Screw College, I’m Going to Cybernetic Ninja School! (969 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Domochevsky (View user info) at 2005-01-04 23:47:40 EST
It's been a while, but I'm back Uber. My posting absence (except for Ubermadness entries) can be attributed to one thing and one thing only: school. This last semester kicked my ass to the curb and then gave me a smiley. I managed to keep my GPA high enough to hold onto financial aid, and that's about it. Fortunately last year left me with a high cumulative GPA so it's won't be a crippling blow. It's my own fault really; I'm studying to gain entry to optometry grad schools, and the course-load is more difficult than I initially anticipated, and as a result I was forced to forget that "free time" thing I used to enjoy so much, which included most of my time to write. "Next semester will be better", I tell myself, but I'm just rationalizing the inevitable. It will most likely kick my ass once again.
So I made a decision. Screw College, I'm going to Cybernetic Ninja School. C'mon, there's nothing cooler than a ninja. Unless said ninja has a cybernetic suit and awesome sword. I'm confident that my choice will change my life and eventual career for the better, as well as save me from this academic hell.
Yesterday I sent off my application to the Grey Fox Cybernetic Ninja Institute (GFCNI) in Kyoto, Japan, along with a modest 15000000-yen application fee to cover the creation of custom cybernetic armor with therm-optic camouflage, and a razor sharp resonating-blade ninja sword capable of cutting bullets (and people) in two. With the low tuition cost of only 1000000-yen additional per term, I'd be a sucker not to do it.
It wasn't an easy choice, no sir. After researching the institute, I weighed the various pros and cons for all of 28 and-a-half minutes before finally coming to the conclusion the GFCNI was right for me.
Lets take a look at how GFCNI stacks up against traditional colleges:
Academics:
GFCNI- has curriculum designed and implemented by the classic ninja greats: from the legendary Hattori Hanzo to the original cyborg ninja; the metal gear destroyer himself, Grey Fox.
Normal College- Curriculum designed and implemented by some people you've never heard of (not ninjas), with some letters after their names.
Winner: GFCNI
Classes:
GFCNI- from intelligence gathering and general ass-kickery, to advanced torso slicing, GFCNI has classes for every skill level. Whether you're already and expert disemboweler or can barely cut a cucumber, the instructors trained and certified in kendo, iaido, and "just plain awesome-looking" sword techniques are there to help you every step of the way. Other areas of instruction include advanced sneaking skills, mid-air acrobatics, and ninja magic.
Normal College- Math, Chemistry, Biology, maybe a Kendo club if you're lucky... You get the idea. Nothing awesome unless you're a science nerd.
Winner: GFCNI.
Instructors:
GFCNI- Real Ninjas, who are on power trips because they could eviscerate you and your entire family before you could blink twice.
Normal College- Real assholes, who are on power trips because they have degrees from "Berkeley" or "Harvard", control over your grade point, and insatiable egos.
Winner: GFCNI.
Financial Aid:
GFCNI- None.
Normal Colleges- Lots. Free money for everyone.
Winner: Normal College, but only because I don't know anyone who doesn't like free money.
Payoff:
GFCNI- You're a fucking ninja. Not just any ninja, either, but one that can cut bullets in half, turn invisible, slice people in two, battle cloned sons of the world's greatest soldier, scare scientists so bad they piss themselves, and take out entire facilities full of highly trained Russians spec-ops (who doesn't want to do that?). Plus, with the real-world experience that GFCNI offers, as well as placement assistance, you'll be ready to go to work in the fast-paced world of the cyborg ninja.
Normal College- If your degree has an "associates" or "arts" in it, you get an exciting job as a burger-technician, ensuring hot and fresh delivery of delicious and low-cost fast food items.
If it ends in "science", you're a little better off. You get a decent job, but will soon be outsourced for cheap Indonesian labor by 2007.
Winner: GFCNI.
OVERALL: GFCNI, for obvious reasons.
So, whether you're a professional thinking about taking the leap from normal, bland ninja-hood to that of the 21st century, or are a novice with no practical ninja experience, the GFCNI program is just what you're looking for.
So there you have it, GFCNI is ten times as awesome as some hoity-toity private college, and you get the added advantage of leaving with skills you can actually use! I'm 100% certain that this is a real institute, and in no way a scam. Just look at their informational fliers:
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-03-22 00:53:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post never got the recognition it deserved.
Submitted by Domochevsky (user info) at 2005-01-05 11:52:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-05 11:27:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah, i prefer pirates. Ninjas don't get any women but pirates get tons of booty!
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Regular ninja's maybe, but cybernetic ones get all the ladies!
What about cybernetic pirates? How much booty to they get?
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-01-05 11:44:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post and good luck with Ninjaring, however, you failed to factor in the high living cost in Japan.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-05 11:27:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-01-05 00:07:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, but in pirate school, they give you an eye patch and a bottle of rum. Tough call
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yeah, i prefer pirates. Ninjas don't get any women but pirates get tons of booty!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-05 11:11:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-01-05 00:52:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Umbra_Astralis (user info) at 2005-01-05 00:15:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-01-05 00:07:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, but in pirate school, they give you an eye patch and a bottle of rum. Tough call
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You went to school to be a pirate?
I thought pirates became pirates once they dropped out of school?
..........................
you got me there. i guess when i say pirate school, i mean the mean streets of suburbia, and when i say rum i mean yoohoo
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YOOHOO KICKS DRUNKEN CHOCOLATY NINJA ASS!
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-01-05 00:52:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Umbra_Astralis (user info) at 2005-01-05 00:15:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-01-05 00:07:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, but in pirate school, they give you an eye patch and a bottle of rum. Tough call
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You went to school to be a pirate?
I thought pirates became pirates once they dropped out of school?
..........................
you got me there. i guess when i say pirate school, i mean the mean streets of suburbia, and when i say rum i mean yoohoo
Submitted by Domochevsky (user info) at 2005-01-05 00:30:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Umbra_Astralis (user info) at 2005-01-05 00:10:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I apply in person? Where do I go, or who do I contact?
The web link is not working.
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I've been waiting for my gear to arrive for while, so I called them (1-800-233-657-327-986-104-YAKUZA), and got ahold of this Akira guy. He was just a temp there though, so I have to wait until monday to catch the his permanent replacement. I'm still %100 sure this is legit, so go ahead and send your money to their Offshore Cayman Islands Bank, like I did.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2005-01-05 00:29:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
is there a distance learning or correspondence course I can take?
How about an instructional 1 hour video tour too? With free shipping and handling?
What's the web address?
-B
Submitted by Umbra_Astralis (user info) at 2005-01-05 00:15:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-01-05 00:07:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, but in pirate school, they give you an eye patch and a bottle of rum. Tough call
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You went to school to be a pirate?
I thought pirates became pirates once they dropped out of school?
Submitted by Umbra_Astralis (user info) at 2005-01-05 00:10:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I apply in person? Where do I go, or who do I contact?
The web link is not working.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-01-05 00:08:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck and I wasted my money on clown college...
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-01-05 00:07:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, but in pirate school, they give you an eye patch and a bottle of rum. Tough call
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-01-04 23:59:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Isn't 15 million yen something like 8 dollars American?
Submitted by EagleHawk (user info) at 2005-01-04 23:51:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because MGS is awesome.