Broken Dicks and Strange Noises: Why you should feel confident asking me about sex. No, really. (SFW) (4640 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.91 on 102 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-01-06 08:06:07 EST
The strength of a relationship can be reliably measured by the reaction of the people involved to unexpected sexual mishaps.
I've been studying this with almost fanatic devotion for ten years. The research has often been thankless and tiring, but I've not done it for acclaim. It's more been for the pure thrill of learning, and multiple orgasms. (Regrettably, often not my own.).
So, without any more of me waffling on because the sound of my own voice makes me all gooey with delight: Examples of shit that can go wrong, and really bad ways to react to it.
You know that noise? I KNOW you know that noise. It's the one that makes itself known during doggie style hardcore fucking, when he's going at it like a jackhammer and she's making sounds like a wounded animal. It starts off kinda quiet, but pretty damn quick, there it is; the undeniable fwarrrrp fwarrrrp fwarrrrp sound of air squishing out of the woman's overstuffed love canal. It's rare, but it's there, and it's not exactly erotic unless your partner happens to be a balloon fetishist.
When this happens, there are a couple of ways to react. You can move, without saying anything; a tacit acceptance of the noise and an effort to make it stop. You can pretend you don't notice. You can laugh so hard you stop breathing.
A problem arises when the two people engaged in this delightfully aural coitus have different reactions.
EXAMPLE 1:
There was a woman. Let's call her... uhm. Cerci. Yeah, Cerci. Now Cerci was married, and one night during the reluctant bi weekly fulfillment of her wifely obligations (that's a joke, for all the people who are going to read that and say "women are sexless bitches and no-one should get married cause I'm gonna live hard and die young, fuckin' sluts and goin' nuts, fuck yeah!") the Noise began. He's pounding away as though his life depends on it and she's got her face in the pillow trying like hell not to just laugh aloud because her snatch sounds like a freaking whoopee cushion, and he's gruntin' and she's laughing and trying to keep it quiet and the Noise is going "fwarrrrp fwarrrrp fwarrrrp" and she probably would have been fine if, in the middle of it all, he hadn't said "Oh yeah, you like it like that, don't you?" pretending that Noise wasn't loud enough to wake the dead.
She laughed so hard she fell off the bed. The marriage wiped itself out a few months later, partly because every time they started having sex she'd giggle at that memory of him powering on like the fucking Energizer bunny while the Noise bounced off the ceiling.
Another problem during sex is... snappage. Is there another word for it? There must be, but snappage fits so perfectly.
Snappage - Tab A goes into Slot B, right? We know that. In, out, in, out, in, out. In. Out. And then instead of going back in, it hits the outside of Slot B.
If you never had this happen to you, trust me - it hurts like a fucking demon, for both people. If you HAVE, you're wincing right now and you have your legs pressed together real, real hard.
It is, apparently, possible to break a man's penis. Break it, like a bone. To do so, you need a few things, say for instance.. Oh, let's see... a shower, a lot of soap, a fair bit of alcohol, and a stupid idea like "Let's do it against the wall."
So there we are. In, out, moan, pant, grab, squeeze, moan. In, out, thrust, in, out, slip, twist, reach, SNAP.
And oh, how he screamed. Those tiny delicate capillaries that fill with blood all broke. He was black and blue for weeks. Extreme snappage.
Every time he got a hard on, for months, he'd start to whimper like a beaten child. Now *I* was willing to move past it, and stop making jokes like "Haha, your dick broke." (I am so... fucking... funny. Subtle, too.) But he was all grudge-holdy and unpleasant about it.
In every situation that doesn't involve death, laughter is an option. Perhaps a tasteless option, but an option nonetheless. And a relationship is never going to work if one person's preferred response is maniacal giggling, and the other's is ignoring/whining/leaving the room/crying like my mother when I told her I was a lesbian on April Fool's Day one year.
Sex is a messy, tricky, slippery, complicated business, and that's before you ever bring the baby oil and leather straps and spreader bars and ball gags into it. Things don't fit, other things don't open, some things don't work at all and a lot of them work all too quickly. And if you can't laugh together when there's baby oil in your eyes and semen in your hair, when can you?
So, the result of ten years of frenzied research? All the meetings, all the projects, all the notes taken and tests run and electrodes inserted?
There's nothing - absolutely NOTHING - as funny as a man slipping in a puddle of his own sperm and hitting his head on the floor.
And on that note: I'm thinking of writing a regular sexual advice column. It'll be less Dr Ruth and more Dr Lecter, but if you have any questions you'd like answered by somebody with no qualifications and an unnatural obsession with her car, write it here or email it to me. No questions will go unanswered, not even "Why does my duck always go still and cold after we have lub lub time?"
(Please ask me questions. Ask me anything. I need to ruin lives, people... I've been so empty since I stopped blackmailing the local schoolteachers. Godamned school holidays.)
User Reviews
Submitted by tmpg (user info) at 2007-11-29 21:56:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"In every situation that doesn't involve death, laughter is an option." I disagree, you actually can't spell "manslaughter" without it. .....ha...ha
Good read. +1
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-11-29 18:12:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One time I made a stab that missed the joint in the armor. It was about as painful as anything else I have experienced including a major arm break, actually... burning my arm in hot oil was worse, but still... and I rolled to my side, curled up, and bellowed like an ox. Or screamed like a little faggot. Whatever.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-29 11:43:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-11-29 11:43:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-29 11:15:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
christ you're awesome.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-11-29 11:32:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-11-29 11:22:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-11-29 11:15:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
christ you're awesome.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-11-29 00:28:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2007-11-28 23:28:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
major
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-28 22:40:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh maaaan the Noise kills me ever time
I too get the uncontrollable giggles when I hear it
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-02-22 10:56:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fleury75 (user info) at 2005-02-13 09:51:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh man. snappage. been there. how bout when it slips too far and goes into slot C? that one can hurt like a motherfucker.
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2005-02-13 09:26:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoops there goes another banjo string.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-01-20 11:24:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you had me from here:
'it's not exactly erotic unless your partner happens to be a balloon fetishist.'
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2005-01-11 16:23:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Rhodan (user info) at 2005-01-07 11:59:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
What worries me most...I had this woman in my living room...nonono before you say anything..THINK about that!
Hmm the woman on my side demands I point out that while I said " I had this woman in my living room" I actually meant " she came over...for a visit...with her financé. Who happens to be a friend, a friend I encouraged to leave the country and spend the remainder of his life with said woman, because well, he deserves some happiness.
I am going to end up in hell for that.
But before I do I will make sure I send him a splint and ample supply of plaster.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BWAAHAAHAHAHA....
help.... she's scaring me....
Submitted by Aphrodite (user info) at 2005-01-10 22:57:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Demolocke (user info) at 2005-01-09 14:33:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-01-09 07:27:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-01-09 07:21:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by dragonninja (user info) at 2005-01-09 07:14:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by hungovermondays (user info) at 2005-01-09 03:10:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
I once went down on a girl and she made the noises. I was scarred for years.
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BAHAHAHA
Submitted by ahrcee (user info) at 2005-01-09 07:05:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The thought of breaking one's manhood is not something I'm going to dwell upon.
What's with the unhealthy car obsession?
Submitted by hungovermondays (user info) at 2005-01-09 03:10:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I once went down on a girl and she made the noises. I was scarred for years.
Submitted by ChannelDunlap (user info) at 2005-01-09 00:58:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you never had this happen to you, trust me - it hurts like a fucking demon, for both people. If you HAVE, you're wincing right now and you have your legs pressed together real, real hard.
Indeed I have, and indeed I was. Good call. Haha
Submitted by chicagogirl (user info) at 2005-01-08 18:29:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Snappage!
HAHAHAHA!
ouch.
Submitted by TheRef (user info) at 2005-01-08 17:42:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe you can help me on this one..
I have a "friend" who I am currently deployed to Iraq with. This friend managed (without the use of alcohol) to get some army chic to join him in a bunker for some mating. As he is making with the ole in out, in out, he looks up at the side of the bunker and written not one foot away from his face, is "(insert father's name) fucked (insert random female's name) in this bunker." Apparently his father who was in an army unit during the initial invasion had made with the whoopee in the same spot that he was currently making whoopee.
My friend briefly paused to contemplate this then returned to the snatch pounding. The next day he came back to add his name under his fathers on the wall of that bunker.
How would you have dealt with this situation or do you believe that my "friend" handled it in an acceptable manner?
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-01-08 07:44:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why is it that all of our conversations turn to sex?
And just so I don't break my streak....
I want to take you from behind while standing in a waterfall.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-01-08 04:50:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fwarrrrp
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2005-01-08 00:32:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-07 19:45:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A friend of mine read this and laughed like a... thing that laughs a lot. Wooooooo!
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-01-07 18:13:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2005-01-06 08:27:07 (#)
Ranking: 1
Okay... What every guy wants to know, but is afraid to ask: How many times a week is it safe to masturbate?
Haha. Have fun with that one!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Im the expert in this area:
Women:till you pass out.
Men:more than about nine times a day and your dick starts bleeding, and you ruin all your boxers/the carpet/sheets.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-01-07 16:13:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well, snappage is something to fear, BUT sometimes the man gets to 'plow the wrong furrow' as it were - then the pain roles are reversed...
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-01-07 12:49:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
God, I hope I NEVER break my dick.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-01-07 12:07:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHA!!
This is awesome:
"In every situation that doesn't involve death, laughter is an option."
Hell, even some situations that *do* involve death can be laughable. Just ask Darwin fans.
Submitted by Rhodan (user info) at 2005-01-07 11:59:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What worries me most...I had this woman in my living room...nonono before you say anything..THINK about that!
Hmm the woman on my side demands I point out that while I said " I had this woman in my living room" I actually meant " she came over...for a visit...with her financé. Who happens to be a friend, a friend I encouraged to leave the country and spend the remainder of his life with said woman, because well, he deserves some happiness.
I am going to end up in hell for that.
But before I do I will make sure I send him a splint and ample supply of plaster.
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-01-07 11:23:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved this: "women are sexless bitches and no-one should get married cause I'm gonna live hard and die young, fuckin' sluts and goin' nuts, fuck yeah!")
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-01-07 10:52:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is an actual question i was asked in a pshe class yesterday- "how does a man stop himself from peeing inside the lady when they are having sex?"
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-01-07 00:34:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Will you keep me in a jar until I properly ferment, and then make me into marmalade?
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2005-01-06 22:24:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh shit, i cannot worship you enough.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-01-06 22:13:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am awe-struck.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-06 21:38:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why do males get their directions mixed up? When I scream things like "HARDER YOU FUCKING BASTARD THAT'S IT OHHHHHH A LITTLE TO THE LEFT no, my left oh go to hell you stupid cunt I hate you so very very much" and their feelings get hurt, whose fault it is? I think it's their fault, and that I am not at fault if I snap and kill them and feast off of their hot, steaming fle---
Erm, I mean. Which spoon do I use to eat soup with. That's it.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-01-06 20:32:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, my darling, I shall come to Australia and we can torment males and giggle hysterically when they slip in puddles of their own semen.
It shall be glorious.
Submitted by Xena (user info) at 2005-01-06 18:08:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm speechless...and in love.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-06 15:36:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dr, Circe.
My labrador ran away from me last ni...
Wait... Wrong doctor...
Um...
Shit...
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2005-01-06 14:54:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear Dr. Circe,
Is it true that drinking pineapple juice makes a man's semen taste sweeter?
Please respond quickly, so I can stop at the store on my way over.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-06 13:38:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear Dr Cerci,
I once heard that ghey menz put gerbils in each others bum bums.
My question is... why dont the gerbils chew through the bum bum wall to get to freedom?
This is a serious inquiry.
Munkey
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-06 13:32:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I would love to point out certain phrases that I enjoyed the most but there are way too many..
well okay... "Haha, your dick broke" that is fuckin' funny!
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2005-01-06 13:13:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
marry me?
Submitted by PhiTappaAss (user info) at 2005-01-06 12:38:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2005-01-06 12:24:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You may be the perfect woman.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-01-06 12:10:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It is, apparently, possible to break a man's penis. Break it, like a bone. To do so, you need a few things, say for instance.. Oh, let's see... a shower, a lot of soap, a fair bit of alcohol, and a stupid idea like "Let's do it against the wall."
----------------------------------------------------
Five surgeries later Circe and still, I can't pull off an erection to save the pope. You owe me your first-born child for that one.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-01-06 12:04:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is a full 16 flavors of awesome.
Weeeeeeee
Sex advice!!!
Why is it when I use the public washroom in the park, someone always sticks there peener through a hole in the stall I'm in?
Is it wrong for me to set said Peener on fire?
I've considered pretending it's not there but where's the glory in that?
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-01-06 11:50:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know where to begin.
First, I always have my legs pressed together really tightly while reading your posts, because I can't openly masturbate at work. It is frowned upon.
Second, OUCH!!!! That made my sphincter pucker...more.
Third,
I have a ummm friend who caught her husband rubbing one out while reading an IM conversation I..um she had with another woma....person.
Should she
A: Be pissed that he looked at her old IM's
B: Ignore it
C: Fly him and herself to Aus...another place on the globe, and party with the other gir...person like it's 1999
D: stop those annoying half finished wor.....
Submitted by Huber_the_Nose (user info) at 2005-01-06 11:40:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"fwarrrrp fwarrrrp fwarrrrp"
Best. Onomatopoeia. Ever.
This post was great
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-01-06 11:14:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-01-06 11:10:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking excellent.
This made me laugh my ass off.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-01-06 11:02:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-01-06 09:33:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
ETS - I shall answer this ONE question here, because it is apparently a matter requiring immediate resolution. You're lucky, cause the rest have to wait for Deluded Sex Advice for Gullible People.
Pretend you don't notice it, and avoid giving her oral sex.
To save her embarrassment afterwards, when you can't ignore the spreading pool of blood on the couch, say in a shamefaced kind of way "My dick bleeds a lot when I'm really really attracted to a woman."
------------------------
Thank you Dr. Circe! I will pass this information on to my friend ESP immediately and with very few alterations.
So let me get that straight: "My couch bleeds while giving oral sex on shamefaced dicks." Got it!'
Thank You, DR. CIRCE!
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2005-01-06 11:02:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are doing a wonderful service to all in need, but damn... that broken member story is revolting. I threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Submitted by houseman (user info) at 2005-01-06 11:00:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the peener popping comment is rather disturbing
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-01-06 10:56:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Broken peener....
*groan*
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-01-06 10:48:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
if you can't laugh together when there's baby oil in your eyes and semen in your hair, when can you?
words to live by
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2005-01-06 10:46:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hilarious
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-01-06 10:36:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If I come to Australia or you come to New York, can we have sex?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-01-06 10:34:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Coyote - I'm not answering until next week, but.. just a hint... make something with ginger in it.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-01-06 10:30:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You didn't answer my question, and I have to decide whether to make Hawaiian pizza or chili con carne tonight!
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2005-01-06 10:06:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2005-01-06 09:39:18 (#)
Ranking: 0
What really does is from behind real hard, she nearly started crying poor thing..
-------------------------------
We don't do that anymore at my house. The woman started whimpering, but it was from pain. I guess the ol' doggystyle doesn't leave her deep enough to handle it.
She was a trooper, though. She tried to grit her way through it, but I had to stop. It was so sad.
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2005-01-06 09:51:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ka (user info) at 2005-01-06 09:42:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Doctor, Doctor....
Talking to my man about Section 8 Eviction Noticing really turns me on, but it makes his peener go all floppy. How can I make the misdoings of errant tenants fulfil his fantasies as much as they do mine?
---------------------------------------
Try another approach on the Section 8's, like their milk coupons. I don't know about him, but I certainly get hard just thinking about it...
...mmmm, skim, 1%, 2%, WHOLE MILK ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!1!!11!
Submitted by Ka (user info) at 2005-01-06 09:42:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Doctor, Doctor....
Talking to my man about Section 8 Eviction Noticing really turns me on, but it makes his peener go all floppy. How can I make the misdoings of errant tenants fulfil his fantasies as much as they do mine?
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2005-01-06 09:39:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Totally_useless
Best just for the woman? Again, from personal experience, her on her back, knees bent, feet against my chest. The ultimate g-spot probing.
--------
Yea that makes her scream, What really does is from behind real hard, she nearly started crying poor thing..
Cheers for the other tip..
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2005-01-06 09:34:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I see much heat in your future.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-01-06 09:33:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ETS - I shall answer this ONE question here, because it is apparently a matter requiring immediate resolution. You're lucky, cause the rest have to wait for Deluded Sex Advice for Gullible People.
Pretend you don't notice it, and avoid giving her oral sex.
To save her embarrassment afterwards, when you can't ignore the spreading pool of blood on the couch, say in a shamefaced kind of way "My dick bleeds a lot when I'm really really attracted to a woman."
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2005-01-06 09:32:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-01-06 08:32:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
haha... so funny. and what about that sucking noise when stomachs against each other, or backs against stomachs start to stick together and suck apart? I dont' know how to explain it.
________________________________________________
I HATE that noise. Horrible, horrible noise.
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2005-01-06 09:30:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2005-01-06 09:19:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
That was brilliant, not really informative but i can relate to a lot of that which made me laugh the fuck out loud (LTFOL - Remember that for IM's, it will catch on dont worry)
Here is a question: What is the most gratifying position for both the man and woman?
-------------------------------
From personal experience, I would say female on top facing my feet.
It seems to allow for the best stimulation of the g-spot, while giving the male partner a visual feast and added stimulation.
Best just for the woman? Again, from personal experience, her on her back, knees bent, feet against my chest. The ultimate g-spot probing.
Jeez, now I'm all aroused and stuff. Guess I'll have to crack the ol' pecker...
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-01-06 09:30:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh. It's a rant.
I thought you were inviting me to fuck you silly. And I very well might have.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-01-06 09:28:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ow. just...ow.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-01-06 09:28:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-01-06 08:10:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear Auntie Circe...
Why do men fun away screaming when I get my penis out?
Love,
Christina
-----------------------------------
BWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-01-06 09:23:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dr. Circe: let's say this guy is having sex with this chick... For argument's sake, let's just call him ecclectic spoon palindrome, or ESP... Let's say ESP is fucking this girl and she begins to bleed, but at the same time she is begging him not to stop. He suspects something may be wrong and he doesn't want to hurt her, but he doesn't want to displease her either...
What should he do?
And hurry up, cause he says he needs to know NOW! Apparently it's kinda urgent...
One more question: Why weren't women's backs equipped with coffee cup holders and mousepads?
Submitted by VoRn (user info) at 2005-01-06 09:21:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking hilarious. I have been sending this link to everyone.
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2005-01-06 09:19:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was brilliant, not really informative but i can relate to a lot of that which made me laugh the fuck out loud (LTFOL - Remember that for IM's, it will catch on dont worry)
Here is a question: What is the most gratifying position for both the man and woman?
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-01-06 09:17:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Run away from the scary lady!
Run away from the scary lady!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-01-06 08:58:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no idea what you're talking about.
*busts out laughing*
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-01-06 08:57:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What's the best way to get into a woman's knickers with full consent.
By full consent, I don't mean "Well, she didn't say no!".
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-01-06 08:49:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was brilliant and spot on.
"fwarrrrp fwarrrrp fwarrrrp"
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-01-06 08:46:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My mate fat paul tore his cock shagging a bird up the arse.
He had to go to hospital and get laughed at by the nurses, I mean have I glued back together.
They use blue glue i'm reliably informed.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-01-06 08:42:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Totally Useless - It's all those itty bitty blood vessels.. they fill with blood, and expand the pnis.. and they snap under pressure.
And that poppping penis thing is very intriguing.. and slightly disturbing.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-01-06 08:40:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ouch... I laughed so hard I fell on my erect penis and broke it.
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2005-01-06 08:34:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
After reading the responses below, I guess I won't be looked at like a circus freak when I say that I can crack my penis just like any other extremity. Only when I'm aroused, of course.
That's right, like my knuckles, neck, back, hips, knees, ankles, and toes, I can apply pressure straight downward on my erect meat rocket. At first, it will start to bend a bit, sort of like a nice compund bow (no, I haven't shot anybody with penis arrows). Then, it will *pop*, which is a pressure-relieving feeling that also affords me more stamina in bed. My question is, how the fuck can spongy cavernous tissue filled with blood physically 'crack'?
I have never had a blac and blue peener. That's just plain horrible.
For more about the incredible popping penis, IM me: yewslus
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-01-06 08:32:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha... so funny. and what about that sucking noise when stomachs against each other, or backs against stomachs start to stick together and suck apart? I dont' know how to explain it.
Anyway, I need some sex advice from you! Remind me next time we talk.
Submitted by CJRipley (user info) at 2005-01-06 08:31:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Extreme Awesomeness!
With age I found men to be completely hilarious with their shlongs hanging out! I've also noticed that me rolling on the floor pointing and laughing doesn't help the situation. Oh well.
Submitted by Adereterial (user info) at 2005-01-06 08:29:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There's nothing - absolutely NOTHING - as funny as a man slipping in a puddle of his own sperm and hitting his head on the floor.
--------------------------
I'm at work... I laughed loudly at the merest thought of this... Now I am getting strange looks.
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2005-01-06 08:27:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Okay... What every guy wants to know, but is afraid to ask: How many times a week is it safe to masturbate?
Haha. Have fun with that one!
Submitted by DyingBreed (user info) at 2005-01-06 08:24:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that post was fuckin funny.
been in both situations. usually, IM the one trying to keep from laughing my fucking ass off.
ive personally never had it hurt real bad with the pop. just kinda relieves pressure i guess. it hurt a few times though.
may i suck your pussy til your forehead caves in?
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-01-06 08:22:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Um, let's see... okay, here's one:
Which fruit or vegetable makes the most unpleasant dildo/buttplug? My money's on a pineapple, but I heard habanero peppers are worse.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-01-06 08:19:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you HAVE, you're wincing right now and you have your legs pressed together real, real hard. """
Yup.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-01-06 08:17:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would say "Dear god, I need to get laid. Help me." but that's not really a question. So never mind me.
*wanders off whistling overly nonchalantly*
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-01-06 08:16:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Coyote, you asshole... no stealing my precious questions, damn you. Heyyyy.... do you have any questions for me?
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-01-06 08:14:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stin, it's just unusual to see the detached penis preserved in its jar of formaldehyde, is all.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-01-06 08:13:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ohhhh, a question! For me! It shall be answered in the next installment of my Deluded Sex Advice for Gullible People!
Thank you, darling!
Submitted by DifferentTrains (user info) at 2005-01-06 08:13:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have herpes. What should I do?
Submitted by theshrew (user info) at 2005-01-06 08:13:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Snappage. I read about it once in FHM and a guy was doing his mrs in the pooper when he clashed wish the smelly bridge. he dick snapped but he said it made more of a popping noise. strange, i dont ever want to find out what the noise actually is.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-01-06 08:13:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew there was a reason why the woman should never be allowed on top!
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-01-06 08:11:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Or even, run away screaming.
Dear lord, look what a state you've got me in.
kwhtrovcmspr, nepwntmcw.
So there.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-01-06 08:10:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear Auntie Circe...
Why do men fun away screaming when I get my penis out?
Love,
Christina