SPD- Frankenferret (1095 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.77 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ferretnose (View user info) at 2004-12-15 14:44:59 EST
George the Ferret had died. That's not entirely true; my best friend, who is a veterinary assistant, killed him because he was deathly ill. George fought; it took two shots. He pooped on us with his last breath and died with a look on his furry face that seemed to say, "Why, Mommy?"
I gave him a proper Christian burial in a flower bed on my parent's vast 10 acre estate. Then, Rip the Rottweiler dug him up again. When I saw that, my hair turned completely white and then I kicked Rip in his doggy nuts with my little size 5 shoe. He didn't notice because the nuts were bigger than my shoe.
I took George's battered corpse into the woods, and dug a grave in a remote clearing. I guess I didn't notice the withered trees, heathen runes, and ancient pagan burial mounds. I may have also ignored the blood drenched spirit that was waving red flags and moaning, while I built a cairn over the tiny tomb.
One day, I went into Mr. Crowley's Occult Supplies and Pet Emporium. In a cage underneath some bats was an ugly ferret. A sign said, "Ferret- ½ price, must sell." I said to the mysterious clerk, "Damn, that's an ugly ferret. No wonder you can't sell him."
"No, no, that's just bat guano. Behold!" He cleaned the ferret off with a majikal wet wipe. "George!!! Oh, God, he looks just like my poor dead Georgie! I'll take him." The clerk chuckled satanically. In the car, it lay perfectly still and stared into my eyes, which made me uneasy. I named it Louie.
Louie is evil incarnate. Immediately, he began to menace the other ferrets. He grew twice as big as the others in a matter of two months. He digs in the litter of their cage, so he stinks. His claws are deadly. He makes gross sounds while he eats,and drools like a St. Bernard. He hoards food and growls over it. He snores. He bites everyone but me. When my best friend the vet assistant came over to see the new ferret, he gave her a particularly vicious bite.
He pooped on the second shelf of our bookcase, desecrating a bible. Then he violated a St. Francis figurine that had been blessed by the archbishop of Orleans Parish. Louie can levitate.
I think Louie is Bizarro George, sent from the shadows under the Rainbow Bridge to torment us for killing him. Also, he wants revenge because I tried to replace him so soon after his demise. I had some dirt from under Louie's oogy claws analyzed by the Vatican. Sure enough, it's sour, cursed earth from the ground I buried George in. Stephen King was right: "Sometimes, dead is better."
P.S.
I was exaggerating about the doggy nuts part.
Ferretnose
User Reviews
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2007-09-21 23:30:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-10-11 21:58:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm just a sweet transvestite
From Transsexual, Transylvaniaaaaa-haha!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-11 21:49:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When are you going to post something? You keep teasing me by showing up to write a review and then disappearing for three more months. Please come back and start posting again!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-29 16:34:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Vomit (user info) at 2005-02-15 15:01:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a ferret once...fuck they're funny.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:43:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss Ferretnose.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-12-15 16:06:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what is this, the lillith fair? sorry, just the biggest group of ubergirls in one place.
anywho, this was quite amusing.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-12-15 15:53:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is some funny shit.
I use to have two ferrets. Sydney and Erma named
after my grandparents nice jewish friends.
They were fun pets until Sydney had a stroke
and couldn't move. We had to put him to sleep.
Erma is still alive and kickin' it.
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-12-15 15:52:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haaaahahahahahahahahaha
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-12-15 15:28:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-12-15 15:09:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Louie can levitate.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-15 14:48:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W