Internet Dating Horror Story Part 2 (5089 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.84 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by jayjonze <crazfool003.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-12-28 00:32:21 EST
I'm sorry that I posted these both so quickly, but I will not be online for a while and I wanted to make sure the story got finished. For those of you who missed part 1:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/55355
....So she and I got into the car after having a ciggarette (I did not tell her I smoked because if she was as hot as I had thought I would have quit, at least until I banged her) and we were off to the mall. I still could not get the fuzzy feeling out of my head. Immediatley she said :"Oh, I diddn't know you smoked." I ignored her and asked if I could smoke in her car. She said O.K. Of course she needed gas, so we stopped at the first station, about a block from my house.
It was decision time again. Do I wait in the car? What if someone sees me? I decide to go into the store until she is finished and then jump in the car as quickly as possible before we leave. I go inside and buy a bottle of water. The clerk is all happy and shit. He grabs the bottle out of the cooler behind him and throws it up in the air like he is Tom Cruise in Cocktail. "Anything else today buddy? as he continues to throw the bottle. "Just the Fucking Water Please!" I have had it out for this cocksucker for a while and today I was not in the mood for his happy go lucky bullshit. He calmed down and gave me the water. As I walk outside I notice that I am the envy of every black man at the gas station (about 5). (I have a few black friends and for the life of me I still can't understand why they love fat chicks, oh well, to each his own) So they are all staring and "whats up baby"ing her. At first I think this may be an easy way out of the "date." I could act all psyco because she was talking to another guy and she would drop me off. No such luck. She told them all to "Get off their lazy black asses and get jobs." Just as I was approaching the car. Somehow we got out of the parking lot without me getting stabbed again.
On our way to the mall I sit in the passenger seat trying not to look at her. She could not even fit in the driver's seat so it was kinda hard. She asked me stupid questions like "What do you do in the summer?, and "Whens the last time you ate a large pizza by yourself in one sitting?" I wasn't really paying attention though, I was trying to find a cordial way out of the situation. So, I just nodded,looked out the window and chain smoked until we got to the mall.
We walked into the mall (I walked, she trotted), I had settled down or so I thought. We walk by the first shit vendor with his cart and he says "Vud jyuo like sumting por your girlfendz?" All I could do was scream "Fuck off!" (I hate those assholes anyway, on a normal day I tell them to fuck off, just quietly.) Most chicks would see this and run. She laughed and said "That was funny, I hate those people too." I could tell I was in for a long day.
After what seemed like 10 hours of walking around the mall, her, trying to get me to hold her hand, bumping in to me, fixin her disgustingly huge and flabby tits. She said "Do you want to get a drink or something?" Thank you god. How could I have not thought of this before. Alcohol, its always been there for me before, I should have been drinking since the get go. I could get wasted at 3:30 in the afternoon and she would want to drop me off ASAP. At a greater pace we walk (I walk/run, she was now galloping to keep up) to the bar.
At the bar I order a beer before I even sit down. She, out of breath, takes off her coat and sits. Now, I thought this was bad before, when she took off the coat things were much, much worse. As she sat in the amazingly strong barstool, it looked like she had been poured into it. Not like a hot chick in a pair of jeans, more like a batter into a waffle iron after you close it and batter just oozes out the sides. Her belly hit the bar and spilled over a little bit. I order a Coors Light (my beer of choice) she orders a Corona. Now I hate to side track but I am in decent shape (5'10" 165lbs) she, is disgusting. And I am drinking the light beer? Anyway, I start to drink as fast as I can. I do shots. I drink more beer. We get an appetizer. She eats it, I drink. By the time we were done I have racked up a $50 bar tab in 45 minutes minus 2 Coronas and One Quesidilla. I am Hammered. We talk for a while and I exuse myself to smoke.
While I am outside I call every friend I have. Trying to get one of them to bail me out. All of my guy friends just laugh at me. All the chicks I know want nothing to do with it. I leave a message on one of my friends voicemail: "Jen, I need you to bail me out, I ended up with this fat chick on a date, call me or something. I need help." I give her a few more details and head back. I walk back in, and she says "Do you want to go back to your house and watch Kill Bill?" I had forgotten that a few days earlier I had said that we would watch it together. I said yes and we headed back to the car.
I got into the car and she kept talking. Funny how interesting I thought she was before I found out she was a house. I told her fucked up shit with my slurred speech like "Hey, thapts da hotel i uzzed to lib in when I did heroin." I had lost all ability to take this situation like a man. Then all of a sudden, the unbelievable happened. I threw up. All of a sudden 8 coors lights and 3 shots of jeager was all over her dashboard, windshield, and my pants. She freaks out. Drops me off at my house and I go in to take a shower.
Finally, I had done it, I wasn't proud but I had gotten rid of the chick. I take the best shower of my life. Towel off and put on some jogging pants. I walk out of the bathroom and who should be standing right in front of me. It was her, all 450lbs of her. In a sweet voice she says "I understand, you have been nervous all day. I could tell when I first saw you. Why don't we just sit down and watch Kill Bill?" As it turns out she had a change of heart after she cleaned out her car and I forgot to lock the front door. I was out of options. If throwing up in her car and all over myself did not get rid of her I would have to ride out the storm.
Just then a miracle happened. The doorbell rang, and the door flew open. "Who the Fuck is this Bitch?" It was Jen. Jen procedded to flip out on the fat chick. Calling her a homewrecker, doing the whole talk to the hand thing. After a few minutes and alot of yelling and one really hard slap in the face (thanks Jen I deserved that) it was over. The mammoth got into her puke stained car and sped off. Jen and I went out drinking and I told her the story. I paid.
That is a real friend.
User Reviews
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-26 18:00:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DJ_Mittens (user info) at 2005-01-09 09:38:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 because, well, you hung out with fatty-fat, instead of just grabbing a cab when you were out smoking.
+4 because this Jen sounds like, in all honesty, the greatest friend you'll ever have, aside from your Right Hand man.
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2004-12-28 15:10:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jen is the kicker of all ass.
WOOWOOO to Jen!!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-12-28 14:12:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm giving this a +2 since I am going to assume you banged her - I would have.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-12-28 10:02:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
paragraphs porfavor
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-12-28 09:53:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
don't lie, dude. you banged fatty mcfatfat. in the pooper, too, i bet. was it good?
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2004-12-28 09:40:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Content: -2. I like fat chicks.
Writing: +10^(7). Descriptive.
Submitted by MaximusPadus (user info) at 2004-12-28 09:15:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for internet dating, and shitty writing.
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2004-12-28 04:17:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all ass
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2004-12-28 03:41:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If Jen is hot, kiss her feet and pop the question.
Excellent post dude.
Submitted by CoreaPeekay (user info) at 2004-12-28 02:46:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should marry that jen girl dude she fuckin saved your ass. At least give her a good scrogging in return. Or something.
Submitted by Cassiopeia (user info) at 2004-12-28 01:21:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's a great story! I've had a few people want to meet me, but I never do because I've heard too many horror stories like this one!!
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2004-12-28 00:54:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The clerk is all happy and shit. He grabs the bottle out of the cooler behind him and throws it up in the air like he is Tom Cruise in Cocktail. 'Anything else today buddy? as he continues to throw the bottle. "Just the Fucking Water Please!'"
I hate people like that. There's a server at our Outback named Mike who does that shit all the time.
Also, I'd like to declare my crush on Jen.
Submitted by barnaby (user info) at 2004-12-28 00:38:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
CAN I FUCK JEN???
IS SHE A SWEET PIECE OF BEAR MEAT????
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-12-28 00:38:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome....