Armed Robbery: Why NOT To Illegally Enter My Friend Nick's House (1030 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.25 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lechuga (View user info) at 2005-01-02 12:45:08 EST
My friend Nick is a crazy kid. Good friend of mine, but fuck with him, and he'll ruin your shit very quickly, without the aid of a weapon. But, why fight unarmed when you have several weapons at your disposal? Broad swords, Machetes, paintball guns, sledgehammers, large wooden staves, dead babies, etc.
Two nights ago, I was over his house, in his attic, playing Dynasty Warriors 4, and kicking some major ass, and generally not acting my age. His mother, brother, and sister were away skiing, so he and I could play Master Of Puppets at an astronomical volume. At about 3:30 in the morning, we decided to call it a night, because both of us had to work at 9:00 in the morning. He went into his room, and I took the couch.
No less than an hour later, we heard a crash downstairs in his kitchen. I figured it was his dog trying to get into something, and passed it off as such. Nick stepped into my line of sight and said, "We have to make sure no one broke in dude." I opened my eyes and, for some reason, said in a southern accent "go back ta bed 'for ah keel yew mahfugger!" I quickly realized I was talking like I was from Arkansas, so I woke up a bit and said:
"Nick, your dog is a hungry fucker, she wants food, so she probably found some, go back and get some semblance of sleep."
At that point he pulled me off the couch, stood me up, and turned all the lights on. Seeing as how now it would be more difficult to fall back asleep quickly, I chose to go along with one of these crazy schemes. "Fine fucker, we'll go." I grabbed a little flashlight, which turned out to be one of those white LED super-spotlight, ultra small, ultra bright, burn-a-hole-in-your-mom's-vagina type deals. I was prepared, but clearly not enough.
Nick, being the ambitious fucker he is, grabbed his broad sword, strapped it to his back, and then grabbed his Kingman Spyder EM1 paintball rifle. He threw me his spare, and after attaching the hoppers and tanks, we went downstairs to check the scene. I grabbed some tape and attached the mini-flashlight to the barrel of my gun, at the behest of Nick. This way, I'd have both my hands free, like his was. I was in tow, with my rented Tippman A5.
After tiptoeing around the upstairs to make sure there was no one up there, we crept downstairs to see the real action, where the noise came from. Considering we both have Military movement training á lá Splinter Cell, we took our shoes off and used hand signals to communicate. Mostly the middle finger.
Both of us slowly covered the entire downstairs, with the exception of the living room. We saw that the light was on, and remembered that we had turned it off before going into his attic. The way his downstairs is designed, is that two hallways converge on the living room. I circled the house and came up on the other side of the living room. We signaled to peek into the room, and saw a short stocky guy shoving DVDs into a duffel bag. We quickly formulated a plan that would take him down and not put us in harm's way.
We signaled to each other that I would cut the lights, and both of us would shoot him until he was down. I peeked around the corner again to make sure his back was still turned toward us, and saw that he had a Deagle (.357 cal Desert Eagle) conveniently tucked into his pants on his back. This dude was serious about his DVD's. I mouthed to Nick that he had a gun, and he looked and acknowledged. We clicked our respective safeties off, and then he nodded to me to go ahead with our advance.
We turned the flashlights on, concealed the light beams with our hands, then hit the lights. Both of us popped around the corner, firing at least 20 rounds within the first second. The guy went down within 3 seconds, blue and yellow paint all over him. Nick hit the lights, and the guy was on the floor with his hands up. I rolled him onto his back and put my knee on the back of his neck, and the barrel of the rifle a few inches from the back of his bald head. Nick grabbed the Deagle and threw it away. Then, for the "oh shit" factor, Nick drew his 2 1/2 foot sword and pointed it at the guy's neck, just to make sure he didn't move.
At this point, I definitely have realized that the Deagle can kill me in one shot, pretty much anywhere in my torso. I also realized that I might be dealing with a Class III Marksman, who can kill me Marine Corps style. Two bullets to the Sternum, one between the eyes. However, with the gun out of his grasp, I was in control. Plus, a paintball to the back of the head at three inches will hurt quite a bit.
Some words were said, but they were mostly moans of pain.
Nick got on the phone with the Police, and they showed up within minutes. He ditched the sword underneath his porch, outside the living room, and we made statements and everything formal. Since they aren't real firearms, and caused no permanent harm, no charges were to be filed. The Northborough Police were pretty amazed at our take down ability, considering we're stupid kids that have no marksman training.
Apparently, this was the guy that was breaking into houses all across my and the surrounding towns. The Sergeant told me that they didn't have enough information to link him just yet, but figured based on his appearance and motive; he was the guy they were looking for. We weren't going to get a medal or anything, but damn was he happy. He told us, off the record, that we are to never ever do this again, even though it was ballsy.
After everything was said and done, we had to clean the walls and windows that were covered in paint. After everything was cleaned, and it was 7:30 in the morning, we finally decided to go to sleep.
I got the sword from underneath the porch and hung it back up in the Attic where we went to sleep for 1 hour before going to work.
User Reviews
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-05-05 11:40:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-01-03 06:48:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2005-01-02 18:06:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for the story and +1 for the picture.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
agreed
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2005-01-27 01:44:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you should have kept the gun the guy "lost" in your house.
next guy who breaks and enters gets nailed for real.
-B
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-01-04 11:27:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know a guy called Bob who has swords, nunchucks [sic], a morning star and shit... He's a fucking nutter. He says he knows how to use them all, but I reckon he just played too much D&D as a child.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-01-04 11:26:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I suspect the cop also told you to never do it again because taking on an armed criminal isn't a very bright thing to do for anyone who values their life.
Hmmm, DVDs, or getting shot in the throat. Gee, tough choice.
Submitted by MaximusPadus (user info) at 2005-01-04 11:08:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That is ballsy.
+2 for you, my good man.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-01-03 13:10:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, rurumon, the law in Massachusetts states that you cannot defend property with lethal force. Lethal being something like a 12-guage shotgun, or a Machete, or something like that. Have you ever been shot with a paintball gun with no padding? Those things are no joke, even if you're hit once, they hurt a lot.
The reason the cop told us never to do that again was that it was borderline lethal force. Since the guy would make a full recovery, it wasn't considered lethal. If Nick had cut him with the sword or tried to slice him up or something, that would be lethal force.
Massachusetts being a really liberal state, we don't have really strict gun laws like other states do. By the way, PatheticCapitalistFuck, the dude steals DVDs and shit for a living. Don't you think he could buy one relatviely easily, or steal it for that matter?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-03 12:54:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Most home entry self defense laws tend to go something like this
"Defend youself enough to negate threat" or some such hooey.
But here in good ol' Col-ee-ray-do we gots ourselves a "Make My Day" law where it's shoot to kill!
WHOOOOOO!
We actually had a case on this either this year or last... Dude #1 shot the doggie of Dude #2 with a pellet gun. Dude #2 was pissed, and went over with a bat. Never went inside, and the screendoor never opened, but Dude #1 blew him away with a 12-guage, and because of the law, no charges were filed. He felt threatened in his own home by a violent assailant...
Did I mention these guys were both over 60?
Submitted by rurumon (user info) at 2005-01-03 12:39:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Such a thrilling situation, Im not sure why the story didnt grab me better. Just two things that didnt seem to click. First, you guys attacked a heavily armed man with paintball guns. Either you were full of it, or you have brass balls. Second, the cop told you to "never do that again." Correct me if I am wrong, but couldnt you have beheaded the SOB and still have the law on your side? Some ass broke into your house with a gun (intent to kill)...you had every right to defend yourself.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-01-03 06:48:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2005-01-02 18:06:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for the story and +1 for the picture.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
agreed
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2005-01-03 00:52:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The odds of a common thief carrying an $800 + firearm? Incredibly remote.
Good story, though.
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2005-01-03 00:39:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, my sword is bigger, and it has a shealth to go on belts.
Huh? Oh yeah, good post.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-01-03 00:21:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nah, Shlongster, it's not a camwhore. That's nick in the picture. The filename is "Nick_sword," just to let you know. I camwhored earlier.
Submitted by The_T_Man (user info) at 2005-01-03 00:07:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Is badass, yes?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-01-02 23:06:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
If that's picture of Nick, I would imagine one main reason not to enter his house is because he's a mo.
If it's he author, you have my condolences.
Good story, though. I usually -2 all camwhores, buttercup.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-01-02 23:01:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, you do pose a good question, and your friendly neighborhood Lechuga-man is here to answer. Fortunately, there is a reason to illegally enter my friend nick's house, because he posesses a lot of antique weapons. His father used to be an antique dealer, so he's got a lot of old, old Katanas, long swords, dirks, and dress swords, with jewels and such in the hilt, and acid work on the blade.
But, most of these things are sharp and pointy, so I wouldn't want to test him.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2005-01-02 22:59:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your friend has a nice gun.
I have the exact same one, Java Edition in Jet Black.
Boy, the motherfucker is loud. It sounds like someone's hitting a fucking steel door with an aluminum baseball bat.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-01-02 22:46:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Your title makes me prompt this question:
Is there a reason TO illegally enter your friend Nick's house?
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-01-02 22:46:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for dynasty warriors
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2005-01-02 22:36:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Broadswords are alright... but there is a reason the Katana is a classic.
Submitted by Calios (user info) at 2005-01-02 22:32:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2005-01-02 18:06:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for the story and +1 for the picture.
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-01-02 17:27:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like it, personally I would've slain the bastard and not told anyone though.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-02 17:18:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Auto plus 1?
Big boobed naked woman.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-01-02 17:04:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The cops grabbed it as evidence. I realize this story wasn't "umph" exciting, but, I did what I could to spice it up a bit.
Maybe next time.
Submitted by Jarvis (user info) at 2005-01-02 15:46:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope you kept the pistol. Those Desert Eagles aren't cheap.
Submitted by VoRn (user info) at 2005-01-02 15:14:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Entertaining.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-01-02 14:55:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-02 14:36:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-01-02 13:24:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-02 12:59:18 (#)
Ranking: 1
Not a bad story, but it was lacking the "umph" factor...
Maybe a few shots to the groin, and his bitchy pleas for mercy...
---
Exactly what I was thinking. Decent, but it needed that little boost to make it a good story.
Yep.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-01-02 14:25:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-01-02 13:24:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-02 12:59:18 (#)
Ranking: 1
Not a bad story, but it was lacking the "umph" factor...
Maybe a few shots to the groin, and his bitchy pleas for mercy...
---
Exactly what I was thinking. Decent, but it needed that little boost to make it a good story.
Submitted by vettesrule88 (user info) at 2005-01-02 13:22:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA i always read your articles not noticing the author, then I see something about Northboro and i check and its you... this wasnt nick as in... i-forget-his-last-name-but-I-went-to-a-party-at-his-house-nick was it?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-02 12:59:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not a bad story, but it was lacking the "umph" factor...
Maybe a few shots to the groin, and his bitchy pleas for mercy...
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-02 12:49:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meh.