Dear Santa (848 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.7 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ess2s2 (View user info) at 2004-12-17 16:01:42 EST
Dear Santa,
Jeepers, has it been a whole year already? It seems like just yesterday that I wrote asking you for a Pirate's Cove Lego set. Anyway, someone just told me that you always know when we've been naughty or nice. How did I let this detail slip by me? Well, now that I'm armed with this new information, I figured it would be a terrible waste of paper to ask you for stuff since you probably already know what I want anyway. So, as it is, this letter is more of a statement on where we stand with one another.
Santa Claus, I'm angry with you. It's not about last Christmas, trust me, socks and underwear I can handle. It's not even about all that "Christmas in July" stuff which, really, is just about the dumbest thing ever. No, this is about how you treated me at the mall the other day. Now, I know that you're a busy guy and crunch-time is upon you, but that's no reason to cop an attitude. Every year I look forward to seeing you at the Central West Mall. This year was no different. I couldn't wait as I stood in line, laughing with the other kids about the loser crop of elves you had brought down with you this year. After hours of waiting, it was finally my turn, but as I looked into your face, I knew something was wrong. Santa, when you told me I was too old to be sitting on your lap, it broke my heart. I was so upset, I could barely drive home. You know, maybe you were just having an off-day or something, maybe Mrs. Claus forgot to give you a good-bye kiss at the north pole, I don't know. At any rate, I figured what with you being so mean to me, and me being rather, well, naughty this year, we could strike up an arrangement.
Here's the deal big guy, you bring me what I want for Christmas, and not only will I clean up my act, but I won't go around telling everybody what a lousy person you are. Heck, ask Jesus he'll tell you, reputation is everything. Plus, just to make sure you don't try anything funny, I'm gonna go ahead and keep good old Rudolph company until you "deliver." I gotta hand it to that reindeer though, he's crafty. I found him hiding in a petstore. Sure, the receipt says "gerbil" but I know it's him, I can see it in his eyes. So just keep that in mind, if I don't get what I want, Rudolph's gonna have a very foggy Christmas eve.
Now, as for what I want, I'm sure you already know, but at this point, I'm not taking any chances. I want a G.I. Joe River Attack Boat, one of those office toys where the balls clack back and forth, a Hot Wheels Gas 'n Go Garage playet, a 60-inch flatscreen plasma HDTV television, a Super Nintendo Entertainment System, and a Remington 700 tactical bolt-action rifle with a composite stock, 3 1/2 pound trigger pull, custom polished breech, and a 10x Gen III night-vision scope with a Mil-Spec olive-green sighting reticle. That'll show those bastards in accounting.
I hope this letter finds you in good health, and I look forward to seeing you on Christmas day.
Love,
Jimmy Webber
P.S. Don't forget my Pirate Cove Lego set or I'll use Rudolph to sight in my new scope. :)
User Reviews
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-17 19:12:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.ubersite.com/m/54609
Fuck Wizards, Gnomes get what they want because they earned it.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-12-17 17:20:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this.
-Dave
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2004-12-17 17:15:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Tom
Ranking: -2
The hell have you been?
Not here. Your next logical question would probably be why?
The answer lies in one of your own comments.
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Submitted by Tom
Ranking: -2
I'm sorry. I actually have no idea why I gave you a -2. It's become a habit. I hardly find myself +2ing anything anymore.
Oh, hey Tom, how ya doin? I'm fine. Just pluggin' along you know. I thought this post would be right up Uber's alley. Happy reading.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-12-17 17:05:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Weed is fun to fight cancer with.
I'm just doing my duty.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-12-17 17:05:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ahahahahah, I crack me up.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-12-17 17:04:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry. I actually have no idea why I gave you a -2. It's become a habit. I hardly find myself +2ing anything anymore.
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2004-12-17 16:49:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow Tom, thanks for the -2. It wasn't on my wish list, but you gave me one anyway. I'm touched.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-12-17 16:41:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
The hell have you been?
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2004-12-17 16:18:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SNES. har har. mario is missing = gayest game ever. nice post
Submitted by Jaytexmich (user info) at 2004-12-17 16:17:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was me at the mall you bastard. You hurt my knees, and gave me shin splints. I'm telling your wife.
--Jason.
Submitted by Academy (user info) at 2004-12-17 16:16:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/54602
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-12-17 16:11:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-17 16:07:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...
wtf?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-17 16:03:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stop! This is the police!
Put the turkey baster down and step away from the reindeer.
Easy easy...