Frequent Flyer (911 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 2 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Zandy1123 (View user info) at 2004-12-28 15:25:57 EST
Have you ever seen that Saturday Night Live sketch with Bill Murray called "Frequent Flyer?"
For those of you that have not, allow me to describe:
Bill Murray plays the "Frequent Flyer." He's the guy who flies everywhere all the time and always manages to find his way into first class for one reason or another (stand-by luck, frequent flyer miles, pilot blow-jobs etc.) He feels obligated to announce to everyone else in the cabin how wonderful it is to fly first class and how everything is free..."And listen up, everyone - the in-flight magazine is complementary! You can take it with you! I suggest you take a look at the recipe for creme brulee on page 92..."
It's really the perfect character for Bill Murray, if you ask me. For those of you that are interested, the original air date of this particular SNL episode was 2/20/1993. And Sting was the musical guest! Sting rules.
Anyway...
A few years ago, during my junior year in college in Connecticut, I was dating a girl that went to school in Atlanta. Airfare from Hartford to Atlanta was cheap ($95 round trip, non-stop) so I would go visit at least once or twice a month.
Being my punctual self, I would always arrive at my gate with at least an hour to spare. This time was usually spent reading, sleeping, masturba...I mean...sleeping.
On one particular occasion, I found myself sitting at the gate in Bradley International, enjoying some light reading - Stephen Hawking, I think. The waiting area at the gate was mostly empty, so I was surprised when a gentleman chose to take a seat right next to me.
He was an awkward looking dude - mousy hair, HUGE thick-rimmed glasses covering a face pocked with old acne scars. He wore tan...lots of tan. But he seemed like nice enough fellow as he started up a conversation.
"So, is Atlanta your final destination?" he asked
"Indeed it is. And you?" I replied politely
"No, I'm continuing to Jacksonville. What's in Atlanta?"
I told him I was going to visit my girlfriend and that I made the trip down to Atlanta pretty often.
"Oh that's nothing!" Tan-man exclaimed, "I travel six days a week!"
He began telling about the perks of flying so much - the meals, the drinks, the free flights, hotel rooms, the first-class upgrades...he was truly a rockstar in the world of commercial airlines. Even the stewardesses at the gate said 'hi' to him. Granted, the stewardesses looked like my grandma...
Tan-man quickly won me over with his "I am the lord of all things travel" persona. His enthusiasm for air-travel was infectious, like cholera, and I quickly found myself asking him more questions, which only fueled his ardor and prolonged our discourse.
Finally, a few minutes before boarding, Tan-man mentioned that he had two free upgrades that were about to expire the following day. Before I knew it, he had upgraded both of our tickets to first class! I was psyched! Sure, the guy might be a total freak...or a child-molester...or a terrorist. But we were getting on a plane filled with people...what could go wrong?
Shortly after boarding, Tan-man's true self became exceedingly more apparent. His love for air-travel that had shown itself in the airport terminal quickly developed into a fervent obsession. The man was hell-bent on getting anything and everything he could out of that flight.
Before we even started taxiing, he had managed to snag three small bottles of Jack Daniels. Did he drink them? No. He hoarded them. Every time the stewardess came through, he would snag another...and another...and another. Until the entire seat-back pocket was bulging with 86 proof goodness.
I watched in utter astonishment as he scored not two, not three, but FOUR free meals from our flight attendant. Was Tan-man ashamed of this blatant abuse of first-class privileges? No. In fact, he loudly boasted his scheming accomplishments to the entire first class cabin.
Meanwhile, I was sitting next to Tan-man, deciding whether or not I should laugh, cry, hide my face in shame, or just keep drinking...
I chose the booze. I think the stewardess felt bad for me because she kept the Baileys coming in full force. Within an hour, I had plowed through the entire stock of Baileys and moved on to Absolut...god bless my grandma...err...the stewardess.
When I was finally drunk enough not to care, we landed. I was psyched...and a little sick. I had my carry-on bag in one hand and a barf-bag in the other when Tan-man asked me to get his carry-on out of the overhead bin. I looked up and saw his huge, black duffel bag...I grabbed the handle and heaved with all my might, assuming that the bag was full of something heavy, like clothing, shoes, grenades, dead hookers...but alas, as I heaved, the bag flew out of the overhead bin and clocked the woman across the aisle.
"What the fuck?!?" I'm pretty sure I said that out loud.
Either I was drunk He-Man or...nope...wait...his bag was empty. EMPTY! Well, not quite empty. The bag felt like it was filled with Styrofoam packing peanuts!
"What the fuck?!?" I definitely said that out loud.
Sure enough, Tan-man took his bag and opened it to reveal not packing peanuts, but about a dozen airline pillows!
"What the fuck?!?" This time, everyone within a 4 seat radius said it.
We all watched in awe as he loaded 12 bottles of Jack, 3 complimentary magazines, 2 more pillows and 2 sets of airline silverware into the duffel bag. He didn't even blink - it was like business as usual for Tan-man.
As soon as I was off the plane, I ran into my girlfriend's arms...then I grabbed her by the waist, spun her around and told her to run for her life as Tan-man approached.
I puked in the barf-bag on the drive back to her apartment.
User Reviews
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-01-05 11:30:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was really funny.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-01-03 13:55:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
air travel is the devil. embrace gravity, and repent!
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-01-03 12:20:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kid: "So, if I was on an airplane, would I 'be fly' on an airplane?"
Play: "That depends"
Kid: "Depends on what?"
Play: "It depends on what you be wearing."
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-12-29 14:57:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-29 08:58:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What a loser.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-12-29 08:50:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-12-28 20:04:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit, Zandy... you met GOD!!
Who knew God was a fan of JD and tan suits?
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-28 18:24:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The sctech isn't *that* great, but this post made me laugh like an idiot.
Waaaaaaiiiiit...
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2004-12-28 18:17:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Herpes -
I was THAT close to making this line:
"His enthusiasm for air-travel was infectious, like cholera..."
say:
"His enthusiasm for air-travel was infectious, like herpes..."
seriously...THAT close.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-12-28 18:03:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome skit.
Good story.
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2004-12-28 17:44:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
precision - nice! You're probably not too far off. Feel free to write a fictional Part Deux if you like :)
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2004-12-28 17:37:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I came.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-12-28 17:24:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2004-12-28 17:15:45 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-12-28 16:34:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
What could he possibly be doing with all that crap?
---
That's a VERY good question. Another good, scary question is: if he's traveling 6 days a week, what does he do on the 7th day?
egad!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
on the seventh day, he buries the bodies of flight attendants who DON'T give him his pillow
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2004-12-28 17:15:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-12-28 16:34:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
What could he possibly be doing with all that crap?
---
That's a VERY good question. Another good, scary question is: if he's traveling 6 days a week, what does he do on the 7th day?
egad!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-28 16:51:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-12-28 16:34:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What could he possibly be doing with all that crap? The Jack Daniels I understand, but how many airline pillows does one person actually need?
I once stole an airline blanket, took it camping, and then left it on the seat on the return flight. I wonder if they were curious as to why it smelled like wood smoke.
Submitted by houseman (user info) at 2004-12-28 16:30:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
tanman hahahahahahahaha
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-28 15:52:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus
fucking
two
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-12-28 15:48:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn straight.
Submitted by MaximusPadus (user info) at 2004-12-28 15:46:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Zandy kicks ass.
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2004-12-28 15:45:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
4 life, bro...
4 life.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-12-28 15:44:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder why I'm doing this? Zandy? Explain to the children please?
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-12-28 15:43:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...............................................................ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAMDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDKRT i fucked it up. Bill Murray is tight yo.
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-12-28 15:41:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking Crazy.
I guess you have to make the best you can out of any situation.
But you can thank that guy for rising airline costs!
Great post.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-12-28 15:39:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There's something odd about people that wear a lot of tan.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-12-28 15:36:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a funny, funny man.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2004-12-28 15:32:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Worth the read. Nice job.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2004-12-28 15:30:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"His enthusiasm for air-travel was infectious, like cholera"
hahahaha