Other things that a Ford Focus owner's manual is good for (1352 hits)
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Submitted by VodkaFace (View user info) at 2004-12-26 16:00:38 EST
Not long ago, I took a road trip with one of my good buddies. It was to be an affermation of all that was good and right with the young American way of life. My buddy and I had planned to go with our girlfriends from the worthless dirt-hole that is Central California, up to Seattle, Washington, spend some time there, and then drive back. We had figured out where all the campgrounds were along the way so we could break out our tents and get a little rest.
Wait, before I go on any further, let me be the one to tell you this from experience: if you take a road trip with three other friends, and the destination is further away than 15 minutes, do not, I repeat, DO NOT drive a Ford Focus. Not even the Wagon or hatch-back models. By the end of the first block, everyone will want to kill everyone else. Trust me, if friendship means anything to you at all, rent an SUV.
Unfortunately, we didn't know about this before we set about our journey, and so we found ourselves crammed in a little Ford Focus SE for what seemed like 30 bajillion light-years worth of U.S. Interstate-5.
The slap fights were *unbelievable*.
Between getting up to Seattle and back, we got pulled over 3 times, were issued two tickets and a warning, almost collided with other objects a total of 12 times and successfully hit some poor guy's mailbox. Most of this excitement was due to the slap fights, which, I am convinced would not have happened if we had had some forethought and rented a damn SUV. (An interesting aside, the only time we were pulled over and were not issued a ticket was the time my buddy's girlfriend drove. The state trooper was so enamored with her tubetop I don't think he even remembers what color the car was. Another good reason to travel with females.)
Seattle was great, saw the space needle, smoked a LOT of herb, went to some museums, smoked more herb, dropped by my cousins house and discovered that no matter how much pot you smoke, you cannot kill yourself via marijuana. It was all good and after a solid week of fun, we packed up and headed home.
On the way back from Seattle, I encountered a problem.
We were in the southern part of Oregon, about 70 some-odd miles from the California border. We had stopped in Roseburg about 40 miles back and gotten some food at a little diner. I forget the name but for some reason "Ed's Roadhouse Diarrhea" comes to mind. So we are travelling along, talking about how awesome it is to be stoned for a week solid in the city of Seattle when all of a sudden, I get a slight cramp in my lower abdomen. "Ouch," I think, "Must be a fart." So, as I am driving south on the I-5, I move my left hip up imperceptably, and let fly.
The term "Gambled and Lost" came flying up to meet me in the one dire moment where its meaning would be clearer to me than all the world's swimming pools. All my passengers screamed and yelled protests as I swerved right and took the small car from approximately 75 MPH to a rolling stop on the shoulder. I jumped out of the car and hopped behind a small group of trees to do my business.
I did my business.
I realized that in my haste to do my business, I had forgotten to grab anything to wipe my ass with. I looked around for a toilet paper tree, a Kleenex plant, even a pinecone, but nothing was within reach that I could use to clean myself up. I called to my buddy still waiting in the car.
"Chris, c'mere, I want to show you something."
(pause)
"What about the girls, can they see too?"
"No, just you man. Please come here." I'll never forget the look on Chris's face when he came around the trees to see me squatting in the middle of a small clearing, pants down around my ankles. Right in my immediate vicinity, it looked as if a practical joker had taken a bucket of brown paint and dumped the whole thing on the ground from approximately the same height as the top of the space needle. Chris stopped dead in his tracks and hid his face. He peeked out from behind his arm and dryheaved once into his flannel.
"You are a sick, nasty, demented fuck." Chris took a couple of measured steps backward.
"No, I need help. Go to the car and *please* get me something to wipe my ass. Please." After further pleading from me and impatient calls of "What the fuck's going on down there" from the girls in the car, Chris agreed to get me some asswipe. He vanished around the trees and I could hear him talking to the girls, although I couldn't make out what was being said. I could've guessed, however when I heard the girls laugh and squeal "OMIGOD!" Minutes later, Chris came trudging back into view.
"I couldn't find any toilet paper or napkins." he said "but I did bring you this." He held out a small book. A picture of my car was on the front. I balked at him. He balked back.
"Take it or leave it." He said. I took it.
Vehicle owner's manuals were never intended to be rubbed up against one's sphincter, as pages 1 through 72 so painfully proved to me. Pages 73 through 182 were used to wipe as much human detrius off of the back of my shoes as possible, leading me to believe Ford's owner's manuals would make an acceptable substitute for paper towels. Page 183, instructions on what to do before starting the vehicle, served quite nicely as a shit tampon, as it was lodged firmly between my underwear and my ass crack the entire remainder of the ride home.
The following week, I went into Ford's parts department to obtain a new copy of the owner's manual. As I stood at the counter, talking to a man who curiously enough was named "Blue" by his loving parents, and asking for a new copy of the manual, he began to chuckle.
"Well, we normally don't carry things like that, you would have to place an order with the printing office, but..." Blue leaned under the counter and produced a brand new oner's manual, still wrapped in plastic. "...luckily your buddy called in the other day and told me all about it. Took the liberty of ordering a new one for you."
I was not amused, but I was sure that Chris was extremely amused, as was Blue. He slid the manual across the counter at me, still smiling.
"After what you went through, this one's on the house."
I uttered my thanks, took the manual and left the store, intending to stop by Chris's house. I had realized one more use for the Ford Focus owner's manual, as a weapon.
User Reviews
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-12-30 12:48:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GENIUS!
This was great.
Submitted by VodkaFace (user info) at 2004-12-29 21:50:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"and it's smaller than yours - you must have the factory edition."
Thank God.
Submitted by Shizae (user info) at 2004-12-29 21:19:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EPatrick (user info) at 2004-12-29 20:44:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Poop is always funny. But you made it funnier.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-12-29 18:49:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just so happen to have in my hand here a 2002 Ford Focus owner's manual, and the pages look perfect for wiping - however, mine has a white cover, it's a first printing, and it's smaller than yours - you must have the factory edition.
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-12-29 18:32:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe this was a first post! Your other one is just as good, keep it up.
And - the napkin in the glove box thing is a good tip, I do the same thing. . .
Submitted by rurumon (user info) at 2004-12-29 09:25:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I havent laughed this hard from uber in a while. nice job.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-12-27 09:46:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-12-27 09:30:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-12-27 09:10:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i havn't laughed so hard in a long time.
that was hilarious.
the page by pag ething was the best, i would have liked it had it bveen drawn out longer.
b@w
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-27 04:02:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
do you people even know all the shit i been through, so dont judge me cuz im 15. i've seen alot a shit in my life you dont even know but im not going to go parading it around just to show you people up cuz im a bigger person than that!
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2004-12-27 03:42:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Walrus (user info) at 2004-12-27 00:06:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is by far the best first post I've ever read.
Keep writing.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-26 20:36:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-12-26 19:39:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Lovely. Just lovely.
Submitted by VodkaFace (user info) at 2004-12-26 19:35:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Urk. At least mine was by accident.
Submitted by jayjonze (user info) at 2004-12-26 19:26:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was in college I knew a fat kid who could not drive home without shitting himself. He told us one night when we got him really drunk and stoned. His mother would wait at the door with a plastic bag every time he was on his way home. That way she was ready when his shitty pants came to the door..............
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-12-26 19:12:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
ha
hahaha
snort
Submitted by bklyn65 (user info) at 2004-12-26 19:10:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking "Gambled and Lost" is still killing me -
Wife thinks im nuts - cant stop laughing
Submitted by gabrielpm (user info) at 2004-12-26 18:24:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by MrCoffee (user info) at 2004-12-26 18:09:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"gambled and lost"
fucking yeah
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-12-26 17:38:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome first post. I laughed my ass off throughout the whole thing.
You'll do well here.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2004-12-26 16:52:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why you ALWAYS keep a stash of extra napiks in the glove box. They are free from EVERY fast food joint. Helpful cleaning up spills from drinks, dog drool, buddy puke, and yes even butt mud.
For the record you would need to smoke 900 3 gram joints or eat 6 pounds nonstop to die from a lethal THC dose.
-Turtle
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-26 16:44:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank god it wasn't the manual for a Trooper.
I got 2 paper cuts first time I read it...
Think about it...
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2004-12-26 16:38:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-12-26 16:33:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no matter how much pot you smoke, you cannot kill yourself via marijuana
Submitted by FreshPrince (user info) at 2004-12-26 16:18:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At least it wasn't
Found
On
Road
Dead