Tales of New Bedlam: "What's that sticky stuff?" (25724 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.85 on 108 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-12-19 05:28:33 EST
The boy.
Today he was helpful. He helped with the dishes. ("And yea, it did rain for forty days and forty nights, and after it was over, one could surely swim across the kitchen floor.")
He helped with the vacuuming.
"Mum, there's too many toys on my floor to vacuum."
"Well, you'll have to clean them up, won't you?" (Score! Fuck yeah, you little blonde demon. I OWN you!)
"Okay."
Fifteen minutes later, I see him taking the garden rake outside.
"What were you doing with that?"
"Getting the toys out of the way."
Fifteen minutes after that:
"MUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!"
"What? What is it, love? Are you okay?" (Oh shit he's bleeding he broke his leg he killed one of the twins he ate the cat fuck fuck fuck why did I have kids?)
"The vacuum cleaner is broken."
Inside the vacuum cleaner hose: Three pencils, an eraser, four Lego blocks, and one baby's sock.
I set him the task of sorting out the sock basket.
We had a puppet show after half an hour. He drew faces on half the socks with permanent marker.
He said he did it because I looked like I need cheering up.
"Mum! Look what I did!"
"Oh. Dear. God."
"Now people won't hit their toes on the steps!"
"Uhm."
"Great idea, huh?"
"Love.. you shouldn't have gotten them from the bathroom cupboard."
"Why?"
"They're grownup lady things."
"What are they for?"
"They're.. uh. When a lady has her... uhm. They're like bandaids."
"Why do you bleed that much."
"Uhm."
"What's the sticky stuff for?"
"To.. to stick them to her knickers."
His face went white and he bolted to his room.
"Seth! Put them in the bin!"
"Get stuffed! I'm not touching them!"
My boy.
Genius.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-28 11:56:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ChalupaTres (user info) at 2006-12-21 17:38:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why the hell do we trust somethin that bleeds for a week and dosent die....
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:08:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-02-22 12:56:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SundanceKid (user info) at 2005-01-29 09:36:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-01-09 13:12:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W? You fucking whore. I hate you with every fibre of my being.
Ship me the boy, for I am hungry.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-01-09 12:30:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This wasn't the greatest post I've ever seen in my life, but it was short, sweet, and very real, so I think it fits well on B@W.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2005-01-07 18:15:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A couple words in there got my goat....but how can I go against the tsunami of +2's?
OK, OK! Aussie terms! Bin is trash, I assume? Because a bin here means you would probably keep them. Were you? Were you still going to use them? Damn. Give a paypal address so I can send a few bucks.
(Sure there is a TRASH BIN, but if you don't say trash in front of bin...hell, it could mean any container.) Am I wrong or what?
Heh. Just kiddin' though. Good read.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-01-07 01:46:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Everything you ever wanted to know about Freight_Train
User id: 4111
Registered on or around: 2003-12-06 23:47:52
# Messages posted: 31
# Reviews written: 1146
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 709
# Hits: 12912
Average rating of all messages: -0.68
***
I'd like to see your definition of humor, Freight_Train.
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2005-01-07 01:32:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
why is this bored at work??!
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-01-06 22:37:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W Worthy. Great Post.
Submitted by murtisha (user info) at 2005-01-06 17:15:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very cute. Enjoyed it!
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-01-04 11:15:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well fuck me...
Submitted by Holoman (user info) at 2005-01-03 17:13:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Knickers!!! You're british!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-01-03 16:01:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, take damn good care of that kid. He's gonna save the planet one day. Plagues, earthquakes, tsunamis, asteroids, he'll laugh them all off.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-01-03 15:45:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait, that was the second time i +2ed this post and congratulated you on B@W. What a foolish man with a tiny brain and testicles i must be.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-01-03 15:44:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, B@W indeed. Congrats.
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2005-01-02 20:56:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stick them on the stairs to prevent toe-stubbing...Hahahaha
Submitted by TonyMontana (user info) at 2005-01-01 21:47:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
wow, your kid's a moron. good for him.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-12-31 18:04:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Grats on B@W!!!!!!!!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-31 15:27:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations on the B@W. This is doubly good, because that way I don't have to commit suicide with a bit of tinsel like I threatened to.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-12-31 14:33:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
poor kid
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-31 01:30:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-12-30 05:54:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on B@W
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-12-30 05:54:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on B@W
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-12-30 05:07:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
More like Tales of New Bedpan AWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-12-30 04:56:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awww thats really cute
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-12-29 16:18:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-29 16:08:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W???
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-12-29 13:37:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your boy should have been cast in 'The Shining'.
Submitted by Gizmo (user info) at 2004-12-29 01:32:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. Purely awesome.
Congrats on B@W too.
Submitted by kaysee (user info) at 2004-12-28 22:40:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-28 21:53:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy shit... Heh. I'm in shock. That's awesome... thanks, whoever nominated this.
And NerfHerder - he's going to work out, one day real soon, that he's smarter than me.
And then I'll have lobotomise him.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-12-28 21:32:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The step still contains a 70% area which I can stub my toe on. What was he thinking?
Even so, "owning" your son is a feat not easily accomplished.
'grats on B@W.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-28 18:35:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Congrats on B@W.
Submitted by Adona (user info) at 2004-12-28 16:30:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant.
Submitted by Robert_of_Duluth (user info) at 2004-12-28 13:26:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
totally innapropriate (and I'm an asshole)
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-12-28 12:23:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-12-28 09:10:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 break the chain!!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
actually, that's a really funny picture.
Submitted by standardeviant (user info) at 2004-12-28 06:11:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am afraid to have kids. There are already enough people in the world smarter than me. I do not need one living with me.
Submitted by VoRn (user info) at 2004-12-28 05:51:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha brilliant.
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2004-12-28 04:12:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Let's hear it for future therapy sessions. Not as bad as when I walked in on my parents having sex on the dining room table, then serving dinner off of it an hour later, but still harsh.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-12-25 04:37:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I still love this.
Submitted by jayjonze (user info) at 2004-12-24 22:05:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good thing you diddn't ask him to fix the hole in the roof....
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-12-24 01:32:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
can't bring myself to do it.
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2004-12-21 20:12:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 die
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-21 16:20:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-12-20 13:54:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-12-20 13:29:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't beleive this isn't on B@W yet...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Ditto... you have a very good point there...
--------------
Agreed. 63 reviews at +2? This *has* to be B@W, even if it is about Maxi-pads.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-12-21 09:39:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love how you blame your own drunken innovation on an innocent child. That is, after all, what they're for!
Submitted by melkorthedelerious (user info) at 2004-12-21 00:21:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for the laugh.
Submitted by HatMan (user info) at 2004-12-20 23:28:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't actually laughed out loud at an Uber post in a while. Thanks.
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-12-20 17:06:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-12-20 15:34:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh man...
it's funny, but there's a slight queasiness factor going on, that I think would preculde this from B@W...
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-12-20 14:14:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I sometimes substitute "crippled" for "stunted," too. Glad to help!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-20 13:56:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If this post doesn't make B@W, I shall ceremoniously commit Hari Kari with a piece of tinsel.
*That's* how much I care.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-12-20 13:54:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-12-20 13:29:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't beleive this isn't on B@W yet...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Ditto... you have a very good point there...
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-12-20 13:50:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At 6'5" I keep one permanently stuck to my forehead to cushion the multiple daily impacts I have with lighting lixtures, low flying birds, door frames, and russian spy satellites.
Never underestimate the power of feminine hygiene products.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-20 13:36:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kids are fun, aren't they?
I wish I could give this a +10.
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-12-20 13:29:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't beleive this isn't on B@W yet...
Submitted by Pacifist248 (user info) at 2004-12-20 12:51:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-12-20 12:09:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...for passing me on Best ever in such a short period of time.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-12-20 09:53:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Scarlett13 (user info) at 2004-12-20 09:42:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-12-20 08:34:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucked up kid. And you're right, lyric IS a cutie.
Submitted by toothfish___ (user info) at 2004-12-20 03:22:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Get stuffed! I'm not touching them!"
bahahahaha hahaha haha hahaha haha ha........
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-12-20 01:59:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THAT IS GENIUS!!!!!
AWESOME JOB MOM!!!!! Just keep his creative juice flowing.
This post made my year.
Submitted by UsernameTaken (user info) at 2004-12-20 01:05:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all ass (+2)
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-12-20 01:02:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know you have to tell this story to his first girlfriend, right? And every girlfriend after that, and then eventually to his kids someday...
Kids are fun.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-20 00:50:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
AlwaysAnEagle - Do you know how long I've searched for the perfect phrase? The one to use when we rock up to the Emergency room and he's managed to superglue his butt to his new super flying machine (built from my laundry basket and half his meccano set)? "He's stunted by his own genius" beats the HELL out of my previous line, which was "Don't look at ME. *I* wanted a puppy." Thank you!
Coley - I want to, but I'm afraid that it might interfere with the children's important "Trauma Repression" instinct. I just can't afford the therapy.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-12-20 00:49:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-19 07:10:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
Think bigger, Filthy my love.
Let us ride naked Gods over a cliff.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-12-19 07:05:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you in a way that angers the gods. Let us ride naked men over a cliff together.
-------------------
Just like in Thelma and Louise.
--
Your boy has a capacity for abstract thought rarely seen in a non-marsupial.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-12-19 22:12:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAH
Circe, you really ought to print these things up for your kids when they get older..a memory book I suppose...REALLY!
I'd have loved to have these sort of stories saved about me.
Like the time I wrote "fuck" all over the garage door in hot pink crayon...somehow I never could figure out how they knew it was me!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-19 21:27:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-19 07:10:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
Think bigger, Filthy my love.
Let us ride naked Gods over a cliff.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-12-19 07:05:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you in a way that angers the gods. Let us ride naked men over a cliff together.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The post and the picture made me snort my drink all over the computer screen. Then, once I was mostly done choking, and I had taken another drink to help me stop coughing, I read that little exchange. Then I choked and spat/snorted again.
When I'm dead because I drowned in a glass of gatorade, I want both of you to know that it's your faults.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-12-19 20:03:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
First I read Mike's and I cried because my dad died and holidays are hard and I fought with my mom and I am overtired, so I come to your post and read, and read and then it happened.
I laughed until I shreiked, and snorted, and coughed, and snorted some more and just as Mark came to check my sanity, I ripped the biggest fart this house has ever heard. Which prompted much more laughing and shreiking.
I have to pee now.
You're right, we could trade and never know the difference.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2004-12-19 19:47:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If loving Circe is wrong
I don't wanna be right.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-12-19 19:07:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish something so mundane could happen in my life that is pure GOLD.
-Dave
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2004-12-19 18:04:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i *heart* circe
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2004-12-19 18:01:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"To.. to stick them to her knickers."
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-19 18:01:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As you are teaching your kids you don't realize that, at the same time, they are teaching you.
Submitted by CJRipley (user info) at 2004-12-19 17:43:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pure awesomeness!
"Kids, can't live with em, can't kill em" . . . but they are so cute and innocent
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-12-19 17:33:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sometimes kids rule.
This is one of those times.
Submitted by Bickerstaff (user info) at 2004-12-19 17:16:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-12-19 16:26:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Once upon a time, I was taking down a wall tapestry in my apartment. Said tapestry has a canvas backing, so it sort of has some weight to it, and I was taking it down by means of balancing on the couch cushions and reaching up and around the damn thing so my center of gravity was about the size of a pea and barely existent.
Naturally, the couch cushions eventually had it with the whole balancing act and I fell on my ass as I got the last corner of it loose, bringing the tapestry down with me. And one second later, my roommate walked in to see me sprawled half on, half off the couch, with a tapestry covering me, laughing AND moaning at the same time, which is made worse by the fact that I kind of do either this snort or a squeak when I laugh. Either way, the only thing I could really decide to say was "I am stunted by my own genius."
I now pass this phrase on to your son, because he is clearly far more stunted by his own genius than I ever have been or will be.
Rock on, little man, rock on.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2004-12-19 14:47:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can't comment.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-12-19 14:08:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHHAAAAAAAA!!!!
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-12-19 13:55:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe.... I would like to purchase your son to make sock puppets for me and entertain me when I look like I need cheering up. What a kid!!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-19 13:05:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all ass.
Best
post
about
maxipads
EVAR
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-12-19 12:43:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2004-12-19 12:38:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2004-12-19 11:25:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like a day at my house.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-12-19 11:19:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You sweet lady are fantastic!!
This made me laugh out loud.
Well done!
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2004-12-19 09:20:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The story was a solid plus one for mine, but I'm not going to break the good rating.
Why? I shall quote verbatim:
"Let's ride naked gods over a cliff."
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-12-19 07:46:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can possibly spell the noise I just made before bursting into laughter. Something like FFGGNNSSTTRRNNOORRRK!! Maybe.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2004-12-19 07:38:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That kid is definately a genius. His I.Q. has to be upwards of 7 billion.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-12-19 07:28:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*sigh*
Love.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-19 07:10:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Think bigger, Filthy my love.
Let us ride naked Gods over a cliff.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-12-19 07:05:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you in a way that angers the gods. Let us ride naked men over a cliff together.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-12-19 06:47:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
plus two
Submitted by klebe (user info) at 2004-12-19 06:41:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kids..you gotta love them!!!!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-12-19 06:39:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-12-19 06:38:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhahahahahahhahahahaha....
Oh god I love you....
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-12-19 06:18:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
sweet
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-12-19 06:09:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful.
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2004-12-19 05:45:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your kid's a genius.
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2004-12-19 05:45:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Smart lil' bugger ya got there I'd say so myself!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-19 05:39:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Coyote - you're still giggling at my expense, aren't you? And rewriting feminine hygiene advertisements in your head...
Lyric - Awww... thank you. Cutie.
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-12-19 05:37:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love both you and your children, Circe ;)
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-12-19 05:35:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At least you won't have to worry about
slipping on any untidy juice spills on the stairs.
They're superabsorbent! Away with workaday floods...
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-19 05:34:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I love Uber. When shit like this happens, instead of whimpering to myself about it and lamenting the choices that lead to this place and time, I grab my camera.
"Gotta take a picture! Uberpost!"
It helps. It's therapeutic.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-12-19 05:32:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That literally made me laugh out loud.
Not so easy to do when I'm at work on a Sunday morning...
Could have just been the word "knickers".
Mmmmm, knickers...
Submitted by CaptainAmik (user info) at 2004-12-19 05:31:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I need those on my steps...explain their use again?