Camping is dangerous, but fishing is worse (781 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by VodkaFace (View user info) at 2004-12-29 00:26:23 EST
A couple of years ago, my friends and I went camping. Now, my take on camping is that it is an extremely fun 2-5 days, where you get insanely dirty, eat nearly unpalateable food, hurt yourself on everything, and break any nice thing you happened to bring along with you. Just to illustrate my last point, one of my friends, Jeff, brought a brand new battery powered boom box. By the end of the camping trip, it no longer worked.
My friends and I also like to fish, and to eat the fish we catch, so, naturally we brought out fishing poles.
The first couple of days were uneventful yet fun-filled days consisting of waking up late, basking in the sun, eating dirt-covered hotdogs, and staying up late drinking beer over the 4-alarm fire we had managed to stir up. Chris was there with me and as we lounged in the fold-up chairs we had brought, he raised his face to the heavens, tipped his beer in a salute, and promptly jinxed us all.
"Ah, yes! There is nothing that can ruin this wonderful time we are having!"
Unfortunately, me and Jeff not being clairvoyant, we were unable to see the fallacy of this particular statement.
The terrible, terrible fallacy.
The next day, we had agreed to wake up early to go fishing on the beautifully serene lake so, around dawn when my watch alarm went off, we rose from our respective tombs and headed down to the lake. Let me take this time to say that it was magnificent. That cool, quiet morning will stay with me the rest of my life, and not because of what transpired later. The water was as smooth as glass, and our lines were the only things that disturbed the water. It was no surprise then that Jeff got a bite.
Ha, ha, ha...Jeff got a bite.
Whatever it was under the water had taken a severe liking to the artificial Jeff had affixed to his hook and apparently figured that running away with it was the best course of action because mere seconds after Jeff's line bobbed, he was trying to reel in what was apparently a sumo wrestler. We finally got it landed and found out that it was a 23 inch, 10 pound large mouth bass. How such a small creature fought so valiently is a clear testament to what incredible pussies we were as humans. It was no surprise then what happened next.
Once we had trudged the fish up to our campsite, we got to joshing one another, particularly Jeff, on how such a little fish would so heartily kick our ass. The mood turned from one of light-hearted chicanery, to one of hurt defensiveism. Jeff pulled the fish up by the stringer and yelled at it, apparently to prove to it who was the dominant species. This did not disuade us in the least and we continued razzing Jeff.
Us:"You are that fish's prison bitch man, just get down on your knees and accept your fate."
Jeff:"Fuck you, and fuck this fish."
Us, brighteneing considerably:"Oh yeah! Fuck the fish!"
Jeff:"Real mature."
Now, there is something you should know about Jeff. Jeff is a compulsive gambler and probably the biggest pervert I have personally ever known. In seventh grade, Jeff got suspended for taking a girl's panties, putting them on his head and running through the hallways during passing period. We also got suspended because it got around that we had dared him to do it. Armed with this knowledge about Jeff, we took the next logical step.
Us:"No, really, fuck the fish."
Jeff:"What?"
Us:"We bet you fifty bucks you won't fuck that fish."
Jeff:"WHAT?"
Us:"Fifty bucks to whip your cock out and skullfuck that fish."
Jeff:"No way."
Us:"A hundred."
Jeff looked at us, then looked at the fish. Chris and I could tell the tides were turning.
Jeff:"Two hundred."
Us:"One fifty."
Jeff:"One seventy-five."
We really wanted to see this, and were afraid of Jeff backing down if the stakes got too high so we left the bet at $175. Chris ran off towards the tent and fetched the new boombox for some "mood music" and got everyone a beer. Chris and I sat, rapt, waiting for the floor show to begin.
Jeff:"Tell anyone about this and we all die in a ritual suicide, got it?"
Chris and I nodded emphatically. At this point we would have agreed to whoring out our grandmothers to the Yakuza mob if it meant seeing our friend cross the species barrier. Jeff took the stringer out of the Bass's mouth and undid his zipper. In the background, Moby was spinning up an earful of Porclain. The entire fucking forest was silent, watching the events that were to transpire.
Jeff pulled out his manhood and pulled open the bass's mouth.
Jeff Inserted The Hallowed Member.
Just to let you know, fish do have teeth. On bass, they are like little barbs lining the mouth. Not big, but there all the same. Jeff mentioned this as he pumped the fish in an overly comical manner. Chris and I were dying. I'm sure our laughter could be heard in China. At this point, with everybody howling laughter, even Jeff, who was now spanking the fish's ass and calling it a good little pond slave, mother nature decided to turn the dial up to eleven.
The fish sprang back to life, surprised that the worm was still in it's mouth. It bit.
Jeff screamed.
Chris suddenly looked as though he had seen someone pull their face off before they asked for a cup of coffee. Jeff looked like...Well, he looked like a fish was biting his dick. He looked, in a word, surprised. I have no idea what I looked like because I was too busy pissing myself with laughter. Jeff was dancing around the campsite, pants around his ankles, with a live, flopping, largemouth bass protruding from his groin. I can only imagine what a park ranger would have done had he inadvertantly stumbled upon our little spectacle.
Jeff was now in a full blown panic and Chris was getting up to help him. Chris reached Jeff, grabbed the fish out of his hands and yanked.
Jeff screamed. Again. Only louder.
Chris fell back to the ground with the fish flopping in his hands. I was busy shitting myself with laughter. I finally stumbled out of my chair to help one of my friends and it was at that precise moment Karma decided to repay me for sitting in my chair and laughing like an asshole. As I shuffled forward to help Chris up, tears in my eyes from laughing so hard, I stumbled over the boombox that was still playing and tried to catch myself. I stepped on the now rolling boombox. The boombox shattered a split second after my ankle did.
Apparently someone heard all the ruckus and called the ranger station. Shortly after all our fun had ended in considerable pain, the park ranger showed up and looked at all of us like we were insane. He helped us get to the hospital, which was about an hour's drive. The hospital had three admissions at around 7:30 AM in rapid succession. One was for a bruised tailbone, one was for a fractured ankle, and one was for...a lacerated penis.
Jeff now refuses to go camping with us, even if we promise to leave our fishing poles at home.
User Reviews
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-01-04 18:23:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Jeff looked like...Well, he looked like a fish was biting his dick. He looked, in a word, surprised."
That sealed the deal.
Submitted by VodkaFace (user info) at 2005-01-04 18:04:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's truly scary how long those fish can survive out of water, it's like they hold their breath or something.
Submitted by Umbra_Astralis (user info) at 2005-01-04 17:51:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Greatest fishing tale ever
Submitted by houseman (user info) at 2005-01-04 17:48:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fuckin priceless
B@W
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2005-01-04 17:34:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W Nomination!
B@W!
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-01-04 12:17:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Vodka, I foresee you reaching the MVA. Good work on the two posts I've read so far.
Submitted by TragicKingdom (user info) at 2004-12-29 19:09:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-12-29 18:51:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by VodkaFace (user info) at 2004-12-29 15:53:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
We never paid him per se, but we did buy him a new boom box.
The sad thing is that most of these replies are funnier than the original post. It's frightening how many ways you can double entendre having sex with a fish.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2004-12-29 13:51:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jarvis (user info) at 2004-12-29 10:14:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
10lbs is pretty big. You should've gotten it mounted.
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Heh. He mounted it, all right.
Right when I read "Fuck the fish!" I thought to myself, "I don't like where this is going."
My fears were founded.
Did you pay him the cash? I think you should have thrown in some extra coin just for the damage done to his trouser-bait.
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-12-29 13:39:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sick, sick, sick. . . but funny as shit.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-29 11:58:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would say something witty here, but I can't stop laughing.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-29 11:25:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought the story was fucking awesome, but the sealer was this comment...
Submitted by Jarvis (user info) at 2004-12-29 10:14:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
10lbs is pretty big. You should've gotten it mounted.
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I wonder if the double meaning was purposful...
Submitted by Jarvis (user info) at 2004-12-29 10:14:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
10lbs is pretty big. You should've gotten it mounted.
Submitted by rurumon (user info) at 2004-12-29 09:21:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The image of moby howling porcelain in the background while your friend lays some pipe in a fish is fucking hilarious.
Submitted by MaximusPadus (user info) at 2004-12-29 09:10:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Weird, but uh.....................................................
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-12-29 02:25:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor Jeff.
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2004-12-29 02:00:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2004-12-29 01:08:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Walrus (user info) at 2004-12-29 00:56:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So far so good out of you, keep writing and you'll have yourself some fans.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-12-29 00:53:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you're going to read his fishing story, read my camping story.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/53677
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-12-29 00:45:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed a bit.
read my fishing story: http://www.ubersite.com/m/54423
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2004-12-29 00:41:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh...