Hi Guys. My Name Is Mike, And I Am A Tit-Fucker (3238 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.69 on 69 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (View user info) at 2005-01-02 14:52:19 EST
I've had sex with various vaginas throughout my years, and truthfully I don't get it. THEY ALL FEEL THE SAME GODAMMIT. Why am I trying to shack up with Tina over here who's been having mommy/daddy issues and a tapeworm lodged in her throat when Jessica has a perfectly-shaped ear that I could attempt to shove my johnson in? I need sexual spice! I need to have my face covered in honey and have dogs lick it off while a woman gives me the best blowjob I can imagine. I need to jump out of an airplane with my balls squeezed into a balloon and smash my penis into a donut over and over. I need to run a marathon with a microwave on my back until I pass out and wake up in a jungle, only to be physically molested by the finest grayback gorillas I've ever seen in Ohio.
This is why I now announce to you random people of internetdom that I like to sexually felate a woman's boob from time to time. It all started when I was throwing javelin during a pee-wee football game and started getting the "itch". The "itch" is hard to explain but I will try and break it down for you. I am made of a complex system of blinking lights and titanium alloy that was built to sexually gratify women at predisposed times. I ran away when the male researchers starting squeezing my testicles and using me as "the buddy who starts the convo with chicks at a bar but ends up alone". I was sick of being used so I left. I can't figure out how to stop myself, so it's either me getting some tail within five minutes of the "itch" or I end up looking like I'm doing some sort of disco-dance with the ground.
I found a rather favorable MILF with beautiful red hair, fair skin, and instantly made my move on her...
Me: Hello young, virile female. Would you be willing to engage in SEXUAL INTERCOURSE for the next ten minutes?
MILF: Excuse me? My...my husband is sitting right next to me, and, you just come up and ask to fuck me? Oh my god that is so hot.
Me: There is a WHEELBARROW behind the concession stand. I'll sprinkle some hay on top of us so it just looks like two pigs are fucking.
MILF: You set the romantic tone so well. I need to shake my husband so meet me there in fifteen..
Me: INSUFFICIENT TIME! I am programmed to release in 15 minutes so I suggest you knock him out with a shovel and follow me.
MILF: But??? Okay okay just let me think!!
Husband: Honey? What the hell is going...agh! Stop it! Stop hitting me with that twig! Agh you scratched my face! When my son becomes a pro-athlete so I don't have to work anymore I will send him and his team to play you and 10 of your friends in a game of football in which they will destroy you and make you feel worthless!
Me: MEEERHR! What number is your son.
Husband: He's number 24, star running back of the league.
Me: He has chicken legs. Your son will be a failure. He will quit his sophomore year and become addicted to MARIJUANA and hate you for trying to live through him vicariously.
Husband:.....I think I'm going to the car, hun. We've got a hose in the trunk right?
MILF: I'm getting a hot dog bye!
Next thing I know we are hitting up the love shack in dirtytown, alabama baby. We're doing the usual "vagina" thing and everything is going pretty well.
Then the next 30 seconds changed my life for eternity
MILF: Oh, that feels so good....guy. How bout you finish off between the boys?
Me: If you are suggesting I release myself between your sons then you could possibly be my soulmate.
MILF: Agh, no!
She guided me up between her breasts, and that's when it happened. The friction, the, the feeling of not having to satisfy her for once, it was truly my liberation as a man.
MILF: Wow, that was fantastic. You have to give me your number so we can do this again.
Me: I am model 84553.
MILF:....so you're a model huh? You get shorter telephone numbers for being beautiful?
Me: NUUURRR! I request that you step back thrity feet so that I may transport home. See you in hell whore.
With that I was whisked back to my cardboard box behind KFC. As I sat alone playing Scrabble all I could think about was tit-fucking. When I ate I the biscuits in the trash my mind wouldn't stop playing tricks with me, I saw boobs everywhere. When I robbed people their heads were giant titties, when I starred in an off-broadway production of Les Miserables the audience just looked like knockers. I was consumed, and I needed help.
That's when I found TFA, or Tribal Founders of America. We explore the primal instincts within each of us, and try to find a peaceful resolve within to wither away the cravings. I even met a young man named Heimsdall who thought he was some sort of Norweigan god who, as myself, thinks tennis is a sport for the birds. Actually one of our conversations was what started to break my boob fetish...
Heimsdall: Lo! Tis my loyal companion and cohort in tit-fuckery Mikael!
Me: Hey Himey. How you doin today? Fuck any huge tits last night?
Heimsdall: Pray sir I did indeed! Shall I tell you the tale of my debauchery?
Me: Jesus Himey I fucking hate your stories. It's my last day, just PLEASE, sit down and don't talk to me.
Heimsdall: Habberdash! Habberdash and Brogeywalk!
Heimsdall: .....
Me:......fuck it. Go ahead.
Lo! The great Heimsdall was in rare form prior night! As I was drinking ale and punching foreigners in the arm I saw a lass who took me eyes and made me stick em into her asshole! She was a foxxy roxxy and I was willing to put up my greatest pelt that I would be sticking my sword into her sheath by nightfall. As the night winded down I gently sang songs by Elton John until she noticed my five-octave range. I'm like Mariah Carey or one of those other crazy bitches who sings well.
We talked and talked until finally I convinced her to take my arm and be escorted up into her room. I gently said goodnight and kissed her on the forehead. You know where this leads to...
Oh her titties! I thought I almost punctured one of them when I was closing in on climax. Her nipples were the size of tectonic plates, and, and, they were so shiny and just awe-inspiring. I spent the next four hours capturing the beauty of her breast on canvas. Twas a great night indeed my friend.
Me: I think i'm done.
Heimsdall: You haven't heard the best part! It invloves bananas and sting-rays, and the Nile river is involved near the end!
Me: No, I mean I think i'm, you know, done with boobs. That was fucking, just, ugh man.
Heimsdall: What are...
Me: YOU ARE A 26 YEAR OLD LOSER WHO LIVES IN HIS PARENTS BASEMENT AND MAKES UP THESE GRANDIOSE TIT STORIES SO YOU THINK THAT I WILL LIKE YOU! GOD!
Heimsdall: Uh....no...I am Heimsdall you idiot.....(whispering) shut the fuck up man, there are WOMEN in this class you know? Whole reason I joined?
Me: Godamn I need to get out of here.
See what I deal with? You want to see what I deal with all the time? Here, take a look at the almighty Heimsdall and tell me this is normal. Just.........jesus kill me.
User Reviews
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-01-05 14:33:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
slightly B@W
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-01-05 14:18:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2005-01-05 14:08:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-01-04 16:06:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what the hell man if they are comin at you
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-01-04 09:00:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-03 19:47:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For god's sake. Stop eating the rainbow colored mushrooms in your yard.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-03 17:52:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No, we agreed that I was right and moved on to bigger and better things. Like calling eachother silly names.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-01-03 17:45:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-03 17:19:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, and could we move this debate to one of my posts, please? I keep on giving you +2's, and I feel that it is only fair for you to reciprocate the favor.
~~~
Hey, how 'bout you move it back to my post, where you guys never finished your "cockwaffle" argument.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-03 17:34:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Stop the name calling! My ego, it's...it's...
Not even close, check yourself and you will see that I have crossed over into your territory and demolished all that you hold holy.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-03 17:19:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, and could we move this debate to one of my posts, please? I keep on giving you +2's, and I feel that it is only fair for you to reciprocate the favor.
Surely even an ass-faced getting-played-by-a-giraffe pile of raw sewage as yourself can see that.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-03 17:11:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, at least I know how to spell the word 'pus,' you slimy toxic-sludge-for-brains illegitimate result of a union between a slug and a cancerous asspimple. You are the standard by which all things generally horrid are measured up against, and this information will be the high point of your entire lifetime. It will stand out as the only time that you were better than anyone at anything, a true testament to your life of utter suckage.
And the giraffe is only marrying you for the insurance money that she'll get once she whacks you.
SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU!!!!!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-03 16:41:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I fuck Nelson at least twice a week Jay so get your shit together man, those dudes are smoking hot. Maybe you should try getting in with the members of Ratt, I heard they like giving blowjobs to guys with no life. Heard being the main word.
ok I'm a slut. I've slept with Ratt, Poison, Nelson, Tuff E Nuff, Trixter, Faster Pussycat, L.A. Guns, Motley Crue (assholes), and Winger. What can I say, I lived hard man.
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2005-01-03 14:31:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you ripped on jovi man? my respect has no bounds.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-01-03 13:24:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a little slow to get going, but it came on like a mothafuckin freighttrain - and that pic is great!
HAIL ODIN!!!!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-03 12:58:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
RICHIE SAMBORA IS GOD!!!
GO fellatiate the members of Nelson.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-03 12:55:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I will have you know LP that I am in LOVE with that giraffe and we are discussing ways to get a marriage license. I...I....I'm going to rip on greening now...
Creed fan club? At least I don't masturbate to pictures of Dokken and Ronnie James Dio. Shit, wait I do do that, um....
YOU LISTEN TO BON JOVI!
I...I didn't mean to go there man...but now we must...
LP is a sack of festering blood pudding and puss and, and pieces of brains. You also smell like rotting lima beans on the eastern seaboard of Chile. BOOYAH!
This would be a lot better if i weren't trying to look busy...
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-01-03 12:50:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-03 12:48:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Um, I wanna get in on this...
LP...
You smell kinda like a person who hasn't showered today.
GLALL...
Creed Fan Club President.
YAY FOR SHITTY INSULTS!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-03 12:39:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, I have no doubt that you regularly engage in congress with other species, mostly because as other species, they do not have accurate images of how a human is *supposed* to look, smell, or think. If you are immune to all diseases other than leprosy, then what is that suspicious-looking sore that your giraffe friend mentioned to me on aim last night? Oh yes, you monkey's uncle, YOU HAVE GANGRENE! AND EBOLA! AND LEPROSY! And shitweasels in your brain. Just end your misery now by gargling with Drano.
You will not be trampled; your very being will be ground and crushed beyond recognition. FEAR MY LUNCHY MIGHT!
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-01-03 11:14:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GET THAT PICTURE OF ME,ASSHOLE !???
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2005-01-03 09:58:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-01-03 09:54:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rockin'
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-01-03 09:52:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-01-03 09:46:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very funny... bit weird, but very funny.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-03 09:39:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh LP, the extremities to which we go for entertainment. I AM NO ONE'S LACKEY. I am the great white pillager of the east! You think I should get gangrene of the face? You want me to fellate a porcupine?
I LIVE FOR THAT SHIT
I have fucked a giraffe while I was getting my haircut, then I tipped the bitch an extra five for swallowing. I am immune to almost all diseases except for leprosy so you can throw that gangrene shit out the window. I WILL NOT BE TRAMPLED ON! You are wasting my time you kitty-kike, grey-sock wearing, son of a hobo's uncle. You....you just wait until I get enough time to actually put up a fight against you LUNCH TIME WILL BE MINE!
and to Tony, I just don't get it. "snuflle huff he's not funny at all". Stop clicking it Tony, just stop then. Wrtie what you think is so godamn funny. We'll see who laughs with you.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-01-03 08:40:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Too fucking funny.
I think I peed a little.
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2005-01-03 08:34:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TonyMontana (user info) at 2005-01-03 04:27:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
this looks like some bullshit that captain foamy would write. of course the majority of uber thinks it's funny...but of course the majority of uber are semi-literate lazy ass morons who either will end up doing, or currently do, mind-numbing retarded work for a living that will soon be either outsourced to indians or done by robots.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-01-03 04:15:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dripping with awesomeness.
Submitted by Ed_0150 (user info) at 2005-01-03 03:47:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-01-03 02:39:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Meh, not my cup of tea, but then again, I never liked tea.
Submitted by Mill29 (user info) at 2005-01-03 02:27:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"INSUFFICIENT TIME!" Still laughing at that.
Submitted by MaximusPadus (user info) at 2005-01-03 01:32:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for me doing an 8ball last night;
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-03 01:08:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If a drooling, neandrathal piece of human odure such as yourself is able to get to my heart, then you have my full permission to do whatever your tiny, stunted... brain... can come up with to it. Until such times, though, I shall confine myself to suggesting that you fellate a porcupine, get gangrene of the face (which would improve matters significantly, judging from that last camwhore) and die. Oh, and reminding you that even though you are a superfluous waste of air, space, and general resources, you could always find professional fulfilment as a hunchback or a minon of some sort- neither job requires much in terms of brains or looks, so you'd be admirably suited for the tasks, you llamajuicing, miserable crossection of all that is shitty with this world.
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2005-01-03 01:06:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha!
You fucking rule.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-03 00:58:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
oh wait, yes you did...
...
okay then...
Well....
listen to me you vaginal tart, I don't think that this is going to solve anything, me just calling you outlandish names and making you cry in the forest and talk to squirrels about how much you hate GLALL. I've ruined peoples LIVES over shit like this LP, you ball-smoking anusfilandering piece of glasstwat. Fuckdart in a can of gonads woman, I will set your heart on FIRE and make beef jerky out of it. Do you want LadyPlural heart jerky? Cause I'll have it for 4.99 a slice as of next week. That's right. Consider it brought.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-03 00:53:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You still didn't say whether it was on like donkey kong or not LP. That shall be the deciding factor.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-03 00:20:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I will drag you to the depths of depravity and hold your head under the water until you turn blue in the face, you snoodmuncher. I will then drag you to the end of the earth and hold you mostly off of the edge but not totally because that seems a bit excessive, even for me, but you will still be held mostly off of the edge... UPSIDE-DOWN, just like the sheep-fellator you are. And then I'll do... something else. And it shall be horrible.
Twatwaffle.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-02 20:16:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-01-02 20:07:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Tribal Founders of America
----------------------------------------
I'm glad someone found that comical. Hail to you good sir.
AJ, don't ever use my real name again unless you plan on letting me use...
shit.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-01-02 20:08:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hiiiiiii, Mike!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-01-02 20:07:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Tribal Founders of America
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-01-02 19:42:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not feeling clever or witty enough to leave a hilarious comment in this box.
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2005-01-02 18:24:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Me: There is a WHEELBARROW behind the concession stand. I'll sprinkle some hay on top of us so it just looks like two pigs are fucking.
MILF: You set the romantic tone so well. I need to shake my husband so meet me there in fifteen..
Me: INSUFFICIENT TIME! I am programmed to release in 15 minutes so I suggest you knock him out with a shovel and follow me.
------------------------------------------
Must resist....urge...to...pisss pants....
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-01-02 17:55:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"If you are suggesting I release myself between your sons then you could possibly be my soulmate."
HAAAHAHAHAHAHHA
You're just fuckin' awesome.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2005-01-02 17:50:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no denying.
tis fun.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-01-02 17:46:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What the bloody fuck-all is wrong with you?
Submitted by HatMan (user info) at 2005-01-02 17:38:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best post in a long time.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-02 17:14:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I just want this opportunity to say to you all that yes, I am dying of retardation. Every day my mind continues to drift aimlessly from one subject to the next, and I cannot keep up with the fevered pace. My brain is bleeding more than my ass nowadays and I can't stay sober enough to remember family reunions or my parents names. I want everyone here to give this post thirteen +2's and 50 hits apiece because I might be dead tomorrow. I have x-rays and shit like that to prove it, and, you can see them at www.bangbus.com.
Oh the pain, i swear to god i'm not faking it. goodbye....
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-01-02 16:52:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
BLAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
titty-fuckin is cool
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-02 16:50:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Did I put that HERE?
Awwwwwwwwwww fuck... That was supposed to be for another post...
Damn having multiple posts open in multiple windows...
So sorry...
O
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-02 16:35:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh... wow. This was like an acid trip without the flying fanged monsters.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-02 16:20:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Rammstein's live show is amazing Avals, never have I seen so much controlled fire in one place.
And I think jay has lost his mind. Cyber sex? birds? Where am i?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-02 16:09:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I cyber like Homer on disability.
I get that little liquid-tippy-birdy-thingy, and I get it over the O.
o
o
o
o
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
(it fell)
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-01-02 16:07:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-02 15:31:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
WHATEVER AVALS LOOK AT HIS LONG FLOWING HAIR AND FRIGHTENING POSE! HE IS THE GOD OF ROCKING OUT!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I see your point. However, I submit that this is the God of rocking out:
http://ca.geocities.com/sally_axon/tillpics/till_outburn1.jpg
http://personal.inet.fi/musiikki/rammsteinsite/till/TILL.jpg
See? Rocking!
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2005-01-02 15:58:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
MUST NOT MASTURBATE...whew
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-01-02 15:50:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
reminded me of robert anton wilson... so cool, man!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-02 15:50:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
argh a negative review! did you read this? it was brilliance! Why would god give anyone a differing opinion that is not of my own??!?! How could you not masturbate to this post? I...I just don't get how a FANTASTIC and AMAZING writer such as yourself disagrees with...getting the sarcasm? Good.
Submitted by gabrielpm (user info) at 2005-01-02 15:35:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by cheruboo (user info) at 2005-01-02 15:34:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-02 15:31:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WHATEVER AVALS LOOK AT HIS LONG FLOWING HAIR AND FRIGHTENING POSE! HE IS THE GOD OF ROCKING OUT!
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-01-02 15:27:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's not a Norwegian God, that's just some fat guy who's really, REALLY into Metal.
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2005-01-02 15:18:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Why am I trying to shack up with Tina over here who's been having mommy/daddy issues and a tapeworm lodged in her throat..."
for life, bitch!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-02 15:12:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh no I fucked up my rating whatever shall i do?
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-02 15:11:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
+2 for wheelbarrows.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-01-02 15:09:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for habberdash
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-02 15:07:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for bananas and pee-wee football.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-01-02 15:00:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for tit fucking.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-02 14:57:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Drugs
Are
Bad
M,Kay?
I mean... Wow... Just... Wow...
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-01-02 14:57:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're still on top of your game, my friend.
And nothing beats being caught up in a nostril. You can take turns blowing her nose.