My backstory, where I came from, and yes, my picture. (1446 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.94 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (View user info) at 2005-01-05 22:06:23 EST
I was the only child of my parents, but due to a tragic miniature golf incident that took them from me, my paternal grandfather raised me. His name was Edward Perkins, but to me, he was simply the bringer of grilled cheese and the calmer of storms, but mostly I called him Grandpa.
We lived on a small farm outside of Hastings, Nebraska, and at the tender age of eight, I was turned loose to tend to the hotdog trees myself. For those of you who've never seen a hotdog tree, I suggest you head for your nearest arboretum. It was during these formative years that I learned to spit tobacco into an old boot that sat on the front porch, crack open a wiffleball for the sweet milk, and more importantly, ride a bike.
Living in the middle of nowhere, of course, did have its advantages. I could ride as far as I pleased, but I was always under the watchful eye of the giant floating eye that lived in our attic. Years later, I learned that they eye was really a telescope that Grandpa kept up there. It stood as a testament to the gullibility of a country boy, and to Grandpa's secret voyeurism that would land him in pokey on two separate occasions.
Anyway, one day I was riding through the farm yard when I saw, out of the corner of my eye, Old Miss Twitchett's hound-dog humpin' the daylights out of the old stone wheel we used to sharpen axes and the tips of our boots. I craned my neck to see what that old dog was doing, and WHAM!
I had plowed right through the side of the barn!
Well, I'll admit it: I was dazed! But as I righted myself, though a bit wobbly, I was unfazed! I patched up the wall the best I could and went on with my day.
Soon, I was old enough to be drinking' "the shine" with Grandpa and the boys down to Mr. Macey's place, and I'll be a sonofabitch if the first time I had a stool broken over my head if I didn't stand right back up laughin'! Well, Grandpa apologized and mumbled something about the Great War and bean pies, and I never held it against him.
Word got out that I could take a punch, though I never did like to hit back ... just liked to see the stunned look on a feller's face as he punched himself dumb. People would try to get me to step in front of their car so we could share insurance money, but never was one to be dishonest.
Eventually, I became a stunt man, but I knew that I had discovered my true calling back on that fateful day when I was watching that old dog. Crashing though walls would make me a fortune, or I would die trying. If y'all recognize me from my picture, I think you might know the rest.
User Reviews
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-02-04 16:26:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's hilarious fucking shit.
Submitted by okokididitbutiwasdrunk (user info) at 2005-01-26 23:58:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2005-01-06 16:37:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for this:
"crack open a wiffleball for the sweet milk"
highlarious
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-01-06 16:12:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
what really surprises me here are the bad memories / creeps that KoolAid Man has given some of you... I thought he was more of a Santa Claus of refreshing sugary beverages?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-06 11:50:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The story was okay
i am not one to break a perfect +2
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-01-06 11:47:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome!
Now I am thirsty.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-01-06 11:36:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I sing that old KoolAid jingle all the time...No shit!
"Oh yeahhhhhhhhh...KoolAid here, bringin' ya fun...KoolAid's got, thirst on the run...with a big wide happy...ear-to-ear KoolAid smi-iiiii-iiile, with a KoolAid smile...a KoolAid smile..."
Mr. KoolAid gave me the creeps.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-01-06 11:20:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha, funny
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-01-06 10:50:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2005-01-06 08:15:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kool-Aid man touched me in my naughty spot.
Now he has to register with the local police every time he moves.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-01-06 07:45:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome, as always.
Reminds me of one of the Greatest. Family. Guy. Moments. EVAR!
Hastings, Nebraska, aye? Who's yer kin? I might could know some of your folks.
Submitted by MisterLongbaugh (user info) at 2005-01-06 06:28:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-01-06 02:37:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Creepy and refreshing
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-01-06 00:13:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHHH! KOOL-AID MAN! BAD MEMORIES!
Submitted by Lunch_Pail (user info) at 2005-01-06 00:04:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHA KILLER SHIT! I looked at the picture stumped for a minute then i was like, "oh shit, its the kool aid man"
classic.
Submitted by PhiTappaAss (user info) at 2005-01-05 22:56:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Oooooh Yeeeeah!
Kool-Aid man can bring it!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-01-05 22:47:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'll be honest, i didn't read it. Nor do i plan to. But have a +2 for the pic.