Ninja rules & regs (a must for the ninja on the go) (1538 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 0.17 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by magnus (View user info) at 2004-12-21 16:08:43 EST
Ninja should never enter the Ultimate Fighting Championship.
Never scream just before attacking another ninja from behind. This will only alarm the ninja that you are about to do something funky.
Always wear a mask. You never know when you will see someone that you don't want to see you. TIP: (read this over and over till it makes sense)
Always carry a spare ninja uniform. You never know when you will need to change into something less dirty in mid-battle.
Never store shuriken in your underwear.
Try to use the swords of your enemies whenever possible. This way you can throw them into other bad ninja without having to worry about retrieving it later.
When trying to stop a run-away golf cart its best to pick up the back end (with hand if possible) so the wheels just spin in the air while the occupants start to get scared.
When fighting on the golf course, crushed golf balls make a good blinding powder. Just grip the golfball firmly between thumb and for-fingers, and then squeeze!
When necessary, the ninja star can be thrown with ninja toes. For example, say you are trying to gain entry into an airborne helicopter. You are using both hands to hold on and you want to plant a shuriken in the eyeball of the pilot, what do you do? Shuriken with ninja feet!
Instead of forging your own calthrops, you can simply use the kids toy "jacks". If you are a evil ninja, you can just steal them from a child, or even a lesser-ninja.
Simple way to tell what time it is without a clock is to call the local phone operator and ask them. Simple, but effective. Don't tell them your name.
When preparing for battle, take some time to do all the hand signs of kuji-in. You will feel better and look cool at the same time.
Always run sideways when possible. With proper application you can run through walls.
When jumping far distances, always roll up into a ball. It will give an extra 50 feet of jumping height.
Want to jump higher? Plant a corn stalk. As it grows each day jump over it. Gradually you will increase your jumping height as the corn grows.
Always use your ninja names when speaking to each other in battle. Don't let sneaky golfers listen in to your conversations and wreck your plans.
Try to fight in mid-air whenever possible.
Try to keep your weapons on display, even in storage. You never know when you will need them to look pretty for a pre-revenge scene.
Wearing black eyeliner is good for blending in with the environments. Especially good for public missions where photo ops may arise. Don't forget to wear your mask. Ninja never bring a gun to a sword fight. Ninja don't use guns. Ever.
The only way to end a ninja clan is to break the head ninja's sword.
Ninja never show their real face. If the need to show a face arises, it should be a very shiny mask. This is the only possible substitute.
Bullets can't kill a ninja. Even 1 million bullets can not kill a ninja. (See the training video "Ninja 3: The Domination" for demonstration!)
When attacking a single ninja with a clan of ninja (more than 4, less than that is only a posse), it is proper ninja etiquette to fight with only one ninja at a time. This makes for a much nicer fight to the death.
NOTE: if you are planning to fight the mack daddy ninja, be sure to bring lots of lesser ninja to warm him up for your grand entrance.
When fighting with bow and arrows, a proper ninja will always destroy his bow if one of his arrows is cought in mid-air, and then broken over one knee of another ninja.
Ninja stars and sake are a perfectly good currency for ninja payments.
Ninja always use 4 pointed ninja stars. The fancy stars with more than for points are for the lesser ninja.
Ninja can only use their special dissapearing powers in combination with a smoke bomb. This is not negociable.
When training with other ninja, it is proper to group off into different colors. Stay with your color at all times! Failure to keep with your color results in a circle kicking, where you are in the center of the circle.
Ninja always wear tabi boots. Even when they sleep.
When confronting other ninja, always try to wear a different color than that of the ninja you are attacking. It is proper ninja-ettiquette to give "home" color to the defending ninja.
Ninja don't sleep. I know I said they do above, but I lied.
It's expected that ninja will lie from time to time.
When encountering large falls and leaps it is appropriate to always give the right-of-way to the first ninja to jump.
With that said it is equally appropriate to give the needed time and space for the following ninja to jump and catch up.
Ninja never wear headbands with the word 'ninja' printed on them. This would be a dead give away when trying to blend in. NOTE: Sometimes as a joke the elder ninja make the geek of the clan wear such a headband. Sort of like a "dunce" cap.
Ninjutsu began more than 800 years ago among the ninja people living in Japan. The warrior class which ruled Japan at the time were called the Samurai. They controlled the land and it's people. Their lord, the Shogun, was the only person the Samurai was answerable to.
The ordinary peasant served the warriors every whim. A peasant could never strike a Samurai. If he did, it would mean his life.
The ninja would not serve the Samurai, and fled to the barren, cold, mountainous regions of Iga and Koga. There they trained in the arts of war. It is said that their art is based upon a great Chinese military text written by a general named Sun Tzu, The Art of War. Over the centuries the ninja (word meaning 'stealers-in') trained from the cradle to the grave in every known martial art. Their forte was espionage and assassination, by any means possible. But their training also taught them to reach spiritual heights, by pushing their bodies and minds to limits far beyond that of normal human endurance.
Training for a ninja began almost as soon as he could walk. Childhood games were designed to inculcate expertise in unarmed combat, swordwork, weaponry, camouflage, escape and evasion. In time, the ninja warriors came to be feared throughout Japan. Even the mighty Samaurai looked over his shoulder if a ninja was known to be in the area.
Over the centuries, while ninjutsu was being practiced in secrecy, no one knew anything about the art except the ninjas themselves. When Japan emerged into the modern era, and feudalism collapsed, the ninja were absorbed into Japan's secret service and special services groups.
The martial arts boom of the 1970's saw two men searching for something different. Doron Navon and Stephen Hayes found a ninjutsu headmaster living in Japan who came from an unbroken line of ninja instructors dating back almost 800 years. The art was then brought to the western World.
When speaking of Ninja, the image of a black clad assassin disappearing in a cloud of smoke is what comes to mind. This distortion has nothing to do with the reality of studying Ninjutsu, or "Ninpo" in its highest order. Ninpo is a traditional Japanese bujutsu martial art with a rich and viable history that stretches back over ten centuries. Developed as a highly illegal counterculture to the ruling samurai warrior class, Ninpo still flourishes today under the direct guidance of Dr. Masaaki Hatsumi,34th grandmaster of the Togakure Ryu Ninjutsu tradition and eight other budo traditions. Dr. Hatsumi is the last variable true Ninja grandmaster having a direct line of decent from feudal Japan.
Ninpo is a more global title for the nine ryu (families) related. Po is Japanese for 'principle way'.
User Reviews
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-12-22 13:06:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh my God, I gave you -2!!!
I guess this means you'll never rate me honestly again... oh, wait. You never have because you're a petty little cocksucker.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-12-21 21:59:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Zoidy calls it cold. Plagiarism. -2. Die by ninja assassination.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-21 17:51:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ninjas = auto +2
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-12-21 17:50:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.entertheninja.com/ninja_fun/wisdom.shtml
Ninja always writes own material, steals not from others
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-21 16:36:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me smile
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-12-21 16:32:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ninjas good. Pirates ghey.
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-12-21 16:27:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Fuck ninjas.
They ruined this man's holiday season:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/54895
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-12-21 16:26:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
+2 for funny ninja rules. Those always work well with me.
-2 for suddenly changing pace to an actual 'ninja-history.' Pace changes are bad, never use them.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-21 16:15:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Started funny, got serious...
I don't like serious...
But I do like funny...
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-21 16:14:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
so, what youre saying is, you like ninjas.
ok.
Submitted by keebler (user info) at 2004-12-21 16:13:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Long but funny.
-1 on context?
Submitted by TeaRepublic (user info) at 2004-12-21 16:12:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is all well and good, but why is this "Dirty Humour"?