The WiFi Territorial Dispute Three (1016 hits)
Category: Computers & InternetRating: 1.93 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by screamfeeder (View user info) at 2004-12-14 21:28:22 EST
Part 1 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/43893
Part II - http://www.ubersite.com/m/44382
****************************************
Dear Sticky Shirt,
By now you have realized that what transpired tonight was no accidental meeting. I know you and I am doubly sure that you know me. If not then perhaps I have overestimated you. Wouldn't be the first time would it? Tell "Smarmy" hello for me.
Without Equivocation,
Radio
****************************************
This message played itself over and over in my head throughout the night. I tried sleeping, but to no avail. Someone somehow had set me up.
What could possibly be the reason?
Surely it was not simply to buffet my backside with the agglutinative remains of a previously tasty, gummy, sugarcoated item, could it?
No, that was too simple. Too juvenile. Whoever I was dealing with here was a pro. Someone well versed in the ways of prankery.
Had I wronged someone in the past to warrant something to this affect? Was I just the random stranger that True Crime books speak so matter-of-factly about?
Answers were what I needed, and answers quickly.
Wasting no time I checked the headers of the first 10, of the 544, email messages.
It was as I expected.
Return-Path: <radiodothspeak.at.yahoo.com>
Received: from psmtp.com (exprod5mx23*****.com [64.18.0.138])
by **********.com (8.12.11/8.12.10) with SMTP id iBEMXObt024706
for <**********>; 15:33:24 -0700
Received: from source ([206.190.39.101]) by exprod5mx23.*******.com ([64.18.4.10]) with SMTP;
14:33:23 PST
Received: (qmail 90620 invoked by uid 60001); 22:33:23 -0000
Comment: DomainKeys? See http://antispam.yahoo.com/domainkeys
DomainKey-Signature: a=rsa-sha1; q=dns; c=nofws;
s=s1024; d=yahoo.com;
b=oYKsTYSfQwBJ0xL1oeBWDcyug7Zls8aZMooj1tZRufX5X31xhS2+OKFcvQNofQtZr813WVdXfg1SFw/t+r46X6awsntpYez8f9CYHJYYhxqQli/0aOdQqHEYVk/SdLg8L5KXe6SGRY1dwQV4n2tbljeLjv3vHjgsuRwHulix49E= ;
Message-ID: <20041214223323.90618.qmail.at.web52306.mail.yahoo.com>
Received: from [65.19.4.238] by web52306.mail.yahoo.com via HTTP; 14:33:23 PST
Date: 14:33:23 -0800 (PST)
From: Radio <Radiodothspeak.at.yahoo.com>
Subject: Sticky Shirt
To: **************************
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: multipart/alternative; boundary="0-822953540-1103063603=:90426"
X-pstn-levels: (S:23.75723/99.90000 R:95.9108 P:95.9108 M:94.8624 C:98.9754 )
X-pstn-settings: 3 (1.0000:1.0000) s gt3 gt2 gt1 r p m c
X-pstn-addresses: from <Radiodothspeak.at.yahoo.com> [15/1]
Status: I am fucked.
A loose translation of the above states, "I am fucked", albeit a bit more eloquently.
He was smart enough to use a mass mail account like Yahoo (with their damnable sing-song advertisements), and also crafty enough to not do it from a location with a traceable IP (for I did and it pointed to some location off in Uruguay or some such, obviously spoofed).
After checking the first 10, I then checked 10 more selected at random from the 534 left. All gave the same result.
I was not surprised and at this point I was simply checking for fun because Alpha Nerd status demands it.
Looking back in retrospect I should have called Lucky at this point and gone ahead with our previously discussed plan. I should have taken his advice to lay-low, stay under their radar. Go into hiding like some kind of South American cocaine kingpin that ran afoul of the CIA. That is what I should have done.
But alas, I am a Man of Action.
I grabbed my jacket, packed up Jezebel, made a sandwich and went out to my car.
As capable as Lucky was, I knew we were going to need some other help. There were a few people I could count on, people that would not throw me to the wolves, because their survival depends on my survival.
Driving around impetuously, I ran through a mental list of do-gooders to enlist.
Alex-Too loud of a voice
Tim-Too fat to run fast
Eric-Too high at this point to be of any use
Jasmine-Her breasts always make me lose focus
Bryan-Too busy playing Everquest to remember that Dark Elf women do NOT exist
I knew of three that could help. I was doing my best to keep them at the bottom of my list because their kind of help always comes at a price.
Plus they annoyed the fuck out of me.
After running down to the end I was left with three names. Three damned names that were my last hope, for the clock struck the Witching Hour and help was in short hand.
Spider, Truck and Dave (Dave must have drawn the nickname short straw) were visually similar to The Lone Gunmen from the hit TV series X-Files. I say visually because that is where the similarity ends. The Lone Gunmen were cool. These three were not.
These guys were three of the biggest Prima Donnas to ever grave this ball of dust we call Earth. These were the "bad" type of nerds. The kind that never let you get a word in edgewise because they are too busy telling you about how they have done it all and got the video on their new Canon XL2 Camera that has more features than you have hairs on your head.
Let me just state right out that I hate Prima Donnas.
These are the kids that claim they learned Kung-Fu from the last Grand Master and can kill you with their eyelash. Never mind that they will never show you any Kung-Fu or use it because, well they are full of shit.
They are the ones that have been to every country and fucked all their women. These are the slack jawed mouth breathing fucktards that claim they can do anything you can do, and do it better.
Just not right now because Star Trek: Enterprise just came on and they want to watch T'Pols tits bounce around so they can file that away for good fist pumping action later. Of course they just claim to watch it for how shitty it is and how if they were ever in charge over there at Paramount Pictures they would make that show better than The Simpsons squared.
Remembering all that just made me more pissed off, because they really were my last chance at this hour. But with enough Cheetos and Bit Torrent links, these bastards would be eating out of my hand, figuratively, not literally.
I called Spider, their unspoken leader, to let hit know I was coming. Five rings and I knew something was up. These guys never get calls, so when they actually do get a call they jump on the phone faster than a fat man jumps cake.
After leaving a message on their "Lost in Space" themed Voicemail I made my way to their abode, a 4 bedroom townhouse in the student ghetto across from the University.
Making the turn onto their street I was greeted with madness.
Pure unadulterated madness.
TO BE CONTINUED......
User Reviews
Submitted by ChronicMasturbator (user info) at 2005-09-25 21:42:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ilovepoopers (user info) at 2005-02-13 15:32:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-22 18:32:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here ya go.
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2004-12-22 18:25:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sick of seeing his name on my uber page..
Submitted by Chronicles_of_College_Guy (user info) at 2004-12-20 15:44:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As
they say in Texas. I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with
instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away.
I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.
You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little
worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad,
a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a
revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.
You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared
richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth
into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody,
abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and
then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.
I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same
species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformation. I barf at the very
thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid
you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus,
the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?
Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to
impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop
will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it
more rapidly.
You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive
its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to
fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink
shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea
of your own trite, foolish beliefs.
You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid,
nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus.
Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are
unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that
reality forgot.
And what meaning do you expect your delusional self-important
statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do
you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have
more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle,
waiting for the bite of the snake?
You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and
obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living
emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a
disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meat slapper.
On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are
deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You
are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source
of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.
You smarmy lager lout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock.
You grotty wanking oink artless base-court apple-john. You clouted
boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless
crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You
cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup
pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted
fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill.
You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are
degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I
despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away.
I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard
stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond
the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are
trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far
that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no
intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on
Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire
galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll.
Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some
primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure
essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond
the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is
an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me
again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant
questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of
the rest of this drivel. Duh.
The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped
away most of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say
anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful.
I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of
babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have
learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success.
True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take
for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we
sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these
things more difficult. If I had known that this was your case then I
would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right".
Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck
in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a
demand on you.
P.S.:
You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly,
deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent,
opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted,
racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged,
imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine,
conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic,
spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb,
evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative,
paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic,
diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive,
dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim,
unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive,
mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive,
socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2004-12-15 01:11:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Parts 4 and 5 are already done.
just waiting to let the smell simmer....
Im such a tease.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-12-15 00:28:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope you keep going and don't take a couple months off this time!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-15 00:15:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay for geekage!
Submitted by Thored (user info) at 2004-12-14 23:40:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment is Nessicary.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-12-14 21:48:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The lone gunmen rule.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-14 21:38:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK!
I used the scroll wheel...
Shoulda been a +2 rating...
FUCKFUCKFUCK
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-14 21:33:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
holy shit, it's Lord Manhammer!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-14 21:32:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
*giggle*
<ej>
GOD DAMNIT...
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2004-12-14 21:32:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sparky or Spider, these guys love nicknames.