Take the Fifth (725 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.54 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Wasabi <medicatedgoo.at.123mail.org> (View user info) at 2004-12-16 04:25:55 EST
"Talking. I was just talking wasn't I?"
"Yes Mr. Smith. Please continue."
"I'm terribly sorry but I seem to have lost my train of thought... again. If anybody here has been listening to me for the past 8 months, then I'm sure you know that I simply can't focus on a single issue for longer than... seconds?"
"Such a thing shouldn't come to a great shock to anybody though should it? That's pretty much why I'm here right now isn't it? Focusing just isn't my, what's the word? 'Forte?' I remember this one time... this one specific moment in my life... I was polishing the barrel of my pistol... which one I forget right now, but I distinctly remember getting lost in the circle-swirl patterns the polish was creating. Or was I creating the patterns? Doesn't matter really. I mean, do we create or are we created? Or both? Or neither... ... ..."
"Mr. Smith?"
"Yes? Oh sorry, I got lost again... imagine me getting lost while conveying an anecdote of getting lost! Is that irony or just sheer idiocy? Or, is there really a difference between the two? Who's to say? One man's irony is another man's idio-"
"Mr. Smith! Please stay focused."
"Right, right... focus. In focus. Zoom lens. Focus. Uh..."
"You were saying something about cleaning your 'pistol' I believe?"
"Yes! Yes that's right... thank you. Quite sorry. So I, I got lost in the patterns I was making... yes, yes it was I who made the patterns. That's right. Not the polish. Polish can't pattern, only intelligently assembled patterns of matter, if intelligence really has anything to do with our creation. Patterns pattern. Do you think they pattern after themselves? I don't know. So the patterns kinda sorta sucked me in. I mean, not physically of course, that would be crazy, and I am NOT crazy. I'm not. The patterns mentally distracted me from what was happening. Like, the reason I was polishing the pistol in the first place."
"And why was that Mr. Smith?"
"Uh... I can't remember. Isn't that a hoot? But I got so absorbed, like a sponge absorbing something. Christ, that's a horrible metaphor isn't it? That's not even a metaphor is it? It's a, uh, a... a brash attempt at a simple simile. Simile. Si-mi-le... that word's kinda strange isn't it? And metaphor? Don't get me started! I always ask myself: 'What's a meta for?' you know, like a joke, but then I forget the definition of meta, beyond the Latin meaning of 'before' or something like that and-"
"Mr. Smith, please?"
"Of course, of course, I'm sorry... sorry. I got absorbed into the patterns on the gun, and I began to polish the damn thing harder to try and make more pronounced patterns when, before I could stop it, the damn thing went off. I mean the fucking gun WENT OFF! God damn was I surprised when tha-"
"Objection your honor!"
"Uh... over-ruled counselor. Please continue Mr. Smith."
"Right. Well, I mean, it went off. It sounded like a freakin' cannon blast... of course it wasn't. It was just a gun. Not a cannon. Like at football games when the home team scores. That's fucking awesome when they shoot that thing off. BAM! It just makes me jump out of my seat!"
"Please sit back down Mr. Smith. Can you remember what happened when the gun went off?"
"Objection!"
"Over-ruled."
"Uh... it was so long ago. This has nothing to do with what we're talking about though... why are you pressing?"
"Please try to remember for me will you?"
"OK, sure. Sure, if you'd like. Well, I was with some people I think... there were about three others, maybe two... no, no three. There were three other people there other than me, but THEY were all tied up for some reason, I can't quite figure that one out. Their mouths were gagged, and their hands... were tied... that's pretty weird isn't it?"
"Do you think they were tied up because you kidnapped them, Mr. Smith?"
"Objection! Leading the defendant."
"I want to see where this goes counselor. Over-ruled."
"Uh... well, maybe. Let me think about it. Did I kidnap... yeah, yeah I guess that's why. OH shit that's right! The gun went off and blew a hole in the really pretty one's head! Fuck I almost forgot!"
"Order! Settle down everybody. I will maintain order!"
"Blood everywhere!"
"Objection your honor! I object!"
"For fuck's sake it was disgusting. The other two freaked out let me tell you! Jesus I think my rug is still stained... unless my dog got it all..."
"The prosecution rests, your honor."
"Mr. Smith, unless you have anything that you'd like to add to this delightful little story, and I highly recommend that you don't: you are dismissed. I'm sure you can tell by the utter disparity present on your lawyers' face that things just one-eightied on you. If you make it out of this, I suggest, from now on Mr. Smith, that you consider taking the fifth that your lawyer so kindly and intelligently suggested."
"But... but I told my lawyer earlier... I don't drink whiskey."
OK, so this is my first post here. Tear me apart... I've read the reviews, and I'm ready for a thrashin'. Whatever. This story was written in one sitting, a kind of stream of conscious story, knowing that I would post it to ubersite. I had no intention of it being humorous (as a stream of conscious story, I had NO intention whatsoever) but when I got to the end, I just couldn't help but put in the "punchline" as it just made sense. Hope somebody enjoys... Hate me. Love me. I don't care. Peace
User Reviews
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2005-02-01 20:10:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the punchline as you call it actually did make sense, because i was wondering why his lawyer would allow him to testify....
great story.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-01-13 23:15:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Douchebag.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-12-17 09:47:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-12-17 09:47:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Read your second post and came here to see what your other stuff was like. You are good. Please keep writing.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-12-16 19:49:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent first post. I like your user name. Welcome to Uber.
Submitted by wasabi (user info) at 2004-12-16 19:36:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, I know it's not really humor... I guess I shoulda put it in the stories section or something? I'll have to figure that kind of thing out. I'll repost it in like a year under a different category. Thanks all
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:13:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
One point though: This ... wasn't really humour, now was it?
Submitted by Harry_Manback (user info) at 2004-12-16 09:47:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Loved it.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-12-16 09:18:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for not being terrible.
terrific first post
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-12-16 07:52:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This post was like having a conversation with Shandy.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-12-16 07:41:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked this.
Welcome to Uber.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2004-12-16 06:29:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A fantastic first post!
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-12-16 04:57:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-16 04:54:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 die, welcome to uber.
Just kidding, this was really really really well done. I liked it alot, keep up the contributions.