I Don’t Want a Large Farva, I Want A Goddamn Liter-o-Cola (3429 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.81 on 63 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (View user info) at 2005-01-05 15:10:27 EST
So it turns out that things that work in movies don't really work out in real life. Last night, I watched Super Troopers for like the fortieth time and became inspired to act out some of the pranks at work today.
First off was the morning coffee. We had a meeting to discuss the milestones for a new project we are starting, and I offered to get everybody coffee. We have a new Mechanical Engineer working on this project, who started about three weeks ago. I dropped a bar of soap in his coffee, and handed his out last. Before taking a sip, the young man noticed the soap and said "Oh, there's something floating in my mug. Is that a bar of soap?"
So I got in his face and shouted "Oh shit I got you good, you fucker!"
The project manager looked at me and said "that was quite inappropriate, Doug. Perhaps you should get Jason a cup of fresh coffee."
When I got back with his fresh cup, minus the soap, I found that my boss had placed half the bar soap into my coffee, and I took a big sip before noticing. It tasted putrid, and everyone got a good laugh. Except for me. I did manage to bet Jason that I could call someone a "chicken fucker" by the end of the day, though.
I went out for lunch and hit up Burger King, where I ordered a Double Whopper with Bacon and a Liter-o-cola. The kid simply rings me up for the burger plus a King-size Coke. When I told him I didn't want a King-Size Coke but rather a Liter-o-cola, he explained to me that a King-Size softdrink is 33 ounces, which it almost exactly one liter. He told me that Coca-cola is a cola drink, so in a sense he was giving me a liter-o-cola. So that little joke was foiled as well.
When I came back to work, I sat in the cafeteria to eat my Whopper and drink my liter-o-cola. Just for kicks, I ran to the kitchen and grabbed the bottle of Log Cabin syrup and told everyone I was going to chug it. I got down one swig, and I damn near choked! Syrup is, for all practical purposes, nearly impossible to chug. Plus, I spilled a bunch of it all over my favorite Le Tigre polo. To add insult to injury, the VP of Engineering walked by and asked me why the hell I was drinking directly from the syrup that he puts on his Eggos every morning. Sure enough, his name was written across the rear label in indelible marker. I assured him I would buy him a new bottle and bring it in first thing in the morning. He said "you better bring it bright and early, jackass" and walked away.
I figured I'd struck out already, after three failed attempts at recreating a great movie scene. So, I did my best to make light of the situation. Just before the VP got to the cafeteria door, I turned and shouted,
"Chicken Fucker!"
Littering and, littering and, littering and...
User Reviews
Submitted by NocternalDragon (user info) at 2005-04-04 01:50:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha you sound like me when i ussed to work at sears, Only i did get away with all kinds of shit like that. It was fucking great untill i eventually went one prank to far and got fired. SONS OF BITCHES!
(Goes to put in Super Troopers)
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-04-04 00:42:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2005-04-04 00:26:16 (#)
Ranking: -2
1.98 on 58 reviews? Are you fucking kidding me? This didn't make me crack a smile at any point. Sorry dude.
-=-=-=-=-==-==-=
Yeah well Davy; truth is you're a chicken-fucker.
Submitted by r1nce (user info) at 2005-04-04 00:33:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm with DavyJones...
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2005-04-04 00:26:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
1.98 on 58 reviews? Are you fucking kidding me? This didn't make me crack a smile at any point. Sorry dude.
Submitted by myredmirage95 (user info) at 2005-04-04 00:16:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, I love that movie! If I didn't have to get up early tomorrow for work I'd watch it now.............................
ah, screw it!
*pops in DVD*
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-01-07 10:13:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That is a relief dude, the more 'sensitive' uberers would have burned me to hell for that, not that I expected you to of course.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-01-07 10:07:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-01-07 09:46:47 (#)
Ranking: 1
Sorry, not being a cunt breaking your streak but this wasn't particularly amusing.
What is shit is the ratings below saying 'i would have rated this differently but for the streak', grow a pair people.
Made me smile not guffaw.
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Apollo -
A sincere thanks from me, no sarcasm. I kept thinking to myself, "what the fuck is wrong with everyone on Uber?"
This was one of those last minute, 'need a quick post for a few laughs', not a best ever. People should read my other shit instead of this. So, no you're not being a cunt - I'm glad you had the pair.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-01-07 09:46:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Sorry, not being a cunt breaking your streak but this wasn't particularly amusing.
What is shit is the ratings below saying 'i would have rated this differently but for the streak', grow a pair people.
Made me smile not guffaw.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-01-07 09:26:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Boohahahahahahaha
Submitted by purringbubbles (user info) at 2005-01-07 09:17:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Drop your coat and grab your toes...
I'm gonna show you where the wild goose goes.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-01-07 09:07:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2005-01-06 23:48:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
this 2 is because you have an unbroken streak of 2's and I don;'t want to be the dick that screwed it up...
However... What is funny about this post?
I didn't even crack a smile.
I am surprised this was highly rated even though other pieces of your writing were much better but lower rated.
-B
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Some of my best pieces are rated at 1.5 or lower and have 300 hits. Go figure. I just wrote this as a tribute to the movie and to show how some movies effect my everyday life. But yeah I would assume something like "Bounty Hunter" or my "Hardhearted" series was much better and more well written than this. But I guess that's not what ubersite wants.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2005-01-07 00:01:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great flick.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2005-01-06 23:48:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this 2 is because you have an unbroken streak of 2's and I don;'t want to be the dick that screwed it up...
However... What is funny about this post?
I didn't even crack a smile.
I am surprised this was highly rated even though other pieces of your writing were much better but lower rated.
-B
Submitted by kingphatcow (user info) at 2005-01-06 23:44:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funniest post i've ever read on here.
Submitted by tech-junkie (user info) at 2005-01-06 23:37:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What can I say?
Hysterical
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-01-06 22:50:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PWESOME.
And, if you are firing from an M16A2 (or A3, as the Canadians have), the round will actually stabilize (as much as a 5.56 out of an M-16 WILL) at approximately 140 to 170. Safest bet is 190 to 250 or so, but the round will be effective against a point target up to 500 and an area target at 800. If you've got the weapon locked in and stabilized, go for the even 200 for best results.
-Jack
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-06 15:44:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-01-06 15:16:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"It's powdered sugar sir."
"Those lice hate the sugar--"
"It's delicious."
Submitted by Shizae (user info) at 2005-01-05 20:14:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2005-01-05 20:14:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Some people have no sense of humor.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-01-05 18:34:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'd just like to let you know that your job kicks ass. you get to shoot guns at shit and figure out things like bullet stability, while i am stuck deciding what type of linear actuator can best cycle 0.080" 10 million times under a 300N beam load.
yup, we change back and forth between english and metric. the machine shops only fuck with english, and the doctors only fuck with metric.
i want to make shoes. or guns.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-01-05 18:32:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, awesome. i tried to shoot my b-b gun at my little brother's crotch, but my mother stopped me.
Unbelievable. HE HAD TEDDY BEAR CROTCH ARMOR!
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-01-05 18:27:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the title...now i'll read it
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-01-05 18:26:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sounds good 1.21, you can tell your superiors that some dude on the internets who is infatuated with buttsex gave you the go-ahead, they should be okay with that.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-01-05 17:43:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I swear to God I'm going to pistol whip the next guy who says, " Shenanigans."
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-01-05 17:21:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In college, we had a syrup drinking contest in the cafeteria. We actually drew a crowd with all the yelling and shouting. Some people got it. Others thought we were retarded. The guys who did it were fine...until round two. Then there was syrupy vomit everywhere. They claimed that it clogged their sinuses.
+2 because I wrote that whole 'litre of cola' thing on my Big Gulp cup the other day. I thought it was funny as fuck. I guess that's why they shouldn't give me black sharpies at work. I just sit there and sniff them and write retarded shit on stuff. My goal is to draw on the back of the bald guy's head that sits in front of me....
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-01-05 17:09:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-01-05 16:56:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes -
We normally will be shooting from an M16-A2 Assault, or an AR-15. I found one internet source that says a bullet is stablized after 180 meters, and wobble begins between 500 and 700 meters depending on air quality (humidity, barometric pressure, wind speed, etc). We also want to make sure the bullet doesn't feet the effects of too much gravity, and after 500 yards the bullet drops like 2 meters, which is bad - so we'll probably test at less than 500 yards. I'm thinking 250 meters (whatever the hell that is in yards) will be a good target placement.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2005-01-05 16:50:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And that's the third time I got crabs.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-01-05 16:49:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1.21: out of an m-16a2 or what? I thought rounds started falling off around 550m and stability was achived around 200m... don't know where I got that from but it popped into my head, so it's probably bullshit, ah nevermind.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-01-05 16:48:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-01-05 16:44:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
Why is this funny? It is 100% comprised of jokes stolen out of the movie. Yeah, we've all seen the movie, it's funny, we know. Thanks for the fucking cliff notes on it though, and thanks for passively taking credit for the original jokes.
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As you can all see, professorfuckface and I get along famously. He's a great guy and his posts are really amazing.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-01-05 16:44:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why is this funny? It is 100% comprised of jokes stolen out of the movie. Yeah, we've all seen the movie, it's funny, we know. Thanks for the fucking cliff notes on it though, and thanks for passively taking credit for the original jokes.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-01-05 16:34:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amen. This movie has inspired many a post.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/17036
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-01-05 16:23:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hey farva! what's that restaurant you love to eat at that has all the crazy shit on the walls?
shenanigans? (somewhat uberrelated)
Submitted by NYCRulz (user info) at 2005-01-05 16:11:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe we missed something......
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-01-05 16:11:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2005-01-05 16:06:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you trying to figure out how to shoot someone in the cup with a live round?
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Haha, no, although that seems on topic with my post. I'm writing a test plan for a Target Scoring System at work and we're going to be firing 5.56's. I need to know how far out we can place the target before the bullet becomes unstable. Peak performance for that size bullet should be at least 500 meters, and I'm hoping the bullet will still be spinning and stable that far out.
"Good enough... to fuck... your mother!"
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2005-01-05 16:06:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you trying to figure out how to shoot someone in the cup with a live round?
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2005-01-05 16:05:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"You sellin' hot dogs boy?"
I guess I could have edited that review a little better, should have been, 'by' projectile vomiting, and keystone is beer not soda.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-01-05 16:03:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Does anyone know what the stabilization fall-off distance is for a 5.56 projectile? It would really make my day a hell of a lot easier.
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2005-01-05 16:02:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Oh... bikers... I get it now."
Back in my old University days I chugged a bottle of Vermont Maid one night while in CampCon, the just off-campus, convenience store. It was about midnight and I pointed the bottle out to my friend who then dared me to it, was followed by one stranger who offered to pay for the syrup, a second stranger who bet me $5 that I couldn't do it, and a third who would give me $1.
"You have to open your throat...relax the jaw."
After pounding it I had to wash out my mouth with a can of keystone light in the alley, which my stomach responded to my projectile vomiting the entire can of soda along with the syrup.
My skin smelled like maple syrup for about a week after. Weird.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-01-05 15:58:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is why i stay away from the border up here...
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2005-01-05 15:55:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I need to see that movie again...
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-01-05 15:49:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-01-05 15:44:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2005-01-05 15:38:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
how about i punchasize your face for free?
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One of my all time favorite lines from a movie.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-01-05 15:40:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes this was quite entertaining
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2005-01-05 15:38:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
how about i punchasize your face for free?
you should have bit the soap and made him look like a dick.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-01-05 15:34:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great taste in movies.
Office Space rules too.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-01-05 15:33:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-01-05 15:32:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Office Space, Super Troopers, Lebowski...
You, sir, are a connisseur of fine comedies.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-05 15:31:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In Denver, it's Super Troopers and Cape Fear or whatever their other movie is called...
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2005-01-05 15:29:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Litre is French for "give me my fucking cola!"
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-01-05 15:27:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I went to Best Buy a few months ago on a mission to buy two movies - Super Troopers and Office Space. The first movie I found was Office Space, and I first picked up a double-pack. I was going to simply disregard the double pack and find the individuals, but instead I flipped the box over to see what the other movie was. Bing! It was Super Troopers. God, I was so psyched, it was like a sign from the God that I don't even beleive in. $21.99. Go get it.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-05 15:26:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey! That's my car!!!
And that's my girl...
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-01-05 15:24:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought there was chocolate inside ... Well, why was it wrapped in foil?
-- Homer Simpson
Mr. Plow
Call Mr. Plow, that's my name! That name again is Mr. Plow!
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-01-05 15:23:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the snozberries taste like snozberries!
greatest. movie. ever.
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-01-05 15:20:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-01-05 15:16:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha. Funny story.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-01-05 15:16:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hee, hee! I can be a jerk and no one can stop me!
-- Homer Simpson
Itchy & Scratchy Land
Short, to the point, and pwesome!
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-01-05 15:16:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
.....smoking the refer!
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-01-05 15:15:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-01-05 15:14:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the flashback high I got from that picture... the human brain is amazing...
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-05 15:13:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OH! OH! OH it'th horrible! He'th hung like a mooth!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-01-05 15:11:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BEARFUCKER! DO YOU NEED ASSISTANCE?