When widows attack -or- I am the Antichrist (816 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by VodkaFace (View user info) at 2004-12-30 03:04:21 EST
It was about a year ago, right after we had gotten back from Fallon, Nevada (more on that in the future) and right before I had met my now current girlfriend. My buddy Chris's Grandfather died and he asked me to attend the wake. Of course being a friend and having alrady beaten Metal Gear Solid 2 for the umpteenth time, I had nothing else to do on a Saturday afternoon and agreed.
The day came and Chris was handling it pretty well. The grieving process was coming by him a little slow because he apparently hadn't known Grandfather Kurt very well and Kurt had apparently failed to send any large financial windfalls his way upon death. I couldn't say I could blame him. The wake was nice, it was clearly well funded. And the typical quiet, looming feeling of anxiety hung in the air. People ate their soda crackers, drank their beverages, and whispered quietly about the unfailing virtues that Grandpappy Kurt apparently had in spades since his death. Now, this wake, however uncomfortable it was, was a social situation and, as such I was expected to mingle.
Let's get this straight right now just in case you feel the misguided urge to invite me to one of your upcoming funerals. I can mingle at keggers. I can mingle at toga parties. I can mingle at birthday parties, Christmas parties, costume parties, cocktail parties, town meetings, DMV waiting lines, and goddammit, I can mingle at fucking orgies. The one place I *cannot* successfully mingle is where a fucking dead body is the center of conversation. I have a bad habit of trying to make light of situations to spark a conversation and, unfortunately, add that to a funeral and a typical VodkaFace icebreaker would be something like this:
"Wow! Is that guy dead or what?" or "Doesn't he look like Bela Lugosi with all that makeup on?" So the notion of me making polite conversation in the middle of a grave social situation is slim to none. But even I was not prepared for what came out of my mouth when the old lady dressed in black sidled up next to me and began to weep softly. As she stood there, by the snack cart which I had staked out and jealously guarded, crying quietly into her glass of wine, I became more and more uncomfortable until I finally determined that I had to say something. I turned slightly towards her and she looked up, expectantly. I motioned towards the open casket on the other side of the room with a vienna sausage.
Now, I sincerely intended to say something tender, caring and sympathetic to this lady, but also strictly noncommittal. In fact, what I wanted to say was "Well, at least now he's in a better place." I figured that this would convey the proper amount of sympathy given the situation. I knew it would comfort this old woman who was obviously regarding death with a certain immediacy. I knew it would get her away from my snack cart. Unfortunately, what actually came out of my mouth was not only the worst possible thing I could have said, it was on the same level as proclaiming myself as the seed of my mother's incestuous infidelity at a family reunion (more on that in the future). What I actually said was, "Well, at least now the world's a better place." I swear, when I said the words, they sounded the way I wanted them to, they sounded right, but I realized as the room went deathly silent and as this woman looked at me as if I were the antichrist, I had said somehting bad. The woman stared at me, looking at me not only as if I were the antichrist, but as if I were actually wearing a crown of aborted fetuses. I looked into her eyes and recognized her from pictures around the room where she was posing happily with the recently deceased. My mind farted out a forgone conclusion and suddenly my lips felt numb. I sucked a breath in through clenched teeth.
Shiiiiiiiiiit. I had just punked the widow.
I looked around and saw the *entire* room staring at me. Chris appeared at my side.
"Dude we have to get you out of here." he mumbled, pulling me away by the arm. I was relieved for about two seconds, which was about how long it took for the widow to reach out and grab my arm with a grip that made my bones creak. As hard as it was for me to believe, things were getting worse.
"Why? Who are you? You're *evil*! WHY? What did Kurt ever do to you?" She was clutching me and pulling me close and crying. The rest of the mourners were advancing menacingly, turning into a grief stricken mob. I honestly felt like the antichrist. I doubt I could have been any more offensive, with the possible exception of taking the dead body out of the casket and fucking it while making idle comments about Bela Lugosi. Chris was pulling me towards the door and this old woman was trying to get me lynched by everyone else in the room. I yanked my arm away from her and let Chris drag me outside. Once outside and with several yards between me and the mourning mob, Chris turned to me.
"Promise me you won't come to my funeral. I don't think I could take the drama."
User Reviews
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-01-18 09:49:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice. No. not nice. wait, yes, nice. fukkit, it was funny.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-01-18 09:44:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that is some funny shit!
Submitted by DamianD (user info) at 2005-01-18 09:28:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Impressed
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-01-18 05:10:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh... I hope that any wake I go to doesn't have the cadaver in the same fucking room. That's freaky stuff, and i'm not good with freaky.
Is cadaver the wrong word to use? Heh...
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-01-04 12:59:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
man, that's hardcore.
Submitted by The_Walrus (user info) at 2004-12-31 09:49:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of these days you're going to write something I can't +2... one of these days.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-30 13:04:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a horrible, horrible person.
Good job.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-12-30 12:51:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so wrong...so funny
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-30 10:37:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Average rating of all messages: 1.97
Dude, you fucking rock.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2004-12-30 08:21:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So horribly offensive and wrong
Here's a 2!
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-12-30 03:45:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're going to hell.
Save me a seat or something.