More Origins of Stupid Phobias: Camping (1552 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.77 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-12-16 10:22:37 EST
As I've been going through my memories of childhood, looking for traumatic events to make light of for a few cheap laughs, I've been amazed at how many of them can be traced back to my Dad.
Nearly every anecdote I have that's a part of the "Why I am the way I am and shouldn't be allowed out of the house without competent supervision" story in some way, at some level, involves Dad. That's not to say he was a bad father, or a bad guy; just the opposite. He's funny, very smart, and larger than life. My Dad is the textbook example of an extrovert. He's a lot of fun. He just doesn't think things all the way through sometimes. He gets these ideas in his head and when the dust clears, everybody is laughing wildly.
Except me. I was usually curled up in the foetal position, whimpering. Like the time he decided to cure my temper tantrums when I was five. He took me to the store and when I inevitably threw myself on the floor, screaming "I wanna lollipop", he gathered twenty people into a circle around me and had them all point and laugh.
It cured the fuck out of the temper tantrums, but the sound of people laughing still makes my blood run cold.
Anyway, that's not the story I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you about the last time he took us camping.
Here's the scene: Mum, Dad, the three kids. We're in a camping ground in the pine forests of SouthWest Western Australia. The river is filling the air with that dark, mossy scent, the sun is going down, the kookaburras are singing the day to sleep. The campfire is high, and the yellow glow is bright all the way to the tents. (That's not aimless wittering, by the way; that's important later. The kookaburra thing was aimless wittering. See the small but crucial difference? I thought so.)
Dad is telling us campfire stories. And here is where I switch back to past tense because present tense makes my head hurt.
Dad was telling us campfire stories. Well, he was telling us *a* campfire story. Well, no. He was trying to scare the hell out of us.
"And then when they thought the bear had gone, they crept out of the tent to see how much of their food he'd eaten." (This said in a low voice - my Dad, the born storyteller.) "They crept to the car, hardly making any noise, because they wanted to get out of there before the bear came back. And just.... as.. they... got.. to.. the.. car.... RRRROOOOAAARRRRRR the bear jumped out and grabbed them!"
We jumped and screamed when Dad roared savagely. By 'we', I mean my sister and brother and myself. And my Mum. Years of living with Dad's frequent exploits into "This'll be funny! Watch her jump!" had worn her nerves the way dripping water will wear down a rock. (To be totally honest, it was closer to the way dripping water will wear down jelly crystals.)
"And that happened just over there, at the other side of the campsite."
We stared into the forbidding darkness until Dad clapped his hands, once. "Right! Off to bed, then. Sleep well."
The three of us crawled into the kids' tent and stared at the flickering yellow light on the side. We talked for a bit, the way kids do, and started to drift off to sleep.
There was a sound. It was the sound something makes when it's not trying to walk quietly, because it isn't afraid of anything.
My sister jumped. "Did you hear that?"
"Of course I did."
"It might be the bear." This from my brother. Years of living with his sisters had worn his nerves the way... yeah, you get it.
"Shut up, gonad. There's no bear. And stop opening your mouth, you make it smell in - "
One of the shadows moving on the side of the tent detached from the others and RACED toward us. It reared up and thrust out its arms and roared.
We screamed. We screamed long, and we screamed loud. Ironically, we were screaming for Dad to come and help us.
When the screaming stopped and all that was left was the soft sound of my brother's sniffling sobs (heh. alliteration) we could hear, just outside, my Dad laughing hard enough to send small animals scuttling for cover.
When Mum gave him a serve for inflicting some poor therapist with the burden of his children in later years, we could clearly hear Dad's response:
"Oh, come on. They know there are no bears in Australia."
The fucked thing is, we did know that.
We still refused to go camping ever again.
User Reviews
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-02-22 13:12:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-12-17 03:25:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh heh heh... I'm glad you mentioned there are no bears in Australia, I was starting to think that I'd somehow been transported into a bizarre parallel universe.
Also, everyone should watch the movie "Project Grizzly". Now. What are you waiting for?
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-16 22:48:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, Stin, I *know* you're not trying to move in on my action or anything.
We seriously need to have a massive Uber-lesbian orgy and film it. Then we can sell the resulting debauchery-filled footage and make millions.
*crickets*
*bear*
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-16 20:14:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Caulaincourt - I was so busy swooning from the very idea of your manliness that I wasn't able to respond earlier... seriously, though, if I ever saw a bear, I'd just fall down and sob like a little bitch.
Snark - Dear god, man! Watch yourself! Those stuffed animals are more dangerous than you'd think. (Damned alkie whore.)
ETS - Hehehe. My new parenting technique. Thanks, man.
Apollo - They've all been very carefully interbred and trained to only kill tourists. Aussies are safe.
Submitted by general-pimpmaster (user info) at 2004-12-16 16:18:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by houseman (user info) at 2004-12-16 16:10:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good story circe
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-12-16 16:10:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2004-12-16 15:57:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
as always, great story...
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-12-16 14:33:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That picture is awesome!
Good stuff.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2004-12-16 14:26:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"kookaburras?"
In America, we call those "blacks."
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-12-16 14:15:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If anyone knows the Death Metal growl, it comes in very useful with dogs! All you have to do is growl, spread your arms wide to look impressive, and start running toward them. They will run everytime, guaranteed! Them and children.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-12-16 14:13:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If I ever encountered a bear, I'd just stand on my tippy toes so I was taller, then I'd growl my best death metal growl (scary Glen Benton calibre shit), and that would surely intimidate the bear and cause them to drop their wallets and run....stupid bears!
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-12-16 13:47:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I once went nose to nose with a Wolverine. I barred my teeth at it then turned around, dropped my pants, bent over and dared it to take a bite.
I was drunk and in a pub and it was stuffed but I still think that makes me pretty damned brave.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-16 13:38:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:59:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Bears aren't scary, you silly australian. Well at least, not black ones. Each time I came face to face with one they ran away like wimps. Which I must say I'm glad they did because fighting the urge not to run away myself (real bad idea -- makes you look like a prey) was pretty hard. I'd be more worry about all that venomous shit that crawls everywhere around your weird ass country.
I know the point of this post wasn't really about bears. But I wanted to tell I encountered some to look badass. Did I succeed?
-------------------------------------------------
yes. yes you did.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-12-16 12:22:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
apparently not :~(
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-16 12:11:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-12-16 11:46:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I started laughing with, "Why I am the way I am and shouldn't be allowed out of the house without competent supervision" and didn't stop.
Thanks, again.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-12-16 11:33:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I need to post about my dad, again.
This was great.
I love you.
In an etirely cheap and sexual manner.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-12-16 11:31:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree,
Summin' summin' summin' something day!
Laugh, Kookaburra! Laugh, Kookaburra!
Something something day!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:59:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bears aren't scary, you silly australian. Well at least, not black ones. Each time I came face to face with one they ran away like wimps. Which I must say I'm glad they did because fighting the urge not to run away myself (real bad idea -- makes you look like a prey) was pretty hard. I'd be more worry about all that venomous shit that crawls everywhere around your weird ass country.
I know the point of this post wasn't really about bears. But I wanted to tell I encountered some to look badass. Did I succeed?
Submitted by Koala_sausage (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:53:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
coz your a fellow aussie!!
dont get the thing about the 'way aussie girls call their mother's mum'
why? what do you call your mother???? not 'mummy' i hope! :D
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:47:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha! Nice cartoon.
I can relate to having a psycho dad who gets a huge boot out of scaring his kids. Once, when I was about 13, I was at a neighbor's house babysitting their 7 year old son. My dad called and said, "I just wanted to let you know about this alert I just saw on the news. They said that a murder suspect escaped from the county jail a little while ago, and they haven't caught him yet. Lock all the doors and windows and stay inside." I was kind of freaked out, naturally, so I started walking around the house making sure everything was locked. When I went in the kitchen, I noticed that the window was open, so I went to close it. When I got up to the window, I saw a dark figure in a hooded jacket crouched just under the window by the bushes. I screamed bloody murder and jumped behind the counter. Then I heard my dad hooting with laughter. He stood up and took the hood off and said "Gotcha!"
I didn't speak to him for a week.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:47:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stin, Circe, and I in a tent... Sounds like a laugh! When's best for you two?
(See that there? Subtle, that...)
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:46:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahaha
I'm gonna tell my kids stories about Kookaburras!
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:45:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There aren't bears in Aus?
Wait... I knew that already didn't I?
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:45:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
you could not pay me enough to go camping in australia...thye have big ass spiders that can jump 10 feet...and they usually do....directly onto your face.
Submitted by moonman169 (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:31:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
dude WHAT THA FUCK!?!?
GET OUT MORE
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:31:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story, and great picture
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:31:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You would have to pay £1,000,000 to camp in australia.
CAMP?
In OZ?
Ermm HELLO! Spiders, snakes, crocodiles, abos.
Dangerous out there.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:30:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the cute way Australian girls refer to their mother's as "mum."
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-12-16 10:26:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, I think I may love you.
In a kinda lesbian kinda way.
Wanna go camping with me sometime?