UberMurder! Loki killed in explosion. GLALL hanged for the murder of Munkeypants. (1083 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 1.57 on 55 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Timmah http://www.these-bloody-hands.tk (View user info) at 2004-12-16 00:19:24 EST
The people of Uber have made their decision. It is GodLovesALittleLovin who is the first to be put to his death.
The mob gather round baying for the blood of a murderer. GodLovesALittleLovin is transported out in a large wooden cage on wheels, pleading his innocence all the way.
A man in a white lab coat pushes his way through the crowd, desperately trying to make it to the front. GLALL has a sack placed over his head and a rope around his neck. A wet patch stains his trousers and a puddle forms around his feet.
The man in the white coat continues to push his way to the front but is too late.
The floor drops and the rope jerks tight. GLALL's neck snaps easily.
The white coated man reaches the font of the crowd and shouts out.
"No! the man you have just killed is innocent!" He screams. The man is the coroners assistant, he has found evidence which proves the murderer not to be GLALL.
"The way in which the victims rectum had been violated, shows that GLALL is not the murderer! GLALL's small penis would not do damage to that extent. He didn't murder munkeypants!"
Coroners report
At 12:04pm 16th December the charred corpse of Loki was recovered from the burning ashes of a car, after it bust into flames during a protest rally.
The body was recovered outside the DNC headquarters in Ohio. Loki died instantly in the blast. The car was believed to have been rigged with a car bomb but police are doing more extensive research as we speak.
Near the scene we found what looked to be a small detonating device made of crudely moulded plastic. There are partial fingerprints which police are now running through the systems. We also found an old KFC box which we are using for DNA samples although this is very sketchy evidence.
Dr Timothy Murray MD
Overseers report.
Another hideous crime against humanity. This time it seemed to have a political point to it. Could the murderer be trying to tell us something? It is up to you to decide. After a police report and psychological analysis it will be put down to you to vote for the real murderer.
Choose wisely Uber for you could be next
Deceased:
Munkeypants - Murdered
GodLovesALittleLovin - Executed
Loki - Murdered
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-23 03:39:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Rabble Rabble, Rabble Rabble!
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2004-12-21 21:47:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I sent in my report a couple hours ago. Maybe Tim's just busy.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-21 21:34:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GAH. It's tuesday and the police report is still not yet up. And here I am about to blow the lid wide open on this entire investigation...
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-19 21:17:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't forget, Michigan is right on the border of Ontario.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-19 21:17:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i live in Mi.
it was me!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-19 21:03:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Darko, I almost peed myself.
This post has turned into a withchunt!
I still say it's NerfHerder, but now I've got a hunch that it could be Darko.
He lives in Michigan- very close to Ohio.
He could easily duck into state lines and then back out under cover of nightfall.
His name is DARKO for Christ's sakes.
He seems to be spreading out the blame evenly to not only take suspicion off of himself, but also to plant the seed of mistrust in the common man.
Since NerfHerder is not technically part of the game, I change my vote to Darko.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-19 20:43:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you darko.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-19 17:45:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny, i think you should include some of my suspicions in the report.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2004-12-19 15:29:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Police report will probably come through tomorrow. Tuesday at the latest.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-12-19 14:56:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have made that a post, I was laughing the whole way through darko.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-18 06:55:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Clearly I was mistaken. Nerfherder never even signed up for this. So the whole time AJ has been knowingly accusin a person who he new for a fact it could not be. See too AJ it didn't matter who he started accusing, because he knew for a fact that nobody he accused was the murderer, since he is the culprit! But he didn't bother to check to see if who he was accusin even was participating, he slipped up! There are only 2 reasonable explanations, AJ is dumber than we all thought and didn't know nerfherder wasn't participating, or AJ didn't care that Nerfherder wasn't participating because all he needed was a name to keep throwing out there to take suspision off of him. I'm really looking forward to the police report to confirm some theories i have.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-18 06:41:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gah, I debated making this a post but I didn't feel that it'd be appreciated so I'll leave this as a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge reply.
Where is the next police report?
Personally I have 3 suspects, Degressless, AJ, and CATAL.
Degreeless I thought last round, and has been continuing his suspicious activities that first led me to name him. First to respond to this post with "are you happy now tim" Clearly a slip up on his part, asking if timn was happy that he finally named his next victim. His sudden defense when tim was attacked for including the word pooper, clearly he felt guilty of tim taking shit for Degreeless's choice of wording. And look at all the time he has reviewed on the police report post, almost as if he felt he needed to guide our votes to GLALL. He was the 30th person listed on a list of 46. 30/46=15/23. 23-15=8. The body of monkey pants was discovered at 14:03. 1+4+0+3=8! Loki's corpse was recovered at 12:04. 12-04=8! You got too cocky leaving these clues here. You are clearly a sick demented person who is toying with us!
AJ with his consistent "Nerfherder" is clearly trying to throw us off the track. Nerfherder is clearly not the murderer for the following reason. If we assume the murderer is a sick individual, which we can thanks to the gruesome acts of these murders, then we can also assume the murderer wouldn't be able to resist gloating in our faces or taking part of the festivities to keep us off of his trail. Nerfherder though has simply not commented since the sign up post. And this could easily be a way for AJ to try to manipulate us into killing his victims for him. See he has a deep seeded hatred for Nerfherder due to their days in middle school together when Nerfherder took the last apple juice box at lunch and laugh in AJs face for the remainder of lunch period. What better way for revenge than to get nerfherder convicted of murder.
CATAL. Can always trust a liar. I do trust you..to lie! Everyone notice how close the letter l is to the letter m. It's just up and to the right of it. Right just like which ovary Munkeypants was shot in! And the M is clearly for murder! So Can Always Trust A Murderer, you do not have me fooled! Further evidence is being placed right next to degreeless on the character list. Tim was giving us a hint that you two were in cahoots together.
Clearly The murderer is one of these 3, and I know which one. The other 2 are accomplices, but I have included them on this list to put some extra pressure on the murderer. He knows he is targeted now, and his biggest mistake was not killing me last round. Keep it up mister killer person. Eventually you will make a mistake so big that even the drunken law enforcement will see it and be able to haul you in. You make me sick!
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-12-17 16:52:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-16 22:22:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
I will kill C_A_T_A_L.
Mark my words.
DEATH THREATS! DEATH THREATS! It was AJ!
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-12-16 21:38:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Man this is excellent. Alot of suspicion floating round. Pointing fingers etc etc
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-16 21:15:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-12-16 12:10:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nooooooooo not GLALL! Not him!
---
Showing a little guilt for making the wrong person die? HM?!
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-12-16 21:06:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why would i put an obviouslt suspicious remark there if I were the murderer. that doesn't make sense. Unless of course I knew it was TOO obvious and therefor be disregardeed, but then why would I say this now? That would only reveal my true intent. Unless I actually am not the murderer.
Hmm, now where did I put that iocane powder...
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-16 20:57:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-12-06 21:41:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
DEATH: I believe, it was Colonel Mustard in the Library with the candlestick!
BILL: Dude! You're worng! It was Professor Plum!
DEATH: Plum! I said Plum!
TED: You said Mustard!
DEATH: Best 2 out of 3!
PS - I didn't do it.
====================
It very well may have been you but you have to admit you look a little suspicious with your PS there.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-12-16 20:52:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I;m confident in my innoccence. so will gladly answer any questions:
AIM: UberCATAL
email: goff_franklin.at.hotmail.com
Wouldn't it be a pity, if there numbered a sadistic townsperson, who reveled in throwing the police off the scent, among us.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-12-16 20:48:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Please, if I was the murderer I would kill in a much more devious manner.
I still have a feeling that AJ may be involved, but I'm starting to think that he would be TOO obvious. Darko, however, seems a bit more subtle, and is just layin gthe seed of doubt in everyon'es mind now and again. Perhaps he could be the accomplice, or even the killer?
My guess, is the accomplice will be much easier to spot than the killer. It occurs to me that the killer might lay a bit low while his accomplice trys to divert attention from him.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-16 20:46:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Then again i too was leaning towards CATAL at somepoint...
You may be onto something
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-16 20:42:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Suuuuure. He kept bugging you during the two minutes it was up before you responded to read it and rate it. I believe you. Or maybe he kept bugging you to tell him who your next victim was!!!!
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-16 20:34:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, I was first on the scene cause Tim kept bugging me about it and not letting me get offline until I read his post.
On the murder, I'm leaning towards CATAL, but its only an unfounded hunch.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-12-16 19:32:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
*bump*
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-12-16 12:10:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nooooooooo not GLALL! Not him!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-16 11:57:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
there must be more clues.
come on people! avenge me!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-12-16 11:38:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-16 00:48:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
col. mustard in the library with the candle holder.
--------------------
This is the murderer of munkeypants, DOS....and is also the murderer of Loki! AJ is his accomplice.
Either that or AJ is the real murderer and CATAL is his accomplice. What better way to be an accomplice than to accuse the murderer of being the accomplice!?
Will there be no justice for GLALL?
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-12-16 11:27:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I have no comment at this time.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-12-16 11:12:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
just in time for the holidays too
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:49:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You've gotta love this guy!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:46:38 (#)
Ranking: 1
If I could make a suggestion...could you start killing these people a bit faster? And once thy're killed, attach a ban on them to make it more realistic. Thanks.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:48:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
*whistles dixie*
*taps toe*
*twiddles thumbs*
*shoots the breeze*
*does nothing that had words*
What?
Wasn't me, i say. I was hanging around the building, trying to find out if they needed some help with the presidential election.
*whisper* *whisper* *whisper*
*whisper*
*whisper* *whisper* *whisper* *whisper*
No shit, that was a month and a half ago? I thought they threw that one out?
*whisper* *whisper* *whisper*
*whisper* *whisper* *whisper* *whisper* *whisper* *whisper*
*whisper* *whisper*
*whisper* *whisper* *whisper* *whisper*
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOhhhhh... That was UKRAINE... OK. They still need help?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:46:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
If I could make a suggestion...could you start killing these people a bit faster? And once thy're killed, attach a ban on them to make it more realistic. Thanks.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:35:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We also found an old KFC box which we are using for DNA samples although this is very sketchy evidence.
***
I could make a terrible, terrible joke right here, but I'll maintain my thought that it's Nerf.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-12-16 08:19:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It was Michael Jackson. He hates women, and anally violated one of the victims so as not to touch her "icky girl place".
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2004-12-16 06:52:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
poor GLALL...
so who is the murderer..?
It could be me..
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2004-12-16 05:08:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2004-12-16 04:49:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Pssst. Come a little closer... come on.
<whispers>
I have inside information....
Jesus did it!
---
Ya keep talking like that and I'll stick a garden rake up yer ass! H'yuk! I work at a gas station, h'yuk!
________
There's no room at the inn for a garden tool, it's occupied for the foreseeable future... well untill Buttius Plugius want's out.
Are those your own teeth?
URGH!
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-12-16 04:58:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2004-12-16 04:49:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Pssst. Come a little closer... come on.
<whispers>
I have inside information....
Jesus did it!
---
Ya keep talking like that and I'll stick a garden rake up yer ass! H'yuk! I work at a gas station, h'yuk!
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2004-12-16 04:49:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pssst. Come a little closer... come on.
<whispers>
I have inside information....
Jesus did it!
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-12-16 04:29:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
So when does this series go into the sycamore tree circle where the gateway to the Black Lodge is?
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-12-16 04:27:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No one ain't ever killin' me! I done tell ya right now, I know who the murderer is! H'yuk!
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-12-16 04:12:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's Degreeless. No doubt... I think.
This is still an awesome idea/series.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-12-16 03:39:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you have to take GLALL's dignity, as well as his life? Murderers.
This series had better end with a mass lynching...of the police force.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-12-16 01:59:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
its degreeless, pure and simple.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-12-16 01:18:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Another to make up that 0 too..
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-12-16 01:18:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SHIT!
Heres +2
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-12-16 01:18:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
know what? I would enjoy trying to be in one... it looks awesome...
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-16 01:16:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-16 00:21:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy Tim? I'm going to bed now.
===============
First on the scene....
You don't have me fooled Degreeless!
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-12-16 01:06:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shite, this is awesome.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2004-12-16 01:00:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*Press Conference*
People of the Uber. I am sorry to say there has been another murder. This time, Loki, a beloved and well-known Uberite was viciously and cruelly slain before her time. She will be sorely missed. I would like to remind all citizens that we are still continuing the investigation regarding munkeypant's murder, in addition to the new case involving Loki.
Also at this time, I regret to inform you that the police department's initial data regarding munkeypant's killer appears to have been flawed. An innocent man, Mr. GLALL, is dead due to our error. On behalf of the entire force, I wish to extend my sincere hand of apology to any and all friends and family of Mr. GLALL. In our effort to quickly and safely prevent another murder, we ironically sent another innocent to death.
This error on our part has only strengthened our resolve, and we vow to work even harder to prevent the same mistake from happening again. If anyone has any information they wish to share with the police, feel free to contact us through AIM at "funnyascancer," or through email at funnyascancer.at.yahoo.com. In the meantime, keep your eyes open, and stay safe.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-16 00:48:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
col. mustard in the library with the candle holder.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-12-16 00:41:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Told you guys it wasn't GLALL.
I still think AJ is somehow involved. As eithewr the murderer or the accomplice.
Submitted by Slypher (user info) at 2004-12-16 00:36:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Let me be the first to say...
THE POLICE ARE CORRUPT!!
DONITSU2002 IS THE MURDERER!!
AAAAAGGGHHH!!!!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-12-16 00:32:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awww shit! Everybody knows I don't murder women over the age of 18.
Wait a second, I'm dead right?
<dies>
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2004-12-16 00:28:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
But wait! Isn't Loki in economics or accounting? She had knowledge of insider Krispy Kreme stock... what else might she have known, and who might not have wanted her to know it? hmmm. Sounds like a corporate plot.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-12-16 00:22:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WOOHOO!!!! FIRST ON THE SCENE!!!!
And now I shal confer with my compatriots.....
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-16 00:21:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy Tim? I'm going to bed now.