"I said 'Burr', *clap, clap* It's Cold In Here..." (1301 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 1.44 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by j t <jcricket1120.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-12-22 14:12:19 EST
My house is a frikkin paradox when it comes to temperatures and weather.
My old-ass house retains vast amounts of heat during the summertime and releases that bitch during the winter.
Being that it's late December in Boston, you best believe that my house is colder than a $2 hooker after an uninvited donkey punch coupled w/ the cleveland steamer finishing move, and let me tell you from experience alone, that shit is cold.
Take, as an example, today's little event.
I woke up like most normal mornings, groggy as all hell, listening to Howard Stern quiz some strippers on US pop culture.
I walked downstairs, ice-skated across the kitchen floor to get to the bathroom, and after unzipping my parka and reaching through my layers of snow pants just so I could take a piss, I found, to my mild dismay that my penis was frozen to my ballsack.
No, really.
In the arctic conditions of my house, whilst I was asleep, my penis was somehow inextricapably frozen to my ballsack.
Yeah, I know it's weird, but don't ask me to explain the physics of it.
And yes, awkwardness did ensue.
I still had to take a piss, but I couldn't maneuver jimmy jr. and the funky bunch- amalgamation (henceforth referred to as "the jimmybunch" because of the configuration) properly to release my urine.
I had to chip at that shit with an ice pick in my left hand and a pair of chopsticks with my right just so I could take a piss.
Don't worry, being that I was careful, only some frozen, pube-cicles were harmed in the process and those fell harmlessly into the toilet..
Seeing as to how I had to get to work soon, I needed to unfreeze the jimmybunch, get dressed, and get the hell out of there ASAP.
Continuing to chip away at my junk, although fun, would waste too much time and I knew that I had to act fast to get to work on time ie. 5 minutes late.
Sure, taking a scalding, hot shower would be the smart and easy way of doing things, but where's the fun in that?
An idea crept into the barren wasteland that is my mind and I immediately seized it with both of my mental hands, shouting, "I gotchoo bitch!".
I quickly set a pot of water on the stove and turned that soma-bitch to "high".
After finding the trusty step-ladder in the closet, I placed it in front of the stove and hurriedly stripped off my parka, snow pants, underwear and tiger-print PJ's, in that order.
Bare-ass naked and standing precariously on the step ladder, I positioned myself carefully over the steaming pot.
Clutching on to the rickety, wooden cabinets above the stove for dear life, I lowered myself until the jimmybunch were completely submerged in the already bubbling water.
Using my powerful thighs and legs, I Tea-bagged that lucky pot of water with all of the strength and skill that only years of battle-hardened, tea-bagging experience could muster.
I was doing the whole 9 of my repertoire starting with the basic up and down motion and going through the circular motion and figure 8's.
Hell, I was even writing the names of all 2 of my past lovers in cursive for Christ's sake... 2 dozen. I meant, "2 dozen past lovers... and they were hot!"
Such was the intricacy of my technique...
After what seemed like hours servicing that pot, things finally seemed to be swinging in my direction and I started to get the feeling in my balls again as well as a good rhythm established...
Unfortunately, that was also the exact position that my little brother found me.
Aftermath: On the plus side, I singed the hair surrounding my thighs, balls, and asshole, but hey, at least I thawed out in time to get to work.
On the negative side, my little brother won't speak to me anymore. Serves him right if you ask me, I mean, can't a guy get a little privacy anymore?
User Reviews
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-12-22 16:17:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
**There must be some Toros in the atmosphere.**
I hate that I know that, but Kirsten Dunst and Eliza Dushky are HOOOOOT.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2004-12-22 15:18:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
masterpiece.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-12-22 15:12:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
there must be some titties in the atmosphere
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-12-22 14:50:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-12-22 14:38:31 (#)
Ranking: 1
"Sounds like you got yerself a heat problem there, son. I'm gonna have to insert a new nebulator shaft...gonna cost ya $650 but if I were you, I'd spend the money. You know what happens if your balls remain in a semi-frozen state for too long...Well, I don't have to tell ya. let me go out to my truck and let's get to work on this."
-----------------------------
FINALLY..... a line of work this asshole MIGHT be able to handle, the unemployed cunt!
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2004-12-22 14:41:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it. It was nutty.
Submitted by lava605 (user info) at 2004-12-22 14:39:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My house is just as cold. I have to wear shoes in the house because the floor is so cold. And the only thing heating it is the wood burner.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-12-22 14:38:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Sounds like you got yerself a heat problem there, son. I'm gonna have to insert a new nebulator shaft...gonna cost ya $650 but if I were you, I'd spend the money. You know what happens if your balls remain in a semi-frozen state for too long...Well, I don't have to tell ya. let me go out to my truck and let's get to work on this."
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-22 14:26:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Your poor nutters! Get an electric blanket. I have one and it's the best 30 bucks I ever spent. I live in a drafty old house too. It sucks.
Submitted by MaximusPadus (user info) at 2004-12-22 14:16:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MaximusPadus (user info) at 2004-12-22 14:16:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 B@W
This is the coolest story I've ever read. Good job.
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-12-22 14:15:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This was dumber than a shlongy post, and that's saying something.