Horny Goat Weed (3289 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: -0.45 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <Cleanfornow> (View user info) at 2004-12-15 13:37:24 EST
Horny Goat Weed
I was browsing around in my local GNC, having already gotten my monthly supply of vitamins and supplements, when something caught my eye - Horny Goat Weed. There was a small section of one shelf dedicated to "Men's Health" products. There was Enzyte and Maca as well as the Horny Goat Weed, all proclaiming to enhance male performance. Of course I was thinking these are a rip-off, they won't work, no clinical studies support their claims I have heard. I wasn't sold, and I left with only my vitamins and whey protein mix.
Nonetheless, I am curious, never having heard of Horny Goat Weed, I did some research that night. Turns out that Horny Goat Weed is the actual name (translated from Chinese) of a plant that grows wild in China. So named because some farmer thousands of years ago noticed his goats were fucking each other's brains out and made a correlation to the weed they were eating. The Chinese have been using this shit for centuries. I found several different sources where I can buy the stuff with prices ranging from $2/day to $0.25/day. I also read several accounts attesting to the effectiveness of Horny Goat Weed and the lack of side effects. They say it needs to be taken every day for several days to work best, but you can double the dosage for faster results. What the heck, I decide to give it a try. I chose a name brand, did some shopping, found it half price and bought a four month supply (I don't fuck around).
When I got back to my truck I popped two days worth (4 pills) right there. Then, went about my business of running errands. This is a good point in my little story to mention that I am currently between wives. Recently divorced and more recently engaged to a woman who is out of the country at this time. I won't be reunited with my fiancée for a month. Also, I am a thin average looking middle aged white guy on the short side of 5'8". I figure I will test out the Goat Weed and if it works my Fiancée will be in for a nice surprise, if it doesn't work, no harm done except I am out a few bucks. Ah, the best laid plans of men...
Later that afternoon I remembered the pills I had taken earlier and noted there was no noticeable difference in... uh... the way I felt. So I popped another 4 pills. Evening rolled around, I was home alone on a Friday night, not doing much of anything, just staying out of trouble. Popped another 4 pills. The evening passed will no unusual occurrences. Next morning I awoke with a raging hard-on. This was no piss boner/morning wood, this was a throbbing engorged purple peter. So, naturally, I took 4 more pills. I mean, if you are going to conduct an experiment you ought to do it right, right? After wanking for four hours (no exaggeration) to some of my favorite sources of entertainment. I got really hungry and had to go get something to eat. Donning the loosest fitting pair of sweats I had I tooled over to the corner McDonalds, ordered some shitty food and stood back to wait while they fished it out of the vat of grease. Then she walked in.
She was (and still is) a black, 100% African decent, 19 year old fox. A prostitute. Not the street walking kind, but, the call girl kind. I could tell she was a pro right away because she was super hot looking and dressed real bad in a colorful jogging suit. I had noticed her get out of a brand new Mustang convertible. She was alone. I tried not to stare, looking only long enough to see she was thin, about my height, with the kind of big round bubble butt only a teenage black women can possess. Her skin was real dark and her smooth complexion complimented her fine facial features: almond eyes, juicy plump glossed lips, and high cheekbones. Her breasts were obscured by the baggy jacket, yet it was easy to tell they were a nice size. A women like that, alone in this neighborhood, teenage, driving that car? Prostitute.
I didn't look away fast enough, she saw me checking her out and probably heard me moan as the 13th through 16th dose of Horny Goat Weed kicked-in. She looked right at me and smiled, big white teeth, very hot. She cocked her head back as if to say "Soooo?" I don't have the looks that inspire beautiful women to give me the eye. If I had ever doubted she would do me for money, those doubts were gone. I got my food and went to my truck. My dick throbbing, my mind racing, "I'm engaged, what about STD's?" She walked out with her food as I rolled down my window. She came up to me all smiles and asked how I was. After some small talk I asked her back to my place "It's just around the corner". "What do you want" she asked. Then I got the best idea. "Oral" I said, then quickly added "I want to eat you." She was cool with that and we quickly agreed on a round figure.
Back at my place we went straight to the bedroom, McDonalds food forgotten, and got naked. She looked better without her clothes on. Smooth dark chocolate skin from head to toe. She laid back on the bed and I kneeled at her feet. Starting at her ankles I massaged her smooth legs, moving up to her thighs while crawling forward on my knees forcing her legs apart. She spread easily, without resistance, revealing an absolutely beautiful crack. Her pussy was waxed clean, no stubble, just smooth brown mound. I slowly leaned forward until my face was inches from her snatch. Then I inhaled...
Oh my god the smell!!! It reeked of pussy juice mixed with sweat and shit and cum and perfume and soap and urine and musk. It was the most wonderful stink I had ever experienced and I almost blew it right then. Inhaling deeply through my nose, savoring the stench and moaning softly as if in pain, I went to work. I licked her crotch, then her mound and parted her lips with my tongue moving up and down leaving no part unslathered. I took her clit into my mouth and sucked it in while flicking it with my tongue. Her clitoris swelled quite impressively and the deep red color was stark against the shiny black of its' surroundings. I plunged my tongue deep into her vagina. I kept at this until the all wonderful flavor and aroma was gone, replaced with the bad breath smell of my saliva. Straightening up while still on my knees between her legs, I hooked one hand behind each of her knees and lifted her legs up and back until her knees were near her head. Thusly exposing her tight little black button of an asshole. I placed my nose just above her anus and took a good long whiff... glorious. Slowly, so as to savor the sensations, I traced circles around her puckered bunky, raising my head periodically to look upon its' purple beauty. Then, I plunged my tongue as deep into her as I could, repeatedly. She thrust her hips to meet my face, her ass checks slapping against my face.
Finally, I had her get on her knees as I lay on my back below her. She knew what to do and pulled her cheeks apart with both hands - the old two handed spread. She lowered her asshole to my mouth like she did it all the time. When her gaping hole met my puckered lips I couldn't take it anymore. I grabbed my shaft just as I sent a geyser towards the ceiling. Two, three, four orgasmic spasms later and I slowly came back to earth, realizing I could not breathe, I rolled her off of me.
She dressed and left as I lay in bed groaning: "Damn, damn" over and over again.
Horny Goat Weed - No side effects my ass!
User Reviews
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-04-05 16:12:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This was on Jim Rome! I knew it.
You're a fucking fraud.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-12-15 22:28:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is some gross ass shit, but there are a lot of things that work better than horny goat weed. L-Arginine AKG, for instance. Yohimbe HCL, also.
Submitted by HatMan (user info) at 2004-12-15 22:20:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2004-12-15 19:22:19 (#)
Ranking: -2
I've seen this somewhere before.
--
I was thinking the same thing as I read this. 0 for now, minus fucking two if my suspicions are true.
Submitted by cleanfornow (user info) at 2004-12-15 22:16:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Kai. in my make believe it would have been $200, a fair price. I spent hours looking for a pic on the internet, none measurerd up to my vision. I found one perfect pic, but it was protected, couldn't copy it. look at easypic.com 2001 - archives, 1/16.
Submitted by cleanfornow (user info) at 2004-12-15 22:03:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jeanneee. I think I love you. hahaha
Submitted by cleanfornow (user info) at 2004-12-15 22:01:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
good guess chicagogirl. still, fuck you for the rating you cum sucking whore. hahaha, just kidding!!!!
Submitted by cleanfornow (user info) at 2004-12-15 21:58:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
<Yeah, but that was attempted murder, this is just cheating on your fiance with a whore.
Somehow, I find that more distasteful than licking a hamsters ass. Which is really odd, now that I think about it.>
You would be right if you weren't retarded.
However, I will enjoy licking my new wife's ass more than the ex. hahaha (LOL)
Submitted by cleanfornow (user info) at 2004-12-15 21:51:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Phinch: i bet you wish your cock was at least one third the size of my average sized dick. hahaha just kidding. get it?
Submitted by cleanfornow (user info) at 2004-12-15 21:48:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
spook: fuck you you scum sucking pig. this is my own original piece of crap.
Submitted by cleanfornow (user info) at 2004-12-15 21:46:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You just don't understand. It's not all true. It is part true, part make believe. I would never ever no way Hose ever cheat on my Fiancee. NO FUCKING WAY!!!!. I have never ever been with a whore and never ever will be. I donate blood for crying out loud. But, I do like the imaginary part. What a bunch of fucking rubes you are. Do you think Sideburns' stories are true too? God you are a bunch of fucking idiots.
Submitted by The_Great_Tom (user info) at 2004-12-15 19:58:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by chicagogirl (user info) at 2004-12-15 19:48:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
if this is true, you are nasty. putting your mouth on anothers womans puss and you are engaged? yuk. barf.gross.ick.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2004-12-15 19:22:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I've seen this somewhere before.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-12-15 15:18:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Side effects? It made you horney just like it promised. That's not a side effect.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-12-15 14:02:14 (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, but that was attempted murder, this is just cheating on your fiance with a whore.
Somehow, I find that more distasteful than licking a hamsters ass. Which is really odd, now that I think about it.
--------------------------------
Actually, I'd rather lick a hamster's ass than cheat on my fiance. I don't think thats odd at all.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-12-15 14:37:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Black chicks rule. -1 for licking a smelly cunt. How much did it cost? Next time take a few pics!
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-12-15 14:02:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, but that was attempted murder, this is just cheating on your fiance with a whore.
Somehow, I find that more distasteful than licking a hamsters ass. Which is really odd, now that I think about it.
Submitted by cleanfornow (user info) at 2004-12-15 13:57:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Teephphah: someone who licked the ass of a hampster should have given this a better rating? hahaha
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-12-15 13:53:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-15 13:49:58 (#)
Ranking: 1
Holy crap. This was kinda hot, but mostly it was just disgusting.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-15 13:49:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Holy crap. This was kinda hot, but mostly it was just disgusting.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-12-15 13:43:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Kaelic is gonna be all over this like the shit that is all over his dick.