Drunk, Alien-Controlled, Dirty, Naked Skateboarding Gone Awry (1953 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 2 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Zod (View user info) at 2004-12-17 22:18:21 EST
Turning my head slowly towards my friends, I grinned stupidly. They all giggled and smiled back, acting like 5 year olds; really, really drunk 5 year olds. Oh, and some were stoned too. Our drunken asses were leaning against the back wall of the Morton Township Indoor Skate Park. Not wanting to go inside until we were completely hammered, the five of us sat outside in the cold, waiting for the Jager and Jack Daniels to kick in.
"You bitches ready to rock?!" I scream.
I'm answered with high fives all around, most missing my outstretched hand and slapping me in the face. With that, we stagger inside, boards in hand.
For some reason, we had decided that skating while shit-faced would be a good idea. God only knows why. So once inside, we do the only thing 5 drunken guys know how to do. We start challenging each other.
One friend challenges another to do an 850 toe flip boardslide bunny hopper. He does it...barely. Another friend challenges his companion to complete a polly-wally-doodle triple salcow half crunch, and he also completes his task. (Yeah, I uh, I don't know anything about skateboarding. This is all made up. Enjoy.)
So not wanting to look like a pussy, well, more of a pussy, in front of my friends, I grit my teeth and get ready to perform my task.
"Alright Matt, lay it on me. Whaddya want me ta do?" I slur.
"Ok bro, here's whatcha need to do." Matt is clearly the drunkest out of all of us. This isn't good. "You're gonna put on this mask and rail slide all the way across the arena."
With that, he takes a big green alien mask from his pants, seemingly pulled from his anus. He plops the wet, warm plastic in my hand. Apparently he had it inside the underwear, not out. The bastard.
"Izz that all ya got?" I taunt for some reason, even though rail-grinding was going to be fairly difficult while totally blind.
"Oh no," he winks, first with one eye, then the other. "You gotta go jump in the pile of dirt behind the arena first."
What purpose this was going to serve, I had no idea. But I was too full of alcohol and of pride, so I obliged. After running out back, diving head first into the pile of half frozen dirt, and then running back inside, Matt gives me the final task of my trick challenge.
"Bro, you gotta do that shit naked!"
Once again, too drunk to fight or to care, I happily oblige. I quickly remove all my clothes and hop on my board before security has a chance to kick me out. My friends take a moment to laugh at my bitch tits and the "Natural Snack" tattoo I had on my stomach. I was high on cat tranquilizers...it seemed like a cool idea at the time.
And then, with a slap on the ass from Matt, I was off! I shakily headed my board towards the rail, quickly gaining speed. The small eyes slits of the mask allow just enough visibility for me to actually have a chance of pulling off the trick. Faster and faster I go, approaching the rail.
Uh oh, the motion sickness and booze got to me. Without being able to hold it in, I projectile vomited into the mask. The foul liquid sloshed around the mask and into my eyes, blinding me. I let out a scream just as I hit the ramp, hurling me into the air. With my eyes closed, there was no way I could possibly land this trick.
The last thought I had before crotch met metal was how much pussy this trick woulda got me if I had landed it. Then my mind is wiped clean as my testicles are slammed into my throat. I hear them bounce off the inside of my skull just before I lose consciousness.
Fortunately, my friend managed to get a snapshot right at impact. That was the last second of my life when my testicles weren't made out of plastic and Styrofoam composite. They look real though, you can barely tell. I swear. The taste, however, is another story. Or so I've been told.
User Reviews
Submitted by mattwoody27 (user info) at 2005-05-20 14:58:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man that story is one of the funniest stories i have ever read and welldone for coming up with it. It deserves all the praise it can get
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-19 20:46:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-12-17 22:41:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
I hd a red and a blue finger monster. The only green one came when I stuck my finger too far up my nose and was an elastic consistancy. Then it snapped back and hit me in the eye with all of its salty, slimy goodness. Then I scraped it off my face and fed it to my dog. Then I made out with my dog because its a girl dog and her tongue feels really cool on mine. It was also a bit salty. And it kind of tasted like blood. I think shes in heat.
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AAAAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Adona (user info) at 2004-12-18 16:21:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great picture. Great story.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-12-18 11:40:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-12-18 11:26:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I just wrote the post about the random picture, to answer your question.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-12-18 06:26:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's the +2 you were after with your title.
(No shit, this was funny as hell. In a very sick way.)
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-12-18 05:39:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2004-12-18 03:17:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh Holy Crap. Did you write the post about the picture, or make the picture about the post?
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-12-18 02:23:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
reads very well, very droll
the technical judges are also impressed by the 'confession that the story is made up' manoevre.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-12-17 23:13:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pain.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-17 22:58:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well done.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-12-17 22:41:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hd a red and a blue finger monster. The only green one came when I stuck my finger too far up my nose and was an elastic consistancy. Then it snapped back and hit me in the eye with all of its salty, slimy goodness. Then I scraped it off my face and fed it to my dog. Then I made out with my dog because its a girl dog and her tongue feels really cool on mine. It was also a bit salty. And it kind of tasted like blood. I think shes in heat.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-17 22:37:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I swear to god I think I still have one of those around here somewhere...
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2004-12-17 22:31:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hee hee hee
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-12-17 22:24:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THE GREEN FINGER MONSTER THING! I had one of those, it fucking ruled...I was an easily amused kid, OK?!