TO: The Citizens of the United States of America (791 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -0.89 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The person formerly known as mcmuffin (View user info) at 2004-12-24 09:21:27 EST
I found this on www.kontraband.com. I laughed. Every non American will too.
TO: The Citizens of the United States of America
RE: Revocation of your Independence
In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
Likewise,you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z'(pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.
You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents? Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "$hit".
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.
Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation
Rt Hon David Blunkett
Home Secretary
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-12-28 15:29:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-12-24 13:54:50 (#)
Ranking: -2
This person made the unfortunate mistake of believing Britain matters.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-12-28 13:49:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
old
write your own shit
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-12-28 13:36:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
*Tapping fingers, whistling off-key, chuckling quietly, and waiting for the Revocation of our Independence to carried out by force...*
Submitted by Snore (user info) at 2004-12-28 13:28:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality.
Submitted by Technoboy (user info) at 2004-12-24 17:16:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCKING COME ON!!! Anyway, while we're on about yanks, do you fellas have Stella Artois in america?
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-12-24 17:06:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys
...so that's what this is all about.
Submitted by cheruboo (user info) at 2004-12-24 16:28:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I hate america as much as anyone but britain's nothing special either. Go drink your warm beer and cucumber sandwiches.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2004-12-24 16:17:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
"5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through."
The only Queen anthem I'll be singing anytime soon is "We Are the Champions."
Go Buckeyes, WOO!
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-12-24 13:54:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This person made the unfortunate mistake of believing Britain matters.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2004-12-24 13:32:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America."
Every good player in the world comes to the U.S. to play baseball.
"6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football."
Familiar with NFL Europe? Teams in Berlin, Frankfurt, Scotland, Amsterdam, Rhein and Cologne.
I wasn't going to -2 this, but you don't bad mouth American sports. Beat us in the olympics then talk shit.
Submitted by ColonelAngus (user info) at 2004-12-24 13:30:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I chuckled. But Limeys can suck my big, Jewish, American shalong!
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2004-12-24 13:26:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Red Dwarf sucks balls and Belgium doesn't exsist.
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2004-12-24 12:29:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-12-24 12:27:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This was mildly funny the first time I saw it. It's been done much better.
"You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America."
Then hurry up and get your ass good at it, you fucking pussies.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-12-24 12:16:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
To England: shut the fuck up.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-12-24 12:15:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Sounds like it was written by some English guy with mommy/daddy issues and a small penis. Who in the fuck would have the audacity to tell people to stop playing "American" football, or changing the spelling of words we don't even give a fuck about? My advice to this guy who wrote the article:
Stop talking. Then stay in England, don't ever come here. There, that's better. You won't have to put up with Pittsburgh just staring at you and gloating over his use of non-English spelling.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-12-24 11:25:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by ButtRodent (user info) at 2004-12-24 10:54:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Here here...but it's spelled "Gnat" not "Knat", you fucking cunt. Discredits your whole cut and paste, that does. And Middlebourgh accents are the tits.
Submitted by podium (user info) at 2004-12-24 10:45:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I lived with my Southern neighbours, I would take George W. Bush over Tony Blair anyday of the week.
Ever hear of Canadian football by the way? Different rules, same basic concept.
+1 Got a laugh
+1 I like the British
-1 Liberal piece of shit
-1 You are clearly not one to talk about ignorance, are you?
Submitted by gabrielpm (user info) at 2004-12-24 10:38:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Marvellous, dear sir! Marvellous!
Submitted by Andrewd (user info) at 2004-12-24 10:34:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by sketch9 (user info) at 2004-12-24 10:18:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America."
ever heard of canada? no?
second largest country in the world? former british province?
big giant wasteland full of ice and inuit and guy's going "eh" and drinking beer?
doesnt ring a bell?
thats ok, i didnt figure it would. you guys are all to busy stereotyping and hating america to take your heads out of your asses too.
america has poisoned your fucking minds. and i sure as hell am not putting "u's" in there.
Submitted by Hotpocket4you (user info) at 2004-12-24 10:13:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
If i remember right, its the british who changed their language not the americans. American english is the correct english
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-12-24 10:01:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
what the hell man if they are comin at you , means they want somthin ,more better you look after them and care for them ,than they get on the street uh?
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-12-24 10:01:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-12-24 09:59:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
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Isn't it played in Canada as well?
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2004-12-24 09:49:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
REPOST WHORE!!!!
already done, old, your gay, you suck worst then I DO!
Submitted by CJRipley (user info) at 2004-12-24 09:36:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
nope.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-12-24 09:23:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
kontraband.com and the idiots who wrote this can just fuck themselves silly. We'll do what we want, when we want, the way we want to do it. That's the American way.