Un-fuckin' believeable. Every fucking woman in my life! (2157 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.71 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Schwarzes_Glas (View user info) at 2004-12-31 12:13:02 EST
Unreal! What the fuck?
Yesterday I get a call from "Shannon." She finally got her move situated, and found the pictures I've been ITCHING to get back for the last year. When we broke up last year, I was willing to let them go - most men (and women) of today's gen can't break up for shit, and I'm a firm believer of breaking up and killing contact (99% of the time). But she called this month, and reminded me of them and I decided I wanted them back.
They were pictures from a job I had when I was 19. I worked at a water park, made tons of friends, and met a lot of women. Great pictures. I went over to her house yesterday on my lunch break.
See, what's bullshit is this: I know better. In no way am I saying I'm "the" cash crop. I just attract fucking nutbags. "Problems with your father? Come on through!"
Before Shannon there was Jen. Stay away from women with red hair, named Jen. Part of me wants to say stay away from red heads altogether AND girls named Jen, but that's a little jaded.
Jen and I dated for 9 months. She was fuckin' smokin: Straight red hair, green eyes, 5ft10, large C cup, about 130 pounds. She was one of those girls that you get complemented on - the kind of girl all other girls hate. She was rich, and a snob. I love snobs - it's so attractive.
I knew Jen was a little nutty - she had periodic panic attacks. Real, chemically imbalanced panic attacks - not the "Oh I watched Tony Soprano and that explains it - now I'm on Paxil" syndrome. Course, this didn't bother me. It wasn't a huge issue. Her dad traveled 5 days a week for the last 18 years - like the entire family isn't going to be a little fucked up. Her little 15 year old brother couldn't even catch a football - perfect situation for my hero complex.
If there's one thing I hate, its fights/stress over money. So on the 9th month, I broke up with her. For once, it wasn't going to be a "real" breakup - just a 3 day reminder of "don't fucking ever do that again." She had loaned me some money, and immediately held it over my head. I took her to the cash station, got $250 out, threw it on her lap and said "It's over."
I don't be harsh for the sake of being harsh - it had to be done.
She climbed in the backseat (?) and started screaming about something. The original plan was to pick up my buddy Keith from work, and drop her off at home for the night.
The 3 of us pull into Jen's driveway in complete silence.
"Get out."
"No."
"Jen-"
"No."
And with that, she fucking close fisted me in the back of the head. My face hit the horn and everything - I had no idea she had it in her. I regain myself in a few seconds:
"FINE - I'LL FUCKING DRAG YOU OUT."
BAM - she was out like a light, and now she's behind the car with her hands on the trunk.
"Jen, get the hell out of the way."
"You're not leaving."
"Jen - come on, just sleep it off."
"You fucker. I hate you."
"Jen, no you don't. Come here - talk to me."
"..."
"I'm serious, come on."
The minute she approached my window, I slammed it in reverse and hit the gas. Haha - victory! *SNAP* - Keith goes "What the fuck was that?" Halfway out in the street, I get out to investigate the noise. Jen is now standing in the middle of her lawn, with her typical dizzy look on her face.
The girl had broken my antenna off. The car is an Infiniti, and was less than a month old at the time. I snapped and marched right up to her on her lawn.
Course, I couldn't hit her. I also couldn't compose my thoughts through the rage, and all that came out was:
"You're FUCKIN' NUTS."
And I left.
On my way home, I get a call from my dad - I was still living at home at the time.
"Where are you?"
"Coming home from Jen's. You won't fucking believe wha-"
"The police called. They said you hit Jen with your car."
My life instantly flashes before my eyes. Jen knew exactly where to strike. Because we were lovers and shared, she knew that I couldn't get into ANY trouble with the cops until I was 25. She knew that I had been busted for some hell raising when I was younger, and later when I was 18. Probation people - you CAN'T get busted on probation.
- In my youth, I was always the guy that got caught. You probably all have a friend that's just like me in this sense.
I get home and the cops are already there. They arrest me, I post bail, and they and tell me to "stay in the state."
I get home, pissed and shaken. I then re-hooked up my phone into my PC, and set up the recording. I call up Jen all calm "I love you" voice, and she agrees (after about 45 minutes) to drop all the charges if I meet her the next day. I got it all on tape.
This was the first time ever that someone had pulled a 180 on me. She was the perfect girlfriend for the majority, but had this dark half that I never, ever saw before. For what it's worth, I'm good at reading people too.
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Suffice to say, I was a little wary about going to Shannon's yesterday during lunch. I really, really wanted those pictures, but Shannon's been known to be a little freaky too. She's pulled the false "I'm pregnant" shit which - TO ALL WOMEN READING THIS - is fucking sick, twisted bullshit.
I show up at her shell of a home (German immigrants with no cash) and stroll up to her door. She answers, and I notice she's COMPLETELY done up. Tight contrasting clothes, makeup - dressed very clubby and skanky (in a good way). She calls me up to her room (hint #1) to grab the pictures.
We talk for a little, and I notice she's acting like she's on fucking coke. I get the pictures (of course, some were missing) and get up to leave.
She gets in my face and just says, just fucking says, "You aren't leaving her until you FUCK me."
I've never heard that before. The most colorful statement I've heard in '04.
She knew what her and I were always best at. This is true - we were terrific at it. I remember once we did a whole bunch of GHB and had sex for 4 hours.
Course, I couldn't do it. Just because her new boyfriend is a bitch doesn't mean I should ruin his happiness - I've had it happen to me, and I'd never wish it on another man. Plus, I'm with someone special now too (so far).
I started getting a little hyper myself, and I made for her door. She JUMPS in front of me, and slams her back against the door. I say
"You're fucking nuts."
The lock is now stuck, and we can't get out.
"Oh come on. Now you have to!"
"Shannon, NO. We're both with someone, and I have to get back to work. Open this fucking door."
"The only way to get the door open is to go out on the roof, get down to the ground and in the front door."
I remember this happening before to us.
"I'm not jumping off your roof."
"Oh come on, it's not that far."
"Shannon I'm not jumping off your fucking roof."
I'm terribly afraid of heights. So I let her do it. Hell SHE's the one who has done it 100 times. One more won't hurt and like I said - I'm not jumping off her fucking roof.
She exits. 5 minutes go by, 10, 20! Finally, her door opens and she's on the floor covered in sweat. She broke her foot.
"Get out - my boyfriend is coming over."
"WTF Shan I can't leave you here."
"He's coming and he's taking me to the hospital."
So I did what any sensibly, caring and kind ex-boyfriend would do - I left. She fucking told me to! Anyways, she sent me an email today and she's fine. She's going to be in a cast, which sucks but it could be worse.
Remember fellas - when in Rome, look for the signs....
Happy New year
User Reviews
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2005-02-05 16:55:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I cannot identify with you. I can't give this a -2, because it's not that bad, but I honestly feel I can't give this a good rating.
No, not even a 0.
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2005-01-07 17:00:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Post some photos bitch.
Submitted by rhi (user info) at 2005-01-03 12:38:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MadScientist:
I am that guy that is super-nice...no matter what. Women take that for a weakness.
Every woman I have ever been with has stepped on me.
This makes me a complete fucking nutjob with all my future "prospects". I dont trust them, I dont trust them, I DONT FUCKING TRUST THOSE LYING BITCHES! And my lack of trust, and crazy suspicion/paranoia/avoidance of emotional pain fucks everything up.
_____________________________________________________
Here's a whole webpage about nice guys who get crapped on:
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/niceguys/ng.shtml
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-01-03 12:34:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You did manage to get your pictures back after everything, right?
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-01-03 12:28:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
must be terrible having all these girls throwing themselves at you
Submitted by MaximusPadus (user info) at 2005-01-03 12:26:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for being Schwarzes_Glas
Submitted by rurumon (user info) at 2005-01-03 12:16:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
uh....I guess I have a good girlfriend then...
Submitted by Schwarzes_Glas (user info) at 2005-01-01 14:10:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MadScientist (user info) at 2005-01-01 04:43:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
Anyway- my first love went off to the beach on her birthday, and my "friends" came back with a video of them all fucking her. I didnt find out for a month. How's that for having your dick slammed in a door?
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Are you serious........ I would fucking hang them in the town square. And since my town doesn't really have one, I'd find a town that did.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-01-01 06:15:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
here's to the future, filled with mildly attractive and reasonably intelligent and stable women
Godspeed young warrior
Banga
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-01-01 05:24:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MadScientist (user info) at 2005-01-01 04:43:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude...+2 because I can relate.
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you relate to nothing, you are a bot! bot! bot!
-call me
Submitted by MadScientist (user info) at 2005-01-01 04:43:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude...+2 because I can relate.
I am that guy that is super-nice...no matter what. Women take that for a weakness.
Every woman I have ever been with has stepped on me.
This makes me a complete fucking nutjob with all my future "prospects". I dont trust them, I dont trust them, I DONT FUCKING TRUST THOSE LYING BITCHES! And my lack of trust, and crazy suspicion/paranoia/avoidance of emotional pain fucks everything up.
Anyway- my first love went off to the beach on her birthday, and my "friends" came back with a video of them all fucking her. I didnt find out for a month. How's that for having your dick slammed in a door?
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-01-01 02:57:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The false pregnancy is a low-blow to keep a guy in a relationship.
I know how you feel about psychos. I've had my fair share. For instance, when a girl asks you to call her tomorrow, and then never acknowledges you ever again...
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-01-01 02:18:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Half of them put out rather quickly. The other half go all nutso before they've even given it up.
No bitch, I don't want to meet your parents. We've only gone out twice, and I haven't even gotten head. Stop calling me and crying because I haven't called you all week.
Submitted by PoloboiGC (user info) at 2004-12-31 16:26:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats one crazy bitch..
I have had my share of the crazy ladies..
man hell hath no fury like a women scorned
Submitted by Schwarzes_Glas (user info) at 2004-12-31 16:06:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-12-31 15:29:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
So I'm not the only one who attracts the complete fucking nutjobs?
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At least we get them in bed quicker... eh... right?
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2004-12-31 15:38:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That is unfucking believable. What a story dude.
Submitted by gabrielpm (user info) at 2004-12-31 15:33:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-12-31 15:29:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So I'm not the only one who attracts the complete fucking nutjobs?
Submitted by Schwarzes_Glas (user info) at 2004-12-31 15:19:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2004-12-31 12:19:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Consider yourself lucky.
Most women I date end up fucking someone else in my bed while I'm at work.
3 different women, 3 fucking times now, including the mother of my son.
Fuck 'em.
I think I'd rather get punched in the head.
--------------
Heh.... Now that's harsh.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-12-31 14:18:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rhi (user info) at 2004-12-31 13:30:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Girls have cooties.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I think what you meant to write was 'cooters'. "Girls have cooters."
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-12-31 14:13:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking HATE blanket statements. All women aren't psychos, just like all men aren't assholes. Granted, every man I've ever been involved with has been a complete and total jackass fuckface, but I know that there are decent dudes. Problem is, I'm related to them, and this ain't the deep south.
However, you were very careful to keep away from those. And you wrote well. And I actually feel bad for you. It's those sorts of fuckers that make us all look bad. And redheads get a bad rap ANYWAY without freaks like that chick making it worse. So, +2 for you for
a) not being a dick
b) not cheating
c) making me laugh
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-31 13:38:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' people.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-12-31 13:32:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn.
You guys sure know how to pick 'em!
Submitted by rhi (user info) at 2004-12-31 13:30:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Girls have cooties.
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2004-12-31 13:28:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
theres nothing i could say
-Black Ninja
Submitted by Mill29 (user info) at 2004-12-31 13:25:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never been with one thats actually nuts, been with some ones that have been real possessive.
Submitted by VodkaFace (user info) at 2004-12-31 13:13:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, you guys have it all wrong, you don't attract psychos because all women are psychos to begin with.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-12-31 12:54:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're just a goddamn magnet for weirdos, aren't you?
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-12-31 12:40:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2004-12-31 12:19:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Consider yourself lucky.
Most women I date end up fucking someone else in my bed while I'm at work.
3 different women, 3 fucking times now, including the mother of my son.
Fuck 'em.
I think I'd rather get punched in the head.
======================
No shit bro, the worst pain I have ever felt was the pain of my first loves betrayal.
I'd rather have my dick slammed in a door... almost.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-12-31 12:39:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious... not that I mean to laugh at your misery...
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2004-12-31 12:38:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
damn. sucks to be you. i would have folded and fucked her. i'm weak like that.
Submitted by prankster (user info) at 2004-12-31 12:35:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
HOW F"ING TRUE THE FAKE PREGNANCY SHIT SUCKS, HAPPENED TO ME LAST MONTH...AND SHE WAS A PSYCHO TOO... I SEEM TO ATTRACT THOSE TYPES ALSO.
Submitted by Hooktad (user info) at 2004-12-31 12:33:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Cheaters suck. I was an accessory to cheating for the first time this summer. I still feel
guilty. Women are ridiculous and I've a known a few guys that are real assholes too.
I hate people. Out of control.
Submitted by VoRn (user info) at 2004-12-31 12:31:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome story. Easy +2.
That's fucked Kre8rix, I just found out the other day my girlfriend had a threesome with some losers from a club. Happy new year!
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2004-12-31 12:19:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Consider yourself lucky.
Most women I date end up fucking someone else in my bed while I'm at work.
3 different women, 3 fucking times now, including the mother of my son.
Fuck 'em.
I think I'd rather get punched in the head.