Donkey's Top Ten: Things To Consider When Becoming A Cripple (1482 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: Top10
Rating: 1.78 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (View user info) at 2004-12-17 11:22:21 EST
Everyone wants to live in the lap of luxury, I don't care how non-materialistic you think you are. You wouldn't be shunning any servants or anyone else that would wait on you hand and foot. The problem is, how can you sustain that type of lifestyle while assembling square hamburgers at Wendy's for the rest of your life? Well, you are in luck. I have found out a way to become comfortable even on your minimum wage income.
Become a cripple.
I like to call it the poor man's way to instant pampering. Think about it. Cripples get everything done for them and some even get workers compensation if it happened at work. Now, before you go run in front of a bus or lay your legs across some train rails, there are some things you have to consider. This is where I come in. This is another installment of Donkey's top ten tacular things you should consider before becoming a cripple. I will outline some of the pros and cons for you now.
10) Being deaf: Maybe not the first thing you think about when you think cripple, but it's still a disability and affords you some comforts. I can't really think of any right now, except you can play dumb when the cops are questioning you about the dead Cambodian family in your living room. How are you supposed to know what happened, you are deaf and couldn't here their blood curdling screams from whomever dragged them into your house while you were sleeping and hacked them in to delicious bite sized chunks. I also can't think of how to make yourself deaf other than strap on those head phones and turn it up to eleven. Make sure its not country music, or else you will inadvertently give yourself another disability I will discuss later.
9) Blind yourself: Relatively easy to do anywhere, so this is a real good one for workers comp. Work got you down? Splash some grease from the fryalator in your eyes. BAM! Ronald MacDonald is paying your way to Mercedes for not providing proper eye protection. So what if you can't drive it? Or can you.... Just look at the movie See No Evil, Hear No Evil. Richard Prior drove that car just fine and with hilarious consequences. Plus you can just play the sob story for all the ladies of how you miss the open road and the only thing that can console you is a pair of open legs.
(Bonus: You also get a kick ass dog.)
8) Develop a psychosis: People can usually tell when you are faking, so you are going to have to go full out on this one. Your best bet is to get dusted up and listen to the aforementioned country music. It will make you want to commit murder death kill all over the place. The tricky part is keeping it under control. You will notice people being overly nice and speaking to you in a falsetto voice. Make angry grunts when you are trying to do something and someone will rush over to complete the task for you. They don't want to take the chance of you going on a killing spree with a wire coat hanger and a stick of gum just because you can't tie your shoes.
7) Give yourself OCD: This one takes a lot of effort, but the payoff can be huge. Just remind yourself that when you do something once, do it fifteen more times. People won't want to be part of your involuntary epilepsy inducing light switch raves or watch your TV that is permanently on scan mode. They will eventually do everything for you rather than watch you struggle with that jar of pickles as you try and organize them by height and girth.
6) Become homeless: Ok, so its not really a disability, but it sure can work to your advantage. People look at the homeless as scum, I look at them as innovators. The ones in Boston have it made. The city (and the "commonwealth") is full of bleeding heart liberals that would rather shell out a dollar each and every time they pass them instead of funding a homeless shelter. Don't be fooled by them, these guys make upwards of $26k a year. The best part is, its all profit. No taxes, no child support, no car payment. I have yet to see a bum in Boston without a T pass. Put two and two together. How can a bum afford a monthly train pass? Shouldn't he be spending it on booze and taquitos? Nah, because he has twelve grand in his ass. If you need a warm place to sleep, steal something and get caught. Beantown's holding cells are plush and they give you breakfast.
5) Loose a hand: Make sure its your dominate hand, too. You can play the part of the new amputee and scream about phantom pains while they pump you full of hydrocodone. Go out to the bars and play up your story, maybe something like how you lost your hand saving a puppy from and alligator while vacationing in Florida. Say that even if you lost your other hand, you would do it again just to see that little guy be reunited with his owners. You will get tons of free drinks from the ladies and also notice the growing wet spots from them thinking about jumping your chivalrous bones.
4) Being a paraplegic: That's the shit right there. If you work for a construction company, you are a prime candidate for this disability. Take a tragic fall off of a ladder or second story roof and you are set for life my friend. You'll be able to finally get one of those chairs that Dean Kamen invented that climb stairs and have a hydraulic lift in it. Them you can get a live in nurse to sponge bathe you and turn you over so you don't get bed sores like that pussy Christopher Reeve. I mean, come on. There are plenty of quadriplegics that survive, he was just a douche bag and gave up. Or ran out of money. God I hate that guy.
3) Amputated legs: Yes, I know its like losing your hand, but its way cooler. People revere you when you haven't any legs. The automagically assume you were in some tragic accident that you didn't deserve to be in and lost your legs. I like to call it cosmetic amputation. You can only be more bad ass if you actually go out into the ocean in one of those shark cages and let a shark gnaw off your legs just above the knee. Make sure your friend has the video camera rolling from the deck of the boat so he can capture to blood spreading in the water and your mangled legs as you are pulled out of the water. Send it into Real TV and get a bonus fifteen minutes of fame. Let the free beer and pity fucks begin.
2) Quadriplegic mania, catch it: This road is not for the faint of heart. You can be set up for life if you give Steven Segal a call and have him break your neck for fifty three cents. Assuming that you don't die, you are in the ultimate lap of luxury. People will do things for you without you even asking. Sure, you'll never get laid again, but that con is far outweighed by the pro of having a masterfully trained monkey assistant. Think about it. A monkey that does your bidding, be it get you a tissue or TiVO your porn, is the most bad assed thing in the world. Please, if you become a quadriplegic with a monkey, you must let me know if he wipes your ass for you. If he does, play a joke on him and tell him to wipe your ass, then shit in his little monkey hand and have him throw it at unwanted Mormons or Jehovah's Witnesses. I don't know about you, but the though of surprising a monkey by dropping a spike in his little monkey paw cracks me up. Just before he washes his hands before feeding you your grapes.
1) Become Steven Hawkings: If you become a quadriplegic, buy a laptop. Then all you have to do is have your monkey type into the Microsoft Sam function and you can spout off nonsensical theorems and hypothesis. People will think you are such a genius because you are cripple and have this wonder monkey that can type. Let the book deals and the authorized biography royalties roll into your off shore account and gain the optimal 3.2 percent interest. Congratulations, you are set for life.
No need to thank me, I'm just providing a public service.
DONK.
User Reviews
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-12-20 11:38:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, you have everything worked out.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-12-17 15:32:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok that didn't make sense.
Never mind the thought was there.
Beer & Keyboard = Fuckups.
-Dave
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-12-17 15:30:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-17 15:03:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
No. It is detergent. She was on the phone doing some sexy talking and someone said
"you're a dirty bitch! take this and wash yourself!"
and they threw detergent on her face.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-17 15:14:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Donkey.
You are a god.
I worship you and the golden idol of y...
Wait...
Hold on Jesus, I'm talking to Donkey here.
OK, where was I?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-17 14:22:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wait. pajama day is sunday?
I really don't have any cute pajamas. Maybe I will have to make some from
tissue paper
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-12-17 14:19:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
within the context of your usual stuff, it barley gets the +1
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-17 14:15:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*diligently takes notes*
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-12-17 14:11:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Doesn't everyone organize their pickle jars?
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-12-17 14:09:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-17 13:00:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Creep... uh am I expected to wear less than clothes?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uh, yeah. It's a Playboy Mansion Party. Everyone's wearing lingerie.
I can't wait for you to see my jammies.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-12-17 13:33:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Blue parking spot, ahoy!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-17 13:00:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Creep... uh am I expected to wear less than clothes?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-17 12:54:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA!
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-12-17 12:46:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-12-17 12:16:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
AJ, I beleive I have made it perfectly clear that I don't care about anyone else's problems because that is just what they are, someone else's problems. Don't come in here saying how I don't know you or what you've been through because honestly, I don't. I'm not even going to click your link, so just leave this thread and feel free to comment on another.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-12-17 12:05:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stephen Hawking's niece went to my college.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-17 12:02:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm terribly sorry for ruining your streak, Lee. Here, have a +2.
I'm sorry I didn't find this post amusing, but if you even knew the slightest bit about me you'd know why I -2ed it.
In short: fuck you, cockbreath.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/27899
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-17 12:02:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If this wasn't so gawddamned funny, I'd -2 you for all of the grammatical errors. But it was, so I shall merely give you a funny look and a +2.
*funny look*
*+2*
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-12-17 11:57:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. I just realized how ghey that sounded.
To all those that took my last comment as that of a homo-fag, be advised: I was referring to the Xmas-Con that will be at the Creep abode the day after the birthday of the baby Jebus. And before you even think it, yes there will be women there. Women in nighties, teddies, and panties, oh my.
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2004-12-17 11:56:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
indeed
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-12-17 11:54:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe how awesome that hat looks. I totally should have bought one too. That's okay. My pajamas will be infinitely cooler than yours.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-12-17 11:48:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
except you can play dumb when the cops are questioning you about the dead Cambodian family in your living room
didnt need to read any more to +2
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-12-17 11:45:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck you AJ, you fag. Go hit on your boyfriend at the flower shop again.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-12-17 11:42:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know Ive done at least two or three of these
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-12-17 11:37:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should change your external name to P. Donkey P Diddy aint got shit homeslice haha
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-12-17 11:33:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I'll try one of these...right after lunch. Thanks for the tips!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-17 11:33:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-12-17 11:32:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Big Pimpin'
Dude, you're sick!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-12-17 11:30:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You never cease to amaze me with your talent and creativity.
Too fucking funny.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-17 11:29:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll do whatever I have to if it means getting a trained monkey.
A trained midget would be even better.
I would name him Lester.
B@W!!!!
That's an awesome picture of you, you sexay thang!
B@W B@W
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2004-12-17 11:26:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool read, Nice pimp hat there huggy bear.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-12-17 11:26:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, I can't even get past 10 I am laughing so hard.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-12-17 11:25:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck man? Donkey has turned into Letterman with more detail!
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-12-17 11:25:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FIRST BITCHES.