All I want is some pumpkin bread God damn it (1835 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.5 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tom <theubertom.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-12-21 14:14:10 EST
In the summer of 2001, all hell broke loose. While the FBI and CIA were jointly arguing over who would be the bestest at taking out the terrorist threat in America, mother was converting.
Converting to what? Islam? Christianity? Pieism? No no and no, my friends. She was converting to the worst thing to convert to ever: vegetarianism.
Admittantly, my mother isn't a Christ-Perfect gold mine of ethical hypocrisy, she just wanted us all to be a bit healthier. And not fat. And sick. She isn't a militant about it, but she was for perhaps the first year. It was healthy butter and healthy snacks and crackers and bizarre Indian dips and yoga and teas and so on and so forth. It was delicious...kind of, but the holidays rolled around and it became a battle. The sweet, delicious breads from years before were kind of, I don't know, dull. Replacement sugar and rice milk. It just wasn't worth it.
Although rice milk on some Frosted Flakes can be great.
Well, 2002 rolled around and she became less militant. However, it still lingers in our house to this day. Occasionally you'll see some Flax and Oats in the pantry or veggie sausage in the freezer. It's not a horrible deal, really, but it poses problems.
From June of 2002 to July of 2004, the house was empty. It was both of my parents and myself. The fridge was always packed with delicious, delicious foods and all was well. Then we adopted two cats, two birds, the birds had one baby, a dog, my brothers moved back in and we also got a girlfriend moved in too. I can't complain, really, because it's excitingly hectic for such a bored kid as me. However, the fridge emptied itself quickly.
Last week, mother baked. Fudge, cookies, pumpkin bread and banana bread. She didn't use healthy shit this time. It was the real gold. Sugar, spice, ground up history text book; you know, the real good. The house smelled like an orgasm without the catfish. It was pure gold.
With people out of the house, I knew it would be mine, all mine. Only one brother remained. The rest coming home Tuesday. Had to act fast.
I cut half a loaf worth of bread and trotted over to the counter. I took out the butter and read its label. "Healthy shit butter. Spread me on your bread and lose 10 lbs. Low carb diet Lindsay Lohan nipple slip crack addict Mary Kate Olsen."
"Stupid hitwhore," I smiled and shook my head.
I took out a nice butterknife from the nice butterknife drawer and dug in. Mmmm, it was deliciousity if I ever seen it, I tell ya. But...but...I hit a problem. It was hard. I took a chunk out using leverage with the knife, only flinging it across the counter and into the spice pantry. "What? What the..." I looked at the chunk of 'butter' missing from the 'butter' container. I scooped up the rest with a spoon and put a chunk on one of the slices.
"I feel as though I must use my cunning." I stared at the bread for about five minutes. Then, I stared at an ant that was on the counter for a while. Thinking. The ant caught on fire and I got an idea. "I shall spread the butter with this knife!" I held my knife in the air, allowing it to glisten in the sunlight.
I began spreading, but it didn't spread. It dug in further. I spread harder, and the bread began to crumble. I started beating the bread with the knife. Still not working. I started beating the bread with my cat, but the butter didn't spread. "WHY WON'T YOU SPREAD?" I yelled at the butter.
"Because I suck." I threw my voice to make it sound like the butter was talking. There goes that cunning again. I then threw my fart to make it sound like the dog did it. I'm an ass ventriloquist.
I left a note for my mom inquiring about buttery *spread*. *Spread*. God damn all I want is some pumpkin bread.
User Reviews
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-12-22 00:11:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
doesnt seem to much to ask
Submitted by RAWapollo88 (user info) at 2004-12-21 19:56:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Did you actually READ this before you posted it?
No?
Didn't think so.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-12-21 17:43:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"the birds had one baby, a dog"
The impossible becomes possible in California.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-12-21 16:43:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wish i had some punkin bread and assbutter... *sniffle*
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-12-21 14:38:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hippies...
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-21 14:29:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My mother tried that once. The first time that she served a vegan... something... all four other people at the table spit out their first bite of food. It was almost choreographed, except that it wasn't.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-12-21 14:19:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Low carb diet Lindsay Lohan nipple slip crack addict Mary Kate Olsen."
"Stupid hitwhore," I smiled and shook my head.
HAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-21 14:19:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And booooo for me forgetting to roll the box to +1... Here's a +2 to make up for it.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-12-21 14:18:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-21 14:18:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Um...
Yay for pumpkin bread...