Just Something I'm working on. (Would appreciate some insight.) (662 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.5 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by someone (View user info) at 2005-01-03 02:16:09 EST
One Way Notes
A solitary figure sits hunched over an electric typewriter in a corner room of an old apartment with a green door. He is wearing a tan coat and dark glasses and takes a drink from a finger glass of white zinfandel before adjusting a piece of paper into the typewriter, flicking it to life, and is greeted by grunts and groans of the aging machine. He types the words "ONE WAY" across the center of the paper then stops, adjusts the machine one more time, frowns, and polishes off the cheap wine before continuing. As he types, he talks aloud and lets his mind wander:
I should start by first introducing our hero to this story. His name is Jack, and he works at one of those small statewide grocery stores with the awful lighting and employees that are so pleasant it just plain pisses you off. Sometimes, when Jack realizes what a failure he has become, but is either to proud or too stupid to admit it (I can't decide) he walks around the corner of his white prison and smokes cigarettes and paces staring straight down at the patch of grass on which he walks, the only natural thing around. When Jack walks, Jack pretends, and he focuses on that grass and he iss at a ball game with his dad watching the Red Sox lose, or at a favorite park with his mother and childhood friend. For as Jack always says, "ignorance truly is bliss." Every day, when Jack comes home and sits beside me on the couch, he says "Man this is it, I'm never going back to that godforsaken place, and I'm going to go back to school and really work on my public speaking and social skills and really do something, inspire and manipulate people. I'm going to be the next Hitler man." And every day, I look back at him and nod and say "yah" "thats right" "you should man, go for it" when in my head I think to myself, I really don't give a shit, I have my own life to worry about, fuck you and your problems, and all the while he rambles on and on in his longwinded harebrained speech that he thinks is so impressive.
But how rude of me. I haven't even introduced myself, the humble narrator, to my viewers. My name is Simon, and I am Jack's best friend. Just today I decided I would become a writer. Jack and I live in an apartment in Springfield, Massachusetts with two of our other friends, one named Josh, the other Richard. Although I'm sitting on the other end of our apartment in a room with a closed door, I can predict exactly what they are doing, just like clockwork. Josh is sitting in the red recliner by the window adjacent to the kitchen, playing guitar and singing bullshit lyrics that he thinks sound intellectual, but not to loud, because Josh is afraid to offend anyone or inconvienence any one of us. A true sucker, a great friend. Richard, now Richard, he is lying with his feet on the armrest of our dark green sofa, reading Ibsen and talking about him writing, but this has been going on for so long that most of his speaking consists of random quips and rants, always very quiet and incohesive, so that if I do happen to get caught in the same room as him, I usually agree ver loudly, "great idea", or something else laced with sarcasm because I like to show him how pathetic he really is.
User Reviews
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2005-01-05 01:17:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thats a good way to look at it Lauren. I would consider Simon more of the average joe who knows it, but then it would contradict the style I put in this piece, ie. More of style 1 you mentioned. Its amazing the farther you get into a story, the more you realize what you write sucks. I wrote this only two days ago, and already the style is about 10000 percent different then this and I'm ashamed(in a way) for even writing this. Do you know what I mean?
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-01-04 16:04:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Well, then that can work. But only if either -
*You, the author* really are clearly intellectually superior to the characters you're trying to portray.
or
*You, the author* writes it clearly as the point of view of someone who is neither a pseudo intellect, nor a scholar, but a regular joe who knows it (which means you are higher on the food chain, IMO anyway).
Do you know what I mean?
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2005-01-03 17:09:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Lauren- The characters( you obviously don't know this, since its not explained) think that they are intellectually superior when they aren't. Its kind of a satire on the starbucks, volkswagon, black glasses type(to use a general stereotype) I'm actually happy you were able to pick that up. Thanks for the reviews guys, they proved helpful.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-01-03 16:06:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Structurally, it's fragmented, and it seems as if you are trying WAY too hard to either be - or imitate someone with - a high level of intellect.
I also doubt that at this level of forced effort you'll be able to keep it to amount to anything substantial.
+1 for effort either way.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2005-01-03 10:09:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks man I'll do my best. Come on people review, review!!!
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-01-03 03:22:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No problem on the honesty. It's nice when you can actually be honest with someone without getting flamed or arbitrary -2's for the rest of your posts. If this is a new style of writing then I really understand what you're going through, it's such a bitch to change styles, but it's good that you aren't trying to be one-note on everything. Good luck with it.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2005-01-03 03:08:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Rewrite, throw that out, and rewrite the rewrite
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So true, thats really the only way to make progress.
Poly- Not sure, using my laptop which is a Mac, so god knows. I'll send it up to my desktop and start the rewrite process in Word sometime tomorrow.
Thanks for the advice those who gave, I'm going to bed because i have a busy day of smoking pot, getting next semester's books, and doing some more writing for something that will hopefully turn into something. I feel strongly about this for some reason, I know it sounds crazy by what I've shown you. I'm really hoping to find a few people on here that I can get good advice from and exchange further copies and segments via email as opposed to a forum.
Nigh uber!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-01-03 02:55:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Do you have your tabs set to a quarter inch too?
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2005-01-03 02:53:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I read this and all I see is... words on a page.
I'm not taken by it, I can't see a story yet and it feels like your narrator is talking at me, which I find boring.
That said, it has some form of potential.
Rewrite, throw that out, and rewrite the rewrite.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2005-01-03 02:53:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Awesome Poly, i really appreciate those points. The microparagraph thing was something I was planning on doing, this is OBVIOUSLY not finished material and I am glad you realized that immediately. Why would I post finished quality material on a website anyways, thats really fucking smart. Another aspect you focused on was also very helpful, the whole character relationship concerning Simon and distancing him. Great point that slipped my mind and will definately be taken into consideration. Finally, I definately realize some flaws that you pointed out, adjacent makes NO sense and i should definately flesh out descriptions a bit more. As far as grammar goes, I'm not concerned I did very little editing but it is something that will definately be used in more concrete segments, as I rewrite, and rewrite, and rewrite. This is a screenplay in non screenplay form by the way, in case the writing seems slightly awkward. I tried to write it in story form so I wouldn't be restricted by goddamm tedious play structure.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2005-01-03 02:43:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
People normally want their protagonists to be profound in some way, sadly, it's not that way in the real world, but watch any good movie or any good story and the main character normally has to sell himself.
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Thats so awesome because I was planning on focusing on that farther on and didn't even realize I subconsciously wrote it in this early. Yes!!!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-01-03 02:42:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
A bit flurrious.
I suppose the question I'd ask first is, "how long are you planning on making this?"
You don't want to set a pace that's so quick that you're struggling to keep up with it, but you don't want to Tom Clancy the readers either. One thing that I would change is the structure. You've given Jack a larger paragraph with some dialogue between he and Simon. That's okay in my book because, as you pointed out, Jack is the hero of the story to come.
The problem I had is that you gave Jack one paragraph of background, then gave one paragraph to the other three characters (who I'm assuming are going to be a little bit key to the story). It doesn't hurt to break up that one paragraph to give each character its own microparagraph.
One thing I would suggest is to type the story into Microsoft Word. Grammar/spelling checker is better (to/too), and the formatting is more easily translated onto the Uber page, that way you can tell how long it's going to be when it finally goes onto the front page.
It's an interesting little piece. You've given a little bit of behavioral background to each of the characters, and some physical description to Simon. I don't know whether you're planning to give physical attributes to the other characters, but it's easy to translate Josh or Richard into people the reader may know in real life. Gives them a little bit more humanity. I'm having a hard time with the physics of the apartment, though. How is a window adjacent to a kitchen? That bit is a little hard to picture for me.
I like the omniscience of sorts that you've given Simon, as it makes it easier to picture him as a writer. It's hard to picture a writer that doesn't know what the hell's going on with his characters (even though Josh, Richard, and Jack may not be willing or knowing participants in the book).
I also like that Simon doesn't really give a shit about Jack. If he's just the narrator you'll have to distance him from the rest of the characters. Make him the observer, nothing more. You don't want to risk letting people empathize with him because that may detract sentiment from Jack, who is supposed to be the focal point. If you create a likable character in Simon that doesn't give a shit about Jack, then why should the reader give a shit about Jack?
Just a few thoughts. It might not even make sense when I reread it later. I'll go to sleep and look back later.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2005-01-03 02:40:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Rawrg- Appreciate the honesty. Seriously, I know how to write, I've had some good pieces on ubersite and also received high scores in this semesters writing class. This is a totally different style I'm trying to flesh out, and by the way, the teen angst thing was intentional, I'll reveal more. Like I said, the format seemed longer on my computer so I only took a small amount. I'ts actualy humouristic believe it or not. Way to point out some flaws, thanks.
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-01-03 02:28:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Honest critique:
The voice of the character doesn't allow me to become interested in him, using cliched colloquialisms like "pissed off" and "don't give a shit" make him sound shallow and ignorant. Not in a charming way either like in Rocky, just in a pissed off teen angst way. People normally want their protagonists to be profound in some way, sadly, it's not that way in the real world, but watch any good movie or any good story and the main character normally has to sell himself. Also, he doesn't seem to have strong motivations for his feelings, apathy without direct justified reasoning for it makes him to be an antagonistic figure that readers will write off as bitter and angsty without cause other than his own self-loathing. Also, the "I know I'm telling a story, I think I'll mention it everytime I start talking, that way I can make up for poor structure without going back and fixing it" thing doesn't work at all.
Also, nothing has happened so far, so it's difficult to guage anything about the story itself. The first two paragraphs of a story rarely tell enough to judge anything about the writer or the story itself. Try to find an original idea and make the main character a profound entity.
These are my honest opinions that you might want to try if you want to grow as a writer, use them or don't. (Why did I write all this?)
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-01-03 02:19:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
My e-pinion: your a retard
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2005-01-03 02:17:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
this is obviously not a whole piece, I just like hearing other peoples opinions. I thought is was far longer then that too, it takes up almost two pages on Works.