Message Machines Can Get You Laid (983 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.42 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by daniel <daniel.at.writerspacemail.com> (View user info) at 2004-12-30 23:01:50 EST
Like many people, I let my answering machine screen my calls. Even if it's a hottie calling that I really want to talk to, I usually let the Screen-Machine do its job. Let's see what's up with them before picking up or returning their call. It's safer- they might need to borrow money, in which case I've dodged a serious bullet -and if it's a booty call, and I'm game, I can always call back.
"I was in the shower, what up?"
Either way, not picking up the phone leaves the impression that I was otherwise involved, which cranks me up on their esteem scale a few notches. Girls always want most what they can't get. Even if they suspect I'm screening calls. Same holds true for my cell.
"That bastard, he's screening calls, even mine!" Or, "That bastard, he's out having all kinds of godaweful fun. . . without me."
(Substitute "You" for "I" in the above equation and it works out the same, although not grammatically.)
I came in a while ago and played back my messages, which inspired me to quickly write this; although I wasn't screening calls earlier, since I was actually out, but the Message-Leavers didn't know this.
(There's a girl who lives across the street who I don't hang out with or know that well but she knows most my friends, and these friends know her but don't know that I know that she knows them, so they can easily call her and ask: "Is his car in the driveway?" And I'm sure (more than sure) she tells them. Because I'd only been home about ten minutes when my phone started ringing.
Message machines rule.
I was dodging bullets like Keanu Reeves as I was assaulted by whining voice after voice, couples being the full-metal jacket: "Daniel, we've got all this food cooked and we've..." (We've, we've. I hate it when girls say "we" or "we've" unless it's two females) "We've left like three messages since Christmas, but..."
BEEP. "Danny, it's aunt Irene." *cover ears for four minutes reciting the preamble to the Constitution as she rambles*.
BEEP: "Hey butt-fuck, it's Kenny. (Old high school friend) ". . .left like five messages. You Psychedelic Furs loving, long-haired throwback fag. . . so anyhow she's pregnant with a broken leg. . . you get Nirvana's box set? Kicks all KINDS of ass. Love ya man! Late." (He said "late.")
BEEP. "
"Hi Daniel, it's Meg."
(After four to five messages left unanswered on my machine and cell last week. Meg knows the girl across the street. Although not my target girl, Meg still knows her, Shannon from Pensacola, the hottest girl, who spent three weeks here this summer but I haven't heard from but a few times since, and they've been talking. By the way, all of Meg's message endings would fit nicely into a yearbook signing): "I was just gonna tell you about this cheesy movie on called 'Ring Of Darkness' ? ... Are you home? .... Guess we missed each other the last week. Hope you're okay, I'm a little worried. Give me a call when you get this.
I like the Pope 'cause the Pope smokes dope.
Love ya always,
Meg.
(Like I didn't already know her name after 5 years!)
((Before the next Beep, I should mention another call I got over the holidays from Uber's Hollygolitely. She has the sexiest voice (so much so she could be a phone sex girl) although she is anything but sleazy. She's awesome, smart, and sounds a little Canadian although she's somehow in Kentucky.) That's indirectly involved in phone messages, so I couldn't leave it out, and I didn't let Screen-Machine pick up when she called.))
Next BEEP:
Hi it's Shannon. I'm stopping by Meg's tonight about 10 and thought I'd give you a call. I don't understand why you don't call back when I leave messages. Are you pissed, or dead? I'm bringing Half-n-Half." (her cat, which means she's planning on staying the night in Orange Beach. Score. Maybe.)
Gotta clean up now, brush teeth, hide sick porn, get out good porn, et cetra. The moral is: message machines can get you laid. If you know how to work them.
User Reviews
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-09-02 13:50:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
nice
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-03-08 18:05:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2005-03-08 17:59:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WOW..........didn't see THAT coming!
Sorry for the late reviews of your most ....recent?....posts (how did I miss them?!). I was GOING to say that the other day when uberpeople were talking about who the nicest/most sincere uberer was....I'd have chosen you... then I found out about your dark side! You playboy.
Also, would have chosen you for not receiving as much attention as you deserve. Then, again...you don't post very often.
A?
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-04 15:52:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
251-975-7027 <----------- Call this guy
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-01-19 21:50:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
My palm is itchy.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-01-19 21:33:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
for that
http://www.ubersite.com/m/57184#1084284
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2005-01-03 12:14:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You're getting a bad rap on this one. Not to shabby.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-12-31 02:41:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
reading this was like wading through knee-deep raw sewage. It stunk and I wasn't sure why I was doing it.
Submitted by Dustbrother (user info) at 2004-12-31 01:26:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by MoonStone (user info) at 2004-12-31 00:18:39 (#)
Ranking: -1
kinda slow and boring.
----------------------------------
Hear, hear.
Submitted by MoonStone (user info) at 2004-12-31 00:18:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
kinda slow and boring.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-12-30 23:55:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
call screening is the way to go.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2004-12-30 23:20:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
is it odd that i have no comment, but still take the time to write this? methinks something is amiss.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2004-12-30 23:09:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I don't like people who abuse the awesome power of call-screening. You're taking the easy way out.
Also, I'm not sure what the point of that post was. Written okay, but just meandered too much for me.