I’m Surrounded by Nymphomaniacal Insomniacs (1564 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.9 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by youarsoghey (View user info) at 2004-12-21 11:59:34 EST
I cannot sleep.
I cannot sleep in an environment with ANY ambient noise at all and thanks to the constant stream of ambient noise in my apartment, I have lost hours of precious, precious unconsciousness, which is a state that I, and many people who know me, think suits me best.
The thing that sucks most is that I'm far too great of a pussy to do anything about it. To reflect this passive-aggressive attitude of mine, I set up a sign on my door that has an inscription that I once saw on a television show:
"Private - Trespassers Will Be Guilt-Ridden"
Unfortunately, this does very little to keep people out of my room when I've got an exam at 8am the next morning and there's a party going on in the rest of the apartment. People can do very little when they are drunk. They can't pronounce obstreperous, they can't turn down sex or more beer, they can't read, and they certainly can't recognize the ironic hilarity of the sign I posted on my door.
*Knock* *Knock*
"Who is it?" I would say groggily on any given Thursday at one in the morning.
"YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, man, it's Andy," Rob would say in a complete drunken disregard for facts and sanity. "I need to use your turlet!"
"My turlet?" I would inquire.
"The shitter!" Rob would clarify. I would let him in because he would come in anyway thanks to the fact that the lock on my door couldn't keep out a five year-old mere hours removed from a frontal lobotomy. As it stands, the entrance to one of the two bathrooms in my apartment, which I share with six other people, is in my room, which I share with my roommate Nick.
Yes, I have a bathroom in my room. Yes, I hold a significant amount of power because of it. No, you may not have sex with me.
Since I have digressed slightly, I will bring you all back to the point with the clever use of sentences, words, and punctuation.
I can't sleep and my friends are to blame for it. They stay up hours past the Nickelodeon-Nick at Nite switchover. Why is it like this? What is the number one reason why I must endure such unwavering tomfoolery?
Because my flatmates are nymphomaniacs. They like to have sex and lots of it. Don't get me wrong, I also like to have sex, but my girlfriend is far, far away and I sleep alone with my stuffed animals and my naughty pictures of Janet Reno. This loneliness makes me despise other people's easy access to easy sex. The bitterness that stems from the loneliness leads to sleeplessness and the bags under my eyes grow larger than Michael Jackson's penis at a third grade theatrical production of "The Misunderstood Child Molester."
My roommate, Nick, has a girlfriend, my bedroom neighbor, Jeff, (whose head is about five feet and a paper-thin wall away from mine when I sleep) has a girlfriend, and his roommate, Brendon, has a girlfriend. If Nick, Jeff, or Brendon speaks with a regular voice in any of their beds, I can hear it clearly from mine.
And so sayeth the Lord, "Let the night of debauchery begin, but useth a condom, because pregnancy should probably not be aborteth with a rusty coat hanger. Amen."
One strange Monday night (It is an odd night when my flatmates don't drink), every person in the apartment got unbelievably drunk, except for me because I have classes early every weekday morning. I remember at around 1:30 in the morning the party died down outside my door and Nick, Jeff, and Brendon took their respective girlfriends into their respective bedrooms for some respective hanky-panky.
I would say that the opening and subsequent slamming of doors woke me up, but I was already wide awake thanks to the insomnia and the extra glass of Caffeine-Free Canada Dry ginger ale I drank. Suffice it to say that while I may be able to hold my alcohol, anything with the slightest suggestion of caffeine in the title keeps me wound up like a little kid on Christmas Eve.
While Nick and his girlfriend got down to things, I could hear the rustling of the covers from the beds in the room next door.
"Ohhhhhh, Jeff," moaned his girlfriend. Just ignore it, I told myself. They're all just drunk and don't know what they're doing.
"Ohhhhhh, Brendon!" That one came from the far end of Jeff and Brendon's room, I noticed. It was Brendon's girlfriend.
*Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak*
Hmm, that sound was coming from inside the room, I thought. Must have been Nick getting into it.
*Squirt* *Squirt*
That this loud squirting noise was coming from the wall in the direction of Jeff's bed, I realized. What the hell was Jeff doing over there?
*SLAP*
"OW!" screamed Brendon's girlfriend. What the hell was Brendon doing?
"Do it again," she added. No, really. What in the creepy hell was Brendon doing?
*SLAP*
"Yeah!" Exclaimed Brendon's girlfriend.
*SQUEAK* *SQUEAK* *SQUEAK* *SQUEAK* *SQUEAK*
My God, I thought. The incessant squeaking from Nick's bed was growing louder and more frequent.
"Jeffrey, oh my God Jeffrey I want you now!" Screamed Jeff's girlfriend. "I want your baby-makers inside my body!" What in the...
*Squirt* *Thud*
Jeff was in the middle of squirting his way to victory, like that rich kid on the block who owned the big Super Soaker, when he fell out of his bed.
"Ouch," he said while getting up again. I heard him get back on the proverbial horse (she really is a wonderful girl...really, it's not a pun) and keep on with the squirting.
*SLAP* *SQUEAK* *Squirt* *SQUEAK* *SLAP* *SQUEAK* *Squirt*
This symphony of horrors continued for another minute or so until things began to change.
*SLAP*
"OK STOP SLAPPING ME!" Bellowed Brendon's girlfriend. "My ass is killing me!"
While the other noises persisted, the slapping died down and it sounded as if Brendon was going to bed. In the next few minutes...
*Squirt*
"OK STOP FINGERING THAT!" Shouted Jeff's girlfriend. "My ass really hurts!"
Nick's bed kept on squeaking, but the squirting noise subsided. About ten minutes later...
*SQUEAK* *SQUEAK* *SQUEAK*
"OK STOP DOING THAT!" Shouted Nick in his deep, unfeminine voice. "My ass is really sore!"
Nick, not his girlfriend, said that. Nick's, not his girlfriend's, ass was "really sore." Naturally, like a true friend, I confronted him about it in front of a large crowd of people the next day, and he denied any unnatural debauchery, but I've got my doubts. You see, here is the thing:
How could his completely female girlfriend do anything with his ass that would involve heavy squeaking? This is a serious mystery. Any serious mystery requires a serious detective with experience in this field of skullduggery. I think I know just the man for the job.
User Reviews
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-03-29 16:46:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-12-25 04:06:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-12-21 19:30:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2004-12-21 15:19:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
A +2 because I think this title could describe the ubersite experience.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-12-21 15:32:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-21 13:37:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
squirt? You can hear them squirt?
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Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-12-21 15:22:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
STEVE!
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-12-21 15:19:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe she had one of those old school assholes with the hinged trap door mechanism?
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2004-12-21 15:19:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A +2 because I think this title could describe the ubersite experience.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-21 14:05:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
blue's clues...
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-21 13:49:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-12-21 13:39:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha... Blue's Clues.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-21 13:37:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
squirt? You can hear them squirt?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-21 12:57:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sure this is funnier than I realize, but I just finished the ass-pimple story, and I don't think anything will measure up to that for a while...
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-12-21 12:47:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
that guy makes great music
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-12-21 12:41:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The post was completely awesome by itself, and then you went and pulled out the Blue's Clues.
"Oh, no he didn't," I thought to myself.
But you did, you sick crazy bastard. God Bless you, you did indeed.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-12-21 12:33:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No comment until I'm finished wacking off.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-12-21 12:29:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow...just...wow...
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-21 12:13:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have my deepest, most heartfelt sympathies imaginable.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-12-21 12:13:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-12-21 12:10:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe he had a pimple on his ass. I hear those things really hurt.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-12-21 12:05:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
STEVE!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-12-21 12:05:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2004-12-21 12:02:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
STEVE! i heard that he OD'd on coke or something. whatever. nice post. now....what to do with this boner?