If a man sets his penis on fire in the forrest but no one is around to see it, is it still funny? (1751 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.94 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ENV3NOM (View user info) at 2004-12-29 14:25:27 EST
Hi kids, welcome to everyone's favorite educational TV show, Masturbation Station!
I'm your host, McRough the Flog Dog.
Today's lesson is about safety.
Kids, did you know that each year thirty-five million Americans suffer masturbation-related accidents? And ninety five percent of those accidents happen within one and a half miles of home. You'd think the radius would be smaller, but I guess some guys just a bit impatient. Remember kids, you should never flog and drive. That's what truck stops are for.
Our first guest today is Pete Johnson. Let's all give Pete a big hand.
"So Pete, you're no stranger to masturbation related accidents, tell us about your experience."
"Well, you see McRough, I was a boy scout, and I learned to masturbate the same way a boy scout would start a fire. I just put the stick in between my flattened palms and began rubbing vigorously."
"Well that doesn't sound too bad. What was the problem?"
"The problem was friction. I still had some gasoline on my hands from filling up the lawnmower earlier that day, and I created so much friction it began smoking. Before I knew it, there was a spark, and then it was all over."
"Boy, I bet that was embarrassing. How's it looking down there?"
"Well, my "log" has recovered from the second-degree burns, but the floor of the forest is bare. Nothing but a few scorched remains."
"Sounds painful. Gee, that's too bad Pete. Never would have happened if he learned to masturbate correctly, huh boys and girls?"
(Children in unison) "NO!"
Heh, well let's move on to our next guest, shall we? Next we have Rusty McGirth, from Jonesville Arkansas. For the last twenty years poor Rusty's had his hand grafted to his penis.
"Tell us Rusty, how does something like that happen?"
"It's cuz I's illiterate McRough."
"Not knowing how to read got you permanently joined to your Johnson?
"It's cuz I didn't learn my alphabets."
"I see, do tell."
"My moms used to keep all the bottled things alphabetized in little drawers. Instead of opening "L" for lotion and lubrication, I grabbed "G" for glue. The bottles looked the same so I's didn't know any better."
"That's terrible Rusty. What kind of glue was it?"
"Wood glue."
"How appropriate. Did you call the fire department? Did they bring in the jaws of life?"
"My moms said if God wanted me to have a penis and hand that wasn't stucked together then this woulda never happened, and that it was a blessin' to get me to learn to read."
"I see, your mother sounds like a brilliant woman. Tell me, what's the most challenging part of your disability?"
"I'd have to say cuttin' bigger holes in my pants so's I can writes with my wiener in my hand."
"Truly inspiring. Thank you for sharing that wonderfully tragic tale with us Rusty."
Well kids, remember how I told you at the beginning of the show how ninety percent of all masturbation related accidents take place in and around the home? Well do you know where the other ten percent take place? That's right, prison! Our next guest hails from the Texas State Penitentiary, please welcome Alvaro Escobar!
"Welcome Alvaro, how are you doing on this fine day?"
"Muy bien, it's a pleasure to be here holmes."
"Alvaro, inmates are constantly masturbating, yet only ten percent of masturbation related accidents happen in prison. How do you explain that?"
"We're very experienced."
"And how! We've got a special treat for you kids, Alvaro's going to teach us all how to masturbate safely by making a fifi. For those of you who don't know, a fifi is a masturbatory device made from a sock and other household items. Tell us Alvaro, how do we begin? Alvaro? Alvaro? Is everything ok? You seem a bit distracted."
"I'm sorry ese, this sock puppet back stage was making googley eyes at me."
"Aw, well isn't that cute."
"Cute? Who you calling cute ese? I'll fuck you up, don't you know I'm loco?"
"Wow Alvaro, you seem very passionate about this."
"It is a very serious matter. We're in love, and plan to get married."
"Well isn't that special? Perhaps we can have the ceremony on our show? But that's for another episode, let's move on to making our fifi's."
"I'm afraid I can't help you with that ese, I'm a one sock hombre now."
"Well, this has surely been an interesting turn of events. I suppose our fifis will have to wait until another episode.
Until next time kids, always remember, a few strokes a day keeps the hookers and venereal disease away! I'm your host McRough the Flog Dog, signing off!"
(Rolling credits, theme song)
Masturbation Station
What's the occasion?
Everybody masturbates
Black, White, Asian...
User Reviews
Submitted by Thored (user info) at 2005-03-09 07:02:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Our first guest today is Pete Johnson. Let's all give Pete a big hand.
-----
Too good.
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-03-09 06:55:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Since I referred to this post, I guess I should rate it.
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-12-31 02:39:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-12-29 18:51:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good job. I like the full song.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-12-29 17:14:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That'll be next episode munkey.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-12-29 16:29:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
flaming peeners are always funny, provided I get to hear the story
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-12-29 16:27:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The good news for you boyz is that there is a new drug on the market that is supposed to prevent premature ejaculation.
Submitted by VodkaFace (user info) at 2004-12-29 16:15:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<insert childish giggle here>
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-12-29 15:34:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"wood glue."
"don't you know I'm loco?"
Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-29 15:34:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i bet female stories of masturbation gone wrong would be much more interesting...
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-12-29 15:31:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2004-12-29 14:26:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
fuckin a flyin roflcopter for that theme song...
still laughin
_________________________________________________
That was the abridged version. The extended version goes something like
Masturbation Station
What's the occasion?
Everybody masturbates
Black White Asian
At your boss' desk
While he's on vacation
Beat out the baby batter
Till it looks like a raisin
Careful not too hard
Can't risk an abrasion
Get carpal tunnel file
Workman's compensation
Everybody's doin it
Across the nation
Masturbation Station
The home of elation...
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-29 15:23:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If it weren't so dirty, I'd say B@W.
But it's so dirty, so I'll just say
HOLY FUCK?!?!?!?!
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-12-29 15:16:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
beautiful
Submitted by MaximusPadus (user info) at 2004-12-29 15:04:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-29 14:51:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
This was funny.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-12-29 14:43:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
nice.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2004-12-29 14:43:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2004-12-29 14:34:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-12-29 14:34:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually, I was going to do that for you BOB, but you beat me to the punch.
Partially inspired by the following post...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/40484
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-12-29 14:30:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The doctor asked me if my penis burns after sex.
I told him that I never tried lighting it.
I would throw a link here to my how to build a fifi post, but that would be crass.
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-12-29 14:29:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Eleventy seven levels or AWESOME!
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2004-12-29 14:26:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fuckin a flyin roflcopter for that theme song...
still laughin