Funny, but a bit hard for me to read...
So no plus, but no negative, either.
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2004-12-14 20:11:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
i hate to be the first to minus this, but it's not funny.
and: "Using the Lord's name in vein." learn to spell, when you write the wrong word, it totally takes all the flow out of the story
Submitted by dilligaff82 (user info) at 2004-12-14 19:57:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
good story, weak ending.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-12-14 19:52:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you "people"
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-12-14 19:38:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Most bored homos I know would have casual butt sex, eat some potato salad and then have a nap.
YOU sir, are a bored GENIUS.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-12-14 19:23:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
love the humor.
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2004-12-14 19:19:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But how could a gay bar be "dumpy"?
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2004-12-14 19:13:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Worthy. you might be lucky physical violence didnt occur. ive seen what pissed lesbians are capable of.
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2004-12-14 18:50:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Tim.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-12-14 18:49:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for being a funny asshole. that's funny shit.
veins carry deoxygenized blood back to your heart
vain is what you were taking the lords name in.
just so you know.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-12-14 18:44:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
..what hidden said
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-14 18:42:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-12-14 18:37:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you silly, silly bored homo.