Where is Jesus? (843 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1.29 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JudasCloud (View user info) at 2004-12-18 10:25:52 EST
If Christ did return, how would we know? What would he look like? Would he be cool or just another asshole offering me Sunday brunch to get me to convert to Christianity? Who knows?
With these questions in mind, I set out on a project to find the truth about the upcoming return of our lord. Filtering through a lot of gibberish and boring information, a few key points were extracted from a fiction novel that was in my mom's nightstand.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"For The Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the archangel's call, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first; then we who are alive, who are left, shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet The Lord in the air." (1 Thessalonians 4:16-17 RSV)
1. Jesus will come back to life
2. Jesus will fly around
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"And with bright yellow aura will he fall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven, and then all the tribes of the earth will mourn, and they will see the Son of man coming on the clouds of heaven with power and great strength." (Matthew 24:29-31 RSV)
1. Jesus will have a bright yellow aura around him
2. Jesus will be ripped and powerful
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Then TheLord will go forth and fight against those nations as when He fights on a day of battle." (Zechariah 14:3-5)
1. Jesus will love to fight.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"On that day the Mount of Olives shall be split in two from east to west by a very wide valley; so that one half of the Mount shall withdraw northward, and the other half southward; and you shall flee as you fled from the earthquake in the days of Uzziah king of Judah." (Zechariah 14:3-5)
2. Jesus will create widespread panic through geographical disasters and earthquakes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In conclusion: Jesus will come, fly around with a yellow aura around him, fight all the time, and in doing so creating giant holes in the terrain with his super powers.
I can only think of one thing that fits this description:
Christ will return as none other than Super Saiyan Jesus.
Yes, I was shocked at first too. No one could have known that Jesus was returning as a saiyan. I sure didn't, but it makes sense. Who else could regulate the earth with justice while still being ruthless and powerful enough to fire giant balls of energy at those who pissed him off? Amazing, isn't it?
User Reviews
Submitted by Naery (user info) at 2004-12-21 02:02:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
douchebag
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-12-19 08:16:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
OMG TEh PlAgIArIsM!!!!!11111oneoneone
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-12-19 03:24:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
DBZ + Badly Done Religion Joke = -2.
I'm all for jokes about the bible an' stuff, but DBZ is just plain WRONG.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-12-19 02:36:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow, a plagerising hitwhore.....
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2004-12-18 18:49:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Duuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-12-18 18:06:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
auto hitwhoring neg 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-12-18 16:18:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
FUCK
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-12-18 16:18:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
YOU
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-12-18 16:18:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
For
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-12-18 16:18:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Linkwhoring
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-12-18 16:18:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
To
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-18 16:18:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Hi Fetish.
Bye Fetish.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-12-18 16:17:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
UberMadness
Submitted by AlkalineSolo (user info) at 2004-12-18 14:41:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I instantly recognised ninjapirate
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-12-18 14:31:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus is lost, I have proof.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/51604
-Dave
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2004-12-18 14:29:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
A little sloppy, but pretty funny. There's something about the notion of Jesus coming back as a musclebound badass with superpowers that I find amusing.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-12-18 14:05:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Fetish
Submitted by DarkTemplarDM (user info) at 2004-12-18 12:38:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ninjapirate.com/returnofjesus.html
coincidence or plagiarism?
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-12-18 11:28:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
JESUS is in SAPCE, watching you with the ROBO ALIENS OF GOLGOMAX 12!
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2004-12-18 11:20:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
If he was up your ass eating a ham and cheese sandwich, you'd know where he is!
BWAHAHAHA!
F.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-12-18 11:06:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus lives in Toledo and I have seen him:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/39081
Submitted by Academy (user info) at 2004-12-18 10:31:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Yes, yes i do.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-12-18 10:29:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Found Jesus?
If nobody claims Him in thirty days, He's yours to keep!
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-12-18 10:28:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
What the fuck is with all this dragonball Z shit, fetish? You study up on it to aid you in luring small children onto your property?