Food-Farting: A User’s Manual (796 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.5 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Zod (View user info) at 2004-12-21 13:41:12 EST
Hello folks. Today I'll be bringing you information on a particularly unknown technique. It is called food-farting, and it has many spectacular uses and functions. Your first question may be: What the fuck are you talking about? Well, let me explain.
You see, a food-fart is simply defined as the act of farting into a target food, making the said food smell and/or taste like fart. This tactic is most usually employed in pay back operations or during drunken forays into the disgusting. In either situation, you must make sure you use the food-fart technique properly, to ensure maximum efficiency.
Preparation: Preparation for the procedure is fairly simple. For light duties, you simply need your ass, which must be filled with an ample amount of GID (Gaseous Intestinal Discharge). Also, you need a target food item. For a more diabolical attack, you'll need to do a little prep work. Beans, peppers, beer, corn, industrial glue and/or cat food eaten at a prior time will all help to give your fart a more sickening perfume. Try gorging yourself on one or all of these products a few hours prior to attack to attain a deadly arsenal (Warning: Eating all previous items at the same time may result in death).
Setup: Setup for the procedure varies, depending on your environment. If the target food is low to the ground, attack will be simple. Since you won't need to move the food, the target victim will be less-likely to notice anything is afoul. These are ideal conditions but, sadly, are hard to come by.
If food is up high, on a table or counter, be sure to scope out the situation. If there is room to "pop-a-squat" over the food, then this may be a viable option. However, the food may need to be temporarily moved to the floor, farted upon, and then replaced at its previous spot. If this is done, you must make sure the food is placed exactly the way it was before, or the victim may catch on.
If you will be "popping-a-squat", then you must make sure you are completely alone. This type of attack will take more time and skill, and will leave you quite vulnerable. Too many times, a squat attack has been foiled by the target, due to the ineptness of the attacker. If your roommate catches you squatting on the kitchen table over a bowl of his Ramen, it's going to be hard to explain yourself. Be careful, people!
Procedure: This may sound pretty self-explanatory. Yes, taking your pants off, parting your cheeks, and farting into the food is what you must do. But it's not as simple as that. There are many things that need to be considered before attack.
Food Types: This is a VERY important piece of intelligence you must gather before you make any attack. For the optimal amount of GID absorption, a highly-porous food is desirable. Bread, apple sauce, cereal, rice, and certain types of poultry are highly recommended. Due to their airy nature, it will be easiest to replace the air with rank ass breath.
Liquids are highly advised against. They may seem like an ideal target, but unless you're farting at the speed of an atom smasher, your gas will simply be deflected off the surface of the liquid. Also, the splatter effect will be highly possible in this instance. More on that later.
Red meats and most fruits and vegetable are also hard targets. They are certainly possible to infiltrate, but are not as porous as other foods.
Certain mashed foods vary in absorption levels. It all depends on the consistency of the food. Baby food would probably absorb the most amount of fart. However, if you feel a baby has offended you enough to warrant farting into its food, then you're a sick fuck and need to be in jail and/or dead.
Splatter Effect - There is always the threat of the Splatter Effect. When dealing with very wet, moist foods, be careful. The strength of your GID stream may displace some food. And if you can find someone who will keep eating their creamed corn after coming back from the bathroom to find half of it sprayed out onto the table, then I'll be impressed.
Conclusion: After you complete your successful attack, you must make sure to disperse any deflected fart. Not all gas will stay in the food, so you must make sure to dispel any surplus from the air. Air fresheners are overkill. Just waving your hands around the area of attack should be enough to quickly dispel and excess fart. You know, the same technique you use when you fart on the bus or in class. This is important. If a target victim comes back and smells your beer fart lingering over his Frosted Mini Wheats before he can take a bite, then chances are he won't eat. And then you've wasted your time. Nice work, dick.
I hope this guide will help to assist you in your food-farting expeditions. Be careful and remember to always...Be F.A.R.T. Be Fast, Be Alert, Be Rancid, Be Trauma-Inducing!
User Reviews
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2005-04-04 10:39:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hell yea
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2004-12-22 07:36:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Does that guy in the pic have two arseholes or something?
He has dual exhaust flames happening.
Submitted by transhuman (user info) at 2004-12-21 16:55:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nasty, but funny.
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-12-21 14:15:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I got a sassy remark from the Sassmaster? Wha?!
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2004-12-21 14:11:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
thanks. apparently i had been going about this all wrong. i needed some sort of instruction manual. thank you so much.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-12-21 13:55:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just need to say one thing... What the fuck?
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-21 13:52:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-12-21 13:48:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
3rd degree burns seem to come to mind...
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-12-21 13:47:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why don't you just put your dick in the mashed potatoes?