Children are evil little fuckers. (3925 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.93 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by AshK <alkite at gmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-12-15 14:52:35 EST
It was a gorgeous day in June for a birthday party and my (then) seven-year-old son was quickly adapting to life on rollerblades. By that, I mean that he was doing that quaint backwards duck walk while flailing his arms and screeching every so often. Such bliss.
His little pal Damien (such an appropriate name, but that is another story) whizzed up and down the sidewalk screaming words of support to Sam, like "c'mon you pussy", and "don't your butt hurt yet?". I will admit to wondering about that second question, myself.
You see, my child has the unfortunate curse of klutziness. This combined with his general disregard of the world around him, makes for some cheap entertainment. In fact, just this morning my now ten-year-old shut the back door after taking the dog out and then proceeded to smack right back into it nose first, after neglecting to process that
A: He had just closed the door,
B: His right hand was resting on the knob of said closed door and,
C: The leash he thought he had left outside was dangling from his left wrist.
I don't believe he appreciated the pain I suffered by blowing a bit of coffee out my nose, while trying not to laugh directly _in_ his face.
Back to our tale of evil.
After watching my boy accomplish a particularly violent crash that could have rendered him a soprano for life, I decided I should probably start cleaning up the wrapping paper. Even at seven, he didn't care for his truly loving and concerned parent running over to check for serious injury while trying not to actually snort with laughter.
The next sound to assault my ears will stay with me for the rest of my days, my child was screaming hysterically and general sounds of commotion were floating from the sidewalk area. My mother-in-law was first on the scene, as she had offered to watch the Hell on Wheels show so I could tidy up. The look on her face said it all, something was wrong. Really wrong.
Sam's breath came in gulps between screeches as I searched for the fountain of blood that I knew must be spewing from some hidden injury. My eyes drifted the half block or so to the Emergency Room bay that sometimes housed blaring sirens that woke me at 3 A.M., and I was suddenly grateful that it was so close.
My husband heard the wailing, as did the entire 800 and most of the 900 block of North Long Street, and sprinted to our rescue. He reached out to roll Sam over, face first is his favorite way to fall, when words I never care to hear again issue forth. A mournful "Noooooooooooooooooooooo, don't touch me!" Followed by two hysterical gulps and "I can't feel my legs."
Time stopped. I looked at Mark, he looked at his mom and his mom looked to God. Damien poked Sam in the leg and said "sissy". Visions of my closest friend, whose car accident left her a paraplegic, flew through my mind. A life time of infections, blood clot scares and hospitals loomed at the edge of my vision. The melodramatic imaginings flowed like grape cool-aid in August.
Mark immediately reached over and pinched Sam on his calf, hard. Sam didn't react, he just continued to sob. The ambulance was called.
You would be amazed how long it takes to transfer a weeping, gasping mess half a block to the Emergency. And that was just me.
The Emergency Room is an alien place when your child is hurt. The occasional gulp and tear would still fall, but he was mostly calm staring up at the tiled ceiling. The nurse gingerly removed the traitorous roller blades, and bravely avoided passing out at my boy's smelly feet. Poor kid, gets all the unfortunate afflictions.
Ten minutes passed slower than hours, but the doctor finally arrived. He was a jolly man, and his good cheer really pissed me off to no end. My son was paralyzed and probably dying, while Dr. Happy Ass was making nice. Gag! Who cares that he got Sam to smile? This was an Emergency, damnit.
The doctor proceeded to examine Sam carefully, asking him if he could feel this or that. My anger built as he continued to taunt my injured baby by making him admit he couldn't feel his legs, over and over again. I was ready to employ a rather dastardly maneuver involving a bedpan and a steel cane when the doctor looked at us and winked. WINKED! The bastard was flirting? Hand me that cane.
Dr. Hornball walked to a supply cabinet, produced a needle that would make a lifetime heroin addict faint with fear, and headed back to Sam's bed.
"We will need to test his ability to feel stimuli closer to the bone." he muttered as he removed Sam's left sock. My hands crept to my eyes as I prepared to shut out the vision of my crippled child beginning a gauntlet of tests, when the miracle happened.
Both of Sam's legs shot up as he sat bolt upright and assumed the position. The Indian Style position. sickos.
"Yanno, mom I feel a lot better now!" said my darling angel.
All the air left the room. I looked at Mark, he glared at Sam and Sam looked at the exit.
Years taken off my life? 10
One Half Block ambulance ride? $350.00
Emergency room charges? $275.00
Reminding the little shit of this every time he asks for money? Priceless
User Reviews
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-09 14:12:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My boy is just getting ready to celebrate his 1st birthday and already he has wrought much destruction upon my wallet, my possessions, and my life in general. Horribly amusing destruction, but destruction nevertheless
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-10-25 16:27:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I usually get to see the doctor, have him try to move/bend/manipulate the afflicted area, then decide it is FUBAR and send me to the X-rays. At least I am old enough to deal with the pain without crying. But yay for Morphine! Yay for Codeine! Yay for the other things they injected me with that I can't remember! And a yay for going in with a full stomach, so that I could handle twice the amount of drugs needed to make someone pass out, yup was still conscious enough to enjoy the high!!
Submitted by Doctorgeorge90001 (user info) at 2005-04-13 14:52:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
beat the little shit
Submitted by Gizmo (user info) at 2005-01-05 21:41:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually DanielH, They don't always do it immediately. When I was a kid I got quite the nasty cut(it required reconstructive plastic surgery) and they didn't x-ray me until my doctor arrived. Bastards.
Anyways, very well written. It reminded me of how much I hate kids and am glad I never got anyone pregnant.
Submitted by Bickerstaff (user info) at 2005-01-05 21:18:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What happened to the roler blades?
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-01-05 21:09:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Way funny.
(He should have been in X-ray before the doc ever saw him, and trussed to a backboard before that.}
Thanks for reminding me how great it is to not only be single, but w/o kids. Well written.
Submitted by The_Great_Tom (user info) at 2005-01-05 20:49:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-19 07:13:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHA
We could trade kids and never notice the difference.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-12-18 19:48:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Coyote
Dirty dirty dirty.
Lady Plural. I love you.
Mhauahahahaha
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-18 13:53:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Check your mail.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-12-18 13:45:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I totally hate the feeling of having to supress that
laughter when the offspring does something that wouldn't
be out of place in a three stooges movie...
And, by the way, how dirty is dirty?
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-16 01:26:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love it.
I'm never reproducing.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-15 23:26:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank god this great nation of our condones spanking children.
*whisper* *whisper*
What?
*whisper* *whisper* *whisper* *whisper*
You're kidding!
*whisper*
No way.
*whisper*
They CONDEMN IT???
When the fuck did THAT happen???
*whisper* *whisper* *whisper* *whisper* *whisper* *whisper*
*whisper* *whisper* *whisper* *whisper* *whisper* *whisper* *whisper*
*whisper* *whisper*
*whisper* *whisper* *whisper* *whisper* *whisper*
*whisper* *whisper* *whisper* *whisper* *whisper* *whisper*
*whisper* *whisper*
*whisper*
*whisper*
*whisper* *whisper* *whisper* *whisper*
*whisper*
HOly shit...
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2004-12-15 23:15:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So how exactly do you expect to send the kid to Snark?
FedEx?
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2004-12-15 17:40:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanted to copy a shard of text, but I couldn't decide which, so I'll just give you a +2 and silently leave. Great parent, you are.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-12-15 17:19:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-12-15 16:14:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, I'm never having kids.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-12-15 17:10:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-12-15 16:31:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA, litte turd
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2004-12-15 16:30:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-12-15 15:37:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Your kid rocks almost as much as this post.
I'll give you $65.00 and a pack of smokes for him.
-----------------------------------------------
AAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHA
FUNNIEST RESPONCE EVER
HAHAAHAHAHAHHAA
Submitted by mles76 (user info) at 2004-12-15 16:21:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post. Very entertaining
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-12-15 16:20:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
freaking sweet move on your kid's part...way to be a little shit kid...keep it up.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-12-15 16:14:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, I'm never having kids.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2004-12-15 16:09:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cute
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-12-15 15:50:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah, excellent. One day I will drink a beer with this child. How about Thursday week?
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-12-15 15:48:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DEAL!
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-12-15 15:44:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know Snark, he really does make for great comedic relief.
You can rent him for a month and keep the smokes, m'kay?
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-12-15 15:37:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your kid rocks almost as much as this post.
I'll give you $65.00 and a pack of smokes for him.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-12-15 15:32:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-12-15 15:26:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA!
cute little buggers they be!
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-12-15 15:23:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My son was paralyzed and probably dying, while Dr. Happy Ass was making nice.
peeheheheheheheheeeeeeeee
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-12-15 15:21:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Trade him in on a newer model
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-12-15 15:09:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Su-Perb!
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2004-12-15 14:56:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love it.