New York Shitty (753 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.89 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jambo (View user info) at 2004-12-19 13:20:25 EST
11:45 PM
As I unbuttoned my pants, I felt my stomach churning. So I did what any bored and curious guy would do.
I buttoned them back up, and walked back out into Grand Central Station. I figured, if there's one place to find out where my breaking point is, it's in New York City.
Haven't you ever wondered how long you could hold it, until you just pooped your pants? I'm not talking about a little turtle head, pooping your pants...I'm talking about a Guiness Book of Records, 14 inch log, third leg, dirty brown running down your Dockers, pooping your pants. Not clearing out a dorm room, but clearing out a dining hall. Well, on this fateful day...I decided to put my bowels to the test. I was either going to make a mess of my train, or go on my own toilet at home. There was no in-between.
I looked frantically for a seat, so I wouldn't have to do the impatient waggle of a man in desperate need of a porcelain piss bucket. You all know what I'm talking about too, so don't pretend you don't. There's the guy, just shifting his weight side to side, slamming his eyes back and forth looking for something to take his mind off of the fact that he's about to explode. Well, lucky for me, I came across a bench with just enough room to squeeze me in between a pregnant woman, and a homeless guy. There's not much for the imagination to conjure up a reason that there was an empty seat there...but I took it. My thighs were as tight as they could be, my arms pounding against my stomach. I actually started to shake.
"What's the matter?" Such a faint, quiet and patient voice coming from the pregnant woman.
"I've just got a little upset stomach is all. I feel like I'm going to pop any second now, but I'll be fine."
"You think you're about to pop? Put yourself in my shoes." I started thinking of some other things I'd like to put in her shoes...
Then my stomach let out a vicious grumble. I felt the floor shake and the homeless guy moved over, giving me more room. When a homeless person moves farther down the bench, you've got problems. That's when I felt some gas coming on. When you've got to "turn two" and you feel a fart coming on, sometimes you've got to think twice before giving it the old "lean and push". You might get a little more than you bargained for. There was no stopping me today though, I was on a mission.
I leaned in the direction of the pregnant woman, exposing all of my gaseous glory to the homeless guy. (That'll teach him to move away from me.) I did the old, "push...retreat...push...retreat" until I felt the warm buzz of flatulence flubber out of me in one of the most intense "THAT is going to stink!" farts I've ever bestowed upon mankind. I think he actually started dry heaving. Either that, or he was gagging on whiskey. I'm not sure...but I can dream, cant I?
Another ten minutes passed, and I didn't move. I sat in the seat, wallowing in my own stench and soon to be feces filled khaki's, if I didn't watch my step. The true test has begun, it was time to get up, and board my train. I thought the jig was up when I stood up, hunched over, grabbing for my small intestine to try and stop the possibility of "colon auto pilot". I shuffled the whole way to the train, but all of the seats were taken in the beginning of the platform. I had to shimmy my way down to the second to last train. People were looking at me like I had Polio or something. I can't say I blame them.
Finally I got to a seat, and plopped (no pun intended) on a seat, slammed my head against the window and closed my eyes. I can't believe I made it onto the train! Somehow, I coaxed myself to sleep, and woke up at my stop.
I stood up.
Sniffed.
Looked around...no weird looks...
Lowered my arms and felt my crotch...no urine. Good sign. Usually number one slides along with number two.
Reach around...
Look for Ground Zero...
DRY!
I did it! But now I had to walk home from the train station...oh god, the longest quarter mile of my life. I was looking at bushes thinking of how much I'd love to drop trow, and just let a projectile dump soar into the gut of the leaves and twigs, staining the sidewalk forever. That would make for a great story. But I didn't...and it almost makes for a better story.
I can see my house. I can see the front door, and I'm looking at the bathroom window. Only an entryway, and fourteen stairs to go, and I can unbutton my pants, and let it rip.
12:56 AM
Facing the toilet, my belt half undone, I reach for the toilet paper, and laundry detergent in despair. I put on a pot of coffee and started the shower.
Apparently, my stomach gives me one hour and eleven minutes between that "I really got to go" feeling, and "woops".
What's your breaking point?
User Reviews
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-20 09:48:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Hilarious! A fun-filled holiday romp!"
- Farty McDingleberry, The New York Times
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-12-19 16:21:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm easily amused
Submitted by Jambo (user info) at 2004-12-19 16:07:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-12-19 15:50:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
ill measure and get back to you
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There's a man with a plan.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-12-19 15:50:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ill measure and get back to you
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-19 15:39:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think he actually started dry heaving. Either that, or he was gagging on whiskey. I'm not sure...but I can dream, cant I?
This made me laugh.
But on the scientific side, I can not walk into my apartment without needing to piss. I can go and check my mail, be gone 20 seconds, but when I cross my front door, I have to whiz.
Course, the longest I've gone without pizzing is 16 hours, I think. I whizzed when I woke up, worked 15 hours, and pissed when I got home, with a 3 minute drive each way...
As for how long between the "Oh god I gotta go" and shitting myself? I haven't shit myself (while sober) in a good 20 years. But the longest between the feeling and the act was almost 3 hours on a road trip...
Submitted by ornerybastard (user info) at 2004-12-19 15:25:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good poop story, but could have been better.
Submitted by Jambo (user info) at 2004-12-19 14:51:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2004-12-19 14:46:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
I can hold urine in for the better part of 12 hours. I don't know about the moles, though.
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That's amazing. So if you have a lazy day...and wake up at 10, and go to sleep at 9 later that night, you can go an entire day without a tinkle? I don't know if you can do it, but I think a science experiment is in order.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2004-12-19 14:46:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can hold urine in for the better part of 12 hours. I don't know about the moles, though.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-12-19 14:22:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very nice.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-12-19 13:44:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ew.
I think I have to poop now. Heh, sympathetic pooping. Who'da thunk it?
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-12-19 13:23:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GOD DAMN MONGORIANS, KNOCKIN' DOWN MY SHITTY WARL!