The Santa Claus Dildo Adventures (7501 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.98 on 111 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Finding The'Mo (View user info) at 2004-12-16 06:50:23 EST
Me at 18
Anyone from a small town will tell you that you have to make your own fun. Concerts and new clubs are a rarity, in fact an impossibility for those still in High School. Fortunately my town had about 100,000 people, so it wasn't dreadfully small, but the people certainly made it seem that way.
I guess to clue you in to the type of town it was, we were once in Guiness for having the most churches per capita. And everyone was immensely proud of that. Suffice to say, most rocking out was limited to headbanging for Christ with whatever Christian "rock" band was playing, and Friday and Saturday nights at the local Baptist teen center. And let me tell you, you haven't lived till you've had a prayer meeting before playing pool till 11:00 pm on a Friday night. Some nights I'm surprised I even survived the drive home, drunk as I was on the glory of the Lord!
So my friends and I pretty much made our own entertainment. We saw the youth ministry pretty much for what it was, about as cool as government anti-drug ads.
One September afternoon while browsing through Goodwill my friends and I came upon a find. A genuine Santa suit. Now this wasn't a fully pimped out Santa suit, but I'd always thought the red velvet made Santa look like a drag queen anyway. This was simple red cotton with faux white fur trim.
Of course we had to buy it. A month prior we had found a 3 foot tall hollow Santa at a yard sale, and after drilling a hole in his mouth, had made the ultimate yuletide bong. Santa's kisses were indeed magical from that day on. But unlike the bong idea, we had no idea as yet what we would do with a Santa costume. But our collective Muse was telling us not to pass up on this opportunity, and 5 dollars later we had a complete Santa suit.
For a long while it was forgotten about. It was put in my closet alongside the leisure suits and Dukakis t-shirts I had purchased there it languished. Until one December night, when my friend Brian spent the night, and stumbled on the suit.
"Hey! Look what I found"
"I don't give a shit what you found fag, now get back here and play Goldeneye"
"Fuck you. I'm serious, look."
The Santa suit. He had already put the red pants on, and was pulling on the jacket. The suit seemed to fit him almost perfectly. Not in a magical "Santa Clause" sense. Rather the munchies and slothfulness that our holiday bong (forever known as Sensamilla Claus) had inflicted on us had put a few extra pounds on Brian. The fit of the pants made it seem as if some higher power had actually wanted us to keep smoking weed. His name was Julio and he sold out of his 1 bedroom apartment.
Firecrackers started going off in my head. An idea was coming. I knew not what, but I knew it would be exciting. And big.
Something to do with...helping a plucky orphan learn to walk...and...simultaneously learning the true meaning of Christmas
"Hmmmm. You know what this costume needs? A dildo."
Close enough.
Now most people when faced with the prospect of combining a child's fondest memory with a graphic sex toy would balk or cringe in disgust. Not Brian. He gave the usual thoughtful nod and slow spreading smile of assent that usually accompanied any idea of mine.
Brian was something of an enabler. Before I started hanging out with him I was the quiet nerdy reserved kid. After we became friends, I was still the quiet nerdy type, but only for appearances sake.
Brian showed me the heady rush that came from shoplifting. I showed him the rush that came from talking to the clerk while you were doing it. Brian showed me "The Dollhouse" a seedy little dive of a titty bar that let 16 year olds in. I in turn demonstrated to him that if you gave the stripper an extra 10, she would happily take the glasses off my face and insert them in her special area.
Basically Brian showed me the world outside of "Yes ma'ams and No sirs" and I took the slight glimpse of insurrection he offered and turned it into a full fledged, take no prisoners rebellion.
Think Catholic school girl getting laid for the first time. Misanthropy was my sex drive.
Fortunately around the time of this idea I had turned 18, else it would never have gotten off the ground. The XXX stores around my hometown were rather uptight about allowing minors in, hardly realizing that my friends and I had access to all the real life hookerpussy we could handle at The Dollhouse. So one red faced trip to the Bunny Ranch later, we were richer one 10" dildo.
Now of necessity we had learned to limit our operations. The fewer people you have along, the less chance you have of getting caught. So it would be me running the camera and Brian decked out in the Santa suit. Of course you have to have a camcorder for all your misdeeds, it gives the police more evidence to make their case with.
To cut a long story short, the next day I stuffed Brian with pillows and helped him into his Santa Claus outfit. Then came the most important moment. From this point on we knew we wouldn't turn back. The John Holmes special was pulled out from my closet, and the packaging was removed. There was no going back from this point. Caesar crossed his Rubicon, we unwrapped a dildo. Same difference.
On a side note, how to attach the dildo became something of an issue. We had already toyed with several ideas that did not involve hanging it out of Santa's zipper. Him wielding it like a club and chasing after a friend who was dressed as an elf. Sitting on a bench and giving it to the first trusting child that came to sit on his lap, wrapped in a bow and all. Finally we decided on the option that would be least likely to get us charged as sex offenders, as none of us wanted to go through THAT whole process again.
It was hung out Santa's zipper. After experimenting with different methods of attaching it, from staples to duct tape, we finally tied some yarn around the base and the remainder was tied around Brian's waist. The effect was truly dazzling, as the slack in the yarn allowed the pink member to bounce up and down as Brian walked just as a real erection would.
So it began. We pulled up to the mall parking lot. Brian got out. I hung back a little so people would not connect the camcorder and the well hung Santa Claus. Now fortunately we had chosen a dildo that did not look entirely lifelike, reasoning that if we could avoid at least a public nudity charge, we would be all the better during our stay in county jail.
However it was very obviously a big, fleshy dildo. The walk in went surprisingly smooth. Brian walked past a group of 15 year old girls and asked if any of them wanted to sit on his lap. They all screamed and a few giggled. Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad after all.
Throughout everything, one of my biggest fears, aside from having my first sexual encounter in prison as a result of this, was that a parent or group of parents would take such great offense that physical violence would ensue. We took what precautions we could, Santa was wearing steel toe boots in the hopes that a devastating kick to the groin could give his fat self enough time to waddle to safety. Surprisingly caution wasn't needed.
It generally went like this. A parent walking with their screaming monsters would see Santa Claus, and with it a chance to blackmail their kids. They'd bring their spawn over repeating something about behaving because Santa was watching, and didn't they want presents instead of coal? Then when they got closer they'd notice the wide area that surrounded Santa Claus. Christmas shopping is normally shoulder to shoulder but Santa's merrily throbbing member had created a sort of force field of empty space around him that was usually reserved for awestruck club patrons observing a really good dance routine in a shitty movie.
Awestruck they were indeed, faces mingled with horror and outrage. But nothing could come close to what happened with the parents. Their eyes were inevitably glued to their progeny, once in awhile rising to reorient themselves on the red hat and bearded face in the crowd that promised momentary salvation.
Once they arrived they'd say something to the effect of "Now see Timmy, here's Santa and..." their voice would trail off.
For there in dear little Timmy or Susie's face was 10 inches of holiday loving. Now you'd think members of the crowd would try to stop Timmy's mother and her impressionable son from reaching Horny Claus and his massive showing of yuletide love. But some element of crowd psychiatry allowed it to happen. Perhaps they were shocked. Maybe they thought it was none of their business. Maybe they liked the idea of 10 year old boys and 10 inch dildos face to face. Personally I think a few of them just enjoyed the reactions as much as we did.
Usually it was a scream of horror. Then Timmy or Susie would be picked up and protectively held in their screaming mother's bosom. The dildo might as well have been a cobra for the reactions we were getting.
One woman started crying and told Brian that he "needed to get right with G_d". He agreed with her, then suggestively wiggled the dildo and asked her to get on her knees and show him how such a thing should be done. I guess that poor lady learned that prayer isn't always the answer. Tears of sheer joy were running down my cheeks at this point.
Like all good things though, this had to come to an end. According to the timestamp on the camera we were only in the mall for about 4 minutes before Mall Security came after us. We had anticipated this, and the plan was for Brian to run, find a place to hide, then ditch the Santa suit. After he would meet me by the Chick-fil-a.
Brian took off. I recorded his escape. Then I heard the words that sent a chill down my spine.
"Hey that kid with the camera is with him!"
So I took off, camera still rolling. I was desperately trying to find the eject button so I could lose the tape if we got caught, but gave up in favor of watching where I was going.
The chase that ensued I was later told by a friend who had been present was as if "The Keystone cops and Smokey and the Bandit dropped acid together."
Santa Claus running through the mall, what seemed to be his penis bouncing up and down in front of him like a divining rod, followed by a kid with a camera, followed by 5 or 6 portly and elderly mallcops. Screams and children crying.
Fortunately for the sake of added confusion, this was the day an adult State School group was visiting the mall to buy gifts and take a tour of the world of normal people.
Something else I learned that day. Santa Claus excites retarded adults. They're genuinely thrilled to see him. Santa Claus with a dildo confuses them some, but they're still happy to see Santa. But Santa Claus obviously running for his life, hotly pursued by 5 or 6 shouting mallcops angers and enrages them.
Most people when they are angry do normal things. Write a letter to the editor. Beat their dog. Punch the wall.
I heard a scream start up as both Santa and I passed by the group without so much as a Ho Ho Ho. By the time the fun stuff started happening, we were long gone, but the friend who observed the chase told me that apparently retarded adults when angered start hitting their caretakers. And crying. And screaming. And loosing their bowels.
I very much regret not having a second camera just to record all of that. In my head as it was described to me, the song "It's the Most Wonderful Time, of the Year" kept playing over and over. It would have been the perfect background music if we had gotten it on film.
But I left you in media res. The chase was not over. We made it outside through the Dillard's service door exit. Brian had torn off all of his costume save the pants by this time, but like Pitfall Harry we had one last obstacle.
The southwestern states for some reason are all about decorative cactus gardens. In front of us was a large patch of cactus, which was intended to keep the general public (i.e. mallrat goth kids) from congregating near the service door. There is a way through it, but it's a winding path that isn't quite that obvious at night, especially when you're on the run.
Neither of us even stopped to think. Brian plowed right through and I was a few steps behind him.
Then his foot caught on his pants and tripped him. He fell forward into a pile of cactus with a grunt. He started to pick himself up, but the problem was, he was between me and freedom. So I did the only thing I could.
I stepped on his back, pushing him back down into the cactus, and jumped over onto the sidewalk.
Luckily a fear of going to jail and the asswhooping that would bring from his father spurred Brian's back to his feet, and we both sailed away to freedom. In our wake we left several out of breath mall cops, police backup which was apparently called to the scene of a disturbance, and several very upset retarded adults covered in their own waste. Apparently seeing their Christmas hero being chased by "the Man" didn't make for the ideal outing their wranglers envisioned.
As punishment for shoving him back into the cactus I had to pick the cactus needles out of his crotch with his mom's tweezers, he being by this time fully liquored up and too much of a pussy. But the joke was entirely on him. He didn't know I was gay!
User Reviews
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-06-30 16:44:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by TheBrad (user info) at 2008-06-02 11:43:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good clean fun.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2008-06-02 10:46:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Outstanding
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-07 16:17:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh how many countless hours of entertainment this story brings.
Submitted by mnbvc2007 (user info) at 2008-04-09 02:30:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-02-22 11:45:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wiggle my boobies at you for this.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-12-11 12:19:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-03 17:01:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-12-03 15:19:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AWESOME
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2007-11-24 09:25:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I forgot about this story.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-11-19 08:00:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"drunk as I was on the glory of the Lord!"
Why have I never rated this post?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-11-07 04:40:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Respek (user info) at 2007-11-07 04:20:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done.
And thats coming from a man who hates everybody.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-07 03:09:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DasHeer (user info) at 2007-05-25 09:11:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"jokes on him i was gay"
HAHAHAHAHQ
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-05-25 08:45:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha, corn in shit.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-29 15:23:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best. Ending. EVAR.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2006-12-20 00:59:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
all you need is a capture card, dude. i can give you a tutorial to help you with the proper combination of codec, resolution, bitrate, etc.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-12-20 00:36:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jorge_Burrito (user info) at 2006-12-12 01:28:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs link to copy of video.
When I posted this in 2004, it wasn't really a possibility. Now, YouTube exists, so I'll see if I can dig through the VHS tapes back home and find it. No promises though, this was 8 years ago (boy does that make me feel old)
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-12-12 03:45:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GMCrayon (user info) at 2006-12-12 02:23:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Purrrrrrrfect
Submitted by Jorge_Burrito (user info) at 2006-12-12 01:28:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs link to copy of video.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-12-12 01:01:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2006-12-12 00:22:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm REALLY glad someone dug this post up again... Pure gold!
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2006-12-11 23:34:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha...so did you keep that dildo for some later, private times?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-12-11 22:46:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-12-11 22:26:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Parts made me laugh almost to the point of tears!
This was great!
And thanks to you sir, without whom I may have never found this!
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V
Submitted by MisterDevious (user info) at 2006-12-11 21:50:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-10-24 20:41:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol
Submitted by LongestPants (user info) at 2006-10-24 19:44:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-09-21 11:08:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
k promise, I'll finish the salvation army story (not that anyone cares)
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-09 07:35:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-11-09 07:01:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I love you.
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2005-11-08 16:41:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just stumbled upon this bad boy.
AWESOME!
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2005-02-04 22:48:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ridiculously awesome. B@W material. One of my friends had a 10" black rubber cock, with a suction cup. Ill see if I can find the picutre anywhere, and post it on here. It's awesome.
-BongZilla
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-02-04 22:23:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-12-16 08:39:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
I giggled like a retard.
---------------------------
I loosed my bowels like a retard
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-12-27 16:12:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
wow jumped up about 1000 hits. guess I got linked somewhere
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2004-12-27 12:27:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-16 07:30:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
this deserves more than a +2.
Submitted by melkorthedelerious (user info) at 2004-12-27 12:26:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God damn that sounds like some of the shit we used to pull off as kids, but we didn't have the videocam. We had to settle with detailed retellings, and the occasional recreation to prove it had been done.
Note: it is never quite the same the second time with more witnesses.
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2004-12-27 12:09:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was the funniest thing you've written. Awesome!
Submitted by CoreaPeekay (user info) at 2004-12-24 06:17:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy fucking shit on a brick this is the best story I have ever read. Scarred children, shitfaced drunk ghey menz, Mall cops and a santa with a 10 inch peener.
Oh, and there are RETARDS DEFECATING ON THEMSELVES.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT B@W OR DIE!!#@#!@^#*!@&#!@!1
+20000000
Submitted by Walrus_King (user info) at 2004-12-24 05:51:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-21 23:26:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Someone needs to link this to collegehumor.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-12-18 11:02:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For there in dear little Timmy or Susie's face was 10 inches of holiday loving.
+_+_+_+_
This is the best holiday story ever. I'm glad you're writing again.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-12-16 23:50:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-16 23:10:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
63 hints? I'd start listing them, but I'm very tired. But just as a starter...
Hint #1:
It goes in your MOUTH, not in your nose.
eh tired = spelling problems. Jiu Jitsu fucked me up today
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-16 23:10:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
63 hints? I'd start listing them, but I'm very tired. But just as a starter...
Hint #1:
It goes in your MOUTH, not in your nose.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-16 21:51:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's to 70!!!
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-12-16 21:49:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-16 21:19:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually, it was ETS who told me to go rate this. So I guess you owe him... Well, you'll figure something out, I'm sure.
63 hints, Im quite content.
I'll give his girlfriend blowjob lessons or something
Submitted by phertis (user info) at 2004-12-16 21:39:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow... i originally joined just to give that stupid "fuck the nerds" post a -2DIE... but then i came across this gem and my faith in uber was restored...
i am in awe
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-16 21:19:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually, it was ETS who told me to go rate this. So I guess you owe him... Well, you'll figure something out, I'm sure.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-12-16 21:17:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
woohoo! my bump worked! You owe mw a smooch and a night at a fine gay bar, Zoidy!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-16 21:07:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And there.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-16 21:07:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And here.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-16 21:04:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here.
Submitted by Adona (user info) at 2004-12-16 20:01:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"...from reaching Horny Claus and his massive showing of yuletide love."
+2 for this.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-12-16 19:48:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-12-16 19:43:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
This +2 is from my flatmate who read the post and felt she should donate to your "Zoidy needs 60 reviews" fund
woohoo! I'll french her next time I'm in austin.
but sadly I must stop rating myself and leave work now
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-12-16 19:43:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This +2 is from my flatmate who read the post and felt she should donate to your "Zoidy needs 60 reviews" fund
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-12-16 19:43:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
eh fuck it 54 is good enough
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-12-16 19:24:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
51 baby!
Submitted by Harry_Manback (user info) at 2004-12-16 19:22:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This has to be one of the funniest things I've ever read. I fell out of my chair at least 5 times laughing so hard.
Brilliant!
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-12-16 18:40:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-12-16 18:20:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-12-16 17:56:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
woohoo, come on 50!
---------------------------------------------
Allow me to assist.
This was all kinds of Awesome
-Dave
obliged to ya.
Never got 50 reviews before, even if 6 were my own Oh well, 2 more hours and I can leave work. Maybe I can work it up to 60 by then
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-12-16 18:20:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-12-16 17:56:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
woohoo, come on 50!
---------------------------------------------
Allow me to assist.
This was all kinds of Awesome
-Dave
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-12-16 17:56:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
woohoo, come on 50!
Submitted by hopex (user info) at 2004-12-16 17:54:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The fit of the pants made it seem as if some higher power had actually wanted us to keep smoking weed. His name was Julio and he sold out of his 1 bedroom apartment. "
That alone made me just roar out with laughter. It just got better after that.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-12-16 17:53:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahaha. excellent story.
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2004-12-16 17:39:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want a sensimillia claus. That was santastic!!
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-12-16 17:15:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by houseman (user info) at 2004-12-16 17:12:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-12-16 17:00:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-12-16 16:54:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
BAHAHAHAHA.... dildo-riffic
The good part is, I can honestly claim it is the only time I have ever owned a dildo, and considering the gay guys I know, that's saying something.
Did you know they come with suction cups so you can attach them to a wall in the shower or something?
Also they're dishwasher safe, or some are anyway. I have a friend who washes hers in her dishwasher. I don't eat at her place anymore.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-12-16 16:54:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BAHAHAHAHA.... dildo-riffic
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-12-16 16:47:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
or 41 for that matter
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-12-16 16:47:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
and Im just going to flood this a bit because I've never had 40 reviews
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-12-16 16:28:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was dildo-rific!
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-12-16 16:05:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
glad this went off well. When I was writing this at work I didn't think it was so good, but hey, praise from Caesar and all that.
Just gives me incentive to get the salvation army story written and posted now.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-12-16 16:02:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-16 15:51:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:36:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
This.. This is what uber is about..
Submitted by Imessedup (user info) at 2004-12-16 15:44:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YES!
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-12-16 15:40:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks
the sad part (for my hellbound soul at any rate) is that it actually happened. The tape is with Brian somewhere (he claimed he deserved it after the shit he went through)
About the only thing not entirely true is the part about the 15 year olds
I think they were closer to 12
But then Brian later married a 16 year old so its not that odd (apparently you can get parent's permission for that sort of thing)
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-12-16 15:04:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very well done Senor Zoidberg. I owe you an orgasm.
B@W, surely.
Submitted by SkinDiver (user info) at 2004-12-16 14:58:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
incredible
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-12-16 14:39:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Let's see here now.... Santa? Check! Dildo? Check! Mayhem? Check! Young children scarred for life? Check! Retards? Double-check! Teenage Groinal injuries? CHECK! Gay boys? Check!
That's it then.... the perfect Christmas post. This shall replace "Twas the Night Before Christmas" every year from this day forth. Zoidy, I thank you.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-12-16 12:53:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-12-16 12:39:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is amazingly funny.
Submitted by Jambo (user info) at 2004-12-16 12:20:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The title just screams "Read me!"
And the story screams "Read me again!"
Tanfastic story.
Submitted by Kamargo (user info) at 2004-12-16 11:36:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent man, I would like to be there to see al the chaos...
B@W I say, B@W
Submitted by sabotage0 (user info) at 2004-12-16 11:20:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have done well, mortal.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:56:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted to B@W with the following message. I would encourage others to submit this too.
"Seriously, Bart, this is FUNNY AS HELL, and is one of the best written pieces of comedy I've ever read. It's highly descriptive, vivid, and extremely entertaining. I have emailed to my co-workers...'Twould be a travesty not to give it to your B@W audience to see."
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:51:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He didn't know I was gay!
----------------
Oh, Holy Shit! The Stars are brightly SHIIIINING!
This is one of the best written works of comedy I have ever read on this site! This post is an instant classic, and if this doesn't make B@W, I am leaving this site!
GENIUS!
Submitted by redraven (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:41:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:36:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This.. This is what uber is about..
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:26:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best.
Post.
Ever.
Submitted by moonman169 (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:18:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ive feelt the joy of nauty holiday pranks at 1 point.
try bein the easter bunny and leavin little (chocolatey suprises)! =-)
Submitted by Worm (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:04:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If this doesn't get most heated, Uber has failed at life.
Submitted by Ve (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:00:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel so bad for laughing at this.
Almost deviant.
But it was good, very good indeed.
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-12-16 09:56:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
great story
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-12-16 09:48:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The fewer people you have along, the less chance you have of getting caught.
----------------
Why so very few people learn this important life lesson, I'll never quite know.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-12-16 09:41:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Firecrackers started going off in my head. An idea was coming. I knew not what, but I knew it would be exciting. And big.
Something to do with...helping a plucky orphan learn to walk...and...simultaneously learning the true meaning of Christmas
"Hmmmm. You know what this costume needs? A dildo."
Close enough.
-----------------------
Good timing there... I could hear the music building up and up and up, till you say "A Dildo", at which point it immediately stops and cuts to your friend's face and his blank, stoned stare...
...and I am not finished yet. Had to say that before I forgot.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-12-16 09:36:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That kicked so much ass, I'm pretty sure my colon's damaged.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-12-16 09:36:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Santa Claus excites retarded adults. They're genuinely thrilled to see him. Santa Claus with a dildo confuses them some, but they're still happy to see Santa."
This post is pure awesome.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-12-16 09:29:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nothing is funnier than people getting smoked by cacti.
Submitted by hobbs (user info) at 2004-12-16 08:52:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-12-16 08:39:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I giggled like a retard.
Submitted by jojojojoan (user info) at 2004-12-16 08:05:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by girlreporter (user info) at 2004-12-16 07:59:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, you bring in the retards. Excellence.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-12-16 07:57:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'd high five you if i could.
Submitted by Wingfoot (user info) at 2004-12-16 07:36:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by arcane (user info) at 2004-12-16 07:30:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The end is what makes it a heart warming christmas tale. Aparently the town I came from was in trivial pursuit or some game like it for having most churches per sqare mile but it wasnt in the southwest and their sure as hell wenrt any adult shops in our town.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-16 07:30:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this deserves more than a +2.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-12-16 07:08:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-16 07:04:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahahahahaha
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-12-16 07:00:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF I'm not reading all that!
The last line made me fucking wail though...