Meanest Joke Ever (1542 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.97 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jambo (View user info) at 2004-12-18 15:31:11 EST
They say pictures can tell a thousand words. But sometimes all you need is one.
She handed me a photo, faced down with writing on the back of it and walked away. No words were exchanged, but my look of curiosity pierced her as she put her head down and left. She had old blue jeans on with a t-shirt and a dirty Red Sox hat backwards, and cocked to the side. I never did like the Red Sox, but she gave me no time to make small talk. I put the picture in my pocket, thinking it was just an artistic view of the sunset...she was always good at trying to be the perfect catch, who looked a bit to far into unimportant things just to make you wish you knew more about her.
I walked across the room and sat at a table with a few friends. They immediately jumped all over me, trying to get me to share the picture with them, but I figured it wasn't a good idea. She stood with her friends, and they all glanced over at me, snickering like high school girls talking shit before a confrontation.
I would look over every few seconds, stunned by her simple but beautiful fashion, and itched to pull the picture out of my pocket and see what she had given me...it seemed somewhat important. So I made my way over to an empty part of the house, away from the party. I dug into my pocket, throwing the Chapstick and car keys out of the way, looking for the only cure for my curiosity. My hands grazed over the glossy paper, and I pulled it out, and read the back first. All it said was "Finally". I didn't know what to make of it, so before turning it over, I looked up and saw her standing right in front of me. She had an anxious grin on her face and nodded to me, as if to say, "it's ok...you can look".
I slowly rotated the picture, looking her straight in the eyes. She started to blush a little bit...I had made sure to be super melodramatic about it. She always loved that.
There, on the side of the paper that would have a picture, was just black, with more writing. I looked at her again, confused. She nodded again.
"I'm tired of being ordinary and predictable. Life is too short to follow the rules, and not long enough to break them all. We grow up to fast, and grow old too slow. Sometimes things happen so quickly that I don't have time to take in everything around me and appreciate the moment, and sometimes they're so slow that I'm bored by my surroundings. I'm tired of looking back and having regrets."
There was more writing, but I stopped to look at her, and she put her hand out and grabbed mine. The last line seemed like it was going to be the most moving thing I had ever read, so she was bracing me for it. I smiled and put my head back down at the paper.
"Thank you for helping me make my decision."
I pulled my head back up and saw her about to break out in either laughter or tears. She was on the edge of every emotion, and any quick movement would have pushed her over the edge. She nodded again.
"I'm getting a sex change."
I almost fell over. "What the fuck?!?! You've got to be kidding me!" She just smiled, and walked away. I stood there, frozen for almost ten minutes. I thought back at all the things we had done since we got together, and I didn't know what could have possibly triggered this. I was a good boyfriend...I took her where ever she wanted to go, and gave her everything she wanted. I don't think I was that bad in bed...I mean, I had my moments...but doesn't everyone?
Now I was on the edge. I didn't know whether to cry, laugh, or go fuck her brains out one last time to try and change her mind. Before I could decide how I felt, she walked back up to me with another picture in her hands. This time she gave it to me face up.
It was a black and white photo of her kissing another girl...passionately. Hair flowing everywhere, hands twisted together...hardcore shit. She stood on her tippy toes, put her hand behind my head, and kissed me hard. It was the textbook goodbye kiss...the kind of thing you'd see in Saved By the Bell if it weren't so PG-13. As she lowered her heels back to the ground, I let my hand fall from her hair, to her lower back. She bit my bottom lip, kissed me on the neck and walked away, confident as ever.
I turned the photo around just to see if she had given me anything to hold onto before she went from beautiful 21 year old denim princess, into flannel wearing construction working ex-lesbian/ex-girlfriend. Sure enough, there was writing. I looked across the room one more time to see her, and she had her head down. It looked like she was crying. I furiously read the last word I'd ever see or hear from her again.
"Kidding."
User Reviews
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-19 19:06:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-12-19 12:06:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-19 00:54:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
I won't ruin the streak, but listen to Donkey's wise words.
Except for the part where he spelled 'etiquette' wrong.
___________________________________________
This is why I type posts out in word first. Besides, it's not my falt I'm huked on fonics.
Submitted by standardeviant (user info) at 2004-12-19 07:40:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I see the picture? Good post.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-12-19 07:11:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jambo (user info) at 2004-12-19 01:19:32 (#)
Ranking: -2
I really only +2'd myself cause I didn't wanna break the streak...I wasn't sure if it would detract from my rating or not, so I wasn't about to test it. I just thought it'd be cool to swing a perfect rating as long as I could. (Especially on my first post in a very long time.) It's selfish...I know.
It's also good to know that I shouldn't reveal any possibility of fiction. If I could take that back, I would. The +2 though, that's just learning experiance.
Thanks for the advice.
I'll even out the +2, with a -2. It's not the same, but what the heck? I'm over it.
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Your own ratings don't count, so you don't even have to think about it.
P.S. Donkey, you're a dumbass. Who the fuck mispells etiquette? Weasel piss drinkin' motherfucker.
Submitted by Jambo (user info) at 2004-12-19 01:19:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I really only +2'd myself cause I didn't wanna break the streak...I wasn't sure if it would detract from my rating or not, so I wasn't about to test it. I just thought it'd be cool to swing a perfect rating as long as I could. (Especially on my first post in a very long time.) It's selfish...I know.
It's also good to know that I shouldn't reveal any possibility of fiction. If I could take that back, I would. The +2 though, that's just learning experiance.
Thanks for the advice.
I'll even out the +2, with a -2. It's not the same, but what the heck? I'm over it.
Submitted by Rebel (user info) at 2004-12-19 01:13:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-12-19 00:59:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-19 00:54:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I won't ruin the streak, but listen to Donkey's wise words.
Except for the part where he spelled 'etiquette' wrong.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-12-19 00:06:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cute
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-12-18 22:47:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Donkmeister's right. Even if the story involves you getting shot out of God's anus into the lair of the mole-people on one of Jupiter's moons, you can't say it's fiction. You'll get more hits and heat as people argue retardedly over whther or not it's true, too. Good times!
Shit, that story about getting God shitting me onto Saturn's a good one. A cookie to whoever writes that.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-12-18 21:47:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The story was great, I just had a problem with your review.
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Submitted by Jambo (user info) at 2004-12-18 17:27:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
Yea, that didn't really happen. But thanks for your support and concern. I haven't posted in a year, and I only posted one other time...I think it's about time I started writing more, so I just made up a story as I went along today.
I was going to make it seroius, but I'm not much of a serious person. I'm glad y'all are liking it. Hopefully more to come.
---------------------------------------------------
Yes, you have been here longer than me, but I'll set some guidelines.
1) Don't plus two yourself. Its just edicate.
B) Don't tell the audiance that its fake. It sometimes detracts from the post because a lot of people on here are fucking gullible.
3) There really isn't a third guidline, I just absolutley hate the word y'all. No offence brother, but it really pisses me off.
At any rate, good stuff.
Submitted by Shizae (user info) at 2004-12-18 21:40:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-12-18 21:23:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ThereIsNoSpoon (user info) at 2004-12-18 20:33:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I do believe, my good sir, you got pwnz0rd.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-12-18 20:22:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
word
Submitted by wasabi (user info) at 2004-12-18 20:16:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-12-18 20:07:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mr.JackassFrost (user info) at 2004-12-18 19:25:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In a word: Fucking-Hilarious!!!!!
its one word if its hiphonated right?
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-18 19:00:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-12-18 18:48:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all ass.
Submitted by Jambo (user info) at 2004-12-18 17:27:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yea, that didn't really happen. But thanks for your support and concern. I haven't posted in a year, and I only posted one other time...I think it's about time I started writing more, so I just made up a story as I went along today.
I was going to make it seroius, but I'm not much of a serious person. I'm glad y'all are liking it. Hopefully more to come.
Submitted by Freakmagnet (user info) at 2004-12-18 17:13:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Spectacular!"
Freakmagnet gives it two thumbs way way up!
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2004-12-18 17:04:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
damn....
Submitted by moneyshot (user info) at 2004-12-18 17:04:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to put that ho back in check. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice! Zing!
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-12-18 17:03:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-12-18 17:02:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi-fucking-larious.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-12-18 16:32:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-12-18 16:27:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by houseman (user info) at 2004-12-18 16:23:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking brilliant!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-18 16:10:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my fucking god...
I would have raped her right there on the floor in the middle of the party.
Cause we all know rape posts are so much fun to read...
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-12-18 15:59:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Garsg/
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-12-18 15:55:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus MotherFucking 2.
-Dave
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-12-18 15:53:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
......
HAHAHAHAHAAAAAHAAAAAA!!!